Writers and the people who love them

Bettedra said:

...it's sahameful, I know.

Click to expand...

It is not shameful at all, and your feelings are well warranted.

What I would do is tell your partner, who is "a chef with a self-proclaimed passion for food and life-long desire to own his own restaurant," that starting tomorrow, you will be scouting locations to open your own restaurant, and you already have a chef in mind to bring on board.

It would be interesting to see, in a poetic justice kind of way, how your partner reacts to that bit of news.

Bettedra said:

Do any of you have spouses/partners who are writers? How is the two-writer-household dynamic?

My partner (a chef with a self-proclaimed passion for food and life-long desire to own his own restaurant) recently decided that he wants to try his hand at writing. This came just days after I confided in him that I was going to begin seriously pursuing my own life-long dream: professional writing. Before I knew it he was creating writing samples and sending them to the same content sites to which I had just applied.

I can't figure out why suddenly, he wants to be a writer. I also can't figure out why it bugs me so much. This is something I've wanted since forever and talked endlessly about for years. The fact that I'm finally taking steps to achieve my goal is both thrilling and satisfying. So when he decided to piggyback on the idea, well... I felt some of the wind go out of my sails. I know that these feelings are selfish and petty, but I can't shake them. My inner child is wailing "this is MY dream! Get your own!".it's sahameful, I know.

Someone talk some sense into me, please.

Click to expand...

Support each-other in your dream. It's unlikely that you'll be directly competing with him, and even if you are, it only increases the slush pool by one more manuscript.

Use him to brainstorm, and let him do the same. This could be great for your relationship!

I'm very concerned about the "content sites" you mentioned, though. Can you tell us a bit more about those?

I would ask him what spawned this sudden interest in writing, it might help you understand, rather then feel like he's just piggybacking on your idea. It's entirely possible it's been a dream of his for years, but was too shy to talk about it. Perhaps you inspired him to see if he can hack it as a writer. A lot of people want to write but feel like it's a selfish or egotistical thing to pursue, so they forget it, and half the time, don't even bother trying.

My partner and I are both writers, and it's actually a great thing to have. We bounce ideas off of each other, and because we've been together for so long, we can be brutally honest ("oh my god, that's fantastic!" or "no way, that's a horrible idea") without the other getting all self-conscious because we have that closeness already.

So I'd suggest you talk to him about it, tell him how you feel, ask him if he's always had an interest in writing, and why he's never done anything about it before.

My significant other is a professional musician. I support him in his profession, and he supports me in my wriitng. I feel pretty blessed.

Bettedra, how you feel is not shameful at all. It's simply how you feel.

We both write...about different stuff.
<- me


<- Sr. Esteban











We also fight...about different stuff.

<- me




<- Sr. Esteban









We never fight with each other when we are both writing.

Are you kidding? I would be pants-wettingly delighted if my partner wanted to write stuff. You've got a built in alpha-reader, beta-reader, writing buddy, crit partner, and cheering squad right there to learn and write along with you! That's awesome IMO. Not sure why you would want to have the monopoly on an entertaining activity.

i'm the only writer under this roof, but i wouldn't give a shit if i wasn't. it's just a thing. anybody can do a thing if the notion hits them...for whatever reason it hits them.

Bettedra said:

Silver King

I tried that... The only response I got was a nonchalant shrug. Darn him for calling my bluff and missing the point entirely.

Thanks for seeing where I'm coming from.

Click to expand...

Oh, I get where you're coming from all right. To me, it appears your partner's sudden interest in writing is a way to ingratiate himself into an area of your life he didn't have access to before.

It would be similar if you suddenly took up cooking and signed up for restaurant management classes in an effort to hone in on that part of his life. He wouldn't appreciate that either, I think.

I have a good friend who started a novel after she heard that I wrote and started Yoga certification after I began pursuing that. Goals to open her own studio, even (a dream of mine I told her about!) But it's all cool. She's nice.

My Ex, OTOH, acted bored to tears to hear about my girl-pirate novel. Then he stole the premise+plot and started writing it as a screenplay with a buddy of his. And thought I shouldn't mind! The eejit.

Silver King said:

Oh, I get where you're coming from all right. To me, it appears your partner's sudden interest in writing is a way to ingratiate himself into an area of your life he didn't have access to before.

It would be similar if you suddenly took up cooking and signed up for restaurant management classes in an effort to hone in on that part of his life. He wouldn't appreciate that either, I think.

Click to expand...

