View Full Version : What a Joke!

03-25-2012, 04:01 AM
Knock! Knock!

Caitlin Black
03-25-2012, 04:27 AM
Who's there?

03-25-2012, 04:32 AM
Somehow, I figured you'd say that...;)

03-25-2012, 04:32 AM
Dave's not here, man.

03-25-2012, 04:35 AM
Dave's not here, man.

Who's Dave? Is he cute? lol

Caitlin Black
03-25-2012, 05:40 AM
Somehow, I figured you'd say that...;)

Actually, I was going to say, "I have a gun!" but figured you were trying to tell a joke...

Actually, the last people who knocked on my door were trying to get me to join their church, and then the next day I saw 2 more people handing out pamphlets for their church at the mall.

Hence, "I have a gun!" :tongue

Caitlin Black
03-25-2012, 05:42 AM
Not that I'm ever rude in such situations. I object to being disturbed by people selling things (anything) but I'm never rude to them...

Okay, so I have a joke! Or rather, a funny line I thought of the other day. It's kind of dirty...

Here it is:

"He's got his head so far up his arse I'm surprised he doesn't have vertigo!"

:D I crack myself up.

Silver King
03-25-2012, 05:56 AM
Did I ever tell you about the time I went to a costume party, and the theme was for the guests to dress as emotions?

I showed up naked except for a pear that was artfully placed over my manhood.

The host of the party didn't like my costume and started to give me a hard time. I said, "But I'm dressed as an emotion: Can't you see that I'm in dis pear?"

03-25-2012, 05:56 AM
Are you kidding me Cliff? Hahaha...funny.

Do you still have a gun? (oh wait, maybe you shouldn't answer that here...

Spiderman might get you with his dark web of lies. lol

03-25-2012, 05:59 AM
Did I ever tell you about the time I went to a costume party, and the theme was for the guests to dress as emotions?

I showed up naked except for a pear that was artfully placed over my manhood.

The host of the party didn't like my costume and started to give me a hard time. I said, "But I'm dressed as an emotion: I'm in dis pear."

Were you "peared" up with someone too? hehe

Caitlin Black
03-25-2012, 06:50 AM
Whoa! Dis pear!

Silver King
03-25-2012, 07:18 AM
One of the first jobs I ever had as a teenager was working for a woman who hired me to watch her two dogs while she went out on the town drinking with her friends.

One evening she came home, earlier than expected and more tipsy than usual, and said, "Come over here and take off my dress."

I did as I was told, my hands shaking as I fumbled with the zipper.

Then she said, "Now off with my bra and panties."

This was almost too much to bear, but I complied. Then she said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you'll be fired."

Caitlin Black
03-25-2012, 07:40 AM
LOL. I didn't see that one coming. :D

03-25-2012, 10:31 AM
OK! This is my favorite joke. It's kind of long and hard to tell over the internet but I hope it comes off because it's GREAT.

There is this guy. He's super smart. An engineer or something who takes great pride in efficiency, especially his own. He decides to build a shed in his backyard. Does the math, figures it all out. He has the blue prints made up and decides to get to work. According to his plans, he can build the shed with exactly ninety nine bricks. To prove his self worth as a planner and builder, he decides that he's going to buy exactly ninety nine bricks.

He's an OK mason and maybe he over estimates his skill a little but, well, the guy at the brick store refuses to sell him ninety nine bricks. "We sell bricks by the hundred," he says repeatedly. They argue for a while. Ninety Nine! One Hundred! Back and forth. The man does not want to pay for a useless brick. The brick seller doesn't care. The brick seller says, "Why don't you just buy all of them, and get rid of the extra one?" The man does the math, since there is no price for a single brick, and says he'll only pay for ninety nine. They argue more.

They end up arguing for several hours. The store is ready to close and the brick seller says, "Buy something or get out." Finally the man breaks down. It isn't his inefficiency that is on display, it's the worlds. FINE. He breaks down and pays full price for the one hundred bricks.

He goes home, puts the brick down. Mixes the cement. He builds the perfect shed. It's beautiful. And while working, to top it all off, he didn't break or drop a single brick. The building is PERFECT. It was built quickly and expertly. The man is beaming with joy.

He wipes the sweat off his brow, and gazes at his shed. A job well done.

The man stares for a bit, admiring his work. PERFECTION. He is in love with his nights work.

He turns around to go inside and trips over the one hundredth brick. FURIOUS, he picks up the brick and throws it into the air as hard as he can and shouts, "GOD DAMNED BRICK!"


LOL. I love this so much.

Caitlin Black
03-25-2012, 12:37 PM
I don't get it...

03-25-2012, 06:18 PM
I don't get it...

You and me both...haha.

I'm not good at telling jokes, but I'll try it.

Improv here.

I found a penny and picked it up
then the next day found another penny
picked that up too. But the rest of the week
I had bad luck, so I gave my two cents to the bum
on the street. The bum said, "No thanks,
your change is bad."

I argued with him. I said, "My change is good,
I promise."

The bum looked down at the two pennies,
shined them in the light, inspecting both.
He looked at one then the other and laughed.
He said, "Hey, you're right one of these is good.
It's not a penny at all, it's that rare coin
they were looking for on tv, thanks man,
now I'm rich!"

I looked at him and said, "Want to split it? 50/50?"
The bum said, "Sure, you can have the penny back then."

(just made it up now, seriously. haha...(probably lame but, I tried...)

03-26-2012, 03:10 AM
I don't get it...

I came back hoping the joke was explained, cause I didn't get it either :(

Jess Haines
03-26-2012, 11:46 PM
Dave's not here, man.

Come on, man, open up! I got the stuff!


03-26-2012, 11:49 PM
Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick.

03-27-2012, 12:08 AM
Q: How do you keep a fool in suspense?

Titan Orion
03-27-2012, 01:21 AM
Dave's not here, man.

He is now. Don't let him talk to you, you'll be mad inside 100 words!


Being told there's a cure for dyslexia is music to my arse.

03-27-2012, 02:58 PM
I don't get it...

Sorry. Guess it doesn't translate well. This is a great joke too, but requires participation. I'm going to bed so I'll check for your answers tomorrow:

This is an old joke and takes place back when you could smoke on planes.

This lady sat in her seat and her baby started crying. The guy next to her was an emotional wreck. He was so nervous about flying that he'd been smoking all day. When the baby starts crying, he lights up another smoke. This makes the baby cry louder, which makes the man more uncomfortable and nervous, so he smokes more.

By the time the airplane is in the sky, the whole plane is filled with smoke. The baby is coughing and crying and finally the woman has had enough. She tells the man, "Please put out your cigarette! You're making my baby cry!"

The man is not happy with her. He tells her, as nicely as he can, "if your baby would stop crying for a few moments I could relax and wouldn't need my cigarette!"

They fight for about half the flight. Everybody on the plane is upset. They are tired. They can't breathe. The baby crying has driven them all insane and eventually a flight attendant comes up to the man and woman and says, "I know. How about we compromise. If you throw your baby out the window, and you throw your cigarette out the window, we can all enjoy the second half of our flight." The man and the woman are very nervous but reluctantly agree.

The flight attendant opens the window and the woman tosses her baby out. The man follows suit and out goes his cigarette. The smoke clears and the flight attendant shuts the window. All of the passengers and crew cheer and congratulate the flight attendant on a job well done. Once the flight lands, the woman goes back to where she estimates the baby would have landed and finds it, relatively easy.

Can you guess what was in his mouth?

03-27-2012, 03:30 PM
The cigarette

03-27-2012, 08:40 PM
The cigarette


03-27-2012, 11:31 PM

Ok, now ya got me! haha