If your SO didn't approve...

I'm probably not your target audience for this question as I'm single but...assuming I met someone who was not supportive (or approving, whatever) of my writing, he wouldn't be my S/O for very long. It may sound like I'm saying "My way or the highway," but that's not entirely accurate.

Yes, writing has been a part of me for far, far longer than a serious relationship would be - I've been writing for over twenty-five years so my creative side has a quarter-century head start on any marriage.

However, what I mean is, writing is such an integral part of my make-up that any man (or woman) who made his/her disapproval/lack of support obvious would be snubbing something that's practically in my DNA, and thereby insulting me.

Approval/support isn't really the issue for me here. Sheer interest is essential too. If a S/O took the attitude, "Okay, I'll support you and I approve, but meh, I'm not that interested in reading your books," I'd feel dismissed.

I'm as protective of my writing as a more maternal woman might be of her children. "Love me, love my kids," becomes "Love me, love my writing," in my case. It's non-negotiable.

I did discuss writing with my husband--but not until I made the decision to write full time and only then because of the initial hit our income would take. My husband would never consider telling me NOT to write, and by the same token I would never think of asking anyone's approval of what I do. Fortunately, my husband is supportive of pretty much everything I do, and never more so than when I started writing full time.

I needed to stay on my wife's side for sure. I already had a time consuming hobby in marathon running when I decided I also wanted to seriously pursue writing. I did need to re-assure her that there would be time for us before I engaged in this endeavor.

So in that respect, it's probably a good idea to make sure you and your SO are spending enough time with each other before you tack on a time consuming hobby.

Queen of Swords said:

I was wondering, though - for anyone here, did you need your SO's encouragement or permission to write? And if your SO wasn't enthusiastic, how did you handle that?

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Permission? I can't even relate to that idea. My friends - my SO is my best friend - support and encourage me.

As it happens, I'm married to a dedicated workaholic screenwriter, so not only does he support me, but in fact kicks my butt when he sees me procrastinating. I'd say I've got too much encouragement there.

For which, jokes aside, I'm absolutely grateful. To be honest I'm a tough nut, and would never date, let alone marry, someone that would not make an effort to encourage me or, like peaches said, show some sheer interest to what I do.

I've been writing since the age of 16, so as you may imagine, I've written through times I've been single, had a boyfriend, an occasional lover, and the long-term relationship that has thankfully ended in marriage.

So yes. My husband's support and encouragement are indeed essential, in the sense that they give me yet more inspiration and motivation to write.

Queen of Swords said:

On another discussion board I frequent, a writer posted that even though she wanted very badly to write, she made sure she had her husband's support in doing so. If her husband had not supported it, she would not have written a book, because she valued peace in her family more than writing.

I have to say, that raised a few of my hackles - "support", in that context, sounded too much like "approval", and there was no indication that this was a reciprocal arrangement. In other words, that he needed her support before he embarked on a hobby or vocation. But I decided not to get involved in what could have been a heated discussion (yeah, surprise, surprise, but it's been a long day and I'm tired).

I was wondering, though - for anyone here, did you need your SO's encouragement or permission to write? And if your SO wasn't enthusiastic, how did you handle that?

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It had to be a joint decision because I gave up a very well paid job to stay at home, look after my kids and write.

If my SO did not support me in every way in what I want to do and has always encouraged me in every little thing, even when it's clear it's a BP obsession... (okay he puts his foot down sometimes but it's VVVVV rare)

If he didn't he would not be my SO. I love him because he supports me. If he didn;t, I'd kick him into touch.

You are with your other half because they want you to be happy. If they want to deny you the chance to do something that would make you happy...

I'm sure you can follow that logic

However, I do realise that this is..difficult in many cases. In that case it gets v fucking a) difficult and b) complicated. But my best advice would be..get a guy who cares what you want to do.

PS Old Man says; she says nice things about me now, but she beats me up while she's asleep...

I agree that it would be important to me if there was to be some kind of financial impact as a result of my decision, but otherwise, no. I would not seek my partner's approval, although his support and encouragement would mean a lot to me.

Assuming I had a partner, which I don't.

My problem is the usual reaction of guys to my genre. I don't want to hide it, but when men find out what I write, well...it attracts the wrong kind of attention.

I wouldn't be writing for publication if it weren't for my husband's encouragement.

I always wrote...but I was neurotic about letting anyone see what I had written. I would hide and write small snippets, and I would literally burn it when I was done. I couldn't stand the idea of putting myself out there like that and being judged. I was the same way about singing; I would sometimes sing if I knew no one else could hear me, but even then, I cringed with embarrassment more often than not.

When I was pregnant with my first child, my husband said, "You know, he's going to want you to sing him to sleep, no matter how bad you think you are. You'd better start practicing." And so I did.

Then he said, "You know, he's going to want to hear your stories, you'd better start writing them down, so you'll remember them." And I did.

And when that first novel (CRAP!) was done, my husband (an avid reader, a writer, and an English teacher who definitely knew better) praised it to the heavens and insisted I seek publication...while starting on my next novel. He always assumed there'd be a next.

He pulled me out of my shell. He freed me to write, to sing, to dance.

And in general, if there were any hobby of mine that he disapproved of, I would have to seriously consider his reasons. If it were a time thing, I'd wonder if there were some way I could shorten the time necessary. If it were a safety thing, we'd have to compromise. If he didn't think it was "proper" or "girly" enough or any such nonsense...well, he wouldn't be the man he is, and I wouldn't love him so madly.

Queen of Swords said:

Just curious, SP - what if the S/O didn't enjoy the M/M subject matter? Some guys don't. Would that make him not the right guy for you?

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He wouldn't have to be really into it, but asking how the book was going, that sort of thing...

