Is it okay to not like your parents?

sheadakota

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Or am I doomed to the eternal pits of hell?

Seriously after all these years I am finally realizing I just don't like them- now they never beat me, abused me, neglected me - anything like that, I think they did they best they knew how to do, but quite frankly they sucked at being parents-
I will be 50 this year and I guess I am re-evaluating my life and this is what I came up with and yeah I feel a little guilty over the fact but I can't change it-
My Mother was always a spoiled child and she is an equally spoiled adult- she has never done anything that did not benifit her in the end- she never went to Any of my school activites - plays, sports, hell she even missed my graduation- first communion and confirmation- we lived only three houses away from my church and elementry school and a block from my HS- they missed my confirmation because they wanted to watch the last part of a mini-series (before VCRs)
My dad was/is an enabler. he created the spoiled monster that my mother is today and as far as I'm concerned he can have her-
He is an okay guy, but par for his generation his idea of being a good father was to provide the essentials for his family-food clothing shelter- which he did-
They are both 80 and in poor health and my sisters think I should resolve my feelings for them while they are both still alive- personally I'm okay with not doing that- my mother is hugely passive aggressive and the times I have tried to tell her the times she had broken my heart, my spirit, my soul as a child she always turned it around that I was persecuting her- she would cry and slamm her bedroom door- can you say denial?

anyway the point of this post was simple purging and was initiated by a comment my mother recently made-
she read my book- told me how much she enjoyed it and then said- "you know I've been right there with you through this journey" (of trying to get published)

Bull- she never even knew I was trying to get published - I gave her a rough draft of my first MS when I was 17- she never read it and never even realized when I took it back- THAT change our realationship forever- but that comment made me see red-

Okay- I'm done and thanks for reading- I am now purged:e2violin:
 
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Perfectly okay. I don't see why we should have to love or even like someone just because we're blood related.

I would take my friends over my family any day - they're the family I chose.
 

KTC

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I have 44 years under my belt of not liking my parents. They started it. There is no hell.
 

jennontheisland

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Perfectly okay. I don't see why we should have to love or even like someone just because we're blood related.

I would take my friends over my family any day - they're the family I chose.
This.

I realized a while ago that if my parents weren't my parents, there's no way in hell I'd spend time with them. I haven't talked to either in years. Not worth the effort or the hassle.
 
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For the record, when I talk about 'my dad', I mean my stepdad, but we get on - better than my mother and I ever did, but then that wouldn't be hard. So he's my dad, but not officially.

There's no-one in my family who'd grieve me too much if they weren't around any more, to be honest. In fact with a few, I'd be bloody relieved. Especially my mother. She hasn't had the good grace to die yet, but at least she pissed off to another country years back.
 

CheyElizabeth

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Mine are pretty decent people and I've never liked them.
 

Selah March

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Your mother and mine should do a spa day together.

I don't like my mom either. It doesn't seem to be ruining my life. It was a relief to admit it to myself and let go of all the anger and angst I had surrounding it.

As to burning in hell, I figure God knows her at least as well I as I do, and He understands.
 

Ambrosia

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*bolding mine*

Or am I doomed to the eternal pits of hell?

Seriously after all these years I am finally realizing I just don't like them- now they never beat me, abused me, neglected me - anything like that,

That is not what you say later in your post.

My Mother was always a spoiled child and she is an equally spoiled adult- she has never done anything that did not benifit her in the end- she never went to Any of my school activites - plays, sports, hell she even missed my graduation- first communion and confirmation- we lived only three houses away from my church and elementry school and a block from my HS- they missed my confirmation because they wanted to watch the last part of a mini-series (before VCRs)
My dad was/is an enabler.

Narcissism. Neglect of your emotional well-being.

my mother is hugely passive aggressive and the times I have tried to tell her the times she had broken my heart, my spirit, my soul as a child she always turned it around that I was persecuting her- she would cry and slamm her bedroom door-

Sounds like emotional abuse to me. If your mother broke your heart, your spirit, and your soul that is saying a lot. It is ok to look at her toxic effects on you and name it for what it was, intentional or not. I am sorry your dad enabled her and didn't protect you from her toxicity.

