I have so many things to be thankful for in my life, but today just plain sucks. Someone make me laugh, please.
Today sucks
- Thread starter JoNightshade
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mirandashell
Banned
A woman trudged into her home after an exhausting day at work. Her little girl, seeing how tired her mother was, piped up, "I'll fix you a cup of tea, Mommy!" She scampered off. A little while later, she returned, carefully balancing a steaming cup of tea.
They sat on the sofa while the mother savored the tea. "Oh, that's such wonderful tea, darling, but tell me, how did you strain the tea?"
The little girl said with pride in her voice, "With the fly swapper, Mommy!"
At the horrified expression on her mother's face, the little girl said, "Oh, I didn't use the new one. I used the old one!"
Credit: Reader's Digest from 20-ish years ago.
They sat on the sofa while the mother savored the tea. "Oh, that's such wonderful tea, darling, but tell me, how did you strain the tea?"
The little girl said with pride in her voice, "With the fly swapper, Mommy!"
At the horrified expression on her mother's face, the little girl said, "Oh, I didn't use the new one. I used the old one!"
Credit: Reader's Digest from 20-ish years ago.
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Uh, never hit a man with glasses; baseball bats are much more effective.
That, and a bird once pooped in my mouth. So yes, I can authoritatively use the expression: this tastes like sh$@!
Lyx
That, and a bird once pooped in my mouth. So yes, I can authoritatively use the expression: this tastes like sh$@!
Lyx
Laughing babies to the rescue: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuREwMINm-Q
If that doesn't help...teh comedy!
They call him...Tater Salad! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7WLfY2455o
This chick is hilarity: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EnVYqriq5e8
Hot Pockets are gross and so is this bit: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkUbqmS9TWI
Every word in this bit is a swear word but d*** s*** m*********** it's humorous: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3_p8b2fwjk&feature=related
If that doesn't help...teh comedy!
They call him...Tater Salad! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7WLfY2455o
This chick is hilarity: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EnVYqriq5e8
Hot Pockets are gross and so is this bit: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkUbqmS9TWI
Every word in this bit is a swear word but d*** s*** m*********** it's humorous: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3_p8b2fwjk&feature=related
If a hipster falls in the forest, does he make a sound?
Yes, but you've probably never heard of it.
If that doesn't do the trick, How 'bout Cupcake?
Yes, but you've probably never heard of it.
If that doesn't do the trick, How 'bout Cupcake?
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A few weeks ago at work, when it was really quiet and there was noone around... I groped a mannequin.
And if that doesn't put a smile on your face, I don't know what will.
And if that doesn't put a smile on your face, I don't know what will.
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This cheers me up.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Not sure if this was attributed to an actual Southwest Airlines employee, or if it was only a fantasy, but...
Flight Attendant to passengers: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.[/FONT]"
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It's times like this I really wish Daria was available on DVD. That's one funny, sarcastic show, right there! The perfect medicine, IMO.
Lady Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I should flavour your coffee with poison.
Churchill: Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it.
Churchill: Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it.
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Augh!
Actually, at some point I plan on getting an All-Regions DVD player, so I'd be able to play that if I could afford the shipping.
Actually, at some point I plan on getting an All-Regions DVD player, so I'd be able to play that if I could afford the shipping.
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Heh. I made me throw up in my mouth a little.
Wait! Wait! I've got a better one.
Ready?
When I grow up, I want to be a smart, classy professional--just like Charlie Sheen.
Two nuts walked into a bar.
One was a salted.
Bah dum bah!
Two guys walk into a bar
funny, you think the second guy would have seen it.*
Thankyouthankyouverymuch
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was DEAD!
Have a good night, I'll be here all week, try the veal, and don't forget to tip your waitress.
*i told this same joke in another thread today. most i've used it in years.
One was a salted.
Bah dum bah!
Two guys walk into a bar
funny, you think the second guy would have seen it.*
Thankyouthankyouverymuch
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was DEAD!
Have a good night, I'll be here all week, try the veal, and don't forget to tip your waitress.
*i told this same joke in another thread today. most i've used it in years.
Hey, everybody knows the government was pissed that old Charlie was digging into 9/11 so they lobotomized his ass to discredit him. Common knowledge. Geez. Where's Diana when I need backup.
Lyx
Lyx
Thanks guys. It turns out it's impossible not to smile at cute babies. I thought it wouldn't work when mine is being such a complete pill, but apparently baby magic still works.
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I tell this joke all the time.
People think I'm nuts when I tell it.
But I love it anyway.
LOL, my dad used to say this alllllllll the time and I thought he made it up. I'm cracking up now to hear it from someone else.