If PA ran a different business

I like your way of thinking, Dave. Just the other day there was talk of starting a health care system.

Free health care for all! Everyone would want that, right?

One division will be called PharmacyAmerica. All prescriptions for free. All you have to do is pay $78.95 for the bottles, and $30.00 for the prescription insert so you know how to take the medicine. Of course we will offer refills, and twice a year our medicine bottles will be sold at a discount, so wise consumers will stock up. For the convenience of all, our medications will only be dispensed through online pharmacies.

TraumaAmerica will treat injured victims through an online clinic. The diagnosis is free, and patients are given the right to choose what treatment they want. Do you have a broken bone? You can pay $239.95 for a cast ( add $12.95 for colors), or you can opt for a stick and a roll of duct tape for $9.95. We put patient care where it belongs - in the hands of the patients and their loved ones. We are going to revolutionize the health care industry.

IllAmerica operates on the same premise. Just go to our handy website, type in your symptoms, and you get a diagnosis free of charge. Take it to any participating health care facility and choose your care options. Are you vomiting, but don't want to pay $45.95 for an emesis basin? Then just puke on the floor. Don't want to pay $478.99 for the IV set-up for your chemotherapy? Make your own!

We feel a proactive patient gets more accomplished than we could. When you sign up for one of our health care plans, we will send you, free of charge, a marketing guide so you can drive around to every hospital and clinic in your area and beg them to take you as a patient should the need arise.

We never force a patient to purchase anything they don't want. If you are seriously ill and you don't want to pay for necessary care items, that's up to you, but don't blame us when you die. In fact, we will expect an apology.

Our health care programs are available from sea to shining sea and all across the fruited plain.

Not one for an extended retirement, I see...

PA Sock Puppit said:

I like your way of thinking, Dave. Just the other day there was talk of starting a health care system.

Free health care for all! Everyone would want that, right?

One division will be called PharmacyAmerica. All prescriptions for free. All you have to do is pay $78.95 for the bottles, and $30.00 for the prescription insert so you know how to take the medicine. Of course we will offer refills, and twice a year our medicine bottles will be sold at a discount, so wise consumers will stock up. For the convenience of all, our medications will only be dispensed through online pharmacies.

TraumaAmerica will treat injured victims through an online clinic. The diagnosis is free, and patients are given the right to choose what treatment they want. Do you have a broken bone? You can pay $239.95 for a cast ( add $12.95 for colors), or you can opt for a stick and a roll of duct tape for $9.95. We put patient care where it belongs - in the hands of the patients and their loved ones. We are going to revolutionize the health care industry.

IllAmerica operates on the same premise. Just go to our handy website, type in your symptoms, and you get a diagnosis free of charge. Take it to any participating health care facility and choose your care options. Are you vomiting, but don't want to pay $45.95 for an emesis basin? Then just puke on the floor. Don't want to pay $478.99 for the IV set-up for your chemotherapy? Make your own!

Click to expand...

You forgot SurgicAmerica -- they provide the "operating room" free -- so, OK, it's actually a guy's garage -- but, hey, no charge. Plus the "operating table" -- well, two card tables pushed together, so long as the neighbor doesn't need to borrow one for a tag sale. And state-of-the-art surgical tools -- that look a lot like a magic marker, butter knives and duct tape -- but you can upgrade for just a little (more) money! For an extra five bucks, they'll not only throw in some rubbing alcohol, but an electric stapler!

Of course, you've got to sign on the dotted line first ... no, don't look at it too closely ... "POD" means all your assets are "Payable On Death" to SurgicAmerica ...

Smallthunder, you are a genius of epic proportions. I will pass that on to the powers that be and I'm sure they will add it on to the health care package, along with TeethAmerica. We have two guys from Appalachia with pliers and a Craftsman drill who will do anything to your teeth. They love it, and are very enthusiastic about their work. Of course, if you want Novocaine or Nitrous Oxide, you can pay for those. Otherwise, Chester has him a nice big mallet that works good.

