Can anyone help me work out what might happen when an emotional abuser's partner gets pregnant?

Depends on the emotional abuser. He might want the child and turn out to be a great father (not unlikely; it happens!). He would still continue to abuse his girlfriend especially as she is so young (same character, the A level student?).

Or he would insist on her getting an abortion. With the power he has over her, and depending on her state of mind and how much she wants to please him, she might be happy to go along with it. The UK has the higest rate of teen pregnancies in the world so you might want to consider the realities - many girls do opt for abortion because it is quite readily available and frees them from being young, single mothers. Many keep their babies and too many are damned to a life of hardship from the moment they are born to mothers who aren't ready and can't cope.

It all depends on what your characters are like. What are they likely to do? Abortion is what I'm thinking based on the last few threads.

You're right that some abusers go from emotional to physical abuse during pregnancy. You could go with the scenario you're listed, but be careful to write your character with depth and substance so that he's not all bad and your MC isn't all good.
The guy in your story might be insecure and/or have abandonment issues that he's taken to an unhealthy level. Her pregnancy could be the smack upside the head that he needs to realize he risks losing his gf and the baby. Or he could feel jealous of the baby and the attention the fetus is taking away from him (this would be narcissistic behavior.)
Abuse is about power and control in many cases. Sometimes abusers/violent people have organic problems, like frontal lobe damage (though this is not an excuse-there is no excuse for abuse.) Most abusers have poor impulse control.
Sure, an abuser might be trying to injure the fetus, but the abuser probably isn't cognitively aware of this (although if the abuser has sociopathic behavior, this becomes more possible.)
Like Purple Rose said, he might pressure her to get an abortion.
Get inside your character's head. Would he want a child (or the concept of a child, I doubt he wants the reality of the sleepless nights etc.)? Would he question the paternity? Would this be the wake up call he needs to realize he needs help?

Lapinou said:

Why does pregnancy trigger physical violence for some men? Why aren't they violent before the pregnancy? Is the jealousy just too much for them to bear? I guess the woman not only is close to her foetus (ie. someone else) but also will spend more time thinking about the baby than about the man...?

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I'm sure you could find some case study somewhere that theorizes pregnancy triggered violence--but that would be the exception to the rule.
A normal man isn't going to become violent because his partner is pregnant. If a guy only got violent after the pregnancy, I think you'd have to look at how he was before hand, was he on the edge, waiting to explode? Pregnancy can stress out guys, particularly if they are already struggling financially. Some guys have the idea that they should be providers and they can view another mouth to feed as proof of failure (to be able to provide).

No one can be closer to the fetus than the pregnant woman, because it grows inside her. In a healthy relationship, the couple will share the joy. Sometimes the guy will feel twinges of jealousy, but when that comes from wanting to be closer to the fetus, it's normal. No need to worry about that because it comes from a place of love.

I've heard pregnant women say that their love for the baby's father grows as the fetus grows inside her and that the pregnancy brings them closer together. Love has infinite potential. Attention does not because there are only so many hours in a day.

Is it plausible that he might be initially excited, and then realise the reality that he might be losing control of her because she's getting so obsessed with the baby?

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Yes--but the "realization" would likely not be something in his conscious awareness. He might say, "You care more about the baby than me." but in all likelihood, he hasn't made the cognitive connection. In my experience, most abusers lack insight.

Perhaps your character could break some of his rules or become more independent as she accepts her future as a mother. I bet he wouldn't like that.

I think he could envision the future family he's going to have in a very positive (read: idealized) way at first, and be totally excited about it. But as the character begins to do things without consulting him first or that go against his rules, he could start to feel his control slipping.

This could be simple things, like if she's the primary cook, what she makes to eat would change. She might go see a doctor one day without him because she feels something's wrong, and he's unavailable. Maybe she starts taking walks or something for exercise. I'm thinking any sort of healthy, independent behavior would be a threat to him.

Lapinou said:

I think she'll keep it, but miscarry...I think she'll miscarry anyway. I don't want to write about an abortion at this story. But I want to focus on him becoming physically violent towards her, and I'm wondering why men do that during pregnancy - why does it start then? And how far into the pregnancy does it start?

