So, problem solved... for the moment. But I'm concerned about the future of my very bright, very sensitive girl. Can you bully-proof a kid? How do you teach a kid to stand up for themselves
while still being nice?
As edited, you follow some of the responses in this thread. If you're always "nice" and "sensitive" you'll be a target. Sometime you have to be mean back to mean people.
You CANNOT stop bullying while being nice. No fucking way.
My mother always told me "now, Benjie, be nice." My father wasn't a good example - long memoir short, my mother wore the pants in the family. That was the wrong thing, I about died trying to be "nice" for my mother, and she didn't seem to care that I always got annoyed at her constant lecturing at me. My parents took me to shrinks and shit and that didn't help. It wasn't until I was an adult that I figured out my mother was mentally ill. As an adult I finally saw where the rest of the family ignored my mother, or just agreed with her when she said something, then went on to do what they were doing as if she hadn't said anything. I made the horrible mistake of taking my mother seriously, and expecting her to take me seriously.
There were a couple of times in my life that I actually STOPPED someone else abusing me, once in the third or fourth grade, the other about age 17. I don't know how I didn't learn from these events.
The first one - I spent grades three through five in an "emotionally disturbed" class with about five to eight other students, as opposed to the regular classes with about 20 students. At one point another boy and I got into a fight, and as usual I was losing. I was thinking I could do something to perhaps change the balance of power (and this was even before Nixon was President) - so I went into action: I took aim with my foot, and bam! Perfect shot. All of a sudden he was bent over holding his hands in his crotch crying to the teacher that "He cheated! He kicked me where it hurts! That's no fair!" But it ENDED the fight.
About age 17, at a private school, for PE about eight of us were playing basketball with the teacher. A small punk was teasing me while we were playing, while the teacher was looking the other way. I was so fed up with him I all of a sudden didn't give a shit that happened to me (as far as the teacher seeing me, me getting expelled from a private school, bla bla bla), so when he made a face at me I reached out with my hand at his face, and barely touched his cheek. The teacher suddenly yelled out "Hey! That's not needed, we don't need to act like that." Then we went back to playing basketball. There wasn't much left of the school year, but he never screwed with me after that. I think he saw how fed up I was with his shit, and that I was pushed to a point that I was dangerous, that I could hurt him and not care about the consequences. It doesn't do anything for the emotional damage done up to that time, but it at least kept a little bit more from being piled on.
I hesitated mentioning MMA training because the attitude I've run into from many school officials was negative. In fact, I was outright told I was making my son into a monster - he had just defended himself against a group of attackers, won, and been suspended for three days. After this incident however he never came home with another mark on him again. The group of bullies no longer targeted him or his friends.
I had grown tired of the bruises, cuts, scrapes... so I placed him in a 'street fighting' system which I also taught. There is a certain freedom in knowing you can defend yourself if forced, a confidence that shines through and tells would be victimers that you're not their best choice.
Eye contact, head up, always maintain distance, hands out of pockets, these are all ways that tell others 'I am not an easy target'.
At seven however, that's tougher, but I also taught children as young as three. It was amazing to see a group of five and six years old Little Ninjas - who had been in my Little Dragons classes - stand at attention, take direction, and be incredibly coordinated. They were wonderful children and had all the confidence in the world.
This is good stuff.
Thanks again, all. I've gotten some great advice, here and in PMs.
It makes me sick, the bullying. The fact that I have to plan ahead. The fact that I'm thinking about this when she's 7. I wish there were some magic fairy dust I could sprinkle on her.
The boy I'm not so worried about. He has that knack for making friends, you know? That guy who's friendly with everyone, who just can't accept that people might not be his best friend. The girl is not an introvert, but she's more restrained.
::sigh:: Why is raising kids so darn tough?
If you thought it was easy or if you just ignored this, you wouldn't be as good a parent as you are.
My dad taught me how to handle a bully: You hit him as hard as you can, right on the jaw or point of the chin. If he goes down, you kick whichever end gets up first. If he doesn't go down and he is bigger than you are, you run like hell. Eventually, the jerk will pick on someone easier.
This works. I have tried it.
More good experience.
