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TheTinCat
06-07-2011, 11:52 AM
Father's day is coming up, and mother's day is not long passed, and at this time of year we are all being presented with the message that we should be grateful and loving towards our parents on these days - and indeed in general.

This is a good message. I personally love my parents.

However, I would like to take a short second to acknowledge that not every parent is worthy of their child's love and respect. Not every mother and/or father should be rewarded with gratitude.

If you have such a parent, don't feel guilty about not feeling grateful and loving towards them, just because the calendar says you should.

That's all I wanted to say.

TheTinCat
06-07-2011, 11:54 AM
Hm. Didn't mean to post this in the Roundtable, don't know how that happened. Could someone move it to Office Party (or wherever it is most fitting)?

bearilou
06-07-2011, 05:24 PM
Hm. Didn't mean to post this in the Roundtable, don't know how that happened. Could someone move it to Office Party (or wherever it is most fitting)?

:)

Regardless of where you meant to put it, I'll still say thanks for saying it. I won't get long-winded about it but this is a swirl of emotional drama I'm dealing with right now. Just...thanks. :Hug2:

NeuroFizz
06-07-2011, 06:36 PM
A horrible parent-child relationship is not always the direct fault of the parent. We all know there are horrible parents who do horrible things to their children. But there are also well-meaning, loving parents who are treated horribly by their children. No grand proclamation is necessary here. We each have to assess our personal relationships with our parents and children and treat Mothers Day and Fathers Day appropriately.

In non-abusive, attentive families, the expectations of children are very age-dependent, particularly in this me, me, me society. Usually when these children become parents, they finally realize all of the things their parents did for them.

TheTinCat
06-08-2011, 12:34 PM
A horrible parent-child relationship is not always the direct fault of the parent.

Of course not. But sometimes it is. And even if it isn't, relationships are not simple, and my post was meant to recognize that not everyone has it in them to feel loving and grateful towards their parents - and that's okay, too.

It wasn't a grand proclamation. It was just a small acknowledgement for those who might need it.

I get the feeling you might feel I'm saying "If your parents didn't let you go out past curfew, it's okay to hate them". That's not what I meant. I am not trying to shame parents or say that all children are perfect angels.

But there are parents who are truly undeserving of love and gratitude, and the children of those parents should not be made to feel ashamed or lesser-than for not being able to forgive them.

I am glad that you feel you can evaluate and assess your own relationships without help, that is a great strength to have. Not everyone has that strength at all times, and sometimes a simple "it's okay", even from a stranger, can be a great help. That was the intention behind this post.

scarletpeaches
06-08-2011, 03:13 PM
I won't spoil this thread with my backstory, which most fellow AWers already know anyway, but I will say this:

My friends are my family, and I've made a lot of friends on this site.

TerraAnn
06-08-2011, 03:55 PM
Thank you for this thread.

While I am close with my mom, my dad isn't a part of my life. The last time we talked was Christmas day over a year ago. After finding out he'd moved with my half siblings and hadn't bothered to tell me his new phone number so I could reach him, I finally told him how I felt which I have never been able to do before. I asked why he'd never called or wrote for any holidays, birthdays, etc...as I'd grown and why the only times he'd ever visited were when my mom or I'd called and asked him to (and even then he rarely came. I've seen him maybe a handful of times my entire life). I told him it hurt so much because I love him and didn't feel like he loved me. Instead of telling me he was sorry and did love me and wanted to work on things, he told me to never call him again if I was going to be 'like this'. Then I hung up and bawled my eyes out and have honestly never felt so low in my entire life as I did that day. I know I'm better off without him considering how awful he treated my mom when they were together and how once he tried to kidnap me and take me to Puerto Rico, but it still hurts. So when father's day comes around...you can bet I don't feel like celebrating it. However, my gram and gramp are like second parents to me. When my mom was at work or in college, my gram and gramp watched me. My gramp has always been a great father figure and I celebrate him on father's day and only him.

Thanks again for this thread!

Undercover
06-08-2011, 04:07 PM
I think people (which I'm sure they do already) should also acknowledge "Fatherly" and "Motherly" people in their lives too. I have a few people I look up to like that too and I'd like to give recognition to them as well.

