PDA

View Full Version : QUESTION TO PONDER



rhymegirl
10-19-2005, 06:19 PM
Can a man and woman be just friends? Or is there always some tension there???

unthoughtknown
10-19-2005, 06:23 PM
My opinion is that a woman and a man cannot be _close_ friends without one party falling for the other at some point.

robeiae
10-19-2005, 06:31 PM
My opinion is that a woman and a man cannot be _close_ friends without one party falling for the other at some point.
Ditto. Both might claim to want nothing else, but one (or both) is always lying, sometimes to themselves, as well.

Rob :)

William Haskins
10-19-2005, 06:36 PM
why on earth would anyone want a friend?

robeiae
10-19-2005, 06:43 PM
why on earth would anyone want a friend?
To help you put up hurricane shutters...

Rob :)

Gehanna
10-19-2005, 06:44 PM
William Haskins IS my best friend.

I have no social life.

brinkett
10-19-2005, 06:45 PM
My opinion is that a woman and a man cannot be _close_ friends without one party falling for the other at some point.
Assuming both parties are straight.

StoryG27
10-19-2005, 06:52 PM
Ok, I guess I have the unpopular view that yep, men and women can be JUST friends, close friends. I've always had more male friends than female. Females do wierd things like paint their nails, do thier hair, and shop...FOR FUN! Ugh. Guys tend to do fun stuff like shoot hoops, go camping, and play cards (at least the guys I hang out with). One of my very best friends is a guy I've known since we were both in diapers...he's married, I'm married, yet we're still friends. All through high school I hung out with guys, even went camping with them for three, four days at a time...and we were just friends. I seriously never felt anything more for them than a friendly love. It was almost like having a bunch of brothers.

robeiae
10-19-2005, 06:55 PM
It was almost like having a bunch of brothers.
'Cept they all want you. :D

Rob :)

StoryG27
10-19-2005, 07:03 PM
'Cept they all want you. :D

Rob :)
:roll: Yeah right. Trust me, that was rarely an issue. That was one advantage of having the voluptuous figure of a 12 yr old boy. :D

Pat~
10-19-2005, 07:07 PM
I agree that a man and a woman can be just friends, but those friendships are rare (and wonderful). It takes a lot of maturity and well-defined boundaries on both sides.

PattiTheWicked
10-19-2005, 07:12 PM
I think it depends on the individual parties. There are several men that I am friends with, that I can't even begin to think of in a sexual way, and we'll always be "just friends." On the other hand, I have a couple of male friends that I do find very attractive, and if I wasn't married I'd probably pounce on them in a second. It's a question of drawing a line for yourself and knowing when not to cross it.

scfirenice
10-19-2005, 07:15 PM
Yes. No.

pconsidine
10-19-2005, 07:15 PM
Story - don't kid yourself. You may have been built like a pipe cleaner, but that doesn't mean they didn't all want to have their way with you.

Ultimately, the fact that one party may want something other than friendship doesn't mean that they can't be friends. I have a friend that I've known for 15 years and when we first met, I totally wanted to take her to bed. But that didn't happen. Once I accepted that our relationship was never going to include sex, being friends with her was no problem at all (though when she came to my wedding, I definitely got the impression she was having some "what if" thoughts of her own).

No matter what Harry said to Sally, it can be done.

Jamesaritchie
10-19-2005, 07:19 PM
Ok, I guess I have the unpopular view that yep, men and women can be JUST friends, close friends. I've always had more male friends than female. Females do wierd things like paint their nails, do thier hair, and shop...FOR FUN! Ugh. Guys tend to do fun stuff like shoot hoops, go camping, and play cards (at least the guys I hang out with). One of my very best friends is a guy I've known since we were both in diapers...he's married, I'm married, yet we're still friends. All through high school I hung out with guys, even went camping with them for three, four days at a time...and we were just friends. I seriously never felt anything more for them than a friendly love. It was almost like having a bunch of brothers.

I agree with you. I've nearly always had more female friends than male friends. I know it's possible for males and females to be close friends without the sex/love entanglement.

