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PeeDee
12-11-2005, 10:15 AM
*ahem*

Let me check your tag. Uh-huh. Just as I thought. Made in heaven.

louisgodwin
12-11-2005, 10:26 AM
People here have probably heard this one before, but here goes:

Guy: "Give it back!"
Girl: "What?"
Guy: "My breath. You took it away!"

PeeDee
12-11-2005, 10:32 AM
I will not be topped! Thou canst not defeatest me!

"Baby, if this were a meat house, you'd be prime rib!"

(er. Going to bed now.)

Optimus
12-11-2005, 11:39 AM
Optimus slinks up behind a hot chick at the bar.

With his James Bond suave, he leans in, elbow on the bar, facing her.

He looks at his wrist and begins to tap his watch.

It gets her attention. She smiles.

He grins. Continues to tap.

OPTIMUS
Ya know, according to my watch, you're
not wearing any panties.

She scowls, offended.

CHICK
Yes I am!

Optimus huffs, cocky, and rechecks his watch.

OPTIMUS
Oh, must be an hour fast.

writerterri
12-11-2005, 11:49 AM
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_14_5.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZUxdm080YYUS)

Optimus
12-11-2005, 12:02 PM
With the moxie of a porn star, Optimus struts by some unsuspecting young lady.

OPTIMUS
Excuse me, baby. Do you
believe in love at first sight,
or should I walk by again?

Optimus
12-11-2005, 12:04 PM
Opty, hand clutching his knee, hobbles over to a sexy co-ed.

OPTIMUS
Excuse me, baby. Do
you have a Band-Aid?
'Cause I just hurt my
knee falling for you.

Optimus
12-11-2005, 12:11 PM
Optimus, coolest cat you've ever seen, sits at the end of the bar. Arm cocked on the edge of the bar, he takes a sip of his Guinness when he notices a beautiful WOMAN standing

ACROSS THE ROOM.

She sees him seeing her. She smiles. He smiles.

She flips her hair.

He sets his beer down and motions "come here" with his index finger.

She giggles.

He smiles...damn he's smooth. He motions again.

Slowly, nervously, but eagerly, she saunters over to him.

She stands beside him, smiling "Well?"

He leans in and lays on the pimp...

OPTIMUS
Ya know, if I could make you
"come" with just my finger, imagine
what I could do with the rest of my
body.

Unique
12-11-2005, 05:28 PM
Opti -

If I didn't know for a fact that I didn't hear those from you, I'd swear I met you before. sheesh.

Pat~
12-11-2005, 06:38 PM
Optimus--when's the book coming out? ;)




(Can we vote for our 'favorites'?)

Carole
12-11-2005, 06:45 PM
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_14_5.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZUxdm080YYUS)
Of course she could always blow him off by correcting his grammar...

Pat~
12-11-2005, 06:55 PM
Love it!

I think we need a thread on snappy comebacks to subtle-as-a-sledge-hammer pick up lines...

scarletpeaches
12-11-2005, 06:58 PM
Is that a ladder in your tights or a stairway to heaven?

Perks
12-11-2005, 07:11 PM
OPTIMUS
Ya know, according to my watch, you're
not wearing any panties.

She scowls, offended.

CHICK
Yes I am!

Optimus huffs, cocky, and rechecks his watch.

OPTIMUS
Oh, must be an hour fast.

I know we don't get along. I've wished malaria on you numerous times. But THAT was great. If that doesn't work, you don't want the humorless b!tch anyway. :) That's come back to give me the giggles a bunch of times.

Carole
12-11-2005, 08:13 PM
Is that a ladder in your tights or a stairway to heaven?
O.M.G. Please tell me you made that up.

scarletpeaches
12-11-2005, 08:38 PM
I heard it as a joke...well I hope it was a joke. There's also the old cliche...

"How do you get into that dress?"

"You can start by buying me a drink."

Maryn
12-11-2005, 08:44 PM
"Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me?"

Maryn, who would have laughed at that one

Maryn
12-11-2005, 08:45 PM
"I know I'm not the best-looking guy in here--but I'm the one talking to you."

Maryn, who wouldn't have fallen for that one

Maryn
12-11-2005, 08:46 PM
"Get your coat. You've scored."

Maryn, who would have laughed hard enough to spit beer

elisadasilva
12-11-2005, 09:15 PM
Of course she could always blow him off by correcting his grammar...

umm... so THAT's how you do it. Funny, I thought you had to...o never mind.

Carole
12-11-2005, 09:47 PM
umm... so THAT's how you do it. Funny, I thought you had to...o never mind.
~laughing~ A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste!

