How do you be a good ally?

Support the cause:
-it seems like we're always marching for something or other, so join in--it's free and you'll feel really awesome for doing it.
-volunteer
-donate or help raise funds
-get educated--all my friends I would consider thoughtful allies but it's kind of appalling how much they don't know about the issues, it seems like no one even knows that DOMA exists and the fedgov refuses to recognize same-sex marriage/partnership/union.
-pass it on--talk about the issues, speak up if people have homophobic or transphobic bull**** to share, educate others
-come to gay pride--okay, not mandatory, but we throw a heck of a party! any gay pride parade is a guaranteed entertaining spectacle.

Bartholomew said:

I mean, since hate crimes against Lesbians were still on the rise in the US, last time I checked, clearly having a "mind my own business" stance isn't good enough.

So what can I actually do?

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Great, great question! Ben Panced's post yesterday about that stupid woman and her bible-endorsed poison was so upsetting that I went online this morning to see how our Australian GBLT kids are faring - and things are better, but not much better. Not nearly as much better as I had assumed they would be.

Both my kids work in the arts and are tremendously close to and live with their gay friends. Our home was always a safe place - but I think now it was also kind of ignorant about how much pressure exists for other kids in more hostile environments. So what can be done about that? We can work the vote, we can provide safe places, we can answer and argue with statements that are cruel or stupid or damaging. But what else?

That a poisonous idiot woman like that can hurt smart, gutsy, resilient people like Ben was so upsetting - and then to imagine the effect she and people like her have on allowing this to bubble along, and the terrible damage to - especially to - young kids, well, it hurts, as Ben said. It really does hurt. I'm angry and hurt and even the fact that I can see so much change in attitudes in the last fifty years isn't enough. Because it's happening now, to kids and adults now, and it shouldn't be. It just shouldn't be. It's wicked.

So - great question Bartholomew. Looking forward to answers. Thinking seriously of going back to Mother Church and kicking some religious arse.

Speak up when people throw the word "faggot" around. Today my mom said, "I'm tired of listening to the faggots on TV" (it was a court show with a case involving a gay couple). My brother then said something along the lines of "People are way too sensitive these days. It's stupid, people get all offended when you say faggot."

When I heard all this, I shut my bedroom door and started crying. I still haven't come out to my family yet about being gay, and stupid bigoted comments like these continue to make me put off telling them. If only they knew how much this shit hurts me, they wouldn't do it. But then telling them would subject me to their bigotry. It's a lose-lose situation.

Teach your kids not to hate. I taught my kids that all people are deserving of respect and that just because someone is gay or lesbian,doesn't make them any less of a human being. Teach them not to stare when they do see a lesbian or gay couple. My six year old and I took the train about two weeks ago to a museum exhibit and two gentlemen were a few seats ahead of us and so obviously in love that I felt quite jealous. I mean,for Gawd's sake,must you be so damned lovey dovey,sirs? Some of us are bitter,you know.

My son casually remarked that they were boyfriend and boyfriend and thought no more of it. No nasty words,staring or pointing from my little man!

Don't allow hateful words to go unchecked. I don't allow the f word to be spoken in my home or around me. I will check someone right quick and if they don't like it,oh well. Stay out of my face with your bigotry and we won't have a problem.

March. I go to Black Gay Pride and the enormous Gay Pride parade here in Atlanta. It isn't much,but I want to show that us straight folks are down for the cause.

I am equally adamant about the transgendered community as well. I used to work at a well known bar in Atlanta and met many kind and wonderful people. Some of the stories I heard hurt my heart. It is a damn shame that transgendered folks face discrimination within a community that should have their backs. I teach my children that however a person chooses to live and express themselves is their right and not to be judged,laughed at,or considered less than. NEVER.

There are actually some really good resources linked in Mac's stickies for QUILTBAG.

I'm not sure where you're located, but check to see if there's a local resource center nearby. They're always ready and willing to welcome a friend and answer their questions.

As mentioned above, donate somehow. Money and time are so valuable and so, so scarce these days.

Attend an art exhibit/ballet/stage show/reading sponsored by a local GLBT organization, if there's one in your area. Supporting the arts, whatever your flavor, is always fun and filling!

And remember: even thought it's called "Gay Pride", it's for everybody.

