On Being Bi-Polar

thebloodfiend

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Since I got a million wonderful answers on my previous thread about depression, I thought I'd ask another question.

Depression is the standard in books, at least from what I've read, so I have a general idea of what that's like and how I'd go about writing it. And from dealing with people who've had post-postpartum.

So, what is being bi-polar like. It's also manic depression, correct? Is it the general depression followed by manic states of extremes such as gambling, hyperness, etc... Or is that a Hollywood exaggeration?
 

Undercover

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It sucks! It's a struggle (at least for me) each and everyday, right down to the hour. If I keep busy, mentally (writing, reading) or physically (walking, cleaning the house)...or even trying to escape it, watching a movie, playing a game, it's still there, just dormant.

The manic episodes feels like a dream you can't wake up to, till they strap you down and inject you with something to calm down. Otherwise, you crash horribly. During it it can be euphoric, but not when it is a reality and you're acting out. It's like your thoughts become actions right before your very eyes.

The depression side for me is daily, negative thoughts...harmful thoughts (it's like an automatic mind set, you see a car crash on the side of the road and instantly envision yourself in that position, or a knife flickers in your face while you're doing the dishes and have this sick urge to slice your skin open...those thoughts are very repressed, but they're always there)

But that's just me. I also worry a lot and have deep bouts of anxiety. Goes with the territory I guess.

But I will say, I've been out of the hospital for almost 2 years now (will be in October) and I am very stable with my meds, but that feeling of dread and feeling of something missing you is always there.

Oh, one more thing, I have a horrible memory too, I once spent a year and a half in deep depression to the point I don't remember much that time of my life. Hardly ever getting out of bed, to the point it is hard to function. That was when I was on different meds that weren't working for me at the time, obviously.
 
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Orianna2000

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The depression side for me is daily, negative thoughts...harmful thoughts (it's like an automatic mind set, you see a car crash on the side of the road and instantly envision yourself in that position
Is that a side effect of depression? I've struggled with this for years, but I never understood the cause! Something will trigger a "daydream" of sorts, only it's extremely graphic and morbid, and it feels real. Like my husband will lean back in his chair and all of a sudden I'm imagining, "What if he loses his balance and falls through the window? What if he lands on the broken shards of glass and it kills him?" I actually see it happening in my head, the glass and the blood . . . and then I blink and realize that my heart is pounding, my hands are shaking, my throat is closed off, and I'm reacting as if it had actually happened . . . only none of it was real.

So, what is being bi-polar like. It's also manic depression, correct? Is it the general depression followed by manic states of extremes such as gambling, hyperness, etc... Or is that a Hollywood exaggeration?
Bipolar disorder used to be called manic-depression, yes. I can't speak for all cases, as everyone's experience is unique. I have cyclothymia, which is a version of bipolar where my manic phases are relatively mild, but my depressive phases are swift and severe.

Keep in mind that it's not "all or nothing" . . . you're not always either manic or depressed, there are normal times, too.

When I'm not medicated, I cycle frequently. From what I've read, at least, the average person with bipolar cycles into a manic or depressive phase maybe two or three times a year, but I tend to cycle on a daily basis. I can go from feeling great to being in the bitter depths of despair in a matter of minutes, with no warning. And then the next morning, I'll be fine again.

If you'd like personal details about my manic and depressive phases, I'd be happy to PM you.
 

PinkAmy

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Manic Depression was renamed Bipolar disorder when the DSM IV came out. Bipolar disorder often presents itself in late adolescence, although there are children diagnosed with it and sometimes older folks have their first episode later in life.
A lot of clinicians believe that Bipolar has become a "popular" diagnosis and that there has been overdiagnosis, particularly with bipolar 2 because only one manic episode is needed for the diagnosis.
Bipolar I is the most debilitating because the episodes of mania and depression are less severe.

Bipolar II is less severe

Cyclothymic disorder Is even less severe.

Mixed Bipolar is when the mania and depression occur concurrently.