Richard
12-11-2005, 09:49 PM
"Yes, but does anyone else here have a doctor's note proving they don't have gonorrhea?"

PeeDee
12-11-2005, 10:58 PM
Jenna should thank me. I've condensed the forum's pure filth into one thread... :)

"Babe, you got a road map? Cuz I keep getting lost in your eyes."

(we'll all notice that, despite multiple efforts IN A ROW, smooth-as-silk Optimus managed to pick up nothing but his Guinness.)

Perks
12-11-2005, 11:01 PM
Uh, not so PeeDee. Opti had me at 'hello' - or, at least, hello after that tremendous line about his watch being fast... It's a winner, 'cause mostly I want to kill him.

PeeDee
12-11-2005, 11:17 PM
Oh....er....well then.... :Hail:

Unique
12-11-2005, 11:19 PM
what he said: 'Baby, where have you been all my life?"

what I said: 'Hiding from you."

PeeDee
12-11-2005, 11:37 PM
Awright, how many of these are pickup lines that have actually, in real life, been USED on you? 'Cuz I'm just pulling random phrases out of the ether. The pickup line which got my wife was:

PETE: ....

RENEE: Hi.

PETE: ...*chokes*...

I know. It's a gift.

scarletpeaches
12-11-2005, 11:41 PM
My reply to the bold text is:


what he said: 'Baby, where have you been all my life?"

what I said: 'Hiding from you."

"I wasn't born for most of it."

PeeDee
12-11-2005, 11:43 PM
:banana:

threedogpeople
12-11-2005, 11:56 PM
*ahem*

Let me check your tag. Uh-huh. Just as I thought. Made in heaven.


Be afraid. Be very afraid.

writerterri
12-12-2005, 12:25 AM
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_14_8.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZUxdm080YYUS)



Oh, the cheese flows freely........



Here's one that would actually work on me.

If I told you that I was an astrologist, could I tell you about the stars in your eyes?

Here's one that didn't. "You remind me of my mom." My reply, "I think I hear her calling you."

Unique
12-12-2005, 12:25 AM
My reply to the bold text is:



"I wasn't born for most of it."

Yep. I could have said that too!

threedogpeople
12-12-2005, 12:28 AM
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_14_8.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZUxdm080YYUS)



Oh, the cheese flows freely........

:ROFL: :ROFL::ROFL: :ROFL::ROFL: :ROFL::ROFL: :ROFL::ROFL: :ROFL::ROFL: :ROFL::ROFL: :ROFL::ROFL: :ROFL::ROFL: :ROFL:

PeeDee
12-12-2005, 01:17 AM
Okay, the VISA one is dangerously close to being "best in thread" so far... :)

Optimus
12-12-2005, 01:35 AM
Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?

PeeDee
12-12-2005, 01:38 AM
Excuse me, are you Jamacian? 'Cuz Ja makin' me crazy!

Did you hear the latest medical report? You need to up your intake of vitamin me.

Celia Cyanide
12-12-2005, 01:40 AM
what he said: 'Baby, where have you been all my life?"

what I said: 'Hiding from you."

I had a friend who got that one, and said, "Elementary school."

What about breakup lines? I think we need more of those.

PeeDee
12-12-2005, 01:41 AM
*ahem*

Dear Shirley.

I hate your guts.

You are scuuuuuuuuum between my toes.

Love,
Alfalfa

scarletpeaches
12-12-2005, 01:42 AM
"It's not me, it's you."

PeeDee
12-12-2005, 01:43 AM
(on the pickup line front) Excuse me, are you a parking ticket? Cuz you got FINE written all over you. :kiss:

scarletpeaches
12-12-2005, 01:53 AM
Hey baby, you want some fries with that shake?

PeeDee
12-12-2005, 01:56 AM
My best one. *ahem*

"Hey, somebody farted. Let's get out of here, babe."

Works every time.

Optimus
12-12-2005, 02:17 AM
I know we don't get along. I've wished malaria on you numerous times. But THAT was great. If that doesn't work, you don't want the humorless b!tch anyway. :) That's come back to give me the giggles a bunch of times.

What a passive-aggressive post that (and your other one) was. Honestly, Perks, I don't even know who you are and can't recall a time where we've ever interacted.

Why? Because this is an anonymous internet messageboard, and I rarely let trivial quibbles with total strangers I'll never meet rile me up (well, there was one time with Alphabet, but she was being intransigent as usual). People are usually slightly to much different in their online personas than they are in real life. I'm sure several of the people I don't particularly like online would be quite enjoyable to be around in real life.

