"Experience" levels in couples -Adult themes-

KellyAssauer

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Let's say you have a couple that's been together for years, and for whatever reason... one of the two begins sharing more and more stories from their younger sexual experiences - a time long before this couple ever met.

It happens. It's often a two-way street. They're adults now. They communicate, are very comfortable with each other, and the past is the past...

...or is it?

If the suddenly more 'forthcoming' spouse begins describing previous "experiences" that could be seen as drifting from the social 'norm' and leaning toward the risque or fetish-like side of things... and then confesses that they are longing for the those bygone kinks...

How would you expect the plain-jane-past partner to react?

*and yes, I'm asking this with no assigned gender so it could be that the girl is far more experienced, or it could be the guy that is far more experienced*

I'd like to hear what you think would probably happen in this scenario... (so that I might write the unexpected. =)

many thanks.

-k
 

Orianna2000

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Depends on his/her personality. If they're open and willing to experiment, I'd say they might be intrigued. If they're really close-minded and happy with how things are, then they might get upset, nervous, jealous, uncomfortable, and perhaps even feel pressured to comply with his/her partner's wishes. It really depends on how you want your characters to react and where you want the story to go.
 

missesdash

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I think the usual response is feeling pressured to try new things. They might not be vocal about it, but maybe they'll go buy something that makes them seem more "risque" (sex toys, lingerie, whatever).

For a man I imagine it could result in some performance anxiety. So maybe he'd try a few "new" things, but could have problems getting it up because he's so stressed with this new standard.
 

Anaximander

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Depends on why they've had a more vanilla sex life. If they're not into that sort of thing, then it might get awkward - tension, the feeling of pressure to try things they're not comfortable with, worries about being able to live up to their partner's previous experiences, etc. If they've just never had the opportunity to try, then they're likely to be more open to new things and more enthusiastic about the whole thing.

I know couples who fall into either category - myself included; my current girlfriend was my first, whereas she'd had previous boyfriends.
 

Anne Lyle

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There's also the possibility of being consciously openminded and willing to give things a go, then finding out it's actually a turn-off and having to either continue anyway (and not enjoy sex as much any more) or make a stand and cause disappointment and frustration in the more adventurous partner.

Either way, it can be highly destructive to a relationship...
 

Chris P

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I agree it depends on each person. I could see the less-experienced partner being intimidated ("God, I must be boring as hell!") or excited ("Oh my! Now's my chance to try that thing I've only fantasized about!"). Or, a mixture of both.
 

waylander

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I could imagine the less-experienced partner feeling threatened; 'I'm not enough for them' kinda thing.
 
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It could also open Pandora's Box.

Real case: older man, bit of a pervert, snares innocent younger woman. Innocent younger woman has not much sexual experience, but the man tell her to share her wishes with him. She doesn't know, so he gives her some ideas. One of them is tying her up. She gets excited, realizes that she always liked to be bound/hindered in her movements. She goes on a quest, finds the BDSM scene and drags the old perv into the more organized 'scene' that's not to his liking because he only wants to spice up his sex life a bit, not prance about in leather and whips. While his dominance wanes, she's becoming desperate to live out her subservience, so he finally arranges a Domina for her to satisfy both her subservience and her bisexual needs...
All is still going well, but this could be a recipe for disaster...
 

frimble3

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Again,depending on the people and the relationship: Anger and suspicion. Why did you keep this from me all this time? Why are you bringing it up now? Was the whole 'loving relationship' a trap to trick me into going along with this? And what else are you lying about? Secret children? Secret marriage? Maybe you have a gambling addiction? A criminal history? If you were capable of hiding this, what else have you decided to keep me in the dark about?
Probably coming from the same place - feeling threatened and confused, but going directly to 'attack', and expanding from the sexual to every other target.
 
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leon66a

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I think it also depends on the degree to which the experiences are different from their current situation. Anal sex is less jarring than a fecal matter fetish. I would guess cultural norms would also come into play if it becomes a dominant/subservient type of change.
 

amyashley

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I can speak from experience: female with more partners, male with only one.

