Things Straight People Do That Bug LGBT People

One thing that annoys me is when some straight people say, "I don't care what people do in their bedrooms. Just don't flaunt it." Or something along those lines. This is despite the fact that they're showing their heteroness by giving their partner a kiss or just saying what them and their partner did recently. Some straight people seem completely blind to that fact that they're displaying their straightness constantly and get upset when someone in a same-sex relationship does the same stuff.

Shadow Dragon said:

One thing that annoys me is when some straight people say, "I don't care what people do in their bedrooms. Just don't flaunt it." Or something along those lines. This is despite the fact that they're showing their heteroness by giving their partner a kiss or just saying what them and their partner did recently. Some straight people seem completely blind to that fact that they're displaying their straightness constantly and get upset when someone in a same-sex relationship does the same stuff.

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Ooh yeah, that's a big one for me, too. They don't seem to get that "don't flaunt it" means "keep your partner a deep, dark secret for the rest of your life" and "don't participate in couples nights with coworkers, conversations with coworkers about partners or ever go out in public with your partner and show any affection to them at all ever". Or maybe they do and are just gits.

One that particularly bothers me is straight people and approaches to bi people. The number of times during my teens that what I thought was a hot hookup turned out to be some blokes ex-girlfriend looking to make him jealous, or some other straight girl performing for the guys. I've had guys ask me and my best friend to "snog each other, go on, and I'll get you a drink" if they've heard from someone that we're neither of us straight.

Ask to watch.

Ask to borrow us for a threesome to spice up your relationship.

Act like we should be kept away from children.

Mention that damned Katy Perry song and ask if we did it "just to try it."

Imply that those of us who are married must be unfaithful if we're also attracted to the other gender.

Basically, if it reinforces a stereotype (whether about us or one that plays into the "guys get crazy turned on by two girls" stereotype)...don't.

thethinker42 said:

Imply that those of us who are married must be unfaithful if we're also attracted to the other gender.

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This.

I'm not married, but I'm in a long term, monogamous relationship. We are both bi. People act like our relationship is unstable somehow because of it, and that's just crazy.

It also bugs me when people think that if you're attracted the same gender as yourself, you must be attracted to every person of that gender. Straight people aren't attracted to every member of the opposite sex, are they?

SaronaNalia said:

This.

I'm not married, but I'm in a long term, monogamous relationship. We are both bi. People act like our relationship is unstable somehow because of it, and that's just crazy.

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Fun, isn't it?

It also bugs me when people think that if you're attracted the same gender as yourself, you must be attracted to every person of that gender. Straight people aren't attracted to every member of the opposite sex, are they?

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YES.

It was kind of funny, my husband was at a post-DADT training thing (he's military), and some of the guys were being incredibly ignorant about queer people. One of them said, "I don't want some [euphemism] checking out my junk!" My husband shot back, "What makes you think he would? Gay men do have standards, you know."

I love him.

thethinker42 said:

It was kind of funny, my husband was at a post-DADT training thing (he's military), and some of the guys were being incredibly ignorant about queer people. One of them said, "I don't want some [euphemism] checking out my junk!" My husband shot back, "What makes you think he would? Gay men do have standards, you know."

I love him.

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I once saw a definition of homophobia that was something to the effect of "The fear that gay men will treat you the way you treat women."

Sarashay said:

"The fear that gay men will treat you the way you treat women."

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Hah, I saw that one too.

I hate it when people call bisexuals 'greedy' or 'confused'. I don't understand that line of thinking at all.

Sarashay said:

I once saw a definition of homophobia that was something to the effect of "The fear that gay men will treat you the way you treat women."

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I love that.

Anjasa said:

Hah, I saw that one too.

I hate it when people call bisexuals 'greedy' or 'confused'. I don't understand that line of thinking at all.

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OMG, no kidding. I'm not sure which of the two bugs me more, but I think the confusion one wins by a nose. Because clearly, if a woman is making me trip over my own feet or words, I'm just confused. Don't you just love people? >.<

Ask my partner and I (we are both ladies) which one of us is "the guy of the relationship". Umm, neither of us? That's kinda the point?

Ask us "When you have kids, which one of you will be the mom?" Again, umm, both?

Ask us to cosign for a loan or a mortgage, with the implication that we don't need loans of our own because we aren't a real couple with real plans for kids and minivans and a house.

Basically the attitude toward you. If you're a black teenage boy that's never hurt a fly in your life and walk down the street and people cross it because they expect you to be a gangland thug out to kill you, then you might understand what it feels like to walk down the street with your partner and people cross the street because you're flaunting your sexuality and want to destroy marriage, as well as spread HIV.

