What you should do is contact your local health department. Even small towns have them, and they can refer you to free clinics for meds and counseling. It takes several weeks to get in the program, set up with a doctor and get some samples, so start tomorrow.
I did this myself for almost 5 years. I finally had had enough of zoloft, though, with its side effects and took myself off of it. The withdrawals were terrible, but I'm off.
And now, I'm basically ok.
The symptoms you are describing just cannot (in my opinion) be dealt with without medication. You already exercise and try to keep busy, and it doesn't help. You need medication.
I really don't want to blather on with useless anecdotes about how you create your state of mind, but unfortunately, you can control a little of it.
I found this out by marrying a negative person with some of the same symptoms you have. In fact, his father and brother are exactly like what you describe, maybe even worse. (His father is dead, but his brother continues to interfere, criticize everybody.) Anyway, by marrying someone more negative than I was, I started to see on a daily basis why people (other women, mostly,) distanced themselves from me. I was bringing them down.
I began to think about things before I said them, so I could evaluate how negative they might be. Even if you hate everything, or you don't, but your tone comes off like you do, it's sometimes better to put up a front around people.
If you start thinking about how you sound, you will be more pleasant to be around, and people will like you more.
Another thing that worked for me was to start volunteering at a state nursing home. There are people there, suffering with unimaginable diseases and like us, with horrible depression. Just visiting people who have
real troubles, makes me so much more upbeat about my life. You cannot look at a person who is dying of aids, who lost his ability to swallow or see, or walk or whatever, and tell him how angry you are for being cut off in traffic.
And, then, another thing happens when you start helping others, you get better karma for yourself, and things just get better overall. I believe that everything you give comes back ten fold. The past 1 1/2 years, after I started volunteering, I started to see things happening for me. No, I didn't hit the lottery or get a great job. But, daily things came easily. I was kept from making huge mistakes, almost by divine intervention. I was able to go off of meds completely.
I just cannot tell you enough how important this part of therapy is ......to start helping people more desperate than you are. Now, some people can't handle it, being so close to death and disease, but I thrive on it. There is no limit to what I will do with the residents I have met through volunteering.
(Of course, in over a year, I have lost 20 good friends, but I am much better off for knowing them and I think I know they made my life better.)
So ............my advice to you......................starting tomorrow :
- Call your local mental health center and set up an appointment. Tell them it's an emergency that you see someone, but don't ever say you are considering suicide unless you really are. Otherwise, they have to lock you up, which might be good or bad, depending on your situation.
- Go in person to visit the closing nursing home near you. Ask to see the activity director, and she/he will set you up.
- Narrow problems down to things you can stand. If it has to do with an old guilt, forget it. You can't change the past. Give yourself a break from it. If you hate paying bills, or looking for a job, only do it on a certain day of the week, or for an hour each day. Give yourself a vacation from it the other times.
- Remember that this is all small stuff. None of it matters. Traffic doesn't matter. Not having a job doesn't matter. Your old boss, who is climbing the ladder of success, doesn't matter. Your old girlfriend, happily married now, doesn't matter. Bills do not matter. The only thing that matters is you, trying to find some happiness in everyday now.
And of couse, in the end, you are the only person who can change anything. Don't sit around, lonely and miserable, do something. There are people out there who are more lonely, and more miserable than you are. Go find them and make their day.