Dangling Participle?

Elijah Sydney · Sep 8, 2011

“His shirt rippled and flailed when a gust of wind pressed his back, pushing the mist so that it flowed past him like a river.”

Is this an example of a dangling participle? As in, is it unclear what is pushing the mist? It seems fine to me, but then, I wrote it, and I know what I’m saying. I’m a bit keen on the construction because it contrasts the sentences around it, but if it just looks plain bad, I’ll scrap it.

Elijah
Eagerly awaiting any opinion.

Maryn · Sep 8, 2011

I wouldn't say it dangles at all.

Breaking it down:

His shirt did stuff. Why? The wind, which did its own stuff.

The last noun before the pushing-the-mist part was the wind, so it's perfectly clear that's what's pushing the mist.

Maryn, no good at mist-pushing

Elijah Sydney · Sep 8, 2011

Thanks Maryn. You’ve reduced the problems in my manuscript by one, which is a good start. (Though, sadly, still a long way from the finish.)

Maryn · Sep 8, 2011

On to the next sentence! (I swear, when I was trying to teach myself to write leaner, that's how I had to approach it.)

Maryn, cute in her cheerleader outfit*

* Not

Dawnstorm · Sep 8, 2011

Maryn said:
The last noun before the pushing-the-mist part was the wind, so it's perfectly clear that's what's pushing the mist.

You missed "his back".

Chris P · Sep 8, 2011

Elijah Sydney said:
“His shirt rippled and flailed when a gust of wind pressed his back, pushing the mist so that it flowed past him like a river.”

Well . . . I knew what you meant but as written it means the shirt pushed the mist.

The first part is passive voice (not a sin, really) since his shirt is the recipient of the action of the wind, while the second part is active with the wind being the understood subject doing the action to the mist.

You communicated a vivid idea, and like I said I don't think passive voice is always a sin (although active voice should be considered before passive is used). If the surrounding sentences are constructed in the same way I think it can work very well.

Fallen · Sep 8, 2011

Pushing the mist so that it flowed past him like a [a stone in a] river, a gust of wind pressed his back. Shirt rippled, flailed; [all just hollow noise in the decaying greyness]...

I think it just depends what effect you're after. But breaking it down would give you the opportunity to utitlise more of the sounds, as well as the sights, as well as shift your clauses around to try and get round the three things you have going on.

You 'past him like a river, yet he's in the mist, so the image would be more like water rushing round something. Maybe?

FennelGiraffe · Sep 8, 2011

Chris P said:
Well . . . I knew what you meant but as written it means the shirt pushed the mist.

Yes, this.

Chris P said:
The first part is passive voice

No, it isn't. "His shirt was rippled and flailed by the wind" would be passive voice. As written however, it's perfectly ordinary active voice.

Chris P said:
I don't think passive voice is always a sin (although active voice should be considered before passive is used)

Agreed. Passive voice isn't a sin. Sometimes there are good reasons for using passive voice. It's only a problem when it's used unthinkingly and inappropriately.

backslashbaby · Sep 8, 2011

I read it where this part is like its own sentence (I don't recall the term for that):

A gust of wind pressed his back, pushing the mist so that it flowed past him like a river.

Does 'when' not work well enough to break things down this way?

Stacia Kane · Sep 8, 2011

Elijah Sydney said:
“His shirt rippled and flailed when a gust of wind pressed his back, pushing the mist so that it flowed past him like a river.”

"A gust of wind pressed his back, making his shirt ripple and flail and pushing the mist so it flowed past him like a river."

Elijah Sydney · Sep 8, 2011

Thanks everyone for your time and thoughts.

Chris P said:
Well . . . I knew what you meant but as written it means the shirt pushed the mist.

But doesn’t the participle apply to the closest noun? The wind is closer. Though technically, as Dawnstorm said, it’s his back. Can anyone actually quote a hard and fast rule on that?
Anyway, maybe I’ll just go for a safer construction. Something close to this:

Stacia Kane said:
"A gust of wind pressed his back, making his shirt ripple and flail and pushing the mist so it flowed past him like a river."

Though I’m going to post the whole scene in SYW, anyway, so I might leave it for now, just to see if it gets a reaction there (amid hundreds of my other badly constructed sentences).

Fallen said:
like a [a stone in a] river

I like where you took the simile. Can I borrow it? I’ll give it back when I’m finished, I promise.

blacbird · Sep 8, 2011

Chris P said:
Well . . . I knew what you meant but as written it means the shirt pushed the mist.

This. It isn't the worst dangler I've ever encountered, but there must be ten ways of expressing this idea better, with less tormented and purple syntax.

caw

Chris P · Sep 9, 2011

Elijah Sydney said:
But doesn’t the participle apply to the closest noun? The wind is closer. Though technically, as Dawnstorm said, it’s his back. Can anyone actually quote a hard and fast rule on that?

Not a hard and fast rule, but I would read the "when a gust of wind pressed his back" as an insertion describing when the shirt rippled, and the subject of the sentence (his shirt) is still doing the action after the comma. Now, had it said ". . . pressed his back, which pushed . . ." then it would be his back doing the action after the comma.

FennelGiraffe: Okay, maybe it's not as passive voice as it could be, but it's not as active voice as it could be either. Your rewording in passive voice is essentially how the sentence is written because his shirt is the passive recipient of what the wind is doing. A more active form would be "The wind rippled and flailed his shirt." I don't think the absence of "was" automatically makes it active voice (or at least not as active as it could be.)

Elijah Sydney · Sep 9, 2011

Okay, I surrender. The sentence has been officially withdrawn and reworded. If it’s drawing attention to itself, it’s not what I’m aiming for.

blacbird said:
there must be ten ways of expressing this idea better, with less tormented and purple syntax.

Purple syntax? Interesting – never thought about syntax itself being purple, but I get your point. Ouch.

Michael E. Walston · Sep 19, 2011

How about this:

A gust of wind pressed his back, making his shirt ripple and flail, pushing the mist so it flowed past him like a river.

I removed one word and inserted a comma, but it's still mostly the writer's words...

Dangling Participle?

Elijah Sydney

Delusional and loving it

Maryn

At Sea

Elijah Sydney

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Maryn

At Sea

Dawnstorm

punny user title, here

Chris P

Likes metaphors mixed, not stirred

Fallen

Stood at the coalface

FennelGiraffe

It's green they say

backslashbaby

*

Stacia Kane

Girl Detective

Elijah Sydney

Delusional and loving it

blacbird

Chris P

Likes metaphors mixed, not stirred

Elijah Sydney

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Michael E. Walston

Dangling Participle?

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At Sea

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At Sea

punny user title, here

Likes metaphors mixed, not stirred

Stood at the coalface

It's green they say

~~~~*~~~~

Girl Detective

Delusional and loving it

Likes metaphors mixed, not stirred

Delusional and loving it

*