View Full Version : Beta for first 50 pages of dystopian?

07-25-2010, 09:55 PM
Okay, so I've been revising this for a while now, and so that I can move on and get my head screwed on straight, I'd love for someone to take a look at the first 50 pages (approximately 12,000 words) of my dystopian novel.

The query for it is as follows:
In a world where Biblical truth has been twisted after an apocalypse, Eden is the last bastion of humanity, ruled by God and protected by His Warriors. Androkles is the best of them, consistently killing more Demons, mankind’s mortal enemy, than any other commander.

After attacking a fellow Warrior, he is branded a heretic. Restoring his reputation is all he wants when he leads his company on a routine mission outside Eden. Forty days later, Androkles returns. The toxic desert has spared him alone. Androkles is hailed a prophet, especially when he explains the time was spent in heaven.

But it’s a lie. He was captured by Demons, shown their world of freedom and plenty, and asked to betray his own.

Both sides tear at his loyalties. In Eden he’s promised eternal glory, but the city’s tarnish fades quickly to expose the barbarism within, making the promises of the Demon’s leader seem ever more seductive. Androkles doesn’t know who is right or which side to fight for in the coming war. When he learns God is a selfish, vindictive old man and the Demons threaten genocide unless he helps them, he engineers his own victory. By poisoning the Warriors he now loathes, Eden’s innocents may survive.

But the Demons are coming, and timing is everything. If he gets it right, the people of Eden will embark on their exodus and take with them the best parts of Eden. If he fails, everyone dies, everything burns, and no one will ever remember Eden – or him.

The first thousand or so words of it can be found here (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=179626)

07-31-2010, 08:18 PM
I hope it's not gauche for me to bump this, as I've not had any replies here or privately.

08-01-2010, 04:25 AM
Hey there Kateness! I'd LOVE to take a look, it sounds amazing! I'm doing a demon WIP at the moment too, so your work's right up my alley!

Prepare to be PM'd any second now ;)

08-02-2010, 06:03 AM
If you will look at my first fifty, you've got yourself a deal.

09-17-2010, 11:07 PM
I'm bumping this, because I didn't get any feedback.

09-18-2010, 01:18 AM
Hey Kateness,

I've got some free time this weekend, so I wouldn't mind taking a look at your first 50. The premise sounded pretty cool to me.

I'm new, though, so it's an at-your-own-risk kind of thing, I guess. (I have no street cred.) But I can promise feedback.


09-18-2010, 08:06 PM
Kateness, congratulations on winning the AuthorCulture contest. I liked your story, too.

09-18-2010, 10:01 PM
Sounds interesting. I've also completed a dystopian/fantasy. I'm working with three other betas right now and don't want to take on too many reads. But if I find one of them doesn't need me right away, I'd love to swap with you. PM me if interested.