There are a few posters here whom I consider to be ignorant, naive, uneducated, talentless, or undeservedly stuck-up and unjustly bitchy, and they all seem to belong to the same "wolfpack" here, but I've never wished physical harm on them nor will I ever.

Moreso I've wished they'd go back to college, get a library card, seek professional therapy, and start reading the newspaper every now and again.

But, strangers don't bother me enough for me to hate them.

Optimus
12-12-2005, 02:22 AM
OPTIMUS
Say, baby. What's
your sign?

CHICK
"Stop."

Perks
12-12-2005, 02:29 AM
What a passive-aggressive post that (and your other one) was. Honestly, Perks, I don't even know who you are and can't recall a time where we've ever interacted.

Why? Because this is an anonymous internet messageboard, and I rarely let trivial quibbles with total strangers I'll never meet rile me up ...

I'm sorry. I was trying to be funny. You've been cited as contrary at times - hopefully, that doesn't come as a shock - and I was just playing on that. I don't wish you any harm, of course.

Optimus
12-12-2005, 02:32 AM
Hmm...you've inspired me to change my "title" under my name...

Optimus
12-12-2005, 02:33 AM
Whaddya think?

Perks
12-12-2005, 02:41 AM
Excellent! Now I'm really conflicted, not just passive-agressive: kill you or cuddle you?

PeeDee
12-12-2005, 02:45 AM
There are a few posters here whom I consider to be ignorant, naive, uneducated, talentless, or undeservedly stuck-up and unjustly bitchy, and they all seem to belong to the same "wolfpack" here, but I've never wished physical harm on them nor will I ever.

Aw, c'mon, you didn't have to invent a pick-up line just for me.

(I mean, I'm still not dating you, but...)

Carole
12-12-2005, 02:55 AM
Suffice to say that any line with the word "Baby" is gonna tank.

Hubby gets away with calling me baby...but only because he knows precisely how to say it!

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_3_22.gif

PeeDee
12-12-2005, 03:02 AM
I only get away with it if I'm already moving away from my wife at a fairly good clip, and if I'm ready to duck.

Carole
12-12-2005, 03:26 AM
Hubby just has this...way...of saying it. *grin*

reph
12-12-2005, 04:19 AM
This happened once. I don't recall the exact words. I'll give you the gist.


Strange man at produce market: Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

Me, trying to think: I don't know. Are you in Mensa?

Man: Huh?

Me: Oh, never mind.

PeeDee
12-12-2005, 04:23 AM
:Shrug:

Unique
12-12-2005, 04:25 AM
This happened once. I don't recall the exact words. I'll give you the gist.

Strange man at produce market: Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

Me, trying to think: I don't know. Are you in Mensa?

Man: Huh?

Me: Oh, never mind.

Way to weed 'em out, reph! :roll:

Optimus
12-12-2005, 04:29 AM
Optimus spots a naive young co-ed standing in line at the bookstore. He saunters over, pimptastically, taps her on the shoulder.

OPTIMUS
'Scuse me, but do you
sleep on your stomach?

She's thrown off, confused.

CHICK
Um...no?

OPTIMUS
(retardedly suave)
Can I?

PeeDee
12-12-2005, 04:32 AM
Someone get Optimus a crutch. 'Cuz he's LAME!

(zing!)

Optimus
12-12-2005, 04:36 AM
INT. UPSCALE PARTY - NIGHT

OPTIMUS, late 20s and hot in that smarmy kinda way, perambulates like a playa', scoping out the ladies. One at the dessert table catches his eye.

He slinks up beside her. She smiles politely. He grabs a brownie, studies it for a second. Turns to her, grins, cocky like Milwaukee...

OPTIMUS
Ya know, baby. There're
two things I could eat
all night long...

His eyes trace down her body to her special place.

OPTIMUS (cont'd.)
...and one of
them's chocolate.

He winks as he takes a bite.

SPLASH!

Her drink hits him in the face as she stomps off.

scarletpeaches
12-12-2005, 04:36 AM
Strap on the crash helmet, baby, cuz tonight you're going through the headboard!

PeeDee
12-12-2005, 04:37 AM
That's one way to get a free beer.... :)

Richard
12-12-2005, 04:37 AM
Chat-up lines are one of those annoying things. I find them lame and annoying to overhear, but at the same time, I'm probably not one to judge, having spent the other Saturday night sitting alone in front of a computer reviewing a Babylon 5 movie for the country's biggest science-fiction magazine.

PeeDee
12-12-2005, 04:38 AM
*wanders off topic*

Which Babylon 5 movie?

Richard
12-12-2005, 04:39 AM
Tedium of the Rangers: To Crap Out A Failed Pilot In Starlight.