Rapid-cycling bipolar disorder is when there are more than 3 episodes a year

In general- patients are at more risk during manic episodes, because everything seems like the BEST idea in the world. There is often increased libido which can lead to promiscuity or the desire to masturbate in inappropriate situations. If the manic episodes are quite severe, individuals can kill themselves unintentionally, by engaging in risk taking activity they would NEVER do when they weren't manic. This is also often the time when folks go off their meds.

Different medications work with the different types of disorders and a person's unique biochemical make-up. People with bipolar disorder are in danger of non-compliance with medication, due to the side effects of some of the meds and because once people start feeling better, they think they don't need the meds any more. Sometimes meds stop working or need to be adjusted.
Certain antidepressants can cause manic episodes, so a proper diagnosis is important, as well as continued follow-up with a psychiatrist. This isn't the type of disorder that GPs medicate well because of the complicated cocktail most patients need.
 

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I have schizoaffective disorder, a mix of schizophrenia and bi-polar. If you'd like to talk to me please PM me.
 

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My bipolar 2 has been pretty well controlled with meds for the last couple of years. It took several years and tons of different nasty drugs to find the right combination that stabilized me without making me feel like a zombie.

The zombie effect is another reason many bipolars go off meds. It's no fun to feel as if nothing can reach you, and that you've lost a huge chunk of your intellect. The loss of creativity is another factor that leads to a lot of non compliance. You simply float through life, content to do absolutely nothing, with no great passion for anything. I'm unbelievably fortunate to have found a med combination that allows me to feel almost like myself, just not quite so volatile.

For me, acting out in a manic phase, it's as if someone else is doing it. I know it's wrong, but I have no ability to stop it either. Depression is an endless, hopeless void with no end in sight. I feel too much, too deeply, and have no ability to change it.
 

thebloodfiend

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Kendra, that last line sounded poetic. And everyone, thank you for giving me info. My psych class is completely useless for this kind of stuff.
 

KellyAssauer

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So, what is being bi-polar like. It's also manic depression, correct? Is it the general depression followed by manic states of extremes such as gambling, hyperness...

Extremes such as gambling? That doesn't quite cut it, it's extreme yes, but more like behavior harmful to one's sense of worth. There's more than one way to ruin one's self, I could make a list...

Try:

Marya Hornbacher: Madness: A Bipolar Life
David J. Miklowitz: The Bi-polar Survival Guide
Janine Crowley: Living In a Bipolar World
Terri Cheney: The Dark Side of Innocence
Wendy K. Williamson: I'm Not Crazy Just Bipolar

Or you could wait for my book...
But that might take a short while =)

-kelly
 

Shady Lane

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mania is like...okay, for me...

you literally feel as if you're thinking too fast, and it's debilitating and scary, because you have a thousand thoughts and emotions trying to get out of your brain and out of your mouth every minute, and there's a very weird disconnect because by the time you're saying things you're not thinking them anymore. so you start to wonder if you're ever telling the truth and if you have any idea what you're really thinking and what emotions are real or not. and there's definitely, for me, a feeling of "let's just see what happens," because everything is going so quickly that it's difficult to believe that any of it will have any lasting value. so why not make that purchase/push that button/piss that person off? what's the worst that's going to happen? it's going to be gone in a second.

honestly, i think bipolar people are supposed to love mania? i HATE it. i'd rather be depressed all the time, though depressed hannah would spit in my face if she heard that. because that sucks all in its own right. it's...soul sucking, life-draining, i literally cannot get out of bed to feed my cats and now i'm crying and apologizing to my cats that i can't get out of bed to feed them depression.
 

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All of the above and some of the above. Not all of the time, though. I'm Type I and on lithium. I miss the mania, not the manic rages but the manic highs where I feel invincible and my mind is always alert and I am full of energy. I didn't experience a lot of depression but yes, when it came, I crashed hard. Lithium has a lot of side effects. Although i am now reconciled to a more subdued me, I wish I could be off medication. I do not like the tremors in my hands every now and then. And the weakness in my legs. Zits on my usually flawless skin (not alot but still), weight gain, memory lapses, hair loss, etc...arrrggghhhh!!!
 

