What does it mean 'to cheat'? *Adult themes*

To me, flirting and snogging are cheating, not to mention anything involving removal of clothing.

Priene said:

To me, flirting and snogging are cheating, not to mention anything involving removal of clothing.

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That's the last time I take off my hat when you come in teh room...

Yeah, everyone's going to be different. Some people consider emotional attachment without anything physical a kid of cheating (Emotional cheating). Some people say it's only cheating when you make the beast with two backs. I've heard a few guys who reckon oral isn't cheating because they didn't have full sex.

I would say it depends on the relationship of the couples and their views.

While one person may not be cheating, the cheating partner usually likes to believe their partner is cheating on them, to justify their own actions. More often than not working late really is working late...

Priene said:

To me, flirting and snogging are cheating, not to mention anything involving removal of clothing.

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Ditto.

Also...I think if you find yourself wanting to tell someone else everything first or wanting to share your heart with someone else or being able to tell someone else something you feel you can't tell your husband...that's cheating.

I don't mean stuff like, telling my best girlfriend about my husband's annoying habits or the fight we had last night or all about the fun we had in bed this morning.

I mean, you start to feel more comfortable, closer, to someone who is not your husband.

Cheating is anything you keep secret from your partner, knowing the reality of it would upset them because whatever activity we're talking about hasn't been discussed and consented to.

scarletpeaches said:

Cheating is anything you keep secret from your partner, knowing the reality of it would upset them because whatever activity we're talking about hasn't been discussed and consented to.

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Ah, yes. As always, put into better words than my own.

Because lying is cheating.

Lying by omission is cheating.

If you feel guilty about something in regards to your spouse, most likely, you're cheating in some way.

IMO, cheating is when you keep intentionally keep secrets or lie or omit truth, or whatever, from your SO in terms of honesty, trust and respect in a relationship.

In short, for me, it's disrespecting your partner in any and every way possible.

You probably already got your answer, but just throwing my two cents in:

To me, cheating is anything physical that isn't widely accepted as a platonic thing. So like, a hug and kiss on the cheek is as physical as I think you can get without bordering on cheating or full-out crossing that line completely.

I'm a big believer in emotional cheating too. I think if you're expressing feelings of love (verbally) to someone else, whether you mean them or not, then that's cheating as well.

This is a relatively new phenomena, but Sexting probably equals cheating for most people as well. Though this could be a point of contention for many.

Archie1989 said:

This is a relatively new phenomena, but Sexting probably equals cheating for most people as well. Though this could be a point of contention for many.

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You think people sext with someone outside their relationship and can possibly think that isn't cheating?

Alpha Echo said:

You think people sext with someone outside their relationship and can possibly think that isn't cheating?

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I'm sure many can convince themselves it's not. Viz, 'It just happened'; 'It didn't mean anything', etc.

Yeah, exactly. I'm thinking more along the lines of "well, I didn't touch him/her" or "I barely even know him/her, it's essentially the same as watching porn."

That said, I know girls who get INCREDIBLY upset when their significant other watches porn. They think it's borderline cheating. So yeah, I think that 'cheating' has different meanings to different people. So, say KellyAssauer's Character A is the wife who thinks her husband is cheating because he takes care to keep his phone away from her and Character B is the husband who's sexting someone that he doesn't really know. The wife could consider this cheating and he might be like, "meh, it's not like she's a real person, and I'm not really doing anything.

Basically, with the influx of new technology, there's new ways to interract with other people, and therefore new boundary lines that people need to draw for themselves (and for those who they're in a relationship with) about what does and does not cross the line.

Archie1989 said:

That said, I know girls who get INCREDIBLY upset when their significant other watches porn. They think it's borderline cheating. .

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I don't think it's anywhere near cheating. My husband told me that when he watches it for a morning release or whatever, he's not imagining him as any of the players in the video. He's not thinking how hot the girl is. He's thinking,

Sex. I like sex. Sex is good. Ahhhh...now I can start my day.

He doesn't wonder what that woman would be like or wish she was the one in his bed at night. It's just...an image that, in its entirety, turns him on enough to get the release that I cannot get up early enough to give him because he gets up way too damn early.

Did you mean this?

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this. (abstract w/ link to full pdf text)

this - abstract w/ link to full pdf text.

or this? ( abstract w/ link to full pdf text)

I'm not saying I agree. I don't think watching porn is cheating at all. I'm just saying that SOME people would consider it to be, to demonstrate how much opinion varies about what is and is not cheating.

And @SWest, I'm kind of scared to click on any of those links, lol.

Archie1989 said:

I'm not saying I agree. I don't think watching porn is cheating at all. I'm just saying that SOME people would consider it to be, to demonstrate how much opinion varies about what is and is not cheating.

And @SWest, I'm kind of scared to click on any of those links, lol.

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It depends on the porn though, too. If the porn ever started to take my place...we'd have some issues. If my husband's sex drive with me decreased because he'd rather be watching porn and jerkin' off...issues.

