View Full Version : Beta wanted for Mirrorrpass, 80k YA SF

07-17-2011, 07:15 AM
When Aria accidentally falls through the Pass, a sphere of energy that transports all who enter to an unknown destination, she finds herself stranded on a planet called “Earth.” This is not the life-death limbo Aria expected to find inside the Pass. What about Earth has kept explorers from returning home? What happened to Aria’s twin brother, Zaire, who fell through the Pass eleven years ago?

Aria herself has no hope of getting home until she finds the telepathy crystal that she lost during her fall. Without it, the soul sickness she experiences can only grow worse—but someone else wants to use it, and her, the same way they used Zaire. Now rescuing him means bargaining her own crystal. And as Aria uncovers clues about a way home, she's not sure whether rescue is a choice she can make.

First chapter here (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=218667).

Hey everyone! Mirrorpass is in it's fourth draft, right now, and I'm looking for two or three betas to give me full-manuscript feedback on plot, character development, pacing, continuity, etc., before I begin polishing. Not looking for a line edit so much. :)
I'm looking for people both who like SF, or who aren't normally a fan; but I mostly want people who read YA and will be able to tell me what's overdone or not. Comments like "it was good" or "I don't like that" don't help so much. I'm looking for thorough feedback--what was good, what was bad, what you thought, if you were confused. My writing style is clean; I don't do "edgy," swearing, lewdness, etc.

Also, I really appreciate honest, open communication--if something comes up and you can't finish the crit, I'd rather know than have you drop off the face of the earth! And I'm sure you guys appreciate that too.

Although I can't offer to swap crits right now, I might have time in the future, and I'm always looking for long-term writing buddies.

So, if any of this is striking a chord, and you have a month or so with which to crit, please PM me or comment, and we'll work out details. Questions welcomed as well :)


07-30-2011, 03:39 AM

Still looking for betas! Thought I'd bump this once instead of reposting :)

08-01-2011, 09:26 PM
Hi Feathers,

just read your request here. I am myself looking for a couple, so it seems we won't be trading as you say you don't have time to beta others right now. Still, I figured I might as well give you my two cents on what I read. First, it seems this is fantasy, not sci fi. Also, read the beginning of your chapt and got the impression Aria is an angel instead of an alien (which I first thought based on your pitch).
I was confused.

I don't know if you found this helpful. I only know that I find it helpful any time someone posts even one little thing about my stuff.

Good luck!

08-03-2011, 06:26 AM
Hey Julia! Thanks for your comments; I'm the same way. Hearing other people's thoughts really helps.

I know why this looks a lot like fantasy, but that's more a failing with my summary more than anything else. The story is set entirely on Earth and everything from wings to the Pass is explained in scientific means. I considered making it fantasy, at one point, but realized it just doesn't read like fantasy. So maybe I should work on my query.

I would like to know, though, what gave you the angel impression? Because your first one of aliens was correct. What about the first chapter said "angel" to you? Other readers have commented that they want a clearer picture of the protag, but I'm having trouble figuring out which details will help them most.

Thanks again!

08-06-2011, 12:44 AM
The way the beginning paras is written makes me think of angels more than aliens. Like all the talk about wings and skies... I think you'll solve this problem by just making the protagonist clearer-looking. Adding a couple of sentences of description to what you already have would suffice, I think. You'd obviously have to bring up stuff that is as un-angellike as possible. Since I have no idea what your aliens look like it's hard to give examples. Maybe don't talk about the wings in the beginning (as this definitely made me think of angels) but leave it for later in the chapter when the reader is sure we're not talking about angels?

I found the query somewhat unfocused also. I know you're supposed to focus on conflict, but I, personally, would need a little more background to understand what's going on here. I have no idea where the story is set. In space? Another planet? Another dimension? And soul sickness? What's that?

Hope you find my thoughts helpful