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Alvah
08-18-2010, 04:42 PM
Does anyone know a good website for jokes to cheer up someone?
Someone I love has been having several bad days and I want to send her some jokes to lighten her mood.

Thanks,

Alvah

Celia Cyanide
08-18-2010, 05:34 PM
How clean are we talking?

Maryn
08-18-2010, 05:50 PM
I've shared this many times. No idea where I got it.

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT .

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER .

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".........

crazynance
08-18-2010, 08:44 PM
what's brown and sticky?
.
.
.
a stick!

Why does the mushroom always get invited to the party?
.
.
cuz he's a fun guy! (funghi)

honeysock
08-18-2010, 09:27 PM
Knock knock.

Who's there?

Dwayne.

Dwayne who?

Dwayne the bathtub, I'm dwowning!

TheIT
08-18-2010, 09:31 PM
Seach in "Office Party". There are a couple of threads of jokes.

Kitty Pryde
08-18-2010, 09:35 PM
Cute Overload is enough to lift even the most broken spirits.

Miss Plum
08-18-2010, 10:03 PM
Alvah, I used to live in Carmel, California, and the police blotter in their local newspaper, the Carmel Pinecone, was always full of hilarious entries because it was such a peaceful little town. Reports of cops called to make sure some dogs in a car had adequate water and ventilation, a French driver being rude, a woman who couldn't figure out how to unlock the doors on her brand-new BMW (trapping her inside), an old person who wouldn't answer their phone, on and on and on. I cut these things out and pasted them onto a sheet of paper, covering both sides, and mailed it without any comment in a flat envelope to a relative who was going through a difficult time. She said when she got it she read the whole thing and was shrieking and crying with laughter before she was even a quarter of the way through it. She propped it up on a desk and kept going back to it.

backslashbaby
08-18-2010, 10:21 PM
A dentist is closing up one evening when a man walks in his door.

"Can I help you?"

"I don't know. I think I'm a moth."

"A moth? It sounds like you might need a shrink."

"Yes," the man replies.

"But I'm a dentist. Why did you come to my office?"

The man shrugs. "Because your light was on."

Susan Littlefield
08-18-2010, 11:32 PM
Okay, you do several knock knock jokes in a row, then say to the other person:

"Say knock knock"

You say, "Who's there?"

Of course, you get a blank stare then lots of laugher when they realize the joke is on them!

Susan Littlefield
08-18-2010, 11:33 PM
See if you can get ahold of the Upbeat Times. http://www.upbeattimes.com/

They have oogles of good jokes!

Kitty Pryde
08-18-2010, 11:41 PM
This pirate walks into a doctor's office with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The somewhat perturbed reception says, Sir, there's a steering wheel sticking out of your pants. And the pirate says, Aye, it's drivin' me nuts!

Soccer Mom
08-19-2010, 05:52 AM
And awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to office party we go!

Cliff Face
08-19-2010, 06:03 AM
Damn, I was going to say the "Brown and sticky" joke... :(

In the past, the funniest jokes I've ever found on the Internet have been "lists" of things, such as, "Top 50 Funniest Things To Do In A Public Restroom".

Try searching for "joke lists". Actually, I'm not doing anything, I'll hunt up some joke lists. Very funny stuff, IMO.

Cliff Face
08-19-2010, 06:04 AM
Yeah. http://www.jokesandhumor.com/Lists/ for starters. First Google entry under "Joke lists".

Shouldn't be too hard to find some more. :)

Silver King
08-19-2010, 06:11 AM
I shared one (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showpost.php?p=5253521&postcount=3865) earlier this evening in another thread when Viagra was mentioned:

This talk of enhancement pills reminds me of a story where a man asks his doctor to prescribe help for a date with three women. The doctor is impressed and sells him twelve tablets, warning that he should take only two before the big event, then save the rest for future encounters.

The man is nervous and consumes all of the pills before the women are due to arrive.

The following day he visits the doctor with visible discomfort and undergoes a physical examination. The doctor is aghast at what he finds, which can only be described as "damaged goods."

The man says, "Doc, you got any Ben Gay?"

Further amazed, the doctor says, "You can't put Ben Gay on those wounds."

"No, no," the man explains, "It's for my arm. The girls didn't show up last night."

Yeshanu
08-20-2010, 04:05 AM
A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Yeshanu
08-20-2010, 04:13 AM
Or you could go with the cute overload (http://thedesigninspiration.com/articles/70-cutie-baby-animals-bring-your-a-good-mood/). :D

Yeshanu
08-20-2010, 03:50 PM
I like this thread!

A video to make you smile (http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=1700732&server=vimeo.com&show_title=1&show_byline=1&show_portrait=0&color=&fullscreen=1). :D

Silver King
08-21-2010, 06:13 AM
When my daughter was about ten, she came home with a dollar and said the boy across the street had paid her to jump on his family's trampoline. I told her the kid was a weirdo and most likely only wanted to see her underpants while her dress flew up and down.

The following day she came home with five dollars, and before I could say anything, she said, "I fooled him this time, dad, and didn't wear any underpants."

S.J.
08-21-2010, 07:23 AM
"I remember when I worked in the police department, and we thought we'd come across the grave of a thousand snowmen. It was OK, though - it turned out to be a field of carrots."

"What did one snowman say to the other snowman?... 'Can you smell carrots?'"

"I remember when I left my job at the helium factory... I would not be spoken to in that tone."

A woman knocks over a hare in her car and kills it. Luckily, the vicar is passing by on his bicycle; he stops, pulls a flask from his waist, and tips a couple of drops of liquid onto the hare. Immediately it springs back to life and hops away. Ten feet from them, it turns and waves. Then it hops another ten feet. Then it waves. It continues like this to the horizon.

"Wow," says the woman. "That was amazing - was it holy water?"

And the vicar replies, "No! It was L'Oreal shampoo: leaves your hair with a permanent wave."


Sorry - none of those were particularly funny. But in humour terms, I think they win out because of their sheer lameness. ;P

Yeshanu
08-21-2010, 04:56 PM
A woman knocks over a hare in her car and kills it. Luckily, the vicar is passing by on his bicycle; he stops, pulls a flask from his waist, and tips a couple of drops of liquid onto the hare. Immediately it springs back to life and hops away. Ten feet from them, it turns and waves. Then it hops another ten feet. Then it waves. It continues like this to the horizon.

"Wow," says the woman. "That was amazing - was it holy water?"

And the vicar replies, "No! It was L'Oreal shampoo: leaves your hair with a permanent wave."



Ow. :D

After working his farm every day, an old farmer rarely had time to enjoy the large pond in the back that he had fixed up years earlier with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and benches. So one evening he decided to go down and see how things were holding up.

Much to his surprise, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a group of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."

The old farmer replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I only came down to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and treachery will always triumph over youth and skill.

Gretad08
08-21-2010, 08:19 PM
Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "Hey bud, why the long face?"

Maryn
08-21-2010, 08:36 PM
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Maryn, bada-bing, bada-boom

S.J.
08-21-2010, 09:47 PM
^ HAHAHA

megoblocks
08-21-2010, 10:27 PM
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Yeshanu
08-24-2010, 05:52 AM
This (http://lolsnaps.com/?media_id=599&cat_type=all&order_type=latest&pagenum=1) is a bit off colour, and depending on where you work, probably NSFW, but I can't stop laughing.

benbradley
08-24-2010, 07:03 AM
Horse 2004 Presidential Candidate John Kerry walks into a bar. Bartender says "Hey bud, why the long face?"
(message lengthened to at least 1 characters).