Yeah, that's another sort-of-arbitrary line. Like, at what point does it become too frequent, or too much? And even if it does become "too much," would you consider that cheating really? I mean, I wouldn't, and you might or might not, but I know a few girls whose hands would be up in the air going "yepp, me, me right here, I think that's definitely cheating."

Very true. I don't think there's a "too much." It's if, which gosh this would never happen, but if my husband began to prefer that porn over me. Or not need me because he had his porn that morning.

Our problem right now is his pulled shoulder muscle...but I won't go there. *sigh*

scarletpeaches said:

Cheating is anything you keep secret from your partner, knowing the reality of it would upset them because whatever activity we're talking about hasn't been discussed and consented to.

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Snitchcat said:

IMO, cheating is when you keep intentionally keep secrets or lie or omit truth, or whatever, from your SO in terms of honesty, trust and respect in a relationship.

In short, for me, it's disrespecting your partner in any and every way possible.

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All of this and all of that.

To me, cheating is whatever a couple/group have agreed is cheating.

In a monogamous trad couple you might have a couple where overt flirting with no intentions of going further is considered cheating. Or another where cybersex is considered okay. I've heard some people consider masturbating to porn a kind of cheating, and others who claim fantasising about other people is "borderline".

You might have a couple where one has an extreme kink that the other is unwilling or unable to fulfill, so their so is allowed to satisfy that kink outside the relationship, but anything else counts as cheating.

Me and the mister were sort-of open early on in our relationship. He's straight, I'm not, so I was allowed to satisfy my need for ladysex with others, although there was the understanding that I would see if the woman in question was open to a threesome with him as well, first. We never discussed whether or not he would have been okay with me seeing other guys as well or not, so I decided not to cross that line.

Poly couples could have all sorts of carefully negotiated options, which is always a fun avenue to explore. Is it okay to have full on relationships with others, or is your partner only allowed to have casual sex? Do you have a relationship only with one other person who also lives with you and anyone else is cheating, or does your partner prefer to not ever meet your other lover?

There's also non-sexual cheating. A couple might have a thing they always do together and only ever with each other, such as a quiet picnic spot in nearby woodland that has emotional significance for them - first date, proposal, first time they had sex, etc. I can imagine if I had an intimate location like that with the mister and I found out he took a female friend there, even if nothing sexual happened, it could feel like a violation of that intimacy.

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Edit, I never said what *I* consider cheating.

Me and the mister are no longer in an open relationship. We're both perfectly allowed to feel attraction to, fantasise about and even flirt with other people so long as the flirtees know the situation. If we are attracted to someone else we talk about it with each other, discuss the fantasies and it becomes another aspect of our mutual intimacy ("Ooh I saw this hot woman today and I just wanted to XXX..."). I would consider it cheating if he - without discussing it with me first - went out and had sex with someone else, and visa versa.

We actually stopped being in an openish relationship after we realised that my mister is just too much of a romantic. He can't separate sex and love, and he falls in love with anyone he is intimate with, even if that only goes as far as a single kiss. I'm fine with him having sex with other people, but that made me feel uncomfortable, maybe because he's the only person I've ever actually been in love with.

To me, cheating is any type of sexual contact with another person (which, in my mind, includes cyber and sexting--note that I didn't say *physical* contact) without the knowledge and permission of one's significant other.

Different people do have different definitions, though. My ex claims to this day that I "screwed around" on him because I had a close male friend during the last year and a half of the marriage. He knows that nothing sexual--not even a kiss--occurred between my friend and me; he still believes my friend was gay (though he wasn't). But my ex calls it cheating because I spent time with my friend. Just spent time with him. I asked my ex once if he would have called it cheating if my friend had been female. He said no, with a qualification I won't repeat because it still ticks me off. On the other hand, the one time during the marriage that I had a female friend, he did everything in his power to sabotage the friendship until I gave up. Basically, in his mind, apparently any friendship with anyone was cheating.

I think it's doing anything with a third party which your partner expects you to do only with them.

That said, there are some partners who have really unreasonable expectations. I've known women whose partners got upset about things like them having a joke with a male colleague.

At that point, I guess porn is cheating if your partner expects you to only have sex with them, and not cheating if they expect to be the only person you have sex with.

I'm not sure about the whole secrets thing. If someone tried to chat me up at work, I wouldn't go home and tell my husband about it - and I wouldn't expect him to tell me if it happened to him, either. I don't need to spend my time providing evidence that I'm not cheating.

re: the porn thing. I don't think it's cheating. However, as scarletpeaches points out, cheating is anything you keep from your partner because you know they'd be hurt by it. So, imo, in a relationship where porn has been discussed and one partner has expressed discomfort/unhappiness with it...I can see why that might be interpreted as cheating.

Of course, so often these things aren't actually discussed because people seem to be afraid to talk to one another about their limits, and what they're comfortable with sexually, so...*shrug*...the definition is pretty broad.

Personally, I have no problem with Mr Crunchy thinking other women are attractive, as long as that doesn't extend into 'I'd like to shag her'. Anything beyond that is a no-no. The same is expected of me, which is fine.