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fwc
12-04-2010, 07:58 PM
Hey,
I was just wondering people's opinions on relationships. Do you think it is wise or advisable to tell someone you are interested in about your old relationships.
Does it depend on the individual or is there a general way to approach it?

If I were to meet a new person, I would want to know about their past relationships, but I wouldn't necessarily want to know the details. How do you feel?

alleycat
12-04-2010, 08:08 PM
Better left alone unless it's a long-dead relationship that can be discussed as such.

Most people will volunteer information about past relationships (generally the bad things); but I don't ask about it.

seun
12-04-2010, 08:09 PM
If they ask and you're comfortable with going over the past, then talk about it. I wouldn't just bring it up out of the blue, though.

RobJ
12-04-2010, 08:10 PM
When my wife and I first started seeing each other, the first thing we did was talk about our past relationships. We were both mid-to-late twenties, both previously married, and it didn't seem like a big deal. If either of us had had a problem with it, perhaps it would all have ended there and then and we'd have moved on. As it is, we celebrated 22 years of marriage a week ago.

I'm not saying there's a right and wrong approach to take, but that was our experience.

kayleamay
12-04-2010, 08:13 PM
My husband and I both came with baggage too, so talking about past relationships seemed like a no-brainer. Neither of us wanted to step in the same potholes.

I would have to say, if someone asks about your past, be honest. If you want to know about theirs, ask. If you feel like you need to know and they're not willing to discuss, you might not be a very good fit for each other in the first place.

KellyAssauer
12-04-2010, 08:34 PM
Do you think it is wise or advisable to tell someone you are interested in about your old relationships.


I don't understand that sentence.



If I were to meet a new person, I would want to know about their past relationships, but I wouldn't necessarily want to know the details. How do you feel?

I'm feeling fine, thanks. =)

Ambrosia
12-04-2010, 09:44 PM
It depends.

Sometimes the person asking is just curious. And sometimes the person asking is filing away information for future leverage. You don't always know until it is too late.

shadowwalker
12-04-2010, 10:05 PM
I like to know the basic whys of past relationships - why they got together, why they split. After all, why would I want someone who has the same problems that caused *my* relationships to be 'past'? Once I know I'm not going down that same old road, I could care less.

cmi0616
12-04-2010, 11:10 PM
My philosophy on the subject is that there's no real good that can come of it, so why bring it up? Unless it's an issue pertinent to the current relationship, let bygones be bygones.

Wayne K
12-05-2010, 12:07 AM
I could care less about ex's, but I've had a lot of long term (a year or more) relationships, and people I've been with hate it.

Its usually girlfriends hating the ex boyfriends and boyfriends hating the ex girlfriends.

Did I mention I'm Bi?

Does this help at all?

Cliff Face
12-05-2010, 01:18 AM
Minimal amount of information for me.

I'd still talk about these things, but not go into too much detail.

Mostly I'd talk about the negative stuff.

Lavern08
12-05-2010, 02:33 AM
... why bring it up? Unless it's an issue pertinent to the current relationship, let bygones be bygones.

That ^

Button
12-05-2010, 02:54 AM
Guys I used to date would tell me the question they hated (and were often asked) was "So why did your old girlfriend break up with you?" Or something in that fashion. As if there was obviously something wrong with him and he needed to "learn whatever lesson" for the next girlfriend. (Plus something she should keep an eye out for him, just in case.)

I know a lot about the Cajun's past. He doesn't know much about mine. I don't talk about mine so much. He just likes to yammer and will talk about this time or that time and who he happened to be around. I don't mind. I'll tell him if there's something I don't want to know about.

When I talk about mine, he's attentive, but he rarely asks questions. There's very little I won't tell him, and there's little he has yet to say he won't tell me.

We're way more interested in events and things we've done or we plan to do though. :)

KellyAssauer
12-05-2010, 03:03 AM
No! no! It's okay. Really!
You more than make up in enthusiasm
for what you lack in size.
.
.
.
Honest.

fwc
12-05-2010, 06:28 AM
My philosophy on the subject is that there's no real good that can come of it, so why bring it up? Unless it's an issue pertinent to the current relationship, let bygones be bygones.
^^ This is good


I don't understand that sentence.

I'm feeling fine, thanks. =)
I think it needed some commas. It meant, do you think it is pertinent to the current relationship? (ty cmi0616)
And you now sound like a smart alec...


