PDA

View Full Version : I'm too emo and lazy for this.



Bartholomew
08-01-2011, 12:41 PM
Chop chop. One of you lot, get over here and write me a novel.

gothicangel
08-01-2011, 12:47 PM
Chop chop. One of you lot, get over here and write me a novel.

'I'm too emo.'

What does that even mean?

alleycat
08-01-2011, 12:48 PM
Maybe you should start small. Write a "tweet".

Do that for 2000 days and you've got yourself a book.

Bartholomew
08-01-2011, 12:49 PM
It means I'm probably bursting with deep emoticons.

And that I really, really want an ankle-length leather duster. With massive pockets. <3

Bartholomew
08-01-2011, 12:50 PM
Maybe you should start small. Write a "tweet".

Do that for 2000 days and you've got yourself a book.

I think I probably have a novel's worth of posts on this forum by now. That's kind of a cool thought.

Bartholomew
08-01-2011, 12:52 PM
Chapter One: Spam is Born
Thus begins my epic hectadecology, each book sitting comfortably at 200,000 words.

Bartholomew
08-01-2011, 12:53 PM
But seriously, you there--the one I'm talking to--yeah, you. Come write this for me. It's haaaard.

alleycat
08-01-2011, 01:02 PM
And that I really, really want an ankle-length leather duster. With massive pockets. <3

You're going in to the country music business?

Then you should be writing songs, not a novel.

Bartholomew
08-01-2011, 01:08 PM
Ooh, I'd totally write songs. Songs about cactus-squid and how they stalk the desert. Scary bastards.

alleycat
08-01-2011, 01:14 PM
Just change the cactus-squid to an imaginary woman when your pickup truck has broken down in the desert and you'll have the start of a song. Imagine the video . . . beautiful woman who turns out to be an angel at the end.

Bartholomew
08-01-2011, 01:15 PM
Well, the thread has been ignored for several minutes now, so it's obvious that the entire community hates me. No one ever wrote a novel for me, either. I'm disappointed in all of you, especially you, person I'm looking at.

/flounce

Bartholomew
08-01-2011, 01:17 PM
Nevermind. Alleycat saved you all from my flounce-wrath.


Just change the cactus-squid to an imaginary woman when your pickup truck has broken down in the desert and you'll have the start of a song. Imagine the video . . . beautiful woman who turns out to be an angel at the end.

I would never sacrifice my literary vision of cactus-squid for the sake of adding skin to the novel one of you lucky bastards is going to write for me.

Bartholomew
08-01-2011, 01:19 PM
Goodnight, gentle novel forum. Sleep well. I expect I'll kill you in the morning.

alleycat
08-01-2011, 01:20 PM
I think I see your problem. You have a "literary vision".

shaldna
08-01-2011, 01:40 PM
Oh Bart, what have I told you about drinking at 10am?

Broadswordbabe
08-01-2011, 02:47 PM
I'll write yours if you finish mine. It's being a right s*d. Other people's ideas are more fun.
You do have an idea, right?

crunchyblanket
08-01-2011, 02:51 PM
Cactus-squid? It's so cliche.

alleycat
08-01-2011, 02:59 PM
I think he means zombie cactus-squid.

folkchick
08-01-2011, 03:09 PM
I'll take you up on this. Let's see . . . for a title, how about . . . Runtleby Squid by Bartholomew Dickens.


Chapter One. I Am Borned.

Whether I shall turn out to be the desert squid cactus-killing hero of my own life, or whether that prickly station will be held by anybobbit else, these pages must show. To start off my life with the starting off of my life, I lay down that I be borned (as I told, and told you already) on a Friday, in a Chuck E. Cheese, at three o'clock. It was muttered and grumbled and hissed that the cock began to strike, and I began to screech, together at the same time, simultaneously.


I need a coffee break. Give me a few weeks.

crunchyblanket
08-01-2011, 03:13 PM
I think he means zombie cactus-squid.

Oh, well that makes all the difference. Carry on.

