Am puzzled by so much 'love'

CACTUSWENDY said:

Now that she is not with him any more he is almost beside himself with grief. He wonders around like in a daze. He told one neighbor that he would do anything to have her back.

I'm sure you have all met/known someone like this. I just don't understand how two people can live that way their whole life and 'be happy'. This is a puzzle to me. How does this happen? Are we so 'needy' that abuse in any form is better than nothing?

Any thoughts on this?

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I got nothin' and yes I've seen similar situations.

Here's another one that puzzles me.

A husband who was devastated when his wife died, is dating a woman six months later. A year later, the woman has moved in, and they marry.

I have to agree with regdog. My mom and stepfather were the same way. I always wondered why they stayed together. When my stepdad died, Mom was beside herself. (After the shock, she's doing fine.)

My grandparents yelled at each other all the time. Annoyed the hell out of each other. They also finished each other's sentences, knew where to find what the other was looking for and were best friends. They knew each other inside out.

You don't know about the trials and tribulations your neighbors overcame together or the circumstances that brought them together in the first place. You only heard the loud or grouchy stuff.

I don't think it's so much as being "needy." There could actually be a number of reasons they argued so much. A shotgun wedding because or a child or what not. Or simply because they fell in love. No one is perfect and sometimes they will argue about the petty things but this is probably the only way they know how to handle it.

I'm quite sure when I get older I'm going to be pissed at a lot of things. Aching bones, those damn youngsters got it so easy, blah blah.

In their situation what was seemed bad and arguing was just the way they showed there love and attention to the other. Why do I feel like I'm not making any sense at all...

Some people don't know how to show the soft side publicly. My parents were like that. I wonder if some of it doesn't stem from the time period they grew up in (30's & 40's).

I knew my parents loved each other but their personalities were so totally different, they often bickered and were rarely affectionate. When we were growing up, they were not really visibly demonstrative to each other or to us. But again, we knew they loved us, they just didn't physically show it.

About 11 - 12 years ago, Dad started having the symptoms of Alzheimers and throughout the disease, mom never left his side...nearly wore herself out taking care of him until the doctor almost forced her to put him in a nursing home last September after he fell. In February it will be a year that he's gone. She was devoted to him and even when he couldn't remember who any of his kids were, he'd still recognize her and would tell everyone he didn't know what he would do without her... At the end, he would say one of two phrases to describe her, "There's the drill sargeant" or "She's my angel." Even though they still bickered and aggravated one another, we started to see that part of their relationship get to be less and the affectionate side grew. I think because they realized time was getting shorter for them.

Medievalist said:

I got nothin' and yes I've seen similar situations.

Here's another one that puzzles me.

A husband who was devastated when his wife died, is dating a woman six months later. A year later, the woman has moved in, and they marry.

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I think this comes from a fear of being alone.

CACTUSWENDY said:

A few days ago one of my neighbors passed away. She was in her late 70's and died in her sleep from a heart attack. She and her hubby had been married for many years.

I have known this couple for around 20 years and during that whole time neither of them ever had a nice word to say about the other one. She would yell and scream at him like he was a dog. He had a real good job until he retired and when he was home all the time he was a grump. He was never very friendly that I could ever see. She was a chatterbox. All the time yakking about nothing.

Now that she is not with him any more he is almost beside himself with grief. He wonders around like in a daze. He told one neighbor that he would do anything to have her back.

I'm sure you have all met/known someone like this. I just don't understand how two people can live that way their whole life and 'be happy'. This is a puzzle to me. How does this happen? Are we so 'needy' that abuse in any form is better than nothing?

Any thoughts on this?

Click to expand...

As someone who was the child of such a relationship and is kinda in one very much like that, I'll tell you a little something.

For one, after a few years, couples can dispense with the niceties. Seeing the flaws in your lover and calling them on it, not to mention letting others knows about it if they ask, is as much (if not more so) "love" as the crooning and petting kind. It's one of those things where you look at your spouse and not see them with rose-colored shades on. You look at him (or her), inside and out, upside, downside, sideways... and to you, even though they drive you batshit crazy sometimes, you "love" every bit of them flaws and all. You take them as they are, even if you call them on their bullshit privately and publicly. I don't bash my husband, ever, but I'm not shy about telling him where to shove his opinion... no matter where we are. We could be shopping in Kroger and I'd tell him he was the biggest f*cking idiot on the planet if he thought he was going to spend 8 bucks on a big jar of cheese puffs that would go stale before we eat them.