That's a bit extreme, I know, but it's the same thing. If you say we're the stereotype, we might get annoyed. As you would be if it was some stereotype connected to your skincolour. You might actually love friend chicken and grits, but it's annoying when people assume you do because you're black. The same thing is that you might be as camp as Bruno, but it's annoying when people assume you're camp because you're a gay man.

The number one thing that bothers me is the heteronormative assumption. That is, assuming I'm straight until the person finds out I have a girlfriend. Especially because--as much as I ping queer for other queer folks--many straight people assume I'm straight because I don't "look gay." (Ugh.)

It's also frustrating when one assumes a person in a heterosexual relationship is straight--they may be bisexual or pansexual.

The fact is, we don't know someone's sexual orientation unless they say what it is, no matter how much we think we can glean from observation.

Yup yup yup. Blargh. Can I also add a specific-to-a-small-number-of-straight-people gripe? My other half, my mum, my dad and a few other relatives seem to have this idea that... actually I don't know what they are thinking. But they keep outing me to people. A basic conversation with a complete stranger in the pub, I'm there, and they tell this complete stranger that I'm bi. Or tell some family friend, distant relative, teenage friend of a younger relative...

I guess they might be showing that they "accept" me, in the case of my parents, or maybe they think bi is a "safe" orientation to come out as? I'm not sure. My parents do it with me being Pagan as well, except they tell everyone I'm Wiccan which... I'm really not. I'm loosely Northern-Tradition with less emphasis on the reconstructionist, but "Pagan" is a simple enough description if you really want to use one. Why Wiccan, for fuck's sake? Apparently "It's the same thing".

I mean, I'm not saying I want to spend my life as a closet queer pagan, but it'd be nice to come out on my own terms, and to come out as being something I actually am!

*edit*
Oh wait, there was one worse than the Pagan=Wiccan incident. One time, I swear, a friend outed me as "used to be bi". Apparently because I'm in a long-term relationship with a guy I've clearly decided I'm straight, now. Nipped that one in the bud.

I don't like it when people assume that because you are a bisexual woman, even if you have had threesomes in the past, that you automatically want to do it with them.

I'm quite fond of this etiquette guide: A Straight Person's Guide to Gay Etiquette

It's funny because it's true.

And there's Tumblr.

Medievalist said:

I'm quite fond of this etiquette guide: A Straight Person's Guide to Gay Etiquette

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I like that, Medi - thanks.

esp this bit was very sensible

When a gay person uses a term like "queer" to refer to another gay person, everyone understands that it is not meant unkindly, because within the community the meaning of that term has been changed by mutual consent. This happens all the time within minority groups and members of those groups understand the process. This happens all the time within minority groups and members of those groups understand the process. Here's how it works:

1. Heterosexuals, believing that homosexuality is something inherently perverse and bizarre, refer to them as "queer," meaning "like, totally weird, I mean, yucko."
2. Homosexual persons take offense at this, knowing that they are not inherently any weirder than heterosexual persons, and dislike having this term applied to them because it is belittling, alienating, and inaccurate.
3. Over time, however, homosexuals begin to realize that if your standard of normalcy is the average heterosexual American, well, being weird is actually a good thing. They begin to think of themselves as, indeed, queer, and proud of it. Thus, when they use the word "queer" to describe themselves, they do not mean "perverted and sick," they mean "interesting and cool."

And here you have the crux of the matter: same word, two different meanings, depending on the context. When the word is used from one gay person to another, it means something good. When it is used from a straight person to a gay one, it means something bad.

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*Adjusts mike*


Hello,my name is Kitty. I''m straight and a proud supporter of my LGBT peeps. But once I was a hapless straight who didn't quite understand things and made a complete fool of myself.

You see,I assumed that a cross dresser and transgendered person were one in the same. I didn't know that straight guys also cross dress. I didn't know that a transgendered person's gender identification doesn't lie in their genitalia. It was about how they felt mentally, emotionally, and spiritually connected to the sex they truly felt they were. My ignorance was profound!



But you live and you learn. Straights can be quite silly at times.


It's good to ask,NT. If you don't ask,you'll never know,

Shadow Dragon said:

One thing that annoys me is when some straight people say, "I don't care what people do in their bedrooms. Just don't flaunt it." Or something along those lines. This is despite the fact that they're showing their heteroness by giving their partner a kiss or just saying what them and their partner did recently. Some straight people seem completely blind to that fact that they're displaying their straightness constantly and get upset when someone in a same-sex relationship does the same stuff.