Yes, it is quite alright that you don't like your parents. You get to choose your own feelings and what you do with those feelings. They are your feelings and you have a right to them. Good luck with this issue. It is not an easy one.
 

sheadakota

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You can't change the past. But you can make the most of the time you have left with them.
I know this is what I should do and it's what my sisters want me to do, but you know what, I'm okay with not making the most of that time. Because to me to pretend that everything is just water under the bridge and all is well, feels like hypocrosy to me and I can't do it. I would love to sit down with my mother and tell her how I really feel - all I want is an acknowledgement that what she did and how she raised me was wrong but I know that will never happen.
Everytime I visit them with my children I feel as if I am acting. Of all my siblings my brother understands, my sisters think I am being selfish because they have forgiven my parents and think I am terrible because I can't just let the past be.
 

shadowwalker

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You know, every time I hear about someone who hates their parents (and to me, that's how this came across - not just 'not liking them', but feeling anger towards them) I think about my mom. She and I fought tooth and nail most of our lives. The only time we really got along was after she had a stroke and ended up with dementia. Then she died and for a while, all I felt was the anger. Then I started remembering all the little moments, before the stroke, when she showed me that, despite all the fights, she really did love me. She just didn't have the skills (because of her own past) to show me. And I had to admit that it takes two to fight. We were both trying, I see that now, but we were just such different people we couldn't cross that barrier. But I loved her and she loved me. I'm able to see that that was the thing I should remember.
 

sheadakota

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You know, every time I hear about someone who hates their parents (and to me, that's how this came across - not just 'not liking them', but feeling anger towards them) I think about my mom. She and I fought tooth and nail most of our lives. The only time we really got along was after she had a stroke and ended up with dementia. Then she died and for a while, all I felt was the anger. Then I started remembering all the little moments, before the stroke, when she showed me that, despite all the fights, she really did love me. She just didn't have the skills (because of her own past) to show me. And I had to admit that it takes two to fight. We were both trying, I see that now, but we were just such different people we couldn't cross that barrier. But I loved her and she loved me. I'm able to see that that was the thing I should remember.
At the risk of sounding like I'm defending myself- and maybe to clarify- I absolutely do not hate them- I just don't like the people they are. there is a difference I think.
I wish them no ill will. Does my mother love me? I'm sure she does, do I love her? yes. she's my mother, but she would not be someone I would chose to associate with if she were not my mother.
 
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I don't buy the "doing the best they can" excuse. That's all it is - an excuse.

My mother used to yell at me, "I was only eighteen when I had you!" and I always snapped back, "You haven't been eighteen for a very, very long time."

People can know they're a shitty parent and still be a shitty parent. They can claim to want to do better but do nothing to show that. Why? Because it's easier to be lazy than to change.

I try to remember all the things my mother did to show she loved me and...nope. Coming up empty, here. Any time she was nice to me, it was to prove to others how caring she was. She was an actress, but not a very good one.

She sure showed her true nature in private, though.

So, when she's gone, I'll piss on her grave, throw a party and wonder if she's wearing asbestos underpants, 'cause it's pretty hot where she's going.
 

Vito

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I lost both of my parents. Dad died of a heart attack when I was in elementary school; mom lost her struggle to cancer a few years ago. I always loved and liked both of them, effortlessly, and still do. They weren't perfect, but hey...neither am I.

A perfect match, I guess.
 

Stlight

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Your mother and mine should do a spa day together.

I don't like my mom either. It doesn't seem to be ruining my life. It was a relief to admit it to myself and let go of all the anger and angst I had surrounding it.

As to burning in hell, I figure God knows her at least as well I as I do, and He understands.


This.

If you had a nice mother, one where a search for good memories brings some to you, you really haven't been in a place to understand.

As Ambrosia said, this is a case of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is hard to recognize, particularly by the victim.