BradyH1861
10-19-2005, 09:43 PM
That was one advantage of having the voluptuous figure of a 12 yr old boy. :D

Hmmmmm, sounds like Michael Jackson would want you!!!!!!!!!






(running for cover)

Brady

Carole
10-19-2005, 09:48 PM
I have wondered this myself. From my point of view, most definietly a man and woman can be just friends. Hubby thinks a little differently, though, and most guys I know think the exact same way he does. According to them, guys aren't able to be just friends without at least wondering from time to time what it would be like to have sex with her. I have guy friends that I have never thought anything like that at ALL about, but according to the guys I know...all guys prowl, actively or mentally, at some point.

Sarita
10-19-2005, 09:51 PM
I put forth the evidence:

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. ~Oscar Wilde

AND

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. ~Henry Kissinger (ok, not so much evidence, just a good quote)

This being said, I think there can be rare cases of friendship. But for the most part, there is always some sort of sexual tension. (if they're both straight)

Tiaga
10-19-2005, 09:54 PM
Depends on size shape age etc. either you find them atractive or you don't.
Morals come into play or should and it never goes any further.
But if you find someone really attractive you are always going to think hmm "I wonder what that tastes like".

Having really attractive opposite sex friends is not easy on a marriage, unless both partners are very secure.
I've had friends in this situation, none are still married.
I've been married 30 yrs this year. There are no issues but it takes a lot of work!

William Haskins
10-19-2005, 09:55 PM
friendship is such a case-by-case amalgam of emotions, motives and opportunity, that it's impossible to categorically state the various elements that make up even one human relationship.

veinglory
10-19-2005, 10:01 PM
I have had close male friends my whole life. So if I am destined to fall for them or be fallen for a) I have a backlog of 20-30 guys to get through, b) it's taking a while and c) some of them will have to stop being gay or stop loving theior wives for this to happen.

Frankly I have never understood people who have close friends only of their onw sex. How does that happen?

paprikapink
10-19-2005, 10:03 PM
If they're both Scorpios, they don't even have to be straight to generate sexual tension.

But sexual tension doesn't preclude friendship. Just spices it up a bit. I have a silly tendency to find everyone I care about attractive. Doesn't mean anything has to be done about it.

(I actually think it's more amazing that my dear friend who is a devout Muslim can stand to be friends with me. To her, most of my lifestyle is a mortal sin, and we still respect each other and care about each other and support each other in our very different goals for our lives. No...similar goals, just very different routes.)

rtilryarms
10-19-2005, 10:14 PM
Of course it is possible. consider this recent conversation with my wife:

"Dear, why did you have to wait until we were married to become a virgin?"

[silence]

She's my best friend too.

And as far as Sara's sexual tension, I find that self awareness studies in the vicinity of William Haskin's tombstone generally maintains a yoga-like peace and personality balance.

brokenfingers
10-19-2005, 10:15 PM
Hmmmm, thatís a good one. I canít speak for anyone but myself but I think itís very, very hard to have a friendship between a man and a woman without some kind of tension on at least one side. Iím not saying itís impossible, mind you, just very, very hard.

Iíve known many women who Iíve totally loved as friends ONLY and 99% of the time there eventually came a point where they would want a little more. Iíd start getting the vibe and then Iíd start to feel bad because I couldnít reciprocate so Iíd begin to adjust my behavior and kinda walk on eggshells around them to not inadvertantly give them the wrong impression. After a while the whole relationship would become a strain because of the tension I felt.

Thereíve also been many times when the shoes been on the other foot and Iíve begun developing desires beyond friendship with women who were totally content to stay friends. I must confess I have a bad habit of letting this happen with women who are married. Thatís why youíll hear me and many guys lament how the best ones are always married.

Iím guessing that maybe since the guy goes in knowing that nothingís gonna happen he goes in with his guard down and whammo! In slips the knife.

Either that or if sheís not married, he knows she just wants to be friends and if thereís one thing a man canít stand itís to desire somebody who doesnít desire them. Once again Ė tension.