Male's reactions:
some suspicion of possibly more hidden secrets
VERY open to trying new things
some regret he didn't have more opportunity to experiment further himself
desire to have more partners, but not a REAL desire-two are happy together
becomes more open about his fantasies and new level of intimacy develops

I think there are many directions you could take it in a fictional piece that would be believable depending on what sort of relationship you wanted the two to have. Communication in the bedroom is sexier than sex actually is, to be honest. If two steady longtime partners have a rift at all, it really jars things. In the same respect, when communication opens, things get very hot.
 

justkay

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My two cents

As a woman...if the relationship has gone on for a long time and this is just coming up then I would be more concerned that he isn't happy with our current sex life. That the sexual relationship was not enough, that he needed more.

Whatever his kink - whether I could get into it or not - it would make me insecure. He's not happy 'just' making love to me, needs more than he's getting from me now.
 

KellyAssauer

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I needed to pop in and thank everyone for the comments so far!

I'm finding this particular scenario fascinating to think about and outline. (-many thanks to my chatty neighbor as well-).

I too first imagined the 'less-experienced' of the couple being threatened or somewhat intimidated, and perhaps slightly suspicious of this newly disclosed secret.

Then I wondered if there's still a perceived dichotomy between the genders when it comes to personal experience levels in sexual histories. The old "It's okay for the boy, but not at all for the girl" and how that might relate to these two, or how it might be presented that it really is okay, or perhaps not-so-okay for either depending on the how twisted the interests lie...

There's also the larger picture: Is this renewed interest just pleasure for pleasure's sake? (Or maybe pain for pleasure's sake? Ha-ha) or just Recreation? Just how important is the sexual side of a relationship to the long term?

What if one of the two never really put much value on this particular aspect to begin with?

Might their be a time when the less 'experienced' partner began to feel: elated at the aspects, or overwhelmed, turned-on, or off, disgusted, mortified, fascinated...

And where might anyone get that list of 'modern sexual morays' to know what 'normal experimentation' might be and what is just way too far?



-k
 

amyashley

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A lot of this depends on the couple and how firm the level of intimacy is between the two. I know many couples who THINK and SAY they have a strong relationship, but they really don't.

A couple that is very comfortable talking to one another about everything-fantasies, thoughts and feelings, memories and secrets, and this is simply one more level of the onion they are peeling away is unlikely to go through very much doubt or feelings of inadequacy. This would a be a strong, very intimate couple who has been together for a long time- several years. Probably a couple who has weathered major changes together such as having a child, experiencing some major loss or separation. This is a couple that has GROWN together through these things rather than grown apart.

Most couples are silent about their real desires, IMO, and will blurt out these secrets at random and be afraid and eager to see the other's response- regardless of time spent together.

To write this realistically, consider what sort of couple you are writing and I'd key responses accordingly.
 

Fruitbat

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A few thoughts, jmho- What would matter more than how much past experience is if they're matched in open-mindedness now.

Why a secret was kept and "what else don't I know" would come up. It could all range from not that big of a deal to shaking their foundation.

There might be a mix of feelings, including turn on at new facet to partner's sexuality.

Maybe there is more to it. Confessions often come in pieces.

Less experienced partner may feel sympathy, if secret-keeping is based on shame or fear of rejection.

Secret-keeping may ruin partner's willingness to engage, it may have become "an issue". Or might agree only out of fear that they may be left otherwise. Or, maybe they're not invited to participate.

Why did the partner decide to disclose now? Blunt honesty can mean you don't care anymore. Maybe the secret keeper has reached a common midlife need to be authentic. Or maybe it is likely to otherwise be revealed anyway, and that sets it all into motion.

Over time, couples can lose interest, or desire more or other. I believe most swinger club members are in the over 35 group, for example. You don't say the age but midlife can bring a new "go for it" attitude.

Partner's initial reaction may differ from their final reaction.

I think how conventional or religious each is and individual personality would carry more weight than male or female. Interesting, complicated situation. ;o)
 
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Karen Junker

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I have a friend who runs a Center for Sex Positive Culture in Seattle -- I bet you could find out from them what are average sexual mores. I've gone to a few of the classes they put on and been amazed at what I've heard. PM me if you want the website.
 

KellyAssauer

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As an aside, I did want to let anyone know (who may be interested) that there was a survey in 2010 conducted by the Indiana University Center for Sexual Health Promotion. The results may not cover any particular kink... but they do give a very interesting glimpse into what may be considered 'normal' experiences in modern America. The main website is below, but many reactions and secondary findings can be found with a search engine result for "2010 National Sex Study"

http://www.nationalsexstudy.indiana.edu/