Phaeal
08-01-2011, 04:10 PM
I'll write you a novel for $50,000 down and half your royalties. Postage and handling free!

Broadswordbabe
08-01-2011, 04:11 PM
Sorry, I don't work with squid. Nothing personal.

crunchyblanket
08-01-2011, 04:34 PM
Sorry, I don't work with squid. Nothing personal.

Are you one of those Cephalopodists?

Becca_H
08-01-2011, 05:23 PM
I'll write you a novel for $50,000 down and half your royalties. Postage and handling free!

$50,000?!?!!!!!111one

I'd do it for $30,000. And a box of doughnuts.

Broadswordbabe
08-01-2011, 07:48 PM
Are you one of those Cephalopodists?

Nah, I couldn't cope with the coursework.

JimmyB27
08-01-2011, 08:40 PM
Here you go:

Once upon a time, there was a lovely little cactus-squid called 'Bart', and it lived happily ever after.
The End.

alleycat
08-01-2011, 08:42 PM
Here you go:

Once upon a time, there was a lovely little cactus-squid called 'Bart', and it lived happily ever after.
The End.

Needs a prologue.

Phaeal
08-01-2011, 09:04 PM
$50,000?!?!!!!!111one

I'd do it for $30,000. And a box of doughnuts.

Well, yes, but who do you think can write a hotter novel, Gaius Baltar or Bambi?

Fawn porn is illegal, btw.

Becca_H
08-01-2011, 10:28 PM
Well, yes, but who do you think can write a hotter novel, Gaius Baltar or Bambi?

Fawn porn is illegal, btw.

Indeed. But the hotness of 'Gaius Baltar' is somewhat impaired by his link to Battlestar Galactica, whereas Bambi is extremely cute and universally adored by all.

However, if you'd said James Callis instead...

At least pre-forties, anyway. I only have capacity for one forty-plus crush at age 23.

Bartholomew
08-01-2011, 10:55 PM
I'll take you up on this. Let's see . . . for a title, how about . . . Runtleby Squid by Bartholomew Dickens.


Chapter One. I Am Borned.

Whether I shall turn out to be the desert squid cactus-killing hero of my own life, or whether that prickly station will be held by anybobbit else, these pages must show. To start off my life with the starting off of my life, I lay down that I be borned (as I told, and told you already) on a Friday, in a Chuck E. Cheese, at three o'clock. It was muttered and grumbled and hissed that the cock began to strike, and I began to screech, together at the same time, simultaneously.

I need a coffee break. Give me a few weeks.

Excellent! It rings a bit familiar-like, but I think we can work with this. I expect the full ms. in two weeks. /whipcrack


I'll write you a novel for $50,000 down and half your royalties. Postage and handling free!


$50,000?!?!!!!!111one

I'd do it for $30,000. And a box of doughnuts.


Folkchick is working for free, guys. Find someone else.


Here you go:

Once upon a time, there was a lovely little cactus-squid called 'Bart', and it lived happily ever after.
The End.

Oh, excellent. You can write the sequal while Folkchick writes the first one. I like this arrangement.

But like Alleycat said...


Needs a prologue.

Becca_H
08-01-2011, 11:06 PM
Folkchick is working for free, guys. Find someone else.


I take offence to this; therefore, you still owe me the $30,000 in compensation.

...or at least the box of doughnuts.

JimmyB27
08-01-2011, 11:20 PM
Here you go:

Once upon a time, there was a lovely little cactus-squid called 'Bart', and it lived happily ever after.
The End.


Needs a prologue.
No-one's even spotted my plagiarism yet.

Bartholomew
08-01-2011, 11:23 PM
I take offence to this; therefore, you still owe me the $30,000 in compensation.

...or at least the box of doughnuts.

I can't afford either. I write for a living.


No-one's even spotted my plagiarism yet.

You're plagiarizing FolkChick, right?

MJNL
08-01-2011, 11:36 PM
I'm too emo and lazy for this.