Next thing he knows heís torturing himself because heís wanting something he shouldnít be wanting and heís breaking an implicit agreement that he wonít want it. But the poor dumb bastard canít help himself!

Yeah, itís toughÖ

ChunkyC
10-19-2005, 10:16 PM
I too have had far more female friends than male over the years, and good, meaningful friendships. Yet I have to admit to wondering what it would be like to snog just about every one of them. I don't believe it's possible for anyone to be friends with an attractive individual of the gender you are normally attracted to and not have the thought of having sex with them cross your mind at some point. Biology would make that virtually impossible.

What allows the friendship to work is accepting that it's natural for you to find an attractive person attractive, and knowing where the boundaries are.

Sarita
10-19-2005, 10:24 PM
But sexual tension doesn't preclude friendship. Just spices it up a bit. I have a silly tendency to find everyone I care about attractive. Doesn't mean anything has to be done about it.
Frankly I have never understood people who have close friends only of their onw sex. How does that happen? I agree. I hope you all don't think I'm saying I don't have guy friends. I actually don't have any girlfriends, aside from my sisters and a small handful of lifelong friends (I can think of 2). I have far more guy friends. One of them, my best friend, insists that guys always have a sense of sexual wonder when it comes to their friends of the female persuasion. They just don't always act on it. I swear, I've had this conversation with dozens of people and it always ends in someone telling a story about a friend that was of the oposite sex and never realizing that the guy/girl had a thing for them.

brokenfingers
10-19-2005, 10:24 PM
We should've put a poll on this one

pconsidine
10-19-2005, 10:31 PM
What allows the friendship to work is accepting that it's natural for you to find an attractive person attractive, and knowing where the boundaries are.I think that's always been my perspective. I mean, to my mind, there isn't a whole lot of difference between friendship and romance anyway. I'm another one of those people who's always had more friends of the opposite sex and I'm not ashamed to say that I wouldn't mind sleeping with any one of them. Doesn't mean that it alters our friendship any. Just means I have excellent taste in women - friends or otherwise.

ChunkyC
10-19-2005, 10:38 PM
to my mind, there isn't a whole lot of difference between friendship and romance anyway
Agreed. Physical and emotional attraction are far less related to each other, IMHO.

StoryG27
10-19-2005, 10:38 PM
If they're both Scorpios, they don't even have to be straight to generate sexual tension.
I'm a Scorpio and I'm a raging heterosexual, but I don't think I generate a lot of sexual tension...I just tend to annoy people and create honest to goodness tension. Eh, what can I say? It's a gift.

Now, let me clarify...'just friends' doesn't mean I never once thought about what sex with one of my male friends would be like. I had and still have some very good looking male friends, it just means I would never actually act on those little fantasies. If I even tried...eewww, like I said, they were ALMOST like brothers. My hubby has female friends, and I don't even want to know what might go on in his imagination...but it doesn't mean he intends to play out his fantasies, or even would if the opprotunity presented itself. The point is, just because you consider someone attractive doesn't mean you can't be JUST friends with them...no matter what goes on in the privacy of your mind. I think there is a line between attraction and desire...if desire is what you have, nope, you can't just be friends...I mean you can be, but you'd have to be really careful not to let your actions cross the friendship boundary lines, and it would be more than friendship on your side. I never desired my male friends as lovers...and I'm pretty sure they felt the same.

rhymegirl
10-19-2005, 10:38 PM
Actually I posed this question because of an article idea I'm working on. I wondered what you people thought. I don't know how to do a poll, but somebody else can if you want to.

reph
10-19-2005, 10:38 PM
The answers so far suggest that men are more likely than women to have their sexual feelings interfere with a friendship.

When I was single and younger (twenties), straight men lost interest in me quickly if sex wasn't going to be involved. I wonder, did they have any male friends? (That is, were they interested in any nonsexual friendships?) Later, it got easier. When you're part of a couple, you have couple friends.