Next we have AutoAmerica. Mr. Ying from Yung Phat Gurl restaurant has offered to give us his used wok oil which we will use to replace the oil in your car, FREE of charge, provided you bring your car to us for any future repairs. We will also use Mr. Ying's old SOS pads to replace your brake pads if needed, free of charge. Quit paying high prices for car maintainance! Bring your car to us for a fast, free service, which we will provide once you sign our contract for future services. Located in the alley behind Yung Phat Gurl restaurant, next to the trash cans.

You forgot PetcareAmerica.

I am Jaycinth's cat. I DON'T want to talk about it. Let's just say, the 'free' fuzzy ball is NOT what it appears to be. Do not chase it, do not smell it, and above all (listen up dogs) do NOT bring it BACK!

Jaycinth's cat, PA has lived up to it's contract, just as we always do. We have received some whiney emails from customers using a tone because they didn't want to pay for a leash while using our free dog walking service, which led to a few mishaps. Read your contract! We offer to walk your dog free of charge, and we do that. If you don't want to pay $97.99 for a leash, that's not our problem. You owe us an apology.

Jaycinth's cat, our contract offered a free fuzzy ball and you got one, so we are not in violation of our contract. We never specified what the "fuzz" or the "ball" was. You were greedy and took it, and now you are taking a tone and complaining? You are ungrateful and immature.

Final from cat.

As far as 'balls' go, I got home without mine. By the way, there's a restaurant next door 'Le Petite Anchovy' that has some very weird specials on the menu.

(Oh and there is a suspicious 'personal care' spa across the parking lot. It is called 'Pubic Aroma', and although you can smell it from the back of the pet shop, people still line up for blocks, just to sign up!)

Meow!

We here at (Re)ProduceAmerica would like to offer the latest in assisted reproductive technology. We will, free of charge, supra-ovulate the female partner (you just have to pay for the drugs), and extract your eggs. Likewise, we will help collect the male partner’s sperm free of charge (you only have to pay for the cup and a small rental charge for the magazine). Then we will, again totally gratis, combine the eggs and sperm and culture them to the embryo stage. At that time, you will be free to purchase up to three of your embryos at the new contributor’s price of $4,999.99 for immediate insertion into the female’s reproductive tract. We have a list of doctors from coast-to-coast who will perform the necessary manipulations. We will, also free of charge, freeze all of the embryos you don’t need right away, and for a charge of $949.99 we will maintain them in the frozen state for a period of one year (renewable). Should you wish to donate any of your embryos to an infertile couple, you have two options. We will provide them to the couple and give you a royalty of 0.05% on the selling price agreed upon by us and our accountant. Alternately, you may purchase them yourself, for a provider’s individual discount price of $3,999.99 each, for direct re-sale to the infertile couple. If you wish to purchase a second batch of your embryos for your own second try at pregnancy, you may use the original new contributor’s price for another three embryos. After the second try, you will have to use the individual discount price. We fully guarantee that your specimens will remain frozen, using our new ice cube tray technology and our series of Amana freezers. We at (Re)ProduceAmerica think that all of your hard work at wanting to become a parent should be rewarded with real embryos in your reproductive tract. We will even provide a set of two special pregnancy test sticks with our logo, again free of charge.



Additional items sold separately:

Book of unusual names (special paperback edition) - $39.99

Logo Chin Bucket (for morning sickness) - $79.99

Photograph of your embryos (5x7” black-and-white, glossy) - $199.99

Jaycinth's cat, how kind of you to mention our newest venture, SpaAmerica. Pubic Aroma is our prototype. As to the stench, everything we do here at PA stinks, and yet people line up by the thousands to partake of our services. We at PA have learned that some people love things that stink, and we've built our business model on that premise.

As our intelligent associate, NeuroFizz, explained with our subsidiary, (Re)ProduceAmerica, we are venturing into all areas of society that lend themselves to desperation.

We are soon to unveil AgentsAmerica. These talented sixth grade students will, for a fee, read submitted manuscripts and decide if they are high calibre enough to be accepted by PA. That way, you know before you submit that you'll be accepted. For a mere 6% of your 8% commission, they will keep you informed of your manuscript's progress, as well as giving you a letter of authenticity, sure to get you reviews in prominent magazines.

Here are a few of the PA staff, happily working to serve you. Bow and say, "Thank you, PA!"