NeuroFizz
06-08-2011, 04:26 PM
Of course not. But sometimes it is. And even if it isn't, relationships are not simple, and my post was meant to recognize that not everyone has it in them to feel loving and grateful towards their parents - and that's okay, too.

It wasn't a grand proclamation. It was just a small acknowledgement for those who might need it.

I get the feeling you might feel I'm saying "If your parents didn't let you go out past curfew, it's okay to hate them". That's not what I meant. I am not trying to shame parents or say that all children are perfect angels.

But there are parents who are truly undeserving of love and gratitude, and the children of those parents should not be made to feel ashamed or lesser-than for not being able to forgive them.

I am glad that you feel you can evaluate and assess your own relationships without help, that is a great strength to have. Not everyone has that strength at all times, and sometimes a simple "it's okay", even from a stranger, can be a great help. That was the intention behind this post.
Nothing in my post disputes anything you have said here or in the original post. In particular, nothing in my post said it's not okay to feel like you do. The intent of the original post is appreciated. I (we) are sorry if these parental "days" are difficult for you and other AWers. They can also be difficult times for parents, like me. Right. Now. That's all I'm saying.

TerraAnn
06-08-2011, 04:38 PM
A horrible parent-child relationship is not always the direct fault of the parent. We all know there are horrible parents who do horrible things to their children. But there are also well-meaning, loving parents who are treated horribly by their children.

I completely agree. I think both parties can be just as guilty as the other. I know of people who are great parents, but their kids for whatever reason just could not see it. They blamed their parents for anything that was wrong in their life and pushed them away. Thankfully in most of the cases, once the children got older, they could finally see all their parents had done for them and how lucky they were to have parents who cared so much. And they finally came around. So I totally get what you are saying. It's not always the parent's fault.

In my case with my father, I honestly believe it is his fault. At least for the beginning of my life. He wasn't there. He was the adult. He was the parent. I was the kid. I did everything I could to have him in my life, but he just didn't want to be there and I spent many nights wondering why I wasn't a good enough daughter for him to want me. Now I am an adult, so I take responsibility for things now. The rift in whatever relationship it was we had is now 50 percent my fault because I am now an adult and could easily reach out to him and end this. But I dont want to because I want him to be the one to reach out for once. And that's probably selfish, but that's how I feel.

Anyways, didn't meant to ramble so much. I just basically wanted to say that I do agree that the parents and kids can each be the one to blame. It's not always one or the other. But with that said, it's not always both.

scarletpeaches
06-08-2011, 04:40 PM
If someone wants to be called a parent, they can bloody well act like one. Same goes for children, but as I'll (hopefully) never be a parent, I can only speak from one side of the argument. I do, however, know that beating a child so badly it's hospitalised isn't a good way to earn your daughter's respect, love and admiration.

NeuroFizz
06-08-2011, 04:58 PM
And there is yet another factor in the equation for sad/hurtful Fathers and Mothers Days. And that's ex-spouses.

scarletpeaches
06-08-2011, 05:02 PM
Yup.

(I got nothing. Just total agreement, Fizzy.)

TerraAnn
06-08-2011, 05:03 PM
Very true, NeuroFizz. There are a lot of factors that can play in. My mom tried her best to not badmouth my dad, but I think some degree of that is inevitable. If there is hostility between the parents who are exs, then the child will pick up on that. The few times I've been around my dad, he has certainly made sure to badmouth my mom. You also have to take into account stepparents too. My stepmom definately played into my dad not contacting me too. I think each situation is different. No one situation is exactly the same as another. In some cases it is the parents fault. In others it's the child. In others it's both. There are a lot of factors and elements but what it comes down to is that Mothers and Fathers days are always bad days for a lot of people out there, whatever their reasons. I hope, though, that this Fathers day people find some peace. Even though the day angers me and brings out my bad feelings towards my own father, I also am happy to celebrate my grandfather and all of my uncles who stepped up and gave me more attention than most uncles do. My gramp taught me how to ride a bike and how to parallel park. My uncles each taught me things as well. And my mom has had to be both parents. My current stepdad has stepped up and in recent years been great too. So to all my good father figures, I will celebrate them on Fathers day.