Chicks dig that stuff. Specifically, like cats in a litter tray.

Sob sob sob.

scarletpeaches
12-12-2005, 04:40 AM
...SPLASH!

Her drink hits him in the face as she stomps off.

A free drink. Hence, you should always keep your mouth open when you're insulting a lady.

PeeDee
12-12-2005, 04:41 AM
Oh yes, that one. And was your review positive or negative? ;)

(okay, it wasn't THAT good. It was better than Crusade.)

Anyway, be positive. Otherwise, we're never going to lure Joe Straczynski away from Spider-Man and back to Babylon 5. :)

reph
12-12-2005, 04:41 AM
Tedium of the Rangers: To Crap Out A Failed Pilot In Starlight.
The first time I read that, I thought it said To Crap Out a Failed Plot.

PeeDee
12-12-2005, 04:42 AM
Really, it could've been either one.... *sighs*

(it is a dark day in the world that I'm saying unkind things about B5)

Richard
12-12-2005, 04:45 AM
(okay, it wasn't THAT good. It was better than Crusade.)

You're not allowed to talk any more. It has been Decreed.

Nicholas S.H.J.M Woodhouse
12-12-2005, 04:46 AM
now that one could work

PeeDee
12-12-2005, 04:51 AM
Only works on me if you give me five dollars, though.

All right, so it wasn't any better than Crusade, which was also no good! Okay! Fine! GHAR! WHAR BE MAH VOODOO DALLS!

Carole
12-12-2005, 05:30 AM
Strap on the crash helmet, baby, cuz tonight you're going through the headboard!
Good Lord, Scarlet!!!! That was the first time I actually LITERALLY laughed out loud today. You get the prize. Dunno what it is yet, but you'll be the first to know.

Sage
12-12-2005, 05:35 AM
I'm probably not one to judge, having spent the other Saturday night sitting alone in front of a computer reviewing a Babylon 5 movie for the country's biggest science-fiction magazine.

Say that to me, & you're the most likely to actually pick me up than w/ any line in this thread ;)

PeeDee
12-12-2005, 05:52 AM
Yeah, me too, really....

writerterri
12-12-2005, 07:20 AM
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_14_7.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZUxdm080YYUS)


This one might work on me if he had a nice fur coat and a wet nose.

PeeDee
12-12-2005, 08:10 AM
Where on EARTH are you getting these horrible smilies-with-eyebrows?

writerterri
12-12-2005, 12:14 PM
Aren't they funny? http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/8/8_2_74v.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZUxdm080YYUS)



http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_14_4.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZUxdm080YYUS)

PeeDee
12-14-2005, 12:45 AM
The part of me that is horrified doesn't think so, but the part of me that wants to date them does.

Jaycinth
12-14-2005, 01:07 AM
Pick up lines??? You actually write with that same brain that uses them?

I'm amazed. I always thought that the pick up lines were a dude's way of asking me to hurt him. Guy gives me a line I smile, take his hand....he gives me another line and I squeeze and twist. I always thought this was an amusing party trick. Almost everyone laughs. Really
Then I go and hang out with the dude who laughs the longest.

PeeDee
12-14-2005, 01:10 AM
...who is very likely a lunatic. ;)

And hey, we never said ANYONE could use 'em. Pick-up lines are best used by professionals like me. Wearing proper safety gear (a silk shirt, carrying a cane, etc.) and with the proper tools (mouth spray, hair slicked back, independently moveable eyebrows, etc.)

This is tricky stuff. :)

Mac H.
12-14-2005, 01:40 AM
Hey - they were all pickup lines that guys use on girls. What about the other way around?

The worst pickup line a girl has ever tried on me:

"My therapist says I'm a nymphomaniac - but I'm not. I just want to have sex all the time."

No joke.

Mac.

BradyH1861
12-14-2005, 01:43 AM
I think I've told this story before a while back. The first time I ever laid eyes on my wife, I walked up behind her at the bar, put my hand on her butt, and said "Excuse me. Is this seat taken?"

As it turns out, it wasn't taken at the time. Lucky me. That is the only time that a pickup line ever worked for me. Apparently she was so shocked at my being that forward that she didn't think to slap me, which would be her reaction if I were to do it to her now.

Brady

writerterri
12-14-2005, 01:45 AM
Hey - they were all pickup lines that guys use on girls. What about the other way around?

The worst pickup line a girl has ever tried on me:

"My therapist says I'm a nymphomaniac - but I'm not. I just want to have sex all the time."

No joke.

Mac.


We usually aren't that desperate, which is why men are usually the ones that come up with them. Right Opti? *wink*

Just kidding, don't PM me. I might send you those notes for real.