ChunkyC
10-19-2005, 10:47 PM
I wonder, did they have any male friends? (That is, were they interested in any nonsexual friendships?)
That's very interesting, reph. I have to admit, for myself anyway, that the most meaningful, emotionally satisfying relationships I've had in my life have been with women, regardless of whether sex ever became a part of the equation.

paprikapink
10-19-2005, 11:00 PM
Okay, now this is top secret. Don't go telling everyone.

Years ago, I was really good friends with a co-worker. We were friends, we both knew, because he thought I was cute and I admired that he was so faithful to his fiance anyway. And we genuinely liked each other. Then the fiance went on a 10-week trip to Europe. And co-worker and I spent *all* of our free time together, plus we worked together.

A certain amount of tension did develop. In fact, it was ridiculous. I finally decided our friendship was reaching such a lofty state of self-sacrifice that it would be better for the relationship we were trying to protect if we just went ahead and relieved it. So we did that for the rest of the 10-weeks.

Then she came back and things went back to how they were before she left. I think it was the right thing to do in that case. I had to get off the pedestal, for her sake.

Carole
10-19-2005, 11:00 PM
What allows the friendship to work is accepting that it's natural for you to find an attractive person attractive, and knowing where the boundaries are.
Well said :)

pconsidine
10-19-2005, 11:02 PM
The answers so far suggest that men are more likely than women to have their sexual feelings interfere with a friendship.Interesting. I hadn't gotten the impression that the men were saying it would interfere with the friendship - merely that it would be there.

That basically points out the underlying assumption of the whole question, which is that sexual tension between friends is always a hindrance. I don't believe that to be the case at all. Some of my friends enjoy whatever sexual tension we have and use it to harmlessly blow off some steam. Others don't feel that way at all.

As Storygirl said, it's not a question of whether the tension is there or not but how one reacts to it.

robeiae
10-19-2005, 11:13 PM
Assuming that everyone who has professed to having close friends of the opposite sex w/out any underlying sexual tension is being completely honest, it does not follow that those who share such a friendship feel the same way.

I have known lots of girls/women who claim large numbers of straight male friends and believe it is simple friendship, nothing more. But being a despicable male, I would suggest that the other side of the story is quite differnet. Now, this is not to say there can be no close freindships of this type (I have several, myself), only that there is always, at some point the hope/desire for more by one or both parties. If such dreams are quashed, I am sure a friendship can continue, but the answer to the initial question RG posed remains NO.

Rob :)

rhymegirl
10-19-2005, 11:19 PM
As Storygirl said, it's not a question of whether the tension is there or not but how one reacts to it.

Yes, this is a very good point. When I was in my twenties and single I used to occasionally play tennis with a guy who was married. He was a very good-looking guy. There was plenty of tension and plenty of comments and suggestions on his part, so eventually I just told him I can't play tennis with you anymore. I just removed myself from the whole situation. But it was definitely tempting.

pconsidine
10-19-2005, 11:22 PM
In which case, the real question is "can someone be friends with a person he wants to sleep with but can't?"

Very different question.

Tiaga
10-20-2005, 01:24 AM
:roll: Yeah right. Trust me, that was rarely an issue. That was one advantage of having the voluptuous figure of a 12 yr old boy. :D

Works for Harrison Ford.

StoryG27
10-20-2005, 01:33 AM
I used to occasionally play tennis with a guy who was married. He was a very good-looking guy. There was plenty of tension and plenty of comments and suggestions on his part, so eventually I just told him I can't play tennis with you anymore. I just removed myself from the whole situation. But it was definitely tempting
Yeah, that is totaly different. Though at least you had the courage to do what you knew was right, even though the wrong seemed awfully enticing.

In which case, the real question is "can someone be friends with a person he wants to sleep with but can't?"

Very different question.
Ture. I think in this case, especially if it was obvious one wanted a sexual relationship and the other didn't or even they both wanted it but it wasn't right for one reason or another, it would be difficult to remain friends. Not impossible, but difficult.

Mike Coombes
10-20-2005, 01:43 AM
Men and women can be friends - but no matter how platonic, the male half will almost invariably wonder what it would be like to f*** your brains out.

