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View Full Version : Little old ladies who want a bargain are terrifying.



Anninyn
12-27-2011, 07:25 PM
Me and Jos hit the sales today to see if we could get a new Quilt. Ours is a good ten or fifteen years old and smells like wet zombie dog.

One thing I discovered in the chaos of miserable faces and screaming children, is that old ladies are terrifying. Oh, they may pretend to be frail and confused, but when it comes to getting their withered hands on a bargain they may as well paint their faces with blood. They're savage, vicious.

My ribs are bruised by pointy old elbows. At one point I was looking at a duvet cover and a wrinkled yoda-alike ripped it out of my hands before giving me a dirty look and scuttling off.

So, I say this to you. Stop telling yourself they are kind, sweet old things. They are a vicious tribe of marauders, and they have had their time. Run them down in the shops. Get the bargains now while you are young, or young-ish.

Don't bow under their yoke. Take back the sales.

(we did end up getting a quilt, at which point we retired to the pub to lick our wounds - which should explain any spelling mistakes)

jjdebenedictis
12-27-2011, 11:59 PM
Y'know why they're so vicious?

Because they are us, except with decades of experience at vanquishing the (other) little old ladies.

Bring on the red face-paint and the elbow-chisel.

Snitchcat
12-28-2011, 05:53 AM
*Offers riot gear*

CACTUSWENDY
12-28-2011, 07:35 AM
And don't you forget it, you whipper snapper you.

We also have our minds set on what we want and with less time to live we dang well expect to get it when we want it. :tongue

(And with that I hit the 12,000 post.)

Cliff Face
12-28-2011, 10:43 AM
Yeah, I hear ya!

Some of the scariest people I've ever met at work have been little old ladies.

I think perhaps they have to be super tough, just to survive the new wave of young'uns. I'm always hearing about elderly people being victims of vicious attacks.

Archerbird
12-28-2011, 05:47 PM
I hear ye. Even after they're done shopping they are dangerous. I've had to push one of them out of my way more than once. They always started it, and trust me, they weren't as frail as they looked. Really.


Edit; okay, that came out wrong. I don't usually push little old ladies around.

Mr Flibble
12-28-2011, 05:51 PM
Edit; okay, that came out wrong. I don't usually push little old ladies around.

What you need is this:


:brit

Anninyn
12-28-2011, 05:52 PM
I hear ye. Even after they're done shopping they are dangerous. I've had to push one of them out of my way more than once. They always started it, and trust me, they weren't as frail as they looked. Really.


Edit; okay, that came out wrong. I don't usually push little old ladies around.

Jos says that when Marks and Spencers reduces their food, the little old ladies are sharks. He never gets anything good, they're too quick. I told him to just barge them out of the way.

"They're old!" he says, looking horrified.
"Yeah." I say. "Which means they've had their time. It's our time now. BARGE THEM."

JSDR
12-28-2011, 08:54 PM
Eh..... they're not so bad. I figure that if I really wanted something that bad, I'd have gotten to the store sooner.

You know, because they don't need but 4 hours of sleep per night! :)

jjdebenedictis
12-28-2011, 09:16 PM
[T]hey don't need but 4 hours of sleep per night! :)Aha! I think you may have just discovered the key to their fiendish energy!

Kitty27
12-29-2011, 01:04 AM
You are telling the truth. My mother and her church group are something else. They either pull the sweet old lady face that makes folks melt or use the shaming technique. My mom's friend is a master of the "You ill raised heathen person! Shame on you for being a disrespectful lout who denies an elderly lady,you filth,"

I don't dare barge or push them aside. They will give the harpy cry and go IN on your behind in the South. I've been molly wopped with many a pocketbook. What do they have in those feed bags anyway? It feels like a load of bricks.

mccardey
12-29-2011, 01:07 AM
I misread. I thought you said


Shame on you for being a disrespectful lout who denies an elderly lady filth,"



The re-read was a bit of a let-down, frankly.

Just sayin'

Ol' Fashioned Girl
12-29-2011, 02:55 AM
.... I've been molly wopped with many a pocketbook. What do they have in those feed bags anyway? It feels like a load of bricks.

I don't know about the others, but I carry a Bersa .380 loaded with hollow points.