Perks
12-14-2005, 01:53 AM
I think I've told this story before a while back. The first time I ever laid eyes on my wife, I walked up behind her at the bar, put my hand on her butt, and said "Excuse me. Is this seat taken?"

As it turns out, it wasn't taken at the time. Lucky me. That is the only time that a pickup line ever worked for me. Apparently she was so shocked at my being that forward that she didn't think to slap me, which would be her reaction if I were to do it to her now.

Brady

You didn't know her and you put your hand on her butt? Brady, you must be the most charming man in the world or a remote hypnotist. Otherwise, had it been me, you'd have drawn back a bloody stump.

My-Immortal
12-14-2005, 02:17 AM
I was never much of a smooth talker when it came to approaching the ladies...I was always much better once I got past the first few awkward exchanges. After fumbling around a bit I'd toss out:

You know, when I write my autobiography, this conversation will sound so much better.

Another time, I made a complete fool of myself - mistaking the woman's identity with someone else I had met a few weeks earlier. The woman I'd met a few weeks earlier had a little boy and so I said to this other woman, "Hi. How's your little one doing?"

She looked at me a bit confused, but answered: "Fine."

"Who's watching him for you tonight?"

Again, a confused look, "SHE is home alone."

This time, I'm confused, I could have sworn she had a little boy too young to be left home alone and I'm starting to think I've made a huge mistake. "I'm sorry, I thought you had a little boy...."

"Ahhhh...no, I have a little dog and she's home alone and she's fine, thanks for asking." Laugh. "Did you confuse me with someone else?"

Nodding and turning a bright shade of red, "Yes..." next song starts playing, "...and if I can get my foot out of my mouth, would you like to dance?"

She did...and about a year and a half later we were married. :)

Thankfully, I don't have to try pickup lines anymore!!!

Take care all -

trumancoyote
12-14-2005, 02:22 AM
Excuse me, but does this napkin smell like chloroform?

Perks
12-14-2005, 02:37 AM
Excuse me, but does this napkin smell like chloroform?

Okay, I'm officially in love. :Hail:

trumancoyote
12-14-2005, 02:45 AM
Works every time.

My-Immortal
12-14-2005, 02:46 AM
Works every time.

The chloroform?

Or your lines...?

Celia Cyanide
12-14-2005, 02:48 AM
I am totally in love with Zach's chloroform.

trumancoyote
12-14-2005, 02:49 AM
The chloroform?

Or your lines...?

Look at me.

Now... which do you think?

My-Immortal
12-14-2005, 02:55 AM
Chloroform should work everytime....so....

BradyH1861
12-14-2005, 03:42 AM
You didn't know her and you put your hand on her butt? Brady, you must be the most charming man in the world or a remote hypnotist. Otherwise, had it been me, you'd have drawn back a bloody stump.

I am neither of those things. I was once a brave man. Now, I am quite the coward.

Brady

reph
12-14-2005, 04:48 AM
Cumulatively, most posts in this thread convince me that singles bars must be dreadful places where no one knows how to start a conversation.

trumancoyote
12-14-2005, 04:49 AM
Stop talking and start making my babies.

My-Immortal
12-14-2005, 04:50 AM
Stop talking and start making my babies.

Now say: You've gotta purty mouth...

Hmmmm.....some eerie similarities there... LOL

PeeDee
12-14-2005, 10:12 AM
Cumulatively, most posts in this thread convince me that singles bars must be dreadful places where no one knows how to start a conversation.

This thread tells you that if it were a single bar populated by WRITERS, it would be a freaking dandy place. Also, that half the people in there are married, but.... :)

writerterri
12-14-2005, 11:07 AM
Hey Reph! http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_14_10.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZUxdm080YYUS)

Optimus
12-14-2005, 12:38 PM
"Nice shoes. Wanna f--k?"

Carole
12-14-2005, 03:49 PM
Cumulatively, most posts in this thread convince me that singles bars must be dreadful places where no one knows how to start a conversation.
It's the alcohol.

writerterri
12-14-2005, 09:18 PM
I quit the bar scene when I was 23. I didn't like the dark side of it and started to go to a really great coffee shop in Pacific Beach in San Diego. This thread is sort of the mood there. You take things on a lighter side and have fun with it. Poking fun at cheesy pick-up lines shows a person on a human level. Leaving yourself open to be vulnerable and being able to laugh about it says a lot good things about a persons personality. Maybe the people in this thread are risk takers-sometimes we tend to group.

I had fun here Pee Dee.

And Carole, you're right about the alcohol thing. *laughing*