That's "love" as it is romantically concerned to most people, baby. When you can tell someone they are f*ucking idiot and they can laugh at you and call you a bitch... that's "love".

Medievalist said:

I got nothin' and yes I've seen similar situations.

Here's another one that puzzles me.

A husband who was devastated when his wife died, is dating a woman six months later. A year later, the woman has moved in, and they marry.

Click to expand...

You know what they say... best way to get over an old love is to find a new one.

"That's "love" as it is romantically concerned to most people, baby. When you can tell someone they are f*ucking idiot and they can laugh at you and call you a bitch... that's "love"."


For that alone, I give you rep points!!! You just described my marriage! LOL

lizbeth dylan said:

"That's "love" as it is romantically concerned to most people, baby. When you can tell someone they are f*ucking idiot and they can laugh at you and call you a bitch... that's "love"."


For that alone, I give you rep points!!! You just described my marriage! LOL

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My marriage too. I don't even get mad when he calls me a bitch either. It's a high compliment LOL. "Why yes, dearn (my word for dear one) I AM a bitch, thank you so very much for noticing." He even says it with a kiss at times.

Sometimes, people say such things because it's a private joke between them too. My husband and I do this as well. It sounds like we are arguing something fierce, but we're really laughing at our own little private thing.

EFCollins said:

My marriage too. I don't even get mad when he calls me a bitch either. It's a high compliment LOL. "Why yes, dearn (my word for dear one) I AM a bitch, thank you so very much for noticing." He even says it with a kiss at times.

Sometimes, people say such things because it's a private joke between them too. My husband and I do this as well. It sounds like we are arguing something fierce, but we're really laughing at our own little private thing.

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This is true, too. People would comment on us 'fighting' but we would be doing a bickering/banter mashup thing that was playful, not hurtful. It just sounded terrible.

Yeah, people are different What would be sad to you might be how they roll, and they might be totally fine with that. Maybe they both enjoy being able to let their hair down and be rude and find most folks too uptight for their taste. There's no telling.

tjwriter said:

This is true, too. People would comment on us 'fighting' but we would be doing a bickering/banter mashup thing that was playful, not hurtful. It just sounded terrible.

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*nods*

I think I've told this story before, but my DH and I were poking at each other rather mercilessly right before we stood up to say our vows in front of the JP. He asked us if we were sure we wanted to get married, and he was totally serious, lol.

We still do that, but you know, it means nothing. What matters is that we are there for each other, we work shit out when it hits the fan, and there's no one I'd rather spend time with, and vice versa. Love isn't hearts and flowers 24/7 for most folks. If you both feel good about and in your relationship, that's all that matters.

So maybe these folks liked to do the same. *shrug* And FWIW, I've told my husband that if I die before he does, I totally expect him to find someone else. Not at the funeral, lol, but six months later? Wouldn't bother me. I'm GONE, and I don't want him to be alone and lonely, passing up an opportunity to be with someone he thinks is wonderful because people might gossip. To hell with that. Life's too short to make yourself unhappy or lonely just to conform.

Maryn said:

My theory is that he has no personal relationships which are emotionally close. On retirement, friends from work fall away as the one thing he had in common is no more. Offspring, if any, are out leading their own busy lives, and don't want to visit when the verbal abuse flies overhead on a daily basis.

So while the relationship was pretty bad, it was a relationship, and now he doesn't have one. He's no longer important or necessary to anybody, not even as the target for their rage and frustrations.

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Bolding mine. The above is so true. I knew a couple like that, married many decades. When the wife died, the husband was beside himself. He died within the year.

Most likely there was love, at the beginning. But "life" probably got in the way; a lot of bad stuff they maybe couldn't handle. And back then, no one--or hardly anyone--went for counseling. Or got divorced.

Yes, life is too short.

To sum up:

Well, there's a rose in a fisted glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you can't be with the one you love, honey
Love the one you're with...