KellyAssauer

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There's the one that makes you dizzy, the acne one, the weight gain one, the one where you walk around in a daze all day, the sleep all the time one....and the one that works? Ha! That one your body builds up a tolerance for and you end up having to take some awful other one hoping someday you can come back...

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KTC

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I feel that it is a benefit in my life. Of course, when I was a teenager, I did not see things that way. I was running amuck for years...really off the dime. But I have come to control it...and harnass it for the good. I would not trade it away now. I found that in the beginning I did a lot of feeling sorry for myself and lashing out. But one can live in harmony with it. In the bad times, I just try to remember that this too shall pass. In the high times, I just try to remember that this too shall pass. And sometimes I see it as a superhero strength. I'm on committees and boards and I volunteer for many many things...I put the extra energy I have into some amazing projects...and I slink back into the shadows when I need to. You can live a normal life.
 

Shady Lane

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I've been on the sleep all day one for a year and so far it's still treating me okay. Fingers so crossed.
 

Mr Flibble

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There's the one that makes you dizzy, the acne one, the weight gain one, the one where you walk around in a daze all day, the sleep all the time one....and the one that works? Ha! That one your body builds up a tolerance for and you end up having to take some awful other one hoping someday you can come back...

You forgot the ones that make you a drooling zombie, the ones that mean you can't speak properly and the ones that make you suicidal when you weren't before you started taking them...

I'm a happy manic, mostly. It's all 'Let's move to Bulgaria/Norway/Morocco/Belize, it'll be fun! What's the matter with you, come on!' and talking waaay too fast, and writing just kind of falls out of me and, let's face it, the obvious reason my husband puts up with those phases :D

Let's not talk about the depressives. I've just come out of a really nasty one and I don't want to remember it...
 

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...and, let's face it, the obvious reason my husband puts up with those phases :D

No, we're not going to mention that...
or those 'pre-husband' conquest phases...

At least I'm not going to.

:D
.
 

Mutive

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Try:

Marya Hornbacher: Madness: A Bipolar Life
David J. Miklowitz: The Bi-polar Survival Guide
Janine Crowley: Living In a Bipolar World
Terri Cheney: The Dark Side of Innocence
Wendy K. Williamson: I'm Not Crazy Just Bipolar

I would also strongly, strongly, strongly recommend reading Kay Redfield Jamison. She's one of the premier researchers into bipolar disorder, and suffers from it herself. Her autobiography "An Unquiet Mind" is amazing.
 

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I suffer from bipolar disorder myself, and I also work in the mental health field, I can offer both a clinical and personal perspective.

One thing I probably should point out is that most medical profession don't call it manic-depression anymore. Manic-depression is used to describe bipolar 1, but the term was changed because suffers of true mania only account for a small percentage of the spectrum. Other disorders on the spectrum include bipolar 2, where people go into a state call 'hypomania' and more profound depression. Actual mania and psychotic symptoms are rare.

Personally, I can tell that no matter where you are on the spectrum, it can is incredibly diffcult. You find yourself constantly picking up the piecea from one mood swing or another, work that was left undone work the weeks you were in a depressive state, and then apologizing for everything you did while you were manic.

Most bipolars don't like being on their meds because they are too in love with the mania. And while I always end up doing something I regret, I love the mania at the time. You feel energized and can write for hours on end and function on three hours of sleep.

And while this can sound like a writer's dream, and you would be shocked at the high demographic among writers, the burst of creativity really isn't a fair trade of for everything else that comes with the mania.

But a lot of bipolars don't take their mebs because makes they're heads feel like it's wrapped in a wet blanket. I don't take any of the stronger drugs, but I've heard all about these side effects from clients.
 