Haggis
12-29-2011, 03:03 AM
I always stand well away from the fray, rooting on the old broads.

Ari Meermans
12-29-2011, 03:12 AM
I always stand well away from the fray, rooting on the old broads.

:Wha:

Alrighty then. I have to do a bit of shopping tomorrow. You lot can consider this fair warning. :D

Anninyn
12-29-2011, 03:13 AM
According to Jos, some pull a spectacularly sneaky trick.

He's a big guy, 6'5" so they totter over to him, put on the quavery voice and say 'excuse me, could you just reach this for me...' for the last sale item on a high shelf.

The sneaky...

mccardey
12-29-2011, 03:17 AM
I always stand well away from the fray, rooting on the old broads.


**snicker**


If you were in Australia, you could be arrested for that...

Anninyn
12-29-2011, 03:20 AM
**snicker**


If you were in Australia, you could be arrested for that...

I was about to make a joke about a Dizzee Rascal song, but then realised almost no-one would get it and that would make me feel awkward when I had to explain it.

So instead I am doing this awkward reply to tell you I would have made this joke over a rather silly song with the line 'she's worth more than a hotel rooting'.

/sociallyawkward

Haggis
12-29-2011, 03:36 AM
Do we need an Australian humor warning smilie now?

jjdebenedictis
12-29-2011, 04:49 AM
I've been molly wopped with many a pocketbook. What do they have in those feed bags anyway? It feels like a load of bricks.Terry Pratchett has, in his writing, often extolled the terror and the power dynamo that is little old ladies.

One of his characters was quite memorably burned as a witch.

I say memorably because she packed her petticoats with gunpowder and roofing nails first.

"Oh, my old bones; don't you mind me tottering so slowly toward the pyre..." **high-pitched old lady cackle**

So? Possibly bricks. You might have that exactly right.

Cliff Face
12-29-2011, 02:12 PM
I've read that book. It was awesome. :D

kayleamay
12-29-2011, 09:39 PM
This thread reminded me of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yj-6nJCQYdo

By the end of it, I was laugh-crying.

Haggis
12-29-2011, 10:22 PM
She hit him with her...bible. :roll:

Goldenleaves
12-29-2011, 10:54 PM
You go to sales? The rest of us just send old ladies and pay 'em a premium. Saves on medical bills.

This reminds me of a remarkable mugging I saw years ago in Compton. The purse snatcher cried with relief and apologies when passers by took pity on him and stopped laughing long enough to rescue him from his teeny little old lady victim. She was kicking and beating hell out of him, shouting something about knocking satan clear outa his bones.

People forget, little old ladies have seen it all, done it all and really don't care over much if they do die - one thing's for damn sure, they're not putting up with that kind of behaviour.

kayleamay
01-01-2012, 07:21 AM
I had to resurrect this thread because of something I witnessed today.

I was at Winco and it was packed to the point that I was forced to follow a slow procession down the aisles of the store. (Everywhere else was closed by 2 p.m., so half the town was there.) Anyhoo, I got stuck at the busy intersection between cheeses and meats and there was this tiny little old couple standing in front of the frozen turkeys just screaming at each other. I don't think either of them weighed over 100 lbs. At first, it was entertaining because she was cursing like a sailor and based on his responses (which were completely non-sensical, but still irrate) he either couldn't hear her or was senile.

Finally, she screamed, "I hate you!" and attempted to throw a frozen turkey at him, but it only flopped out of her arms and landed on his foot, which made him howl. It took him a minute to regain composure and straighten up, then he yelled, "You can just walk home!" and turned and started walking away from her.

But here's the part when I actually snort/laughed-out-loud. When he was halfway toward the front of the store she yelled after him, "You're the one walking! I'm the one who has the keys, the driver's license and remembers where our house is!".

God, I love old people.

Ari Meermans
01-01-2012, 08:17 AM
But here's the part when I actually snort/laughed-out-loud. When he was halfway toward the front of the store she yelled after him, "You're the one walking! I'm the one who has the keys, the driver's license and remembers where our house is!".

God, I love old people.

OMG! Too freakin' funny! Sounds like my old man and me--'cept he is over 6 feet tall and I barely reach 5. Plus, of course, we don't act that way in public. All I have to do is remind him who'll be choosing his nursing home.