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View Full Version : I have daughters? What? Daughtery issues?



tiny
09-09-2010, 05:03 AM
A few months ago, my husband's oldest daughter moved in with us. She's freshly 20 and full of youthful/girlie angst. And I'm at a loss. I've never dealt with girls before and though I know she's technically a grown up, she's still a kid.

What the heck do I do? He's got another daughter who'll be coming to visit soon and ACCCCKKKKKK she's 14. Girls!!!! I can't deal with girls!!

This is not a swimming pool I expected to tossed into at this late date.

thothguard51
09-09-2010, 05:20 AM
First, talk to the hubby about your feelings.

If this don't work, I suggest a writers retreat...in another country. Hubby can come and visit...minus the daughters.

Yeshanu
09-09-2010, 05:37 AM
Just think back to when you were that age. That's what gets me through it.

I love talking with girls that age, but sometimes...

The good thing is they do indeed talk. Once the girls come to trust you, you'll probably revel in having the girls around.

Just remember the monthly stuff, is all. It's the first question I ask my daughter (22) when she's acting overly angsty.

joyce
09-09-2010, 05:43 AM
Valium, booze, quarantine yourself in another county and don't answer the phone. :D Girls, aren't we just wonderful to deal with. Especially if they're girlie girls and you aren't. My heart goes out to you.

My daughter, only child, is really a fantastic, responsible, lovable daughter and I wouldn't change her for the world. She's just 26 and moving back to town and home with us for a bit. She belongs to me and I'm going to pull my hair out. DRAMA, DRAMA, DRAMA, did I mention DRAMA. I keep thinking was I that damn dramatic at that age. I feel like I'm living around chicken little and the sky is falling any minute now. The bad thing is, I'm not and never have been a girlie girl, other than lipstick, and she's always been frills and lace.

God bless you and your nerves. I'd give you some constructive advice if I had any, but the first sentence about sums it all up. Best of luck and just know...one day they'll leave for good, or at least tell you they are.

robeiae
09-09-2010, 05:43 AM
Wait, TT isn't 20?!?!?

Anyway, I suppose the best thing to do is to tread carefully in the beginning. But you might point out how important self defense is and offer to give her some free lessons. Might work...

rhymegirl
09-09-2010, 05:57 AM
My daughter is 22 and I find she just doesn't confide in me the way she used to. Much more secretive. So I don't bug her too much.

She and I like to take walks together, so it's the perfect time to talk if she feels like it. Sometimes we go shopping together. But she mostly spends time with her friends.

thothguard51
09-09-2010, 06:02 AM
You think you have it bad with girls??? My son's a Dallas fan and I'm a Redskin fan.

Where did I go wrong...

joyce
09-09-2010, 06:06 AM
My daughter is 22 and I find she just doesn't confide in me the way she used to. Much more secretive. So I don't bug her too much.

She and I like to take walks together, so it's the perfect time to talk if she feels like it. Sometimes we go shopping together. But she mostly spends time with her friends.

My daughter confides so much of her life to me sometimes she tells me stuff and I want to put my fingers in my ears and go "na na na na na na, I can't hear you." I love she talks to me about everything though.

tiny
09-09-2010, 06:07 AM
I just don't know what to say when she's crying or upset. My boys... just really only cried when there was blood. That I could deal with. A little alcohol and a band-aid.


And no Rob, I'm not 20. I'm 40.

joyce
09-09-2010, 06:11 AM
I just don't know what to say when she's crying or upset. My boys... just really only cried when there was blood. That I could deal with. A little alcohol and a band-aid.

Just listen with an open heart and mind and tell her what you would do and how you would feel. Even with age and DNA differences, we as women feel the same pain and frustration. I find with my daughter that if I just listen and tell her I love her and it will be alright, she's comforted. Showing love and tenderness cures so many ills, even in 20 year old girls.

rhymegirl
09-09-2010, 06:37 AM
Just listen with an open heart and mind and tell her what you would do and how you would feel. Even with age and DNA differences, we as women feel the same pain and frustration. I find with my daughter that if I just listen and tell her I love her and it will be alright, she's comforted. Showing love and tenderness cures so many ills, even in 20 year old girls.

Yes, I agree with this.

One time my daughter was so upset because a boy (when she was in high school) didn't feel the same way she did about him. She cried her eyes out. That's tough. It broke my heart. But I tried to put myself in her place and say the things I would want to hear if it was me. It didn't really change anything but I think it helped.

robeiae
09-09-2010, 06:41 AM
I just don't know what to say when she's crying or upset.
Tell her to rub some dirt on it and walk it off...

I dunno, TT. I think you'll manage. Your fellow chicks seem to have some good advice, regardless. :)

Michelle Maibelle
09-09-2010, 06:51 AM
I don't get what the big deal is. She's a person, not a sex.

This might work: Pretend she's a dude.

tiny
09-09-2010, 06:56 AM
Dirt may work, Rob. I'll try that :p

backslashbaby
09-10-2010, 12:05 AM
Picture the crying as curse-laden ranting. Half the time, you can use exactly the same responses:

That fucking sucks.
Man, that's rough.
He/she is a right bastard!

You just might want to throw in a 'no wonder you're so upset!' and bring hot cocoa with the whiskey.

Good luck!

mscelina
09-10-2010, 12:16 AM
Right now, I have two daughters in crisis. SERIOUS crisis. Both in their early twenties, both in failing marriages and, at the moment, both back home with mom with their toddlers in tow.

Here's the thing about girls of this age, the thing that we who are circa forty can't relate to: they were brought up in an instant gratification society. They haven't really learned the advantages of patience. When I was their age (God, I can't believe I'm old enough to type that) everything took a lot longer--remember? Had to write a term paper? Had to go to books and actually read to get the information. No Google. Wanted to talk to a friend? Had to wait until they were home and answered the phone. No texting. Had a relationship in trouble? Had to wait and work on it instead of letting the entire drama unfold and implode on Facebook for all my friends and family to see.

It's been my recent experience--and my girls came to me as teenagers after being raised primarily by their father--that the best way to deal with young girls at this particular age is to teach them patience...and to display a lot of it as well. That whole teach by example thing? It works. It may involve a lot of counting to ten, but I think you'll find that dealing with girls is really no different than dealing with boys.

My best advice, then, is to welcome her into your home and your life as a potential friend rather than a parent. It'll end up being more rewarding for both of you in the end and will probably enable you to catch any danger signals before the Facebook alert hits your profile page.

Good luck--feel free to pm me if you need to vent.

Yeshanu
09-10-2010, 01:29 AM
It's been my recent experience--and my girls came to me as teenagers after being raised primarily by their father--that the best way to deal with young girls at this particular age is to teach them patience...and to display a lot of it as well. That whole teach by example thing? It works. It may involve a lot of counting to ten, but I think you'll find that dealing with girls is really no different than dealing with boys.

My best advice, then, is to welcome her into your home and your life as a potential friend rather than a parent. It'll end up being more rewarding for both of you in the end and will probably enable you to catch any danger signals before the Facebook alert hits your profile page.



QFT

Some really good stuff in there that I agree with 100%, and it's advice that goes for boys as well as girls.

As stepmother, you walk a fine line, and because the girls are older, they've already been formed. So you'll need to meet them where they are, not ask them to come to where you are. But they'll still look to you for example, even if you think they're not.