It's a genetic imperative. We're not to blame.

mkcbunny
10-20-2005, 01:51 AM
I think that friends of either gender present some sort of attraction. We're attracted to them in some way, whether it's their sense of humor, mutual interests, or their incredibly potent phereomones. That's why we hang out with them. But that doesn't mean we're going to sleep with them all. Often, the little crushes are temporary and the relationship eventually settles into something familial.

My husband is my best friend. We were friends long before getting together, and we both buried the attraction thing until our other relationships fell by the wayside. Until that time, we genuinely tried to help each other solve the problems we were having with our respective mates. Then, one day, we were both single. That lasted for ... about a week. 17 years later, here we are... LOL.

Zonk
10-20-2005, 02:22 AM
Can a man and woman be just friends? Or is there always some tension there???

Of course, and not necessarily.

We've been indoctrinated to think differently, I suppose; proof of the pudding may be found in the existence of the friendships between men and women on this forum, or between siblings.
Of course this forum lacks the physical component of said relationships, but this would be true of a 'platonic' relationship IRL as well...

Relationships are what you choose to make them. I have a marvellous relationship with a woman my wife and daughters jokingly call 'my girlfriend'. We talk almost every day, have many common interests, and love each other dearly. We are not in love; that we reserve only for our spouses, and we take great delight in the freedom we have to have a 'friendship that grows in the breast, without the need for the huddlings of sex', as Stilgar said to Jessica.

I find the thought of physical intimacy with her about as repulsive as I would with my own sisters: we have chosen to love each other, but not as husband and wife.

There are many kinds of love. Perhaps our own language deceives us; we have but the one word and must modify it to signify erotic, filial, paternal love or whatever, whereas other languages have specific words for varieties of love (e.g. Koine Greek: storge, agape, philia.).

And we forget that love is a choice. We can choose to love someone in a particular way. The physical 'feelings' we experience are due (in part) to the release of adrenalin, endophins, etc., and are the same whatever the relationship, we just interpret them contextually.

If you choose to regard your male/female friend as just a friend, they will be, to you. The difficulty, as has been noted already, is in finding someone of the opposite sex who is able to reciprocate that type of relationship.

So, it's possible, but rare. There are good books that examine this theme, but usually resolve it into a romance (Emma).


:D:D:D

rhymegirl
10-20-2005, 02:28 AM
But Bunny, does your husband know about Vote_Bot???

mkcbunny
10-20-2005, 02:36 AM
But Bunny, does your husband know about Vote_Bot???
It was difficult to explain that particular obsession, but my husband is very understanding. He had a little thing for Emma Thompson a few years ago. I figure we're even.

paprikapink
10-20-2005, 03:16 AM
Gay men and women have plenty of same-sex friends that they don't have sex with. Or at least, with whom they haven't yet had sex. And may not ever.

Optimus
10-20-2005, 03:26 AM
If both of them are ugly, then yes.

If at least one of them is gay, then yes.

If one or both are married, then hopefully.

One of my best friends is a girl, however if the day ever came that she was attracted to me, she knows that I'd go out with her in a heartbeat. I doubt that day will ever come, though.

Men and women can always be "just friends," however a woman is fooling herself (if she's attractive) if she thinks the guy has no ulterior motives whatsoever.

That's just plain naive.

Pat~
10-20-2005, 03:53 AM
Optimus, that seems so...pessimistic. Is it really that cut and dry?

Gehanna
10-20-2005, 04:01 AM
I wonder, do eunuchs lose their desire with the loss of their ... attributes?

unthoughtknown
10-20-2005, 04:18 AM
however a woman is fooling herself (if she's attractive) if she thinks the guy has no ulterior motives whatsoever.

This is precisely why I cringe when my (hot) sister says she's hanging out with a bloke but "just as friends", and that she has told him exactly that, and he is fine with it. Uh-huh.