C.M. Daniels

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They've got me on a new med that pretty much leaves me a drooling heap. I love the mania. However, it was getting to the point that the depression was going to kill me. I'm trying to stick out the meds. I was on one that worked great for years, until it just stopped working.

I've described being medicated (this time around) as the lights being on, but someone else is home. It almost feels like I'm a completely different person than I was before. I just have to keep believing that things will work out for me in the end, even if it's seven lousy meds down the line.
 

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I have type 2, and I, like the other 2's I know, actually enjoy hypomania. I do some really great work when I'm manic. I'm a little agitated sometimes, but in general I'm really productive and feel really great haha. The real problem is that when you're high the inevitable result is to fall back into depression. And, well no one enjoys that. I was never suicidal. But I did have problems leaving my house. Sometimes I'd get out of the front door and all the way to the elevator and just break down and stay in bed for a few more days.

It's frustrating for me, because outside of BP2, I'm actually quite stoic. I can rationally talk myself out of responding in extreme ways. But when its mania or depression, there's no actual 'problem' as in, I can give myself a pep talk, or reason with why I should feel better. It's kind of like sinking.

I know that alcohol and drug use make it worse, so of course I dabble in both. I think in general it's something that makes me who I am, and I don't know if I feel like I need to be "cured" just that I need to be able to manage it well enough to maintain relationships (any kind of relationships)
 

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I've been off mine for a few years now. It's the circle of life or something~
 

KellyAssauer

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But I did have problems leaving my house. Sometimes I'd get out of the front door and all the way to the elevator and just break down and stay in bed for a few more days.

I still have recurrent issues with that.

It's frustrating for me, because outside of BP2, I'm actually quite stoic. I can rationally talk myself out of responding in extreme ways. But when its mania or depression, there's no actual 'problem' as in, I can give myself a pep talk, or reason with why I should feel better. It's kind of like sinking.

Lost two days this week to completely idiotic ocd-like mania.
-still- and I hate it. It's a different reality, and one I just hate.

I know that alcohol and drug use make it worse, so of course I dabble in both. I think in general it's something that makes me who I am, and I don't know if I feel like I need to be "cured" just that I need to be able to manage it well enough to maintain relationships (any kind of relationships)

Such a fine line between a little experimentation or occasional social drink, and the head-long dive into self-medicating. Best not to go there if you can - at least it wasn't a good thing for me. Maintaining a relationship is difficult enough without all this piled on! =) I wish more people understood.
 

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Since a lot of other people are offering to let you pm them, I'll extend the same offer. I personally suffer from bipolar 2, but I also work in a group home for the mentally ill. I can offer advice on the whole spectrum.
 

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Another BP2 here. Mine is not the fast-cycling kind. My (hypo)manic episodes can be years apart, and the depressive episodes can last for years (my hypomanic times have ranged from 3 months to a year, give or take).

I wouldn't say I prefer the depression side, exactly (who would?), but I'd rather be there than the manic phase, because every single one of my manic phases has ruined my life. Literally. While manic, I completely trash whatever life I'm living at the time. I leave partners, jobs, towns, even countries and a good marriage, completely and irrevocably. It's completely destructive and it has taken me years to understand it and to get the right treatment.

But, yes, the hypomania can feel amazing, like you're the most beautiful, sexy, most talented person who ever lived. Of course, it's all delusion, and in my case anyway, takes a great toll.

Fortunately, I seem to be stable with the new meds and some amazing psychotherapy. I'm very happily remarried and writing again!! But it has taken a long time to get here.
 

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Fortunately, I seem to be stable with the new meds

This. Good to hear you're stable too. I can write amazingly great stories when I'm manic, but they are sloppy and so deep it can be confusing to the reader. Having a stable mind is the best way to go, not only to balance your life, but your writing career too.

I would be devastated to crash again after I've worked so hard to get where I'm at now. It isn't safe (at least for me) to be off my meds. Been there, tried that just because the side effects were so prominent, but it's worse in the long run.