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This. And I think a lot of people are inclined to see intimacy between LGBT people as being more explicit than intimacy between straight people. Like you say, they're just not aware of all the little things they do, or that they see other straight couples do. It's normal to them, whereas LGBT couples stand out.

I also second all the bisexuality stuff. It's amazing how many people assume you can't be happy in a monogamous relationship if you're bisexual, or otherwise make broad assumptions about you.

One thing that bothers me sometimes that I...sorta feel bad about making a fuss over (and maybe it's just me): I've been in some debates online where straight allies have tried to defend us against the idea that being gay is a choice by saying things like, "Who would choose to be gay? Why would you want to be something that people will hate you for?"

I don't usually complain about that because it comes from really good intentions, and it does make a valid point to an extent. It also depends on how it's worded somewhat. But it can be uncomfortable to have someone who isn't part of your community talk about how no one would ever want to be a part of your community. Being LGBT can be difficult for a lot of people, but there can also be good experiences.

Besides, I like my sexuality. I have no idea what I would choose for myself if sexuality were something that could be easily chosen, but I don't feel like the one I've got would be a bad choice.

Another thing: people assuming that I'm genderqueer because I don't want to be female, I'm uncomfortable expressing femininity, or I harbor internalized misogyny. FTM guys get this a lot too. But I've also gotten this from people who seem to generally accept and understand binary-identified trans people. The concept of genderqueer and non-binary identities doesn't make sense to them, and they react with suspicion.

If you don't mind me hijacking the thread for just a minute, NT, may I ask a potentially stupid question? As a straight person who wants to be the best ally possible, am I allowed to call someone queer if that's how they identify themselves, or am I being an insufferable ass if I do so?

Backstory: one of my closest friends recently came out, but isn't entirely comfortable with a specific label (such as lesbian, bisexual, etc.), so she calls herself queer. When I was trying to tell my parents about a concert we went to with some mutual friends, including my friend's crush, my mom asked if said crush was a girl. Having already talked to my friend and knowing she was okay with my parents knowing, I said yes, Friend is queer. My dad yelled at me for using an offensive word, and it left me wondering. I totally see how someone hearing me say that could be horribly offended, and it's absolutely not my place to label her, but since that's what she says, I'm not sure what else to call her...? Maybe something like, "she's LGBT"? Or is there some other non-offensive blanket term I've missed?

There is a generational gap about the word queer; many older people, of whatever orientation, still find it unacceptable.

I'm going to quote myself, because I can:

The meaning of queer has changed; it really has. My university has internationally respected scholars in my department whose field is queer studies. There's a Ph.D. exam in queer studies; there are queer studies programs at Harvard, Oxford, Cambridge . . .

Part of reclaiming the word is that the meaning has changed; queer means more than homosexual, now.

Members of my generation and the ones on either side of me who feel that their sexual orientation is other than heterosexual deliberately use queer to refer to themselves, seeing queer as a word that includes a wide variety of people. Queer is very much seen as a term in an individual's idiolect.

Here's the catch though: It depends, to some extent, on the person using it, as to whether or not it's OK to use queer, and it also depends, very much, on the context.

Here's a useful Usage Note from the American Heritage Dictionary:

American Heritage Dictionary 4th ed said:

USAGE NOTE: A reclaimed word is a word that was formerly used solely as a slur but that has been semantically overturned by members of the maligned group, who use it as a term of defiant pride. Queer is an example of a word undergoing this process. For decades queer was used solely as a derogatory adjective for gays and lesbians, but in the 1980s the term began to be used by gay and lesbian activists as a term of self-identification. Eventually, it came to be used as an umbrella term that included gay men, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgendered people. Nevertheless, a sizable percentage of people to whom this term might apply still hold queer to be a hateful insult, and its use by heterosexuals is often considered offensive. Similarly, other reclaimed words are usually offensive to the in-group when used by outsiders, so extreme caution must be taken concerning their use when one is not a member of the group.

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There are people in their 50s who, while they've been comfortable with who they love, and how, and have been "out" for twenty or more years, would never in a million years use the term queer to refer to themselves--and as a courtesy, I would never use the word queer to refer to them.

But I am not going to allow someone else . . . to tell me how to use my language to describe myself.

And, as a language professional, with particular expertise in this area, I'm not going to let someone else cry "politically correct" and skuttle off when they are historically, and linguistically, wrong.

Queer has been used, formally, in print, to refer to romantic and sexual relationships that are not heteronormative since 1895, when it was used in national newspapers to refer to the trial of Oscar Wilde.

That's over a hundred years of public mainstream use.