-Bring the subject up in conversation and talk about how angry/hurt/confused you feel that gays aren't given the same rights as their heterosexual counterparts under the constitution. When a hate crime makes the news, start a conversation with others. If someone asks you if you're gay (since some bozos think only LGBTs are concerned with gay issues), ask why it matters and would it be a problem if you were.
-Speak up any time you hear someone make a gay slur or insinuate that we have less rights.
-Write your senators and congress when bills like ending DOMA are up for votes.
-Don't vote for homophobes, campaign for allies
-attend LGBT parades/events
-give to LGBT charities or if you can't, volunteer your time. Some LGBT kids are kicked out of their homes or families so volunteering for something with LGBT young shows that there are straight folks who give a damn.

Bartholomew said:

I mean, since hate crimes against Lesbians were still on the rise in the US, last time I checked, clearly having a "mind my own business" stance isn't good enough.

So what can I actually do?

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VOTE.

Alan Yee said:

Speak up when people throw the word "faggot" around. Today my mom said, "I'm tired of listening to the faggots on TV" (it was a court show with a case involving a gay couple). My brother then said something along the lines of "People are way too sensitive these days. It's stupid, people get all offended when you say faggot."

When I heard all this, I shut my bedroom door and started crying. I still haven't come out to my family yet about being gay, and stupid bigoted comments like these continue to make me put off telling them. If only they knew how much this shit hurts me, they wouldn't do it. But then telling them would subject me to their bigotry. It's a lose-lose situation.

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I know this doesn't help much, but I need to say it anyway: I'm really sorry for this, Alan. It's terrible when even your own home isn't a safe place to be yourself. I sincerely hope your family will get a clue soon.

Corinne Duyvis said:

I know this doesn't help much, but I need to say it anyway: I'm really sorry for this, Alan. It's terrible when even your own home isn't a safe place to be yourself. I sincerely hope your family will get a clue soon.

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This. Plus a zillion.

Be willing to listen to non-straight folk when they talk about their problems and life experiences instead of telling them what you (generic "you," not you you) think about those problems/what you think it must be like to not be straight. Allies are great, but not when they're advocating their expectations/ideas over the experiences of the people who've lived these issues.

Accept people for who they say they are. One of our family friends, when I told her that I'm bisexual, started quizzing me on things like which celebrities I'm attracted to and confirming my answers against what she expected (Jack Davenport? He is pretty handsome. Oh yes, Lauren Graham, she is a lady the lesbians like) and how much I'm attracted to each sex and who I'd rather date or sleep with. And while I understand that she didn't intend it in a malicious way, it was really irritating. All she really needed to know is that I dig some dudes and some chicks.

Educate yourself about the QLTBG issues where you live and speak up about them.

Basically, promote the understanding that QLTBG issues are about QLTBG people, not politics. What's rhetorical debate for a lot of people is serious, life-affecting stuff for others.

Does PFLAG have a presence in your area?

Echoing the emphasis on education. I think that any group would welcome those who are actively supportive and trying to learn. You don't need to be an expert on queer issues to go to a rally. You can talk to the people there. They aren't going to be offended or upset if you are supportive and honestly want to learn and join the cause.

Alan Yee said:

Speak up when people throw the word "faggot" around. Today my mom said, "I'm tired of listening to the faggots on TV" (it was a court show with a case involving a gay couple). My brother then said something along the lines of "People are way too sensitive these days. It's stupid, people get all offended when you say faggot."

When I heard all this, I shut my bedroom door and started crying. I still haven't come out to my family yet about being gay, and stupid bigoted comments like these continue to make me put off telling them. If only they knew how much this shit hurts me, they wouldn't do it. But then telling them would subject me to their bigotry. It's a lose-lose situation.

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Alan, I hope you make the decision to tell your family who you really are at heart. I would also hope their love for you far surpasses their intolerance. Sometimes people speak hatefully because they don't know what they're spouting off against is hurting someone standing right next to them in the room. They would not say those things if they knew how painful it is to someone they care about.

I take to heart your point about speaking out against using the word "faggot." In my errant youth I was very casual at calling people "faggots" and "dykes" and worse.

One night I was sitting at home with my dad watching some TV show and I said some actor was a "faggot" and went off on a rant about gays. My father just sat there quietly saying nothing. When I finished, he leaned forward and said, "You know, son, it's the guys who call other people 'faggots' whom are the most worried about their own sexuality."

Stopped me dead in my tracks.