If someone was heavily against it to the point even talking about it made him uncomfortable, though, then yes, I would have to seriously rethink. Being so uncomfortable with M/M or any other aspect of what I write would be a red flag for deeper issues, I think.

I write about things that I'm comfortable with (BDSM, for instance). If such made a guy feel really icky, it'd show our, uh...preferences...were poles apart.

The bottom line is, sexual compatibility is vital for me to be happy in a relationship. At the very least not treating my subject matter as "Ewww! How could you write about that?"

Which probably sounds judgemental, but then...aren't we all judgemental when we look for a partner, whether it be with regard to looks, job, maternal/paternal feelings and suchlike?

far better to be honest upfront than waste time and end up disappointed, IMO!

The perfect solution for me is to marry a bi guy and send him out with his boyfriend to do research on my behalf. Everyone's happy.

I don't have the slightest interest in the work that my SO does or the hobbies he pursues. They're not my interests, they're his. I don't expect him to be interested in my pasttimes. It's nice when he is, but I don't expect it. He is, however, very kind and supportive of what I do. We do have a few things we do together and we enjoy those pursuits.

I've dated a few times where the other person openly laughed at my interest in writing. They didn't last long.

Queen of Swords said:

Heh. Don't worry - I didn't get into Canada just so I could be subservient to a man again.

Personally, there won't be peace in the family if I can't write!

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Thing is..

Thing is, you are with your man/lady cos you love each other, right? That means you want each other to be happy, and satisfied and stuff. Now, if that means everything else goes outta the window, then they have a right to be upset. But if you aren't neglecting them by normal standards( I realise this is the tricky bit- normal standards) then...if they have a problem, then it is a problem.

I write. A lot. My OM supports me totally and I know I'm lucky. But even if he didn't as long as I get my work/wifely/motherly chores done(you know, like talk to the family every now and again and stuff...)...what has he got to complain about? That I don't watch Saturday Kitchen with him? That I don't do everything with him? If it was that bad...I would go. Any decent realtionship needs space. Mine is my writing ( and he does his stuff then). Any relationship that is threatened by one of the partners wanting a bit of me time is not a good relationship.

After that..like I say, it gets difficult and complicated. But whoever you are talking about needs to know...they are allowed to have a life that is not tied to their SO. And not only are they allowed, it's a good thing.

Jeez, we're not asking for a piece on the side!

My husband practically forced me to start my novel...not really, but he was mightily enthusiastic about it. There have been oportunities in his life that he let slip by because we had children; an intvitation to try out for the Olympics for martial arts was one of them. No, he won't let me give up, and he has more faith in my writing than I do. Well, he did get through my 500 pages in less than a week, and that's pretty good for a dislexic who reads to put himself to sleep.

I might not write without support because I'd probably end up too insecure to try (or at least too insecure to submit), but I can't imagine being with someone who would actually forbid me to write. As long as it's not dangerous or going to jeopardize the relationship, I don't see how either of us has any right to tell the other what hobbies we can or can't do. Now, I could understand if a hobby is causing financial problems or cutting into time together or something asking someone to cut back, but to say "I refuse to let you play basketball?" or any other such thing? I'd never do that, whether I was interested in it or not.

I'm really lucky, though, in that my boyfriend is probably the most supportive person I know. He enjoys my work, encourages me, listens to me cry when rejections get me down, gives me hugs, and even helps me come up with awesome plot things. Hell, he just gave me a badass development the other day that I probably wouldn't have thought of on my own. I'm super lucky to have him around.

IdiotsRUs said:

But whoever you are talking about needs to know...they are allowed to have a life that is not tied to their SO. And not only are they allowed, it's a good thing.

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Allowed, sure. But some people don't want to have separate lives.

My husband leaves early in the morning, often before I'm awake, and doesn't come home until after six. We have two little ones, so we have just enough time to cook, eat, clean-up, bathe the kids, get their teeth brushed, get them in their PJ's, and sing or read them to sleep. When he comes home with a ton of grading or other paperwork to do, I have to do all the aforementioned alone.

As such, our weekends are the only time we have to really enjoy one another's company--but also the only time we have to get anything other than basic survival stuff done. Projects and get-togethers and all sorts of things are pressed into the weekends. We never feel like we have enough time together.

Neither of us are willing to be apart if we don't have to. If one of us is going to the dentist, the other's going too, if only to sit in the chairs outside and wait. If one of us wants to do karate, then the other will come along and do it, too. Otherwise, we miss each other too much.

Right now, on Fridays our friends come over for gaming night. On Saturdays we go to Amtgard together, then to eat, then to teach karate (we both teach the class, side by side,) then do our shopping for the week. On Sundays, the whole family bundles up goes to the park...the little ones play and the big ones practice parkour. Then we're back to our Monday-Friday grind.

Sometimes we do different things in the same room and it's nice...like he'll play playstion while I write, or we'll read separate books. But if he's playing playstation upstairs, and I'm writing downstairs, I start to miss him, and he starts to miss me. Neither of us enjoy ourselves like we should.

Yeah I think it's a little weird for anyone to have to ask permission of their spouse to pursue a hobby. I've been a crazy writer forever, so my husband knew what he was getting into, and he supports my passion - as I support his creative endeavors. We both work and make sacrifices to help each other pursue our dreams. He's a game programmer and dreams of having his own company someday... I dream of selling a book for a huge figure so I can finance his company!

I do think that a lot of people are "wary" of writing in a way that's different than other hobbies, simply because it is by nature so personal. I could see a husband worrying that he is going to show up in his wife's work in a way that insults or belittles him. Yeah, insecure, but I could understand it.

The original question just sounds ludicrous to me. I've never asked anyone for permission to follow my dreams, and I never will.

But if his wife would write him into a book in a way that's insulting or belittling, there are other issues going on that have nothing to do with writing.