Endearments

DeleyanLee · Feb 28, 2011

I admit to being straight, though my ex-husband is transsexual and I've had several friends who are lesbians. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be many gay guys in my neck of Fandom to ask this silly question of.

In my present MIP, I have two gay couples, one well-established, one just discovering their relationship. There are times when I find the dialogue would work better with an endearment than their name (like when one is going off to war and leaving his lover behind), but I find myself at a loss at what to use. The standard male-to-female terms (babe, honey, sweetheart, darling, etc) aren't cutting it and most of the terms my female friends use for their lovers are generally overly-cutsey (blech!) or descriptive of female-parts that also don't apply.

I know that some part of this is dependent on their personalities (two very alpha males (both heroes), one "gamma" male (has alpha and beta qualities) and a youth just coming to understand his sexuality (also a hero). Sorry for using Genre Romance terms, but they're quick and easy and I hope people understand them.

The best I've come up with is a generic "love" or "lover", which also sucks, but I can live with it.

Am I missing something or should I go with what I've got?

Thanks so much!

MacAllister · Feb 28, 2011

Since when are those supposedly male-to-female terms? None of them are gendered.

My mom calls my dad "sweetheart" and "babe" or whatever. My partners have always called me by standard endearments, and vice versa. I think your assumptions about how people use terms of endearment might be part of the problem, actually.

All the couples I know -- male couples and female couples, both -- use standard endearments: "Hon" "Sweetie" or whatever. Several couples I know use private-context/nickname endearments, as well, but those tend to be very specific to the relationship in question.

The Otter · Feb 28, 2011

I agree, I've never viewed honey, sweetie, et cetera, as strictly male-to-female endearments. Any of them could work. If those seem too mushy for the characters' personalities, love or lover also works.

not_HarryS · Feb 28, 2011

I agree with both Otter and Mac -- these terms are pretty standard, regardless of the relationship or even language/culture. (For example, in China we call each other "precious," which is the equivalent of "baby" in English -- even sounds similar.)

My boyfriend and I use baby, cutie, stinky, mister, baby boy... stuff like that. And then, of course, there are the personal ones that would probably need some background info: Bunny, Mr. Dilly-dally, Little, Mr. Ou, blah-blah. I wouldn't get too much caught up in the alpha and gamma male archetypes, though, because you run the risk of compartmentalizing gay men into heteronormative male-female roles, which is something that'll be immediately off-putting to gay readers.

I'd say think more on what they love about each other, and based on this come up with some fun anecdotes that may've introduced more unique terms of endearment into their relationship. For standard babies and honies, these to me jump out like swear words in text -- having too many in writing, regardless of how often people say them in real life, can seem really unnatural, baby.

Kitty Pryde · Feb 28, 2011

My gay friends call their husbands/boyfriends honey and sweetie and baby ALL the time. I read a good series with two really masculine somewhat straight-acting guys who had been together forever and called each other darlin'. It seemed realistic for them, and very sweet. However much your characters are tough guys, if they're in a serious relationship they still let down their guard to each other. I mean, maybe shmoopsie or sweetpatootie would be overdoing it, but i don't think there's anything wrong with guys using your average terms of endearment.

I'm a bit meh on "lover" and "love", it kinda sounds like the kind of thing that can only be used with a straight face in bad fanfic.

not_HarryS · Feb 28, 2011

Kitty Pryde said:
I'm a bit meh on "lover" and "love", it kinda sounds like the kind of thing that can only be used with a straight face in bad fanfic.

Yeah, or by a 70-year-old British woman

Sydneyd · Feb 28, 2011

I call my bf Sweety sugar funny furry bear.

<--this is a joke

I like Mac's suggestion, find something specific to your characters, a funny moment where one did something sweet/funny/loving...if you explain the term in backstory (or better, in a scene prior to the term's use) it would work and be better than something generic. Although, generic terms work too if thats what you want.

Gale Haut · Feb 28, 2011

I don't like using those pet-names either in the same kind of context described by the OT. And now I'm wondering if I have some sort of unresolved issues...

JohnnyGottaKeyboard · Mar 1, 2011

DeleyanLee said:
...(babe, honey, sweetheart, darling, etc) aren't cutting it...

The best I've come up with is a generic "love" or "lover", which also sucks, but I can live with it.

Well, speaking from 40 years experience as a gay man, I can tell you I have been called "babe", "hon" (not honey), "sweetie" and "darling" by various multi-daters and boyfriends. The current beau is Southern and the closest thing we have to pet names is "Dude", which we share.

I was in a long term relationship with a career army man (captain promoted to major). He was a tank commander--no, I am not bragging--and he liked "dear", though he usually managed to make it sound sardonic.

I have never been seriously called "love" nor "my love" nor "lover" (at least as an address), and can't imagine it to be honest.

I had another live-in boyfriend that I called Pookie.

It helps I think that I tend to date sardonic men, with well-developed senses of humor. But you also might want to think about why people give one another pet names. Most, I will opine, are quite situational and therefore fluid. Also, as the impetuses would tend to be identical between both straight and gay couples, the vocabulary will be more similar than different.

Hope that helps.

shadowwalker · Mar 1, 2011

I think you have to look at the characters for a clue to endearments. Are they the kind of people who are comfortable with "honey" or "sweetie" or would they go more for "sport" or (as mentioned) "dude"?

Becky Black · Mar 1, 2011

I'm a big fan of more original, specific ones arising from some private joke between the characters. It feels more personal to them. The bigger and tougher or more formal and posh the guy the more fun to be had from some silly pet name - though they would generally be avoided in public!

Maybe I'm just prejudiced but "baby" to me translates as "there's a good chance I'll say the wrong name, so let's stick with baby."

DeleyanLee · Mar 1, 2011

Thanks, everyone! I really appreciate it.

I'm running by my own experience, which is fairly limited on all accounts, which is why I thought I'd ask. The vast majority of my friends who I can ask the question of don't use them either.

I'll have to muse about this and see what I can draw out of their personalities as I get to know the characters better.

Becky Black said:
Maybe I'm just prejudiced but "baby" to me translates as "there's a good chance I'll say the wrong name, so let's stick with baby."

Oh, totally agree! Especially since "baby" is the "I want to be generic" word used in pretty much every love song ever written.

scarletpeaches · Mar 1, 2011

not_HarryS said:
Yeah, or by a 70-year-old British woman

Or people from certain parts of England.

"All roight, moi luverrr?"

Endearments

DeleyanLee

Writing Anarchist

MacAllister

'Twas but a dream of thee

The Otter

Friendly Neighborhood Mustelid

not_HarryS

Peen Copter Aficionado

Kitty Pryde

i luv you giant bear statue

not_HarryS

Peen Copter Aficionado

Sydneyd

Aye, ye scurvy dog!

Gale Haut

waxing digital artistic

JohnnyGottaKeyboard

Who let this guy in...?

shadowwalker

empty-nester!

Becky Black

Writing my way off the B Ark

DeleyanLee

Writing Anarchist

scarletpeaches