I do believe in expectations :D

So from time to time I see us discussing this topic and I'm putting this here so SK or OFG can port it somewhere else if it doesn't belong.

Having said that, I just want to say, please PLEASE do not bicker.

Yeah right...right?

I had an experience recently with a guy. (shock I know, I said I'd never venture that direction again) But something is really nagging at me and because of it, I basically told him in the nicest possible way to fuck off.

Here's what happened.

Me: I have a blog, did you know that?
Him: hmm. no.
Me: Here's the URL. Give it a go sometime.
Him: So here's a photo of the bike I want.
Me: If you do read it, start from post one. It will make more sense.
Him: Don't even ask me to read your stuff. I have tons of friends who want me to.
Me: No worries.

Okay so, that pissed me off. Why? I didn't ask him to read a novel or some huge dissertation I'm working on. It's a blog. About something very important to me.

I even went as far as to tell him I was disappointed. Why? Because I'm soooo sick of my life being about everyone else' interest and just for once, I'd like someone to talk to me about what interests ME.

Do I ask him to ooo and aww over my precious darling words. NO! Just read the damn thing already.

Here's the thing, we've been told thanks to Pop Psychology that we aren't to "expect" things from others.

Okay fine. But what about wanting or needing? I need someone I am interested in to show that what matters to me, will be respected and at least given some attention.

He doesn't have to become a writer. He doesn't even have to read my three WIP's but dangIT!...at least talk to me about my damn blog!

Okay so I'm done ranting. Have fun with the poll and tell me, is this and expectation, a want or a need? Right or wrong? (always subjective that one anyway.

NoGuessing said:

Well I've always been under the impression people in a relationship should take an interest in each other.

Your lad seems to be adding to the pile of evidence to the contrary. It's getting a little weighty now. Silly me.

Going into the psych of it:

Humans are social creatures. There are variations of course, but by and large we'd like someone to take an interest in us. Doubly so with potential partners, because we're a species who care for their young after birth, and we need to know if hunter gatherer man gives a damn.

So I'd say it's a need and you're very much entitled to be pissed off if the above example is a trend. Doubly so if you've invested a lot of energy in his interests, which it sounds like you have.

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I've known him for 14 years now. Sometimes more...sometimes less and I've not been inclined before to try to be more than friends and it's because it's always bleeding about him.

Ack. And when I tried to talk about it he said, "right, before I say anything, I'm going to bed. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

I said..Nope, no tomorrow.

I'm always letting people shelve discussions and then nothing is done about my concerns. I'm done with that.

scarletpeaches said:

I'd say it's all of the above. I would expect a loved one to give a damn. I want them to because it feels nice. And I need them to, otherwise the relationship dies.

Oh, and sorry for agreeing with you Cass.

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Right. that's it! You keep promising to stop agreeing with me and then you go and do it...AGAIN!

I'll think of something appropriate to punish you with.

Gugland said:

Totally agree with what everyone said. But, for myself, I don't expect it from anyone. If someone actually comes thru and demonstrates an interest in my life and is supportive, then I might pursue things further. But I gave up expecting jack shit from people. I live by the pessimists code: expectation begets disappointment.

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Yes, I can see that.

However, I get crapped on for backing out of their life then. I figure if someone isn't willing to be reciprocal in a relationship, I'm out.

scarletpeaches said:

I've been accused of being demanding for this very thing. I don't accomodate.

Thing is, I do - and you do, too, Cass. I guess we're just sick of always making the first move, always giving. It's nice to be chased, pursued and hell, valued sometimes too.

Everything this thread talks about goes both ways, but it's not healthy to fall into the trap of a never-ending series of small acts of servitude. That leads to frustration.

It's not that you don't value the other person and that's why you walk away - more like you value yourself too much to be a doormat.

/mature

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Oh he was all for the chase until I actually turned around and said, "right, you want to be involved. let's start as friends and get to know each other...REALLY."

He was all for that too and subjected me to hours of mind-numbing chatter about motor cycles, planned trips and IT stuff. I kept up for as long as I could stand it before I asked him to talk to me about my research and the blog.

heh. I'm getting better though. Took me all of one week to say, Oh fuck it all. I'm done with you.

megoblocks said:

I say you take off and nuke him from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

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I sooo like how you think.

Paul said:

Depend on another to fulfil you and you're in for a lifetime of disappointment.
the key word in a relationship 'share'.
If that's aint there, nothing is.
IMO, you're annoyed at yourself for making a incorrect judgement about someone, a judgement you knew was incorrect, but one you still applied.
The key is to examine this so called 'need' you talk about. This experience is an opp to take a closer look at 'need' and 'want.

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Wow. Paul! I could have sworn that was the purpose of this thread!

Who said a damn thing about having him fulfill me? This isn't about fulfillment. It's about being paid fucking attention to!

Paul said:

Wll seemed to me that your required affirmation from this guy. By 'share' I mean a crossing of selves. Need is very different.

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No, I don't need his affirmation. I know I'm bloody brilliant.

I wanted him to show interest in what I do. If he's so self centered he can't think past himself, he's not for me. Which clearly, he has shown.

But it brings up an interesting question which this thread is posing. You are missing the point and going off on all the pop psych theories of the day and missing that this isn't about needing him to like my writing.

It's about relationships.

scarletpeaches said:

Yeah. Orbit-nuking. It's the way of the future.

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Just ...what vehicle to use to get there???

*ponders*

Paul said:

Need = wrong. (a want is the same as need in this situation ,imo)

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we interrupt our regularly schedule program for this public service announcement.

Paul, if you are writing this post, It's your opinion.


We now return you to the discussion at hand.

scarletpeaches said:

Pogo sticks. Duh. Must I think of everything?

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well...duh...clearly.