No! no! It's okay. Really!
You more than make up in enthusiasm
for what you lack in size.
.
Honest.
Who are you referring to?

Silver King
12-05-2010, 06:40 AM
In romantic relationships, the less information you reveal about past lovers, the better. Just don't say anything about them if possible, and when pressed, use the vaguest terms you can think of or refuse to answer at all.

It's your private business anyway, and almost always best kept to yourself.

BeatrixKiddo
12-05-2010, 06:48 AM
I like "more" then "less". After some of the guys I've dated, "keeping the past in the past" doesn't work for me anymore. This is a deal breaker for me now. If a guy can't be honest with me about past relationships, then he's not going to be honest with me with certain things in the future. (this is just my personal experience, I don't judge others who don't enjoy "sharing" as long as I'm not dating them)

This is also a safety issue for women. Considering how many wives and girlfriends are murdered by current husbands/boyfriends (it happens a lot more then people realize), any secrets about someone's past in a relationship, is no longer acceptable.

In my experience, if I've dated someone who wasn't comfortable talking about past relationships, it makes me wonder what else they're hiding. That's a big red warning flag for me.

I don't grill them for info on a first date obviously, but if we start dating regularly, I need to know someone's (true) dating history, family history, etc. (Growing up with a father who kept lots of secrets from my mother taught me this lesson)
I have no problem doing the same for them if they request it and tend to be quite open myself. (My attitude is, if he can't handle my own past, then he's not the right guy for me anyway)

I used to "respect" a guy's privacy but in doing so I always ended up getting burned. Sorry potential dating partner, but I need to know you, all of you, period.

I'm open and honest, so I expect the same in return.

Anyway, that's my two cents.

Silver King
12-05-2010, 07:50 AM
...This is also a safety issue for women. Considering how many wives and girlfriends are murdered by current husbands/boyfriends (it happens a lot more then people realize), any secrets about someone's past in a relationship, is no longer acceptable...
I wasn't suggesting being secretive but merely less forthcoming about our pasts.

Even though I don't have anything to hide, I find it highly intrusive when people attempt to pry into my history. If I were dating someone who tried that on me, I'd find it a huge turn-off and never see them again.

Personal information should be shared of course, but only gradually and willingly to build trust as the relationship evolves.

rhymegirl
12-05-2010, 07:58 AM
I always wanted to know about my husband's exes (not details, just in general), but he never wanted to know about mine.

What can I say, I'm a reporter, I am very curious.

Cliff Face
12-05-2010, 07:59 AM
I'm fine with talking about my past - I don't think it's intrusive unless it's all really sudden (ie. start of the relationship) and all at once. If I feel like I'm being interrogated, I'm not seeing that person again. My dad was paranoid mum was cheating on him, and he used to interrogate her whenever she had been out for over an hour.

It was the ugliest thing from my childhood - not just my dad's behaviour, but mum's way of dealing with it by swearing and shouting.

And yes, they got divorced when I was 15.

So if I'm being interrogated about anything personal, that's it for me.

But if it's just casual conversation, not too soon into the relationship, then I'm happy to talk about just about everything. I won't go into too many details, of course, but I'll be honest about how I felt about the women I've dated.

None of those relationships had a chance of working, and to me it's quite obvious that they were going nowhere, so I don't see the harm in telling a new lover about them. If she asks.

However, I don't particularly want to know about potential lovers' past relationships. I'd be liable to say something like, "Stop there, love, I don't want to know."

(And as far as giving out my own information, I have limits. Some things just aren't necessary to mention, like how the sex was awesome with girlfriend number two or whatever. No need to mention it to a new partner. The dating stuff without mention of sex? Yeah, I'm mostly fine with that.)

BeatrixKiddo
12-05-2010, 08:11 AM
I wasn't suggesting being secretive but merely less forthcoming about our pasts.

Even though I don't have anything to hide, I find it highly intrusive when people attempt to pry into my history. If I were dating someone who tried that on me, I'd find it a huge turn-off and never see them again.

Personal information should be shared of course, but only gradually and willingly to build trust as the relationship evolves.



I guess I've always been different, when it comes to dating. It's never been a big deal to me if someone asks me personal questions early on. So, I like that same trait in someone I might date. (If they find it intrusive then I'm not the right person for them and they're not the right person for me).