There was a recent discussion in P&CE about the offensively homophobic remarks made by Kobe Bryant of the Los Angeles Lakers where he was caught on video calling a referee "a fucking faggot" after being whistled for a foul.

I submitted a column for an African-American website, The Root.com, on Bryant's remarks, but they already had published one that made the point homophobic slurs are always meant to offend.

It's a big part of the heterosexual-male bonding experience: In an effort to prove a sense of collective manhood, some heterosexual men trade homophobic barbs with one another, denounce and deride being gay and vehemently defend their own heterosexual credentials. It starts pretty early in the socialization process, with "gay" being used as a derogatory term on the playground before most even know what "gay" means, and eventually it makes its way into other spaces that tend to be perceived as havens for heterosexual manhood (e.g., locker rooms, basketball courts, rap music).

This is what Kobe Bryant was doing when he shouted "f---ing faggot" at a referee during Tuesday's Los Angeles Lakers-San Antonio Spurs game. Bryant says his use of the homophobic slur was not intended to offend anyone, which hardly seems plausible.

He is well aware that "faggot" is a homophobic slur, or else he would have felt no need to apologize for his comments; he would have claimed ignorance. Given that he was visibly angry when he blurted out the slur, any comment that he made toward the referee at that point was clearly intended to offend him. But the use of this particular word reveals something deeper.

It's the belief that homosexuality is inherently inferior and an undesirable trait; therefore, to refer to someone with slurs usually reserved for gays is an attempt to belittle that person further. The quickest and most efficient way to insult a man has become to call into question his sexual orientation, and the easiest way to bond with one another comes through sharing a mutual homophobia (regrettably, these are things that I have personally done in the past but now recognize their idiocy).

And no one questions this. Sure, Bryant had to pay a fine and meet with LGBT activists, but apologists for his behavior abound. Society teaches us that manhood, in part, is defined by an ability to impregnate a woman and subsequently provide for the mother and child financially, while exercising control over their livelihoods through the threat of physical domination. For some, gay men and women represent a threat, an attack on the very concept of manhood.

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The Bryant thread was closed in P&CE because MacAllister was fed up by the dismissive attitudes of some posters who shrugged off the "faggot" slur as not a big deal. I hope you will take a look at the discussion because that viewpoint is a minority one and was generally ridiculed as being stupidly insensitive.

Little-by-little, attitudes evolve and people do too. 20 years ago most Americans were vehemently opposed to gay marriage. 20 years from now it will be accepted as the status quo just as much as straight marriage is. If you asked me where I was on the subject of gay marriage, I was opposed to it. Then, I was undecided. Finally, I'm all for it.

That's evolution.

Whether or not you choose to come out, Alan (and that is a deeply personal decision only you can make) , I sincerely hope you find some small comfort that things are changing. Not as fast or as dramatically as we might hope, but change is coming.

That was beautifully said, nighttimer.

I just wanted to use nighttimer's post as an opportunity to publicly thank everyone who's offered their support for me through private reps or in public in this thread. I can't begin to describe how much it means to me.

Just so everyone knows, my parents are incredibly supportive of me with my other personal problems (primarily Asperger's/autism spectrum disorder and related issues) and will love me no matter what. I know for a fact they won't ever refuse me a room in their house just for being gay. The problem is that I've occasionally heard mild-to-moderate bigoted comments from them, the above example just being probably one of the worst examples of it. Thankfully, however, they're not one of the faaaaaaaaaaar right-wing types who think homosexuality should be re-criminalized in the U.S. My mom believes gays should have hospital visitation rights and things like that, but that they shouldn't have full legal marriage rights. My dad's views are somewhat similar.

So they do have room to change, since they're not stuck at the extremes of the form of conservatism that seems to be predominant these days. The problem is that I have no idea how to bring this subject up to them. The other problem is the occasional bigoted comments, which has contributed to my struggling to tell them who I am for the past five years--essential my entire teenage years.

Alan Yee said:

The problem is that I have no idea how to bring this subject up to them. The other problem is the occasional bigoted comments, which has contributed to my struggling to tell them who I am for the past five years--essential my entire teenage years.

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In my case, I wore a shirt that said "NOBODY KNOWS I'M A LESBIAN" and walked into my dad's living room.

... I suppose that's not an option for everyone.

