Helpful Query Tips For Aspiring Writers

1. E-mails can get lost in the Internet. When you query, always call at least three times to verify that the agent received it.

2. Thank you notes are appropriate whenever you get a form-rejection or an out-of-office autoreply. Always send several thank you notes, in case one gets lost in the Internet. Call to make sure they arrive.

3. If you query by regular-mail, put some granulated sugar in the envelope. This lets the agent know that your book is a sweet read

4. Literary agents are busy people, and it can be hard to get them on the phone. Sometimes, you need to wait outside their houses.

5. If you have an idea for a book, but you don't have the time to write it, you should call agents to see if they want to buy the proposal for someone else to write. But don't tell anyone what the idea is, because they might steal it. Ask them to sign a nondisclosure agreement.

6. The rules of grammar aren't really rules. They are more like guidelines for people who like to think inside the box.

7. If someone tells you your writing is incomprehensible, it is because they are too stupid to understand it.

8. Always stand up for yourself. Let every craven dumbass who rejects you know that they've made a mistake they'll regret forever

9. J.K. Rowling got, like, five rejections. You got fifty, so that means your work is ten times more groundbreaking and threatening to the bourgeois establishment!

10. If your book is about spies, you should write your query in code. Agents will have so much fun decrypting it.

11. Make sure to tell agents that you have registered your manuscript with the copyright office. That lets them know you're serious.

12. Don't let anything stand between you and your dream of being an author. Especially not your learning disability or your functional illiteracy.

13. Don't let anyone tell you that your writing is "bad." "Bad" is just a word, and great authors don't care at all about words.

14. There is no such thing as a bad writer or a bad book. There are only bad agents, bad editors, bad bookstores, bad critics and bad readers.

15. Every story is a sacred jewel that deserves to be treasured. Some jewels are transparently racist. Some jewels are full of cliches and stilted dialog. Some jewels don't make any sense. But they're still jewels, dammit.

16.If you are writing about a common topic like vampires, try to put a unique twist on it. Like, maybe the vampire falls in love

1. Everybody who gets published knows somebody on the inside. So be sure, in your query, to lie about knowing someone famous.

2. Before you pour a lot of time into writing a book, call some editors on the phone to ask if they think your idea is a bestseller.

3. Just because you're too busy to write a book doesn't mean you can't be an author. Hire an unpaid intern to write one for you.

4. Successful authors always write what they know. That's why most books are about alcoholism and depression.

5. Publishers like authors to be kind of ethnic, but not too ethnic. Try to work that angle, if you can.

6. Only submit to literary magazines with names that evoke wide-open, sun-dappled places where nobody wants to live.

7. You drink because you're lonely and life disappoints you. You write for the same reasons, and also because you're a narcissist.

8. No matter what your book is about, describe it as "dystopian" and "steampunk" in your query.

9. Your query should include at least three references to "social media."

10. Tell agents that your main love-interest would be a great movie role for Robert Pattinson. That's a big selling point.

11. The bestselling "Dexter" features a serial killer who only kills other serial killers. But what if there was series about a serial killer who only kills children? Edgy!

12. Why has there never been a book about a girl who has to choose between the affections of a straight-laced hunk and some kind of bad-boy?

13. There's no such thing as oversharing on the Internet. Tweet about your relationships, what you are having for lunch and all, especially, your form rejections.

14. Manuscripts should be interesting to look at. Use fun fonts like Comic Sans and italicize as much as possible.

15. Show you believe in your manuscript by assuring agents that it is a guaranteed bestseller which they'd be stupid to reject.

16. Agents love getting unsolicited full manuscripts. It saves them the trouble of requesting. Ship your unsolicited manuscripts by FedEx overnight, to show you are serious.

1. If you get a lot of rejections, it's probably because you didn't spend enough time networking on Facebook


2. If you write fantasy, be sure to use lots of made-up words and names in your query. Agents love that.


3. Publishers are interested in any well-told story, as long as it's about a teenage girl who has to choose between two hot boys.


4. People want to read about realistic, identifiable characters, such as sexually non-threatening teenage boys with six-pack abs.


5. Write realistic dialog. For example, when a man tells his male friends about a woman he's met, he should describe her eyes a lot.


6. When writing for the Young Adult audience, authenticity is important. You must know what is cool. Drugs and premarital sex are never cool.


7. Your protagonist must always be likable. This means she should avoid conflict at all times.


8. Don't be naive about how the publishing business works. Always send headshots with your query. Follow-up with sexts. Let them know you're willing to do ANYTHING to make your dream come true.


9. Publishing a book isn't a way to get famous. Getting famous is a way to publish a book.


10. Every kind of monster is sexy now. When you think of werewolves, think "doggystyle." When you think of zombies, think "priapism."


11. You can still get rich writing monster mashups. "Ethan Frome The Black Lagoon," and "A Tale Of Two Cities Destroyed By Godzilla."


12. If you have trouble getting a literary agent on the phone, remember most people can be reached at home between one and five a.m.


13. Send your fan-fiction to the producers of the TV shows you write about. Then sue them all for stealing your ideas


14. Talent isn't what sells books. But you already know that, or you wouldn't be doing this.


15. Nobody has written a paranormal romance about sexy dragons yet. Consider the possibilities of a prehensile, reptilian tongue.


16. Look up agents' previous sales before you query, so you can tell them how your book is better than all the shit they represent

1. Nothing inspires readers like a memoir by an author who struggled to overcome a serious illness. Maybe you should get a disease.


2. Buttering the agent up with a little bit of praise can't hurt your chances. Tell her she has a sensuous mouth and beautiful kids.


3. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have an agent? Then be sure to start your query with a rhetorical question


4. Sick of waiting weeks for responses? Send your query as a mass e-mail blast to fifty agents, so they know there's competition.


5. A query should be no more than 300 words, and at least 180 of them should be adjectives.


6. Self-publishing is a great way to become obscure.


7. Hand-write your queries to give them a personal touch. To really impress agents, send handwritten full manuscripts. Unsolicited.


8. Try to write a novel that has a built-in audience, such as a sequel to another author's popular series.


9. Send your query to "Dear Agent" or "Dear Sir/Madam" to avoid the embarrassment of accidentally misspelling someone's name.


10. When pitching at a conference, remember that a professional handshake should last at least 45 seconds. Hang on to that agent!


11. Everyone drinks at conferences. If you're sober, you'll look like a narc. Pound three Jäger shots twenty minutes before your pitch.


12. It is easier to publish if you write in a hot genre. Most agents are looking for Amish technothrillers and YA erotica right now.


13. Idioms and folk-sayings form a bond of familiarity between your characters and readers. They're as useful as can be!


14. Once you have an agent, call her twice a day, just to check in.


15. Don't compromise your artistic vision just because some PC liberals say your book is "racist." You're just telling it like it is!


16. Friend your favorite author on Facebook. Once you are friends, he'll be delighted when you show up at his house to hang out.