I show some restraint in the beginning but I do notice that the more open I am about myself, the more open dates tend to be with me. I guess my openness makes some dates feel at ease and if they know I'm willing to talk about my history early on, they usually end up talking more about theirs.

I've found out so much more stuff from a guy with the "open-early-on" approach then by sharing personal information gradually. Maybe that takes some mystery out of dating, but these days, I don't need mystery or intrigue in the men I date. I just need honesty. (Again, this is just my personal experience, you should only share what you're personally comfortable with)

Lavern08
12-05-2010, 05:58 PM
I just wonder how many guys (or women) would actually admit to lying, cheating, beating or killing their former mates anyway? :Shrug:

I read that one of the top five turn offs for guys include "women who talk about their past relationships." ;)

fwc
12-06-2010, 06:05 PM
quick anecdote:
So, I contacted someone recently, and told them I had come out of a relationship and wanted a friend to chat with. She says nothing about any past relationship(s). Going under the auspices of "platonic" we keep chatting for a while. At a certain point I guessed that she wanted to go past platonic, but she hasn't revealed anything about her past or said anything direct.

To be fair I wasn't really pushing to know, but what was interesting to me was the reaction when I told her I had just emailed another girl (still platonic). She instantly spilled the beans on numerous past relationships; details and the whole nine yards.

Do you think this is a fear of rejection resonating from her past relationships, or just her personal preference to keep it private?

Alpha Echo
12-06-2010, 06:23 PM
I didn't vote because I'm not sure how to. I think it probably depends on the couple, and each as an individual.

With my ex-husband, I mentioned NOTHING of my past. If I did by accident, he got all insecure and upset and sad. He claimed he hadn't been with anyone before me. Turns out he was a lying cheat, and he turned it around on my instead of recognizing that he was the lying cheat.

With my current husband, it was totally different. He and I have been nothing but open from the beginning. We shared each other's "number" and different stories, and there's no jealousy. We don't discuss it anymore, and I don't really care to imagine it, but I don't care. I'm thankful for the experience he had before me. I'm not jealous - we both had sex lives before we met each other. But we totally, emphatically, trust each other. I didn't have that in my first marriage, and I think it's necessary.

I'm glad we were so open with each other. It gave us both a better understanding of each other and deepened the trust that was all ready there.

Cella
12-06-2010, 06:30 PM
I would say to treat the subject the same as you would with a friend. :)

Alpha Echo
12-06-2010, 06:36 PM
I just wonder how many guys (or women) would actually admit to lying, cheating, beating or killing their former mates anyway? :Shrug:

I read that one of the top five turn offs for guys include "women who talk about their past relationships." ;)

My husband admitted to the one time he kinda cheated on his girlfriend (I say kinda because they were "on a break.")

I told him about the guy I kissed when I was 19 and engaged to my first husband (though he and I didn't marry until 6 years later).

We don't "talk" about these relationships anymore. It was purely discussed as a way to get to know each other.

backslashbaby
12-07-2010, 01:30 PM
I just wonder how many guys (or women) would actually admit to lying, cheating, beating or killing their former mates anyway? :Shrug:

I read that one of the top five turn offs for guys include "women who talk about their past relationships." ;)

That's the thing. People can lie so well! I've been burned a couple of times by thinking that the openness and mature discussion a guy had of his past (among other topics) meant more than beans. It didn't. Classic 'courting' behavior.

Nah, now I just spend time with the dude and know it'll take a while before I can really know what's up. Same with friends you start getting very close to, really. People stop putting on their public personas after a while, and you just have to wait to see what you've got, lol.

Me, I try to get the flaky out of the way to a degree. I met a guy who thought girls shouldn't curse. Yeah, like that was going to happen :D I try to go on and avoid any pretenses. Total neat freak? Oh, you'll hate me later, etc, etc. Why my dates try to pretend they totally agree with me, I'll never know. Some folks just do that, I guess.

I'd never get married in 3-6 months like some folks do. Never! :)

BenPanced
12-07-2010, 09:00 PM
Only if there is vital information I'd need to know about. Usually, it just comes up as an amusing ex story, though.

RobJ
12-07-2010, 10:44 PM
I'd never get married in 3-6 months like some folks do. Never! :)
Not even if the sex is great??

backslashbaby
12-08-2010, 02:10 AM
Not even if the sex is great??

I didn't say I wouldn't spend some quality time with the fellow ;) You don't need to be married for that, as it happens :D