Sounds like a personal problem... :Shrug:

But I've got a novel for sale if you want to slap your name on it. But then again, I'm guessing if one were too emo and lazy to write a novel, they'd be too emo and lazy to shop one around to pubbers and agents, am I right?

Bartholomew
08-02-2011, 12:13 AM
Sounds like a personal problem... :Shrug:

But I've got a novel for sale if you want to slap your name on it. But then again, I'm guessing if one were too emo and lazy to write a novel, they'd be too emo and lazy to shop one around to pubbers and agents, am I right?

Oh, hell no. I can shop stuff all day long. As long as I don't need to mail anything or connect to the internet or breathe.

If anyone needs me, I'll be over here being all deep and moody. With my dark glasses and long coat.

Because I'm a goddamn secret vampire hunter. Yeah.

L.J.
08-02-2011, 12:43 AM
I'll write yours if you finish mine. It's being a right s*d. Other people's ideas are more fun.
You do have an idea, right?

Dang. Is that where I'm going wrong?

Bartholomew
08-02-2011, 01:08 AM
Aww. Office Party? But the thread is about novels! :O

Becca_H
08-02-2011, 01:30 AM
Novels! Novels! Novels!

Power to the people!

Xelebes
08-02-2011, 02:49 AM
Runtleby Squid by Bartholomew Dickens.


Chapter One. I Am Borned.

Whether I shall turn out to be the desert squid cactus-killing hero of my own life, or whether that prickly station will be held by anybobbit else, these pages must show. To start off my life with the starting off of my life, I lay down that I be borned (as I told, and told you already) on a Friday, in a Chuck E. Cheese, at three o'clock. It was muttered and grumbled and hissed that the cock began to strike, and I began to screech, together at the same time, simultaneously.


The door opens. A persimmon-clewer appears. It uses a clewing attack. It is very effective.

Cliff Face
08-02-2011, 02:56 AM
"If you would like the desert squid creature to sing a showtune, press 1 on your e-reader. If you would like Batman to swoop in and cause a lawsuit, press 2."

Choose your own adventure, e-reader style. I could totally do that.

Bartholomew
08-02-2011, 03:01 AM
I pressed 12. Batman the snow-cactus will now rap for us.

maxmordon
08-02-2011, 03:01 AM
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS"

maxmordon
08-02-2011, 03:02 AM
Now that is a promising start!

rhymegirl
08-02-2011, 03:04 AM
Just dial 1-800-writemeanovel.

flea23
08-02-2011, 03:11 AM
It was a dark and stormy night.

EW.

Always say something unexpected. Thus: "Stormie came running through the night, clad only with the dark." or, "The night exploded little dark Stormie's everywhere." The latter would be a vampire story. The former would be maybe erotica.

"Never mind." Wait. Perfect. Start a novel with "Never mind." Now that would be a challenge. Or not.

JimmyB27
08-02-2011, 03:11 AM
Because I'm a goddamn secret vampire hunter. Yeah.
So you're actually a hot blonde school girl?

Bartholomew
08-02-2011, 04:23 AM
So you're actually a hot blonde school girl?

Only one way to find out.

Komnena
08-02-2011, 05:51 AM
The zombie squid stalked the sea bottom as it waited for the apocalypse to come which would free it from the ancient curse of the Sidhe and allow it to finally stalk the land it had been banished from for many thousands of years and kill all who carried even the faintest tint of Sidhe blood, those hated beings who had banished him to the remotest depths of the ocean.

Bartholomew
08-02-2011, 12:16 PM
Meh. Lovecraft.

I've decided: I belong in a romance. Someone, give me massive pectoral muscles, spit-shine me, and stick me on the cover.

Cliff Face
08-02-2011, 02:24 PM
Can I combine the idea of you being Buffy with the idea of you being in a romance?

Cos that, I'd write for free. :D

flea23
08-04-2011, 02:25 AM
In the buff, it was romantic. Kinda weird. Hope no one saw.