Feedback requested (Closed--already submitted, thanks!)

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Emeline Danvers

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I'm entering the Harlequin Historical Undone pitch contest, and I'd like some last-minute feedback before I enter my submission. Here is the pitch (there an amended version further down):

I have deleted my pitch because it has now been submitted and is under consideration in the contest. (I revised it first and corrected some typos. It is much better now.) Thank you for the help!
 
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Stacia Kane

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I find the "endure stripes" line a bit...not as smooth as it could be.

I love the setting etc., but I'm not sure what the conflict is on his side? Or really between them at all? She's worried about his past, I guess, but I don't see any conflict from him, and you really want to put that in there. You mention the memories of the night he lost it all, so really all this needs is a short bit about his loyalty to his dead love's memory or whatever, something so we know he's going to be fighting with himself over Rebekah, you know?

Hope that helps!
 

Emeline Danvers

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Stacia,

It does help. I had the same thought, but it was getting so wordy already, I didn't think I had the room to spare. It's really tough getting his conflict, her conflict, and the time and location squeezed in there! Ugh, pitches are the worst.
 

Emeline Danvers

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Any better?

I have deleted my pitch because it has now been submitted and is under consideration in the contest. (I revised it first and corrected some typos. It is much better now.) Thank you for the help!
 
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Irysangel

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Any better?


The Puritan's Passion is a "second chance" love story with a Scarlett Letter twist.

Scarlet, not Scarlett. One is a color, the other is a name.

When Nathan shows up asking for a job, Rebekah sees a way to hold off both her matchmaking mother and the wily widower neighbor who has designs on her property.

How? She's going to pair them up? Start a book club? Hold a dance off?

In the aftermath of the witch trials, when neighbors live in fear of each other and retribution

But apparently not so fearful that she won't propose to a stranger that just showed up on her doorstep?

Rebekah's simmering passion for the mysterious prodigal son of Andover—who left amid scandal and returned much the same way—could put both their lives in peril.

Cut 'simmering' and 'mysterious' (and I'm not fond of 'prodigal son' either). It makes the sentence a little florid.

Overall I think it's a good - and interesting - pitch, but it needs a little tweaking to make sure everything lines up in a sensible way. :)

Good luck!
 

Emeline Danvers

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I swear, I DO know how to spell scarlet. ROFL. Pitch-writing and insomnia do not mix.

Hey! A dance-off is a great idea. Oh wait. They didn't dance. Darn Puritans. ;)

I like all the points you made. The one problem is, if I elaborate on anything else, the pitch will be too long. I'm already stretching it, because it's supposed to be just a two-paragraph blurb. It's driving me crazy trying to get everything said, and not go too long.

[Edit: I have deleted my pitch because it has now been submitted and is under consideration in the contest. I revised it first and corrected some typos. It is much better now. Thank you for the help!]
 
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