Cranky said:

... Love isn't hearts and flowers 24/7 for most folks. If you both feel good about and in your relationship, that's all that matters.

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^ Truth

...I've told my husband that if I die before he does, I totally expect him to find someone else.

Not at the funeral, lol, but six months later? Wouldn't bother me. I'm GONE, and I don't want him to be alone and lonely, passing up an opportunity to be with someone he thinks is wonderful because people might gossip.

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^ I told Mr. Hunny the same thing.

Maryn said:

Maryn, hoping Mr. Maryn doesn't pick up some cutie at the memorial service

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Uh-huh,

Now that would make me pull a Poltergeist on his butt!

That's not a marriage; that's addiction.

CACTUSWENDY said:

I'm sure you have all met/known someone like this. I just don't understand how two people can live that way their whole life and 'be happy'. This is a puzzle to me. How does this happen? Are we so 'needy' that abuse in any form is better than nothing?

Any thoughts on this?

Click to expand...

Not everybody measures the meaning of their lives in happiness. Some measure it in stability (be it financial, social, etc.), some in moral or religious righteousness (which might mean they cannot leave their partner because they made vows, or because of kids, or because the person is too weak to be alone), and so on.

Also, when you love someone it can be very difficult (thank goodness) to see their flaws. You hear them yelling at you, but you might just think they are having a bad day, they are frustrated, they are ill-tempered, they are insecure, or they are jealous. You may not take their 'abuse' on yourself because you know it is not your fault they are yelling at you. It is not their fault either, maybe. Maybe they were raised that way, maybe they are just too insecure to change. But you know the real them, and you love them. That's how beautiful love is. And how horrible.

CACTUSWENDY said:

I'm sure you have all met/known someone like this. I just don't understand how two people can live that way their whole life and 'be happy'. This is a puzzle to me. How does this happen? Are we so 'needy' that abuse in any form is better than nothing?

Any thoughts on this?

Click to expand...

As others have said, you've only seen one or a few facets of their relationship and that's after it's been well established. You don't know if what was being said was abusive because you're dealing with it from your perspective, not theirs.

My parents have been married more than 50 years and what you're describing is what their marriage looks like from the outside--she's harping on him, he's grumpy and bored since retirement, they constantly snap at each other and bicker. But there is no doubt in my mind that they love each other deeply. I've seen the private looks they've exchanged over the years across crowded rooms/dinner tables or in times of stress. Ever see a couple make love with a look? That's what I'm talking about. They did it when I was younger and they still do it today.

What happened with my folks is that for the first time in their lives, they're together almost 24/7 with little break. My father's a homebody and Mom like to go out and be social, but they both feel the need to step out of their comfort zones and do for the other on occasion, which is what they're often bickering about in their own sort of code-language.

Just impossible for someone who doesn't know them that well to make a judgment on what their relationship is/was. Personally, I'd take it at face value, give my condolences and do what I'm inclined to do to help him get on with life.

Medievalist said:

Here's another one that puzzles me.

A husband who was devastated when his wife died, is dating a woman six months later. A year later, the woman has moved in, and they marry.

Click to expand...

True story: My ex's great-grandfather lost his wife 3 months shy of their 50th anniversary. He was devestated. They'd been childhood friends, known each other all their lives and there was never a thought about marrying someone else for either of them.

Within seven months, he'd started dating Ann, a woman from their church, a friend of his late wife's actually. Within two years of his wife's death, he married his second wife.

Being new into the family and having heard the family's dislike for this woman usurping Grandpa's affections, I sat down and asked him about his decision (in a roundabout way).

What he told me was that he really enjoyed being married, that he liked being a partner in that kind of team, having and being that kind of a person. Losing his wife was devestating, but he couldn't live in the past with memories. He said that he'd watched his mother die from living in memories after his father passed.

He chose Ann because she honored his first wife, they shared the same values and they worked well together. By the time they married, he'd fallen in love again. She wasn't a replacement, she was a start for his second life. He understood that his family didn't approve, but he was firm that it was his life, his choices, and he was happy and never felt for a moment that he was disrespecting his first wife or their life together.

Grandpa and Ann were married almost 35 years until he died at 109, FWIW.