ChunkyC
10-20-2005, 04:34 AM
I wonder, do eunuchs lose their desire with the loss of their ... attributes?
The desire to eviscerate the one who made him a eunuch would probably be quite strong.

reph
10-20-2005, 04:51 AM
Interesting. I hadn't gotten the impression that the men were saying it would interfere with the friendship - merely that it would be there.
Then let me summarize my impression differently. Responses in this thread give me an idea that men, more than women, tend to want to go to bed with anyone of the other sex whom they know well. However, it's hard to tell whether some posts are joking or serious Ė the ones that say "Men will inevitably want you whether or not they let on."

paprikapink
10-20-2005, 05:38 AM
It's so easy to identify the male/testosterone aspect -- oh I simply must spread my seed around, I'm genetically programmed, yadda yadda yadda.

The other side is that women want to be wanted. Even if he's a good buddy (or a good buddy's husband!) and you wouldn't ever act on it, that desire to be desired is very strong.

robeiae
10-20-2005, 06:18 AM
Optimus, that seems so...pessimistic. Is it really that cut and dry?
Not to speak for Optimus, but:

Yes, it is. And no, Reph...I'm not joking.

Rob :)

Tiaga
10-20-2005, 07:02 AM
I wonder, do eunuchs lose their desire with the loss of their ... attributes?

If my wife ever saw what I write on some of these threads... I'll let you know!

watcher
10-20-2005, 07:55 AM
If they want to be they can...

of course, if we wanted Paradise we would have it too.

poetinahat
10-20-2005, 12:29 PM
I put forth the evidence:

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. ~Oscar Wilde
I love Wilde's work, and I wonder how much of what he said, was said purely for effect. In fact, I'd wager that effect would have been his second goal, after beauty. I'm not sure higher truth was anywhere on the list.

Furthermore, taking Wilde's advice on the intergender dynamic is like travelling to Australia to learn igloo-building.


...guys aren't able to be just friends without at least wondering from time to time what it would be like to have sex with her. ... according to the guys I know...all guys prowl, actively or mentally, at some point.

I think that's closer to true than untrue. But it's not a barrier to friendship. I'd say it's the contrary: the nature of friendship is not binary; it's on a non-linear continuum between total obliviousness and blind obsession.

But, it's all hypothetical and mostly theoretical; it doesn't necessarily make for tension. It does not equate to lust; it's just a curiosity. And there's nothing wrong with it. There's a big difference between noticing a passing thought and nurturing a lurid fantasy.

Gender - or sex, as we once called it - is a primary facet of our identity, within and without. Why deny it or negate it? Do you like me? Do you hate me? Either way, that's how you feel about me. Maleness is part of me, and it affects who I am. But I'm male wherever I am, not just in bed.

Try this: don't think about zebras.

How did you go? Exactly. But it doesn't mean you want to shag one!

rhymegirl
10-21-2005, 09:08 PM
After reading these posts and thinking about it...

I think the only way a man and woman can be "just friends" is if there is absolutely no physical chemistry. I had a guy friend in high school who was one of my very best friends. I thought of him like a brother. Talking to him was like talking to one of my girlfriends. No attraction at all. I had another friend like that in college. We talked about everything, we were both English majors, had a lot in common. But no attraction at all. At least, there was none on my part. Of course, I can't speak for them. But people can pick up on someone else's vibes. If the person is speaking to you the same way they'd speak to someone of their own gender, that's a clue that there's no interest. If they're flirting in any discernible way, you know there might be something there.

maestrowork
10-21-2005, 09:23 PM
I truly think that men and women could be friends, even if there is indeed sexual/romantic interest and tension there. Friendship doesn't immediately exclude sexuality. What these two "friends" do with those emotions and feelings is entirely up to them. I think flirting and some sexual tension are interesting in a friendship... ;)

rhymegirl
10-21-2005, 09:43 PM
I truly think that men and women could be friends, even if there is indeed sexual/romantic interest and tension there. Friendship doesn't immediately exclude sexuality. What these two "friends" do with those emotions and feelings is entirely up to them. I think flirting and some sexual tension are interesting in a friendship... ;)

I don't know about that. It's a two-way street. One person might think that way, but the other party might not. If one person is flirting and it's really quite harmless in their own mind, the other person might not take it that way. The other person might "interpret" the flirting and tension as meaning something else.

maestrowork
10-21-2005, 09:50 PM
I flirt with all of you, but you're my friends.... hmmmm, or are you trying to tell me something. ;)

rhymegirl
10-21-2005, 10:05 PM
For one thing, I think "talking" to people online is not at all the same as talking to them in person. There's a big space barrier there.