Bettedra - I think this is where talking to him about it is going to be the best thing you can do. Assuming that he's trying to push himself into something you consider just for you (if you do at all), is a serious issue. It's your relationship, and you're the best judge of how to handle it.

Don't make confrontational comments ("oh ya, well I'm going to open up a restaurant then!"), rather just be open and honest with how you feel, and I'm sure he'll be open with you. Speculation can often lead to jumping to conclusions before we even know what the real deal is . And I bet you you'll feel a lot better about the whole situation after you talk to him about it.

Its okay to feel a little miffed. It's natural. Just concentrate on your dream. And chugging away at it. I've been writing for 6years and my husband decided to write about a year ago. He started his fantasy novel and I was willing to critique and brainstorm and all that. Needless to say, he stopped after about 3months.

I wish Don would write. Because of his extensive travels in his profession during the 80's and 90's, he has a wealth of stories to tell. He has talked of writing a book about his experiences. It would be wonderful if he did!

My husband and I both write, and have for longer than we've known each other. As Kitty said, we both have a live-in alpha- and beta-reader, supporter, encourager, commiserator... We write the same genre, but I don't see him as competition. I see him as an endless source of stuff to read.

Perhaps your partner has always secretly toyed with the idea of writing, and your enthusiasm has tipped the balance. Perhaps he's trying to taken an interest in part of your life. I don't know.

I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings. Not at all. Just suggesting some more positive ways to look at the situation.

Bettedra - my husband is a film-maker and writer and he's just about the best asset I could possibly have. Send that inner child to her room, and embrace the fact that you're going to have some-one to talk to who really understands what you're going through, who can read and discuss your work (and likely will) and who'll learn to celebrate every step of the process instead of just asking you "When can I buy a copy?"

There is nothing - but nothing - better that a beloved who shares the process. Truly - you're blessed!

Also -

Whatever happens, I'm choosing to proceed with grace and maturity (as much as I can muster, anyway). Having feelings is not the same as being at the mercy of them

Click to expand...

I thought this was just gorgeous!!!

My partner is a medical student, studying to be a doctor. He has said that he's not a writer and leaves that up to me. That's not to say that he isn't supportive. When I got my book cover, the first thing he did was post it on facebook and a few other websites he frequents. He's also been my biggest cheerleader, telling everyone when my book is released, acting as a sounding bored for the terrible rejection letters, and listening to me talk about my characters like they're actual human beings.

That being said, if someday he chose to write, I would hope that I have the graciousness to behave in the same manner he has. As long as he doesn't write in my genre that is. LOL.

I understand, and I've seen it from both sides.

I've always written, but in secret. When I was young, I would actually burn my work when I was finished with it, terrified that someone might see it and laugh. My husband was the one who flat out said, "I want to write." I suggested that he change his major to English, which he did.

Only after he'd been an English major for a while did I admit to my own secret desire to write, and only at his continued and patient prodding did I get up the nerve to write something I was willing to let someone else see. It was actually my first pregnancy that pushed me over the line; my husband said that the baby would want to hear my stories and would never laugh at me, and I believed him, and wrote.

Now I'm a stay-at-home mother, and he's an English teacher. I write all the time, and he can never find the time. He has fits and starts and frustrations, while I type away...and while I've developed writerly rhino-hide, he takes writing intensely personally.

We have our moments of contented togetherness, where we each write and bounce ideas off one another and just love being writers together...but we also have issues come up, from time to time, and emotions can run pretty high. Sometimes, we both feel like I'm living his dream.

On the other hand, when I started actually talking about writing, no one other than my husband wanted to talk shop; no one seemed to give a rat's ass, honestly. Only recently did our circle of friends start thinking of me as a writer. About that same time, I started a blog.

So guess what? Another person in our circle of friends suddenly started telling everyone that she was a writer, too, and she started a blog about her writing just days after I announced starting my own. I was torn at first. It was like there was this part of me that I had struggled with, and had been working on for years, and had barely begun to get credit for...and then BINGO, just when it finally starts to happen, someone else jumps in and automatically gets just as much credit. Childish, I know, and really, how am I to know the desires of her heart, or how long she's been writing? But those feelings were there, even though I tried to keep them buried deep inside.

On the other hand, I also hoped that she and I would have this whole new thing to talk about, this new common interest to explore and maybe even help each other with. I thought it could deepen our friendship. So I was kind of weird about it, yes, but at the same time, pretty darn excited.

