Language, clarity, and self-censorship.

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DancingMaenid

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Over in the "Things Straight People Do That Bug LGBT People" thread, there was some discussion about the appropriateness of the word queer, particularly when it comes to referring to people who identify as queer.

As was pointed out in that thread, some people dislike the word and react negatively to it because they associate it with being used as a slur, or they've only been exposed to it as a slur. And I said that while I identify as queer myself, I'll sometimes use other words, such as "bisexual", if I think it'll be clearer or if I think people will react negatively to "queer."

I have a similar issue with pronouns. I prefer non-binary pronouns, particularly "they" and "them", though others are okay. But I suspect that most people outside of my more trans and genderqueer friendly circles won't understand, so I hesitate to mention or bring that up sometimes. I worry about this a little when it comes to referring to friends of mine who also prefer non-binary pronouns, too.

I also hesitate to use words like cis/cisgender in everyday conversation because I know many people are unfamiliar with them.

A lot of times I don't mind explaining things to people, but sometimes I'm not in the mood for that. Also, while I don't mind people who simply don't know/understand, but are nice about it, I am concerned sometimes about encountering more negative reactions, especially since I'm queer and genderqueer myself.

But I wonder sometimes if I'm doing everyone a disservice by self-censoring. By changing how I talk, aren't I implicitly supporting the social system in which many people are never exposed to these things?

I find this can be relevant to writing, too. A while back, someone I knew wrote a story that used non-binary pronouns for a character, and a lot of people didn't understand it. Is this a bad thing? Does a writer have a responsibility to use language that the audience will be familiar with?

I'm interested in knowing how you guys handle things like this, and how you feel. Is clarity more important than accuracy or preference? Does it depend?
 

Kim Fierce

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I think in writing we owe it to ourselves to use whichever words, pronouns, and terms we want. If there might need to be some explanation, than so be it. I'm not sure what cis/cisgender means myself. I consider myself gay or lesbian, and used to think queer was insulting, but now I realize it's a very common term used by many people. So letting others know this in writing is surely a good thing.

But in speaking, a lot of times I still self-censor. I refer to my partner as my wife, but in some situations I will call her my girlfriend because in some casesif I call her my wife people will ask "Oh, she's your wife? Did you get legally married? I thought that wsan't legal here" and etc. and I don't want to have to explain, no, it's not legal, but we consider ourselves married anyway.
 

kuwisdelu

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As I mentioned over in PoC, my forgetfulness tends to help me here. No matter your race, color, creed, or gender identification, I tend to address my statements or questions to blank space until people realize I'm address them.

My problem with gender-neutral pronouns (it's a shame our only common one, "it" has such a negative connotation) is that there are so many candidates. If all English speaking people can decide on one, awesome. But I'm afraid that will never happen, so going with those isn't exactly my first thought, tendency, or priority.
 
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