My wife and I deal in this delicate situation differently. You see, it is the tendency of young men and women to be prepared with answers when inevitably confronted with drugs / alcohol / promiscuity / [enter social misbehavior here].
Since we know that we, as parents, are going to be wrong no matter what we say, we must be prepared for the talking points of our children. As an example, in a confrontation with our sons and daughters about drugs we will be asked if we ever took drugs or abused alcohol. The statistically normal parent has and so responds one of two ways with the predicable following results:
Son/Daughter (SD) loud; angry: So..are you trying to tell me that YOU never tried drugs?
Mom / Dad (MD) stern but patronizing: Well, yes I did but (enter favorite completion * but things were different.. *but that’s because I lived in a bad neighborhood….etc)
The rest of the conversation, Md justifies why it was OK for them and try to convince SD that things are different now, or that MD is protecting SD from a childhood like MD had.
Debate point goes to SD.
Or
Son/Daughter (SD) loud; angry: So..are you trying to tell me that YOU never tried drugs?
MD, Sternly, hands on hip: Of course not!
SD: So how are you supposed to know how bad it is or what it’s like? Who are you to tell me…yadda yadda.
Debate point goes to SD
Here is how I handled similar situations:
Son/Daughter (SD) loud; angry: So..are you trying to tell me that YOU never [generic social disappointment]?
Me [ME]: sitting, thinking looking SD straight in the eyes: I am not going to fall into the trap of answering that question. I am not going to allow you to divert the attention and responsibility beyond you and what you have done. Here is what I did do. I avoided cause for my Mom or Dad to have conversations like this with me. The few times that we had these discussions, we talked about my misbehaviors; my problems and expectations that they have for me. I was never allowed to put them in the position of justifying or rationalizing my behavior because of what they did. And I am not going to allow you to do it to me. Now about those [contraband or item of concern]…
Debate point goes to me
SD cries and bares soul and the night ends later in hugs..
It seemed to work well for us.
I just wish My Mom and Dad told me the same thing…