Then I tried to talk about it, telling her how excited I was that she was writing, and how we should talk shop some time, and she wouldn't. She gave me a tight smile, nodded slightly, and changed the subject. And that's all I've ever been able to get out of her. I've even tried to get her to come here to AW--several times--but can write about this now because she simply refuses to get into any dialog about writing. At least with me.

*sigh*

My conclusion is that writing is emotional for a lot of people, myself, my husband, and my friend included. It cuts to the core of who we are, and it takes courage to share it with each other, much less the world--or is it the other way around? Sometimes, I have an easier time submitting to agents than to anyone I know in real life.

I can see the difficulty with you and your husband, but I really do believe that you can turn this into a way to bring you closer together. My suggestion is that you be honest with your husband about your feelings--all of them, ugly or not--and hear him out, too. He might surprise you.

I kind of get where you're coming from... whilst my hubby doesn't want to be a writer, we started roleplaying again a few months ago with him DMing. We have a young daughter (18 months old) and I usually try and snatch a few minutes to write when she is napping - that's basically it (right now she is sat next to me watching Roary the Racing Car and I am having to fend her off since she thinks bashing the keyboard is so funny... I can cope with this for little posts, but not when I am supposed to be writing seriously!). We both work, but are on holiday right now - for the last week, I think I have written about 2,000 words (not a great deal).

So how come my hubby, who is allegedly part of this whole parenting deal, has managed to square away entire afternoons that he can dedicate to writing?!? Oh, that's right - because he's the *daddy* in this deal. And, allegedly, I don't have a deadline, whereas he has to write, because everyone is coming over tonight to play and he still hasn't finished those undead templates he needs... so can I watch the baby and make sure she doesn't disturb him?

Does it work the other way around? Does it hell. I went upstairs the other day to write in the bedroom - within quarter of an hour, hubby was at the door, asking inane questions about bananas, are there any more nappies, can Lucy have a biscuit etc. Then the screaming started - not crying, but shrieks of joy as daddy began throwing daughter dearest around, chasing her and playing 'monsters'. Yes, it was lovely to hear daddy playing with his daughter, but I couldn't write with that amount of noise going on. Then, after an hour and 500 forced, muddled words, I went back downstairs, only to have to face an afternoon of washing up, nappy changing, playing duplo (which is, admittedly, fun) and clearing up (so much clearing up...) whilst hubby - yep, you've guessed it! - got on with his writing. All 3 hours of it. He even had the gall to ask me to keep it down with her so he could concentrate.

Excuse me whilst I scream just a little bit into this handy cushion...

(Sorry for hijaking, but yeah, I do get your pain, even if mine is slightly different! ).

Bettedra said:

Do any of you have spouses/partners who are writers? How is the two-writer-household dynamic?

Click to expand...

My ex was quite a prominant psychologist, and he wrote alot and was very well respected in his field.

It was great for us though, because I don't write non-fic anymore and he didn't write fiction, so we never felt like we were stealing thunder. Plus we had the shared benefit of understanding how the other felt.

Even when I was working in academia, out feilds were so different that it wasn't an issue, like I said, he was a psychologist and I was a specialist in an obscure branch of veterinary medicine.

I'd be pissed off too, and want to know, "What? Am I not allowed to have anything for myself? You have to muscle in on this, too?"

An ex of mine was (still is) a journalist. I used to envy him because he got to write for a living! (Until I saw the first of his reports on a local council meeting discussing such fascinating subjects as pavement width...)
He's been talking about writing a novel...pretty much since I've known him. In the meantime I've published several short stories and a book of poetry, written 5 novels and got an agent.
My current S.O. is a writer - hasn't been doing it as long as I have, but he's serious about it, he's written three novels and got better with each one. And it's great having someone who gets it. I like nothing better than sitting in a room opposite him while we both bash keys - or alternatively fling wild ideas around over a bottle of wine.
Some people have the bug, some just fancy playing with the idea. If your other half isn't meant to be a writer, he'll give up. If he is, then he could be a fabulous asset as many others have said.
But Mistress Elysia - jeez. That's...annoying. How come his writing is more important than yours? If nothing else, I'd suggest investing in big, soundproof headphones if you can afford them. You don't even have to have any music playing if you don't want, you can have white noise, or nothing. But it might help let you get on with the writing time you do get. And maybe a serious word or two with hubby about shared responsibilities...

Another thing, if his writing, he can't complain that you spent too much time on the computer or that you are having an affair with it.