View Full Version : Historical/ High Fantasy WIP needs reader!

04-02-2011, 07:37 PM
I say historical/ high fantasy, because my novel possesses high fantasy themes of quests, and journeys to be undertaken, strange lands and unknown people, but the story doesn't have the normal good vs evil theme that runs rampant through the ranks of fantasy novels. It's based more on religion Vs. science, political intrigue, and thousands of years of lies.

I have Part 1 finished, chapters 1-5, and I am looking for someone to do a relatively detailed critique, to tell me how my characters feel, how the story flows, etc.

Here's an excerpt :

My excitement grew by the moment, to the point where the feeling of moths in my stomach was distracting. At the time, I chalked it up to nerves, being woken by a pretty woman, and a possible adventure, but now I recognize that feeling as the intervention of destiny. That's what you feel when you're being touched by fate. I felt like I should jump out the window, I'd get to the Grove faster that way than if I took the stairs. Of course, I wasn't half as mad then as I am now, so, yes, I took the stairs, darling. My feet scooted and slipped over the five flights of stairs, down the long hallway that ran the length of the dormitory, and then down the final steps to the door. I'm sure I placed my hand on the frame and swung into the street, because otherwise I'd have just kept going straight into the next building, I had so much steam built up. I ran all the way to the Grove and didn't have time to feel winded before I was being ushered into a canopied area and set on a cushion. Then my life began.
"Solan, good. We're glad to see you, everyone can agree, I'm sure?" I tried my best to ignore the mixed reactions.
"Right, well. To the point, yes? My name is Desdon, and if anyone else wants to introduce themselves, save it till after we're through here. We don't really have a collective name, either, for our group. We're just.. collecting ideas. Anyway, to the point!" He sat across from me on a rather ugly green cushion, took a drink from a red cup next to him, and went on, "We have plans, of a sort, to assist the people of the Tertancian Underground, through the next Wave. We've been relatively... at odds on our... purposes for it, but it's overall for the good of us and them. We've come up with the physical means to do it, we're just lacking the actual means to implement, design, and install such means. Are you getting this?"
I knew what every child in Dosmerind knew about Tertancia. Highly religious and civilized, yet non-scientific or technological. I also knew that they've a problem with rebellion, though to the best of my knowledge, it's been quiet for many years. So after a few moments contemplation, I answered Desdon.
"Yes, I believe so. Although I'm sure you know how vague you are being," I was glad he nodded in agreement.
"Yes, I am. Quite vague, and also quite loony, according to some in this crowd. But still, we're deviating; The Point!" He stood up, and asked me to stand up as well, so I did. He took me by the elbow, and led me over to a low bench with a few maps scattered about, scrawled in someones messy, slanting cursive, "I made these over my last visit to Tertancia." He pointed to the city of Hold Out and said tersely, " Can you live there?" I remember it catching me so off guard that I hadn't even realized he'd spoken at first. Then it finally filtered into my brain and I replied with a very well versed,"What?"
Desdon grinned wryly, "We want you to live there. Specifically in this quadrant," He pulled out a more detailed map of the city and traced a square, "This is the location of the Underground. If you could, with allocated funds, purchase a place of business with a basement, and begin to make relations with the leaders of the Rebellion. After you have done this, you should convince them to build a lift shaft down into their tunnels, if there isn't access already. We'll give you the design for such a lift. It's the majority's opinion that you should open a library: They are respected, already have an air of mystery about them, and are perfect places to hide documents and sensitive information. Also, your name is Solan. So." He stopped at that, but I continued to stare at him, then I repeated myself, "What?"

Hope I have interested someone!

04-03-2011, 12:44 AM
Just started Part Two, it's moving along, with or without you! :)

07-18-2011, 11:59 AM
I can't believe that none answered your post since april, but that is beside de point.

Not to be to long - I am intrested in the concept you have, about science vs religion, so, I would like to take a look, fairly detaild look if I'm specific; if the offer still stand.

Also maybe useful info - I read fantasy, even tryied to write one but its on hold now.

So, PM me...