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I would say that the men who become violent in response to a pregnancy do so because of selfishness and/or fear. Selfishness is often a motivating factor of controlling behavior - the want someone who is utterly focused on them, and are very offended by the idea that the attention of the person under their control might be usurped by a baby, or that the difficulties of pregnancy and childrearing might cause hardships or sacrifices in the controller's life. This might be anything from the woman's morning sickness or the idea that a woman's vagina and stomach might be 'ruined' after childbirth, to the sleep deprivation babies tend to cause, to the way babies tend to be stinky and noisy, to the fear that if he's seen being nice to a baby other would think of that as weak and mock/humiliate him for it. That's also where it edges into fear, and further many men have a fear of being tied down by a child, required to provide for a child, and if they as a child were contemptuous of adults, they could easily fear their own child being contemptuous of them.

Imho and experience, it's just a situation he can't control that could cause him stress. Sunandshadow's post goes into that very well, I think.

With an abuser, leaving the orange juice out for 20 minutes can be the 'horrible sin' committed. It's not like it makes any rational sense, remember. Abuser stressed for any reason = possible beating. Pretty much.

Maybe not every abuser, but I know that these types exist.


Maybe he is happy at first. Maybe he gets 'in a mood' at some point thinking of the responsibility. Beating. Later on, he can be happy about it again. It's very psychologically immature, irrational behavior. He doesn't have to explain himself or have good reasons; it's all about his whims and moods.

Lapinou said:

I think she's going to find she's got the support to do it (there is another, good, man on the scene and her best friend's back in touch). .

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Please, please don't have her finally get rid of Mr. Abuser and plop right into the arms of 'another, good, man' right away. She's got friends, presumably she can be reunited with her family (although, not if they're going to be 'We told you so' forever) she's got a baby to care for.
She went from her parent's home to this jerk, if she promptly latches on to another man, she starts to sound like one of those women who has to have a man for her life to have meaning.
How does she know this one's a 'good man'? He helped her get rid of the first one? That could just be two abusers competing over one victim.
Wasn't the current abuser's pitch that he would save her from her mean old controlling parents?
Please, let her have some chance of independent thought, a life with her baby, something more than drifting from one man to another.

backslashbaby said:

Maybe he is happy at first. Maybe he gets 'in a mood' at some point thinking of the responsibility. Beating. Later on, he can be happy about it again. It's very psychologically immature, irrational behavior. He doesn't have to explain himself or have good reasons; it's all about his whims and moods.

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To me, this is the likely scenario. His initial reaction is one of self-congratulations ("Hey, look what I did! I made her pregnant. I rock.") He'd probably follow this up with a demand for a boy (aka mini-me). The hammer comes down when she starts getting more attention than he thinks she deserves.

There is also a good chance that they will not like finding out their gf is pregnant at all. See, having a pregnant spouse or gf takes the attention off them, and emotional abusers are often quite narcissistic. Passive aggressive is how I think an emotional abuser would react. Something like when he finds out he takes off and doesn't come home all night, not calling, maybe vaguely implying the next day that he may have gotten drunk and messed around with someone else, keep her on her toes ya know? Then doing what it takes to make the pregnancy all about them.

Yikes, do I sound like I have some experience in this area? lol

ITA with everything that's been said here. In my experience with abusers, both personal and professional, they tend to get worse when anything disrupts the carefully crafted "me first" world they've created. For example, mine went from controlling/passive-aggressive/emotionally abusive to downright dangerous a couple of days after my mom died, when I was coping with my own reaction and trying to help my devastated, chronically ill father through it. Suddenly I didn't have all the little details at the forefront of my mind, like his distaste for pickles on his Big Mac, and even worse, I expected him to actually DO something occasionally to help out.

In your situation, I strongly agree with the idea that he would like the idealized thought of having "the perfect family," but would not be able to stand up to the reality of pregnancy, let alone actually having the kid. The first time she has morning sickness or fatigue and can't be "at his service," he's going to lose it. If she spends too much time thinking about/talking about/planning for the baby, he's going to lose it. If her ideas for child-rearing differ from his, he's going to lose it (mine screamed at me, top volume, non-stop for two days when I said I liked the idea of kids believing in Santa Claus, and I wasn't even pregnant at the time). The more his world is disrupted, the angrier and more abusive he'll be. The moment that it switches to physical violence is up to you.