(This was a while ago -- I abandoned the shirt pretty quickly. I kept having to explain that I was actually bi but just preferred girls, so I identified as mostly lesbian at the time, but they didn't have shirts with that kind of distinction. It got old fast. )

In all seriousness... I imagine it might be easier for you to come out to them if they've loosened up a little on the bigoted comments, right? Is that something you could discuss if you frame it as something unrelated to you? You could say, for example, that your school discussed homophobia and slurs and subtly bigoted attitudes/comments the other day, and you're noticing more and more in your daily life just how common those attitudes are. Depending on how they respond to that, you could take it a step further and say that it's actually really starting to bother you, the same way it would bother you if people made, say, racist comments around you. Just part of being a Decent Human Being.

Of course, I don't know how well this would work in your situation.

nighttimer said:

I take to heart your point about speaking out against using the word "faggot." In my errant youth I was very casual at calling people "faggots" and "dykes" and worse.

One night I was sitting at home with my dad watching some TV show and I said some actor was a "faggot" and went off on a rant about gays. My father just sat there quietly saying nothing. When I finished, he leaned forward and said, "You know, son, it's the guys who call other people 'faggots' whom are the most worried about their own sexuality."

Stopped me dead in my tracks.

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What AW has shown me is that it is possible for people to change. I don't mind so much if people were homophobic or bigoted or anti-gay marriage in the past if they realized their original notions were mistaken and atone for it by being publicly supportive of it thereafter. I've even read at least a couple examples of AW members who've said they were anti-gay before joining up, but then became pro-gay-everything once they met people like Mac and other members who fall under the QUILTBAG.

The Bryant thread was closed in P&CE because MacAllister was fed up by the dismissive attitudes of some posters who shrugged off the "faggot" slur as not a big deal. I hope you will take a look at the discussion because that viewpoint is a minority one and was generally ridiculed as being stupidly insensitive.

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I did read that thread. It was heartening to see how the majority of folks (the ones who still post in P&CE, at least) stepped up to say that throwing around slurs like that is NOT okay.

Little-by-little, attitudes evolve and people do too. 20 years ago most Americans were vehemently opposed to gay marriage. 20 years from now it will be accepted as the status quo just as much as straight marriage is. If you asked me where I was on the subject of gay marriage, I was opposed to it. Then, I was undecided. Finally, I'm all for it.

That's evolution.

Whether or not you choose to come out, Alan (and that is a deeply personal decision only you can make) , I sincerely hope you find some small comfort that things are changing. Not as fast or as dramatically as we might hope, but change is coming.

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I really do hope that things change more quickly than they have been. Things have been changing pretty quickly by most standards, but when you're on the borderline between youth and adulthood like I am (nineteen), even a few years can feel like a lifetime. I do hope federal recognition of same-sex marriage happens before I get too old--preferably well I'm still relatively young. I'm pretty confident it will, but sometimes that confidence reaches new lows when some states decide to take a few steps (decades) back in the civil rights category.

Thanks for this, all. Whenever I think I'm doing what I can to be part of the solution I read threads like this and realize I can--and should--be doing more. Great suggestions and discussion.

Alan Yee:
My parents were sorta conservative on the subject until I came out to them. And my tabletop gaming group included two conservative Southern Baptists with family ties to Liberty University who have become some of my best friends since I came out, even though at least one of them had said some bigoted things before he knew. (He apologized later and admitted that he'd been ignorant.)

Many people just really don't think about it because they don't realize they know any LGBT people. Once they realize that they know a real person who is LGBT, not some character on TV or public figure they've never met, they often change their views rather quickly. (Some take a bit longer, though.)

Anyway, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, and I hope everything works out for you.

Alan, I second Mara's comment and experience.

My parents were never verbally homophobic, but at the time I was coming out, I was surrounded by fairly homophobic non-gay male friends (actually housemates). Before I told them I was gay, we had many useless conversations about why using the word faggot was wrong--I say useless because they always used the excuse: don't be so sensitive, or PC. Why do you care? You're not gay.

But something pretty amazing happened when I came out to them. They were amazingly supportive and apologized for all the comments they had made around me all the years.

I know coming out to parents is different--more at stake--but you very well might be surprised by their reaction, as I understand your situation.

From the perspective of time (I'm 52) the change in society's outlook seems to have been dramatic - as of course it needed to be. But, yes, I can see that when you're young and living through the mindless and endless day-to-day cruelties (which do get committed even here) it would be like a slap in the face. Out of nowhere. On a daily basis. It's inexcusable and it makes me very angry...