Stockholm syndrom doesn't always take. Sometimes you win through to freedom, embrace it.
 

RobJ

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I know this is what I should do and it's what my sisters want me to do, but you know what, I'm okay with not making the most of that time. Because to me to pretend that everything is just water under the bridge and all is well, feels like hypocrosy to me and I can't do it.
Yeah, I felt the same towards my mother, exactly the same. I had the opportunity to discuss things with her before she died and didn't take it. In the years since her death, though, I've thought about that and wondered whether I should have acted differently. Something else, too, is that in the years since her death I've found out an awful lot more about my mother's life, what she went through, what made her the way she was, and it doesn't make pleasant reading. I know her a lot better now than I did while she was alive, and my opinion of her has changed.

Not that she was a terrible mother to me, mind, or that I was ill-treated while growing up, because that's not the case, far from it. But there were issues, particularly in the later years of her life.

I would love to sit down with my mother and tell her how I really feel - all I want is an acknowledgement that what she did and how she raised me was wrong but I know that will never happen.
Everytime I visit them with my children I feel as if I am acting. Of all my siblings my brother understands, my sisters think I am being selfish because they have forgiven my parents and think I am terrible because I can't just let the past be.
I think you have to be true to yourself and to your own conscience. You don't have to act how your sisters wish you to, or anyone else for that matter. There's no sense of what you 'should do', it's for you to do what you feel comfortable with. But right now, you still have an opportunity to make a difference with the time you have left with your parents. When they're gone you'll no longer have that opportunity.

I'm about the same age as you. My mother died 20 years ago. I think time has made me more tolerant and more forgiving. If she was in the hospice tonight, I think I would go and have that talk with her.

But that's me. Our experiences are different, and you have to do what feels right for you.
 

Caitlin Black

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Growing up, my parents used to have huge screaming matches about often trivial shit. Early on, I chose a side - my mum.

Now, some 15 years later since the fighting started, my parents have been seperated for about 10 years. But I still don't like my dad. In my childhood, I had to blame one of them - I wasn't mature enough to realise that they just weren't compatible, and were both emotionally at fault with the way they handled that incompatibility.

But the reasons I chose not to like my dad still hold somewhat true, even after 15 years. He can be really mean, selfish, and he is emotionally very needy. I would perhaps call it co-dependence. Since their break up, mum has dated 1 guy for about 6 months, and is otherwise happy enough to just be on her own. Dad, however, has had a string of girlfriends, starting pretty much as soon as my parents split. He has married the nicest one a couple of years ago, and fortunately they are more compatible, so dad's negative side doesn't come to the surface very often.

But he can't survive without someone else in his life. That much is clear.

2 days ago, he rang me. The first thing he said was, "Don't you check your phone?" I had no idea what he was talking about, perhaps thinking that he had been trying to call all day and I only just picked up. But he was talking about a message he sent me on NYE, wishing me a Happy New Year.

I hadn't seen it until sometime on the 2nd of January, so I didn't reply. Nevertheless, during our conversation he was obviously hurt, and waiting for me to make it all better. I don't need that shit.

And what was to stop him from actually calling me, instead of sending a message, on NYE?

Anyway, I still have some issues with him, not least of which is the fact that I can never have a real conversation with him.

But I don't dislike him enough to cut him out of my life.

*shrug*
 

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You're totally allowed to notice if they are rude, mean, etc. Pretty much like you notice it with anyone else, I figure. We're not children anymore. I really do spend more time with my family because they are family, but frankly I think my sister and brother are so incredibly difficult to please that I prefer not to see/speak to them as often as they like. Meh. I don't like mean people.

I love them, and when they make the effort to be nice for a bit, I enjoy spending time with them.

I do think you should try to take it as it comes and forget the past. They're either being obnoxious now or they aren't. The past is no longer their responsibility, imho.
 

1000th Sun

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People say to stick to family because they're blood. I stick to those I choose as my family; those who truly have a bond with me. Respect is earned by me and not a right because you're apart of the same lineage. So yes, it's okay to not like your parents.