Yasaibatake said:

Backstory: one of my closest friends recently came out, but isn't entirely comfortable with a specific label (such as lesbian, bisexual, etc.), so she calls herself queer. When I was trying to tell my parents about a concert we went to with some mutual friends, including my friend's crush, my mom asked if said crush was a girl. Having already talked to my friend and knowing she was okay with my parents knowing, I said yes, Friend is queer. My dad yelled at me for using an offensive word, and it left me wondering. I totally see how someone hearing me say that could be horribly offended, and it's absolutely not my place to label her, but since that's what she says, I'm not sure what else to call her...? Maybe something like, "she's LGBT"? Or is there some other non-offensive blanket term I've missed?

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This is definitely a complicated issue.

First of all, the easy answer is that yes, it's okay to refer to someone as queer if you know that's how they identify.

But it is a word that people can have strong feelings about, and maybe misunderstand. Some LGBT people don't care for it, like Medievalist explains. But also, I think there are probably a lot of straight people who have never been exposed to the word being used for anything other than an insult. Many people don't know anyone who self-identifies as queer, and a lot of people probably aren't familiar with the academic use of the word (terms like "queer studies" and "queer theory" are pretty accepted in academia, in my experience).

A while back, I casually used the word queer around my mom, who's in her late fifties, and she was very scandalized by it. Like your dad, she only associates it with a slur.

I identify as queer. It's my preferred label and I find it fits me better than anything else. However, personally, I'm willing to use different labels for myself depending on who I'm talking to and what I'm hoping to accomplish. If I feel like calling myself queer will be confusing or distract from what I'm trying to say, I'll use a term like bisexual (most of the time) or gay (occasionally) instead. Am I doing myself and others a disservice sometimes by doing that? Maybe. Am I underestimating people sometimes? Perhaps. But it's something I weigh out depending on who I'm talking to and in what context.

But this is my decision about how I identify. The best advice I can offer you is to respect your friend's choice in how to label herself, and if someone finds it offensive, tell them that you're using the word that she prefers.

If someone refers to themselves as queer, call them queer. If they call themselves gay, call them gay. Etc.

When in doubt, ask the individual what they'd like to be referred to as.

Different people have different opinions on contentious words, so it's always best to be polite and personalize things.

Yup. I prefer to call myself queer, as well, but I definitely change that to bi depending on the company I'm in. Bi might not fit as such, but it is close enough to be sufficient when I'm talking to people who will ask more questions if I say queer, or who will be offended by the use of the word.

I don't really know how best to answer when other people ask if your friend is gay, though. Maybe, "sie's not straight, no, but I haven't asked sie to go into any detail." or something? It gets the message across without applying any labels, and also handily hints that asking for more information isn't appropriate, or at least that you can't answer.

Within the writing community, the thing that never fails to piss me off is the straight writers of GLBT erotica who bitch and moan about having to hide their "writer identities" from their families, coworkers, etc.--and do so to their colleagues who identify as GLBT, with no sense of irony whatsoever.

What's even worse is the ones who claim this makes them understand what it's like to be gay because they've "experienced that prejudice." Again, to their GLBT colleagues, with no clue how insulting that is.

One things that annoys me as a trans person is gender stereotyping.

For instance, in the past week at work, I've had 4 people ask me, sounding shocked, why I have long nails. What? Who the fuck cares? They're my nails - I'm not scratching your back with them. Leave me alone.

I've also had 1 of those people tell me that they think long nails are disgusting on boys. Oh, so it's alright for women, but if I have a penis I'm supposed to cut my nails religiously? This person then told me she bites her nails, which I thought was far more disgusting than my having long nails.

She also implied that long hair was unacceptable on a boy.

Then I had a customer yesterday trying to make me feel bad for having long hair. Snide comments that were pseudo-appropriate for the running conversation about hair frizzing up in the heat. As he left with his girlfriend, he muttered something under his breath that sounded like "Faggot".

I then, later that same day, had a coworker tell me I'd make someone a great wife someday because I was cleaning the counter. Umm, what? Yes, I would make an awesome wife, but you obviously thought you were insulting me with your gender norms. I shouldn't have to defend myself against what you think is (ab)normal.

...

It should be obvious at this point that when people apply gender norms to me, I get irritated. That is understandable.

But what really gets under my skin is hearing cisgendered people applying gender norms to each other. THAT is where the problem starts!!! A cis person chides other cis people into acting masculine or feminine as their society dictates, then they do it to me. (Not everyone is like this, obviously - but a lot of people are.)

If you want to treat trans people fairly, don't treat cis people like gender stereotypes. Change will flow from there.

/rant

I'm glad you started this thread. I needed to get that off my chest.