When I met someone years ago whom I'd only talked to on the phone and exchanged letters with, that was one thing. In person there was so much more. You see the way someone smiles, hear the sound of their laughter, the sound of their voice, their mannerisms. You can't tell any of that from words on a screen.

trumancoyote
10-21-2005, 11:14 PM
Generally speaking, the more I get to know some of my closer friends, the cooler they become; and it necessarily follows that the cooler they are, the more I want to have sex with them.

I want to have sex w/ quite a few of my friends, but it's never really gotten in the way of our friendship.

And I wouldn't care if it did. I mean, c'mon, free sex.

trumancoyote
10-21-2005, 11:17 PM
I wonder, do eunuchs lose their desire with the loss of their ... attributes?

That really depends on the eunuch. There are recorded cases in Chinese history wherein some eunuchs partially regrew their partses and were able to have sex -- but that was pretty rare, methinks.

Losing one's manhood ****s you up in so many ways other than libinously, though, that sex was probably the least of their concerns.

threedogpeople
10-22-2005, 12:53 AM
I know that a woman and a man can be "just friends". I have a very good friend that I have NEVER had a sexual thought about (he's not my type and I am not his). We've been friends for 20 years and I consider him the person that I could call in the middle of the night and he would drop everything and come to my aide.

Plus, I think it is getting easier to be friends with members of the opposite sex as we get older. It was much more difficult when I was 20...30 than it is now that I'm over 40.

Judy

astonwest
10-22-2005, 04:15 AM
It's so easy to identify the male/testosterone aspect -- oh I simply must spread my seed around, I'm genetically programmed, yadda yadda yadda.

Strangely, I don't think it's all about "spreading the seed"...

To answer the original questions:
yes, they can be just friends.
But there is always going to be some tension involved...of some type...at some point...

People constantly ask "what if?" It's only natural that they're going to move that particular magnifying glass over their close friendships with members of the opposite sex.

But as others have mentioned, it's all about how you respond to those tensions and maintain boundaries.

reph
10-22-2005, 05:28 AM
People constantly ask "what if?"
That's the part I don't get, despite similar statements by several posters here. I haven't formed attractions to, or fallen in love with, most men I've known. Physical appearance has been mentioned. I might evaluate someone as good-looking, but that by itself won't give me sexual thoughts about him.

For those who routinely ask "what if?": Here's a parallel question. Does having a wealthy friend make you muse about how nice it would be if he gave you some of his money?

astonwest
10-22-2005, 05:38 AM
For those who routinely ask "what if?": Here's a parallel question. Does having a wealthy friend make you muse about how nice it would be if he gave you some of his money?

Yes.

robeiae
10-22-2005, 06:39 AM
For those who routinely ask "what if?": Here's a parallel question. Does having a wealthy friend make you muse about how nice it would be if he gave you some of his money?
And yes.

Rob :)

reph
10-22-2005, 06:51 AM
Apropos of my previous post, I got a comment, privately, that I was confusing attraction and love with sex.

Well, not exactly. I was assuming that one or both had to be there to inspire interest in sex with a particular person.

astonwest
10-22-2005, 03:40 PM
I was assuming that one or both had to be there to inspire interest in sex with a particular person.
One would hope so...but then, these are strange times we live in...

pianoman5
10-22-2005, 03:58 PM
I do believe in the possibility of strictly platonic friendships, but I've noticed that they are often sorely tested when circumstances conspire to lift them to another level.

You know what I mean - that evening when by chance others are not around, the conversation gets unusually intimate and personal, and alcohol or certain herbal substances (tea, of course) are brought into play.

If there is any mutual attraction at all between the parties, it's "light the blue touch paper" and...