Favorite zingers

Perks

delicate #!&@*#! flower
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I've had occasion today to consider my favorite biting comments. I think I've decided that this one might be the tops:

If you were on fire, I wouldn't piss on you to put it out.


What are your go-to sticks and stones?
 

sailor

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I can't remember where/when I heard this one, but it was a couple of decades ago.

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your third armpit.
 

BenPanced

THE BLUEBERRY QUEEN OF HADES (he/him)
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"Mind if I smoke?"

"Don't care if you burn."

00041aw2
 

backslashbaby

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OMG the pink ones with coconut, definitely.

The comment kind? I think I'm pretty organic there. For me it's the tone of voice and the left eyebrow. It works in any language, too ;)
 

poetinahat

say it loud
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"I'm sure you did your best."
 

Perks

delicate #!&@*#! flower
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I once told a guy that I liked his shirt. (He was with some of my friends and was incredibly obnoxious, but I was still trying to be nice.)

He smirked and said, "No, you like what's in the shirt."

In probably my proudest comeback moment yet, I said, "Oh. In that case, I hate your pants."
 

Ari Meermans

MacAllister's Official Minion & Greeter
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I once told a guy that I liked his shirt. (He was with some of my friends and was incredibly obnoxious, but I was still trying to be nice.)

He smirked and said, "No, you like what's in the shirt."

In probably my proudest comeback moment yet, I said, "Oh. In that case, I hate your pants."

:ROFL:
 
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Similar to Perks in #1, but this only works with women: "I wouldn't piss on your face if your moustache was on fire."

"What are you gonna do for a face when the gorilla wants his arse back?"

"If I had a face like yours I'd teach my arse to speak."
 

shyne

At your service
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Sounds like something your mom would say. She's just bitter...tell her to get over it already.
 

Wayne K

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Is that your head or is your neck blowing bubbles?

Your Mama had to hang a porkchop around your neck to get the dog to play with you
 

Wicked

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My standard rejection to men who think speaking to me in the most crude and obnoxious way possible makes them look alpha.

"Were you born a jackass, or did you have to practice?"
 

Devil Ledbetter

Come on you stranger, you legend,
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He'd screw a rock pile if he thought there was a snake under it.

The only thing holding her to that bar stool is the suction from her nasty ass.

Their collective IQ is room temperature.
 

NeuroFizz

The grad students did it
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My favorite:

I apologize to every person I've ever called an asshole...who isn't.


One that may be of use for the ladies:

**Man flashes his junk** "What do you think of that, ladies?"

Woman: "Looks like a penis...only smaller."
 

AutumnWrite

Old enough to know better
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Hard to believe you beat 1 million other sperm.
 

sailor

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I screwed a chicken once, you could be my kid.

You must have gone to university. No-one could be born that stupid you had to have been taught.
 

kayleamay

I'm on the phone.
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Hmmm....lemmesee

I once said to burly-man co-worker who nearly got me killed by allowing half of a ceiling to fall down on me, "G*&D D%$@it, you F@#!tard! Would you watch what the f*#k you're doing?". Then I threw a power drill at him. Hard.

He responded with, "Jeeezus, has anyone ever mistaken you for a man?"

Still pissed, I looked at him and said, "No. Has anyone ever mistaken you for a man?"

I didn't think it was much of a zinger at the time, but the rest of my male co-workers thought it hysterical. They called him Princess after that.

As for others I've heard, I've always liked : "I wouldn't sleep with you if the world was flooded with piss and you lived in a tree."
 

shakeysix

blue eyed floozy
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I have to credit this one to my cousin Jimmy a taciturn redneck fromEllinwood, Kansas. Jimmy walks into the local motorcycle shop:

Mechanic: "Hey, Jim. You just missed your brother-in-law."
Jimmy: "Which one?" (He has four current brothers -in-law and two ex-brothers-in-law)
Mechanic: "The asshole."
Jimmy: "You're gonna have to be more specific than that."
 

Devil Ledbetter

Come on you stranger, you legend,
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He responded with, "Jeeezus, has anyone ever mistaken you for a man?"

Still pissed, I looked at him and said, "No. Has anyone ever mistaken you for a man?"
Ha! Reminds me of the time Mr. Ledbetter and I were watching a movie and the hero had nicely muscled arms.

Mr. Ledbetter: I could have arms like that.

Me: And yet you don't.