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bettielee
10-25-2011, 01:45 AM
Some uplifting entertainment?

I could use it.

I just voted in a toilet paper poll and I realize what my life has come to....

http://i596.photobucket.com/albums/tt45/windstarmolly/RO02/RO03/Butterfly-butterflies-12474147-240-320.gif

mirandashell
10-25-2011, 01:49 AM
How about a joke?


What's the difference between a duck?

One of its legs is both the same.

Maryn
10-25-2011, 02:16 AM
An HR manager has to make a decision. Two people, Trish and Jack, are up for the same job in the company reorganization, and he doesn’t know who to keep.

So he decides to talk to each of them. He calls Trish into his office and says, "Trish, I have a problem. I'm going to either have to lay you or Jack off."

Trish says, "I'm sorry, I have a headache, you'll have to jack off."

Maryn, who did not create this, just fixed its appalling punctuation

bettielee
10-25-2011, 02:23 AM
The only really great joke I know has an auditory component and I don't think it would work here.

Please carry on.

Mr Flibble
10-25-2011, 02:24 AM
I could tell you a sheep joke...

bettielee
10-25-2011, 02:36 AM
But would that end well for anyone?

Cliff Face
10-25-2011, 02:47 AM
How about the voyeur sheep that are hiding behind the bushes watching?

bettielee
10-25-2011, 02:47 AM
that just creeps me out...

Cliff Face
10-25-2011, 02:51 AM
How do you think I feel about the fact that my mind came up with that sentence?

*washes brain with Lysol and sulphuric acid*

bettielee
10-25-2011, 02:52 AM
*reports voyeur sheep to the authorities*

Cliff Face
10-25-2011, 02:54 AM
Do you think PETA would be interested to know those voyeur sheep are wearing leather trenchcoats?

bettielee
10-25-2011, 02:55 AM
*reports sheep to PETA*

GailD
10-25-2011, 02:56 AM
I could tell you a sheep joke...

Yes, please! I've come across your humour before. I liked it.

Cliff, as an Australian, I'm sure you've got tons of sheep jokes. Like: Australia! Where men are men and the sheep are terrified.

:D Uh...ignore me. Carry on.

Cliff Face
10-25-2011, 02:57 AM
Right, it looks like we've got this issue all sorted out.

Next item on the agenda: Global warming!

Cliff Face
10-25-2011, 02:58 AM
Yes, please! I've come across your humour before. I liked it.

Cliff, as an Australian, I'm sure you've got tons of sheep jokes. Like: Australia! Where men are men and the sheep are terrified.

:D Uh...ignore me. Carry on.

As a general rule, all Australian jokes about sheep happen to be at the expense of New Zealand.

So, short of starting a Pacific World War, I better not tell any.

(Also, I'm terrible at remembering jokes... Awful at it. Bad memory.)

GailD
10-25-2011, 03:03 AM
Since New Zealand is set to win the rugby world cup (We was robbed!!!) I'd say go ahead and dredge up any jokes about them. I won't mind. :D

bettielee
10-25-2011, 03:05 AM
*reports Cliff to New Zealand*

Fenika
10-25-2011, 03:06 AM
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?


Two.

But I have no idea how they got in there.


(if Bos shows up with an accurate emoticon for that, my life will be complete)

bettielee
10-25-2011, 03:08 AM
Are those mice union?! Are they wearing gloves?!

*reports Fen to Mickey Mouse*

GailD
10-25-2011, 03:12 AM
A supermodel steps out onto the sidewalk outside a swanky LA restaurant. A beggar, holds out his hand and says, "Please ma'am... I haven't eaten for three days!"

The supermodel looks him over, shakes her head and whispers in his ear, "Force yourself, darling. Force yourself."

Fenika
10-25-2011, 03:45 AM
Those mice are definitely sans gloves. If they have a union, it's not getting involved in any screwing.

Cliff Face
10-25-2011, 03:47 AM
How do you make a Satanist angry?

Tell him that because he believes in Satan he must be a Christian. ;)

Ambrosia
10-25-2011, 03:53 AM
Check your email.

Kateness
10-25-2011, 03:56 AM
*soaks up the happyz*

Jersey Chick
10-25-2011, 03:56 AM
Two guys walk into a bar.

Funny, you'd think the second guy would've seen it.


**ducks**

Ol' Fashioned Girl
10-25-2011, 04:19 AM
The camel joke is the funniest one I EVAH heard... but I can't tell it in mixed company.

Silver King
10-25-2011, 04:49 AM
I was in a restaurant recently with a friend when a woman started choking. He jumped from his seat, pushed her to the floor, lifted her skirt and licked her ass.

The woman struggled for a moment, then coughed up the obstruction and lay there panting for some moments.

As my friend returned to our table, he met my gaze and said, "What? Haven't you ever heard of the Hind-lick Maneuver before?"

Fenika
10-25-2011, 05:39 AM
A vet reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out a thermometer.

"Damn it," he says. "Some asshole's got my pen."

bettielee
10-25-2011, 12:35 PM
Oh, you guys... you kill me. You really really kill me.

*goes and dies*

GailD
10-25-2011, 01:52 PM
Oh, you guys... you kill me. You really really kill me.

*goes and dies*


:Clap::Clap::Clap::Clap::Clap:

I gather ^ is supposed to remedy the situation?

regdog
10-25-2011, 03:12 PM
http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l117/regdog/20879r8.gif

bettielee
10-25-2011, 07:09 PM
Now that's the kind of entertainment this establishment needs.

bettielee
10-25-2011, 07:10 PM
:Clap::Clap::Clap::Clap::Clap:

I gather ^ is supposed to remedy the situation?

thank you for clapping me back to life, Gail! ;)

Kaiser-Kun
10-25-2011, 07:13 PM
Knock knock.

regdog
10-25-2011, 07:38 PM
Who is it?

bettielee
10-25-2011, 08:08 PM
banana?

Kaiser-Kun
10-25-2011, 08:16 PM
Kent.

bettielee
10-25-2011, 08:17 PM
kent who?

Kaiser-Kun
10-25-2011, 08:22 PM
Kent touch this.

*HAMMERTIME*

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l46re588Bw1qamgw7.gif

bettielee
10-25-2011, 08:49 PM
I was afraid that might happen.... *stops*

regdog
10-25-2011, 10:24 PM
Kent touch this.

*HAMMERTIME*

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l46re588Bw1qamgw7.gif



:Hail::Hail:

Jess Haines
10-25-2011, 11:52 PM
Here are two things you can do:

1) Go to http://www.freerice.com/ (http://www.freerice.com/#/english-vocabulary/1462) and play. Every answer you get right = 10 grains of rice donated to the World Food Programme to help end world hunger. It's also surprisingly fun and addicting.

2) You can check out my Friday Funnies (http://jesshaines.com/blog/category/rants-raves/friday-funnies/) blog posts for jokes. I had a few good ones in there. ;)

kayleamay
10-25-2011, 11:58 PM
I cut/pasted this one from my e-mail. Like most e-mailed jokes, I have no idea who to attribute it to, but...



A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."

A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.

"Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"

"Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."

Jehhillenberg
10-26-2011, 01:29 AM
http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l117/regdog/20879r8.gif

I love that. LMAO

Jehhillenberg
10-26-2011, 01:30 AM
A knock-knock joke thread anyone? (inspired from the way above convo) Haha

bettielee
10-26-2011, 02:42 AM
you guys are crasy.

I'm almost proud that I have begot this.

Continue, please.

Steve Coate
10-26-2011, 05:08 AM
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Fenika
10-26-2011, 05:10 AM
*snickers*