Most MAGNANOMOUS Joke thread - help me build it

Mr Flibble

They've been very bad, Mr Flibble
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I only know the rude ones :(

No, wait, I do know a couple of not rude ones!

What's green and dangerous? A caterpillar with a machine gun.

Two teddy bears sitting in an airing cupboard. Which one's in the army? The one on the tank.

ETA: I didn't say they were any good. The rude ones are much better.
 

archerjoe

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So, a pirate walks into a bar.

"Name yer poison!" says the bartender.

"Arrrrrrrrsenic!"
 

archerjoe

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<repeated from the Looney Bin thread>

The day after New Year's, I walked out of a bar around midnight. There was a few inches of fresh snow on the sidewalk and some weird looking tracks. About a block away, I saw someone crawling on hands and knees. I ran up to him and stood him up.

"What happened?" I asked him.

"It's bad! Terrible! My wife is going to kill me!" he said, slurring his words and crying.

"Oh, come on. I'll help you home. Where do you live?"

He pointed at a house down the street and fell on the sidewalk. I picked him up again and we walked a few steps before he fell again. He was quite drunk and could hardly walk. I half-dragged him the block and a half to his house. When we got to walkway leading to the front door, he stopped.

"You don't want to be around when my wife finds me!"

"OK. Can you make it from here?"

"I don't know."

He fell on his face. I dragged him along the walkway to the front steps.

"My wife is going to kill me. You don't want to be around when that happens!"

"Can you make it up the steps?" I asked him.

"Pro'lly not."

He made it up two steps, fell and rolled back down. I dragged him to the landing where he fell on his face again. I rang the doorbell. The door flew open and his wife appeared. She glared at me.

"Ma'am, I found your husband and brought him home to you."

She took a deep drag on her cigarette and flicked it past my arm into the snowbank.

"I see that," she sneered. "Where the hell's his wheelchair?"
 

jjdebenedictis

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I know a geeky one!

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek in heaven. Einstein is "it", so he covers his eyes and starts counting. Pascal runs away and hides behind a cloud, but Newton stoops down and draws a square around his feet.

Einstein finishes counting, opens his eyes, and says, "Aha! Newton, I have found you!"

Newton replies, "No. You found one Newton over one metre squared. You found a Pascal."
 

Sydneyd

Aye, ye scurvy dog!
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Ok, here's one, (Disclaimer: not that funny)

Q: What do you get when you have a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

A: A person who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.
 

SWest

In the garden...
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:D

In the lab yesterday I combined the DNA of a chicken with the DNA of a senile crossing guard.





<<Wha'd'ya get?>>






A lovely gentleman who carries a stop sign across the road, but doesn't know why.

:banana:
 

BenPanced

THE BLUEBERRY QUEEN OF HADES (he/him)
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I know a geeky one!

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek in heaven. Einstein is "it", so he covers his eyes and starts counting. Pascal runs away and hides behind a cloud, but Newton stoops down and draws a square around his feet.

Einstein finishes counting, opens his eyes, and says, "Aha! Newton, I have found you!"

Newton replies, "No. You found one Newton over one metre squared. You found a Pascal."
*crickets*
 

archerjoe

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I know a geeky one!

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek in heaven. Einstein is "it", so he covers his eyes and starts counting. Pascal runs away and hides behind a cloud, but Newton stoops down and draws a square around his feet.

Einstein finishes counting, opens his eyes, and says, "Aha! Newton, I have found you!"

Newton replies, "No. You found one Newton over one metre squared. You found a Pascal."

A friend from college is a rocket scientist and this is one of her science jokes:

An ion and a neutron walked into a bar and ordered beers. The bartender collected payment from the ion but not the neutron.

"Hey, what's the deal?" asked the neutron.

The bartender said, "No charge."
 

Sydneyd

Aye, ye scurvy dog!
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What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Elephino.
 

BeatrixKiddo

Is it summer yet???
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Come on, admit it. You just wanted an excuse to type "MAGNANOMOUS" into a thread title.

:D
 

aspier

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A friend from college is a rocket scientist and this is one of her science jokes:

An ion and a neutron walked into a bar and ordered beers. The bartender collected payment from the ion but not the neutron.

"Hey, what's the deal?" asked the neutron.

The bartender said, "No charge."


reminds me of the two guys doing the late shift at a NASA space plant down at Huston. One discovered an open bottle of 'whiskey' somewhere stashed away. It wasn't actually whiskey. The mechanic on the previous shift had grabbed an empty bottle when there was an emergency leak of fuel from one of the motors and filled it with the spill. It was space vehicle fuel that was in the bottle. Anyway they drank the stuff, got high and the next morning after they had gone home the one guy phoned his friend and asked whether he had farted. 'Not yet' he said 'why?'And his co-buddy replied 'Omg don't!!! I am sitting in Hong Kong'.

Oeeeeeee! Wash mouth! Wash mouth!