I agree with frimble3 on the concept of the good guy. If she runs right from the abuser to the other guy, without any time to process what has happened, it says something about her. Either she's currently messed up (and feels that she can't live without a guy) or she's likely to be messed up in the future (by not giving herself a chance to heal before starting a new relationship). It could work if he's a legitimate good guy and steps back to spend time actually being her friend/support system, and then they get together way later. But I wouldn't send her from the arms of one to the other.

Why does pregnancy trigger physical violence for some men? Why aren't they violent before the pregnancy?

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Probably the same reason some men are not physically or emotionally violent until the honeymoon night...because there is something about the situation (marriage or pregnancy) that makes the man feel the woman won't leave.

Men normally become abusive in a relationship when they are confident the woman feels trapped. Either by circumstance or low self-esteem.

It is believable for your character to hit your MC right after she tells him the news or to wait bit.

I had a friend in a very similar situation, and when she told the guy she was preggers, he was overjoyed, and she thought everything was going to magically get better. And for a while, it did. And then he began to get physical, and she ended up leaving him after a MAJOR confrontation. I don't know WHY he got physical suddenly...maybe the pressure of becoming a father? Maybe another woman? I don't know, and my friend didn't seem to either.

Anyway, the guy doesn't have any parental rights and doesn't pay child support I believe, but he is still obsessed about the kid and won't leave her alone. I don't think it's because he would be a good father, but mostly because he wants what he can't have.

I don't have experience with abuse at all, but I can see why a guy who tends toward the abusive would get worse if his woman got pregnant. I'm the shy one in our marriage - my husband has a lot more friends and we hang out with them for the most part - but when I got pregnant, suddenly everyone's attention shifted to me. Everyone I knew was asking about the baby, the baby, the baby! There was a baby shower, which was all about me (and the baby). I actually felt kind of sorry for my husband because pregnancy is so focused on the woman (at least in our culture). Life became all "What week are you now? How long until it comes? Do you want a boy or a girl? Are you going to breastfeed?" Etc. etc. etc. Everyone wants to give you their advice and opinions and honestly I felt like everyone was way more excited than I was! And then, yes, of course the dietary changes and fatigue and morning (all-day) sickness, etc. etc.

There's the IDEA of pregnancy, which is pretty exciting when you see that line on the pee test, and then there's the reality! I think it was kind of a shock for my husband, more than it was for me.

In my experience, abuse is completely about control. Sometimes the reason these people become abusers is they were raised in a situation where the dynamic is abuser/abused. You're one or the other, so they don't want to be abused and seek out people they can abuse. Some people (your MC) stay in the abused category, and think that's normal or they deserve it. Some manage to break free of that behavior pattern altogether.

Abusers are pretty systematic and organized in the way they isolate their victims. Anything she does to disrupt that isolation is going to threaten that control.

My ex was emotionally and sexually abusive for several years until I finally tried to leave him. He. Flipped. Out. The first and last time he hit me was when he threw me down a flight of concrete stairs and left me unconscious at the bottom with my head split open. Between his emotional manipulation (he convinced me I had a bout of low blood sugar and fallen down the stairs. Looking back on it, how the heck did he know to call me and see if I was still alive afterward if he wasn't even there like he claimed? And why didn't he call an ambulance? Sigh.) and the head injury, I probably would have stayed trapped except that my roommate recognized he was a slime ball, took care of me, and called the police every time he came sniffing around. I owe her my life.

If, in general, the pregnancy caused the woman to try and assert her independence that would make him feel threatened. If she tried to leave him, or he suspected that was what she was doing, that could definitely make things escalate to physical violence.

It's likely he'd try and use the baby as a way to control her as well. Once children are born, it's not uncommon for abusers to battle tooth and nail for child custody or visitation. Not so much because they love their children, but they think that if they control the kids the woman will come back. Your character might say things like, "If a judge ever finds out about *insert vice* they'll take the baby away." Again, further isolation. Don't even bother trying to get help from the authorities. This is your fault and they're going to destroy our family if you try and involve them.