View Full Version : Did you miss me?

PA Sock Puppit
09-07-2005, 02:49 AM
Mr. C has asked me to take time from my very busy schedule of helping prepare them for their law suit trial and trying to figure out if we still have to pay royalties to our authors on the Gulf coast to address an increasing problem.

Put simply, you people are getting out of hand. Trying to break your contracts and complaining about everything wastes our times. You are making fools of yourselves and you make us sick. You make us sick all the time, but you make us especially sick when you engage in these infantile pursuits when you haven't a snowball's chance in h-e-double hockey sticks of getting anywhere with us.

Long before you were born, there was a man named Laurence of Arabia and he was riding a camel in the desert and doing Arabian things when he felt a pain in his nether regions.
"Oh, my nuts!", he exclaimed.

This reminds me of my Uncle Fred who hated having a prostate exam. When the doctor told him to turn his head and cough, old Uncle Fred would let out a big ole fart.

But back to Laurence of Arabia. We here at PillageAmerica feel that for too many years, transportation modes have not taken into account the delicacy of the family jewels. Camels, motorcycles, hang gliding harnesses, you name it, they squish it.

Now that you understand the gravity of the issue, you can plainly see why it's a fitting illustration for your annoying whining. We gave your book the chance it deserves, so now shut up! We don't give a rat's patoot what you think or want or need. Just buy your books from us and all will be well.

We are thinking of ammending our contract with this new clause:


In conclusion, refrain from sending us emails whining about your contract or your book. As Laurence and many a fine general before him said when in similar circumstances : "Nuts!".

And that's all we have to say to you.:box: :wag: :guns: :Ssh:

PA Sock Puppit
09-07-2005, 03:00 AM
Helo, I am a happy authir and I wuld like to say that you nede to stop teleen us that we made a mystake by using PuneshAmerica as owr publesher. They gived us the chance we duserv and we shuld make them prowd not complayn.

I goed in with both eyes opened and I know I is a publeshed authir and will have to work hard that's okay. It's is okay that no agint will take my PA book as a serius publeshing kredit and that magizieens will not revyou my book it's ok I jest have to work more harder that's all.

If you wanted to get rich kwik well then you was stupid to begen with you got to ekspect to work real hard.

That's all I got to say and I agree with PA support, Nuts to you!
Thank you, PA !!!!!!! ........I foget to say that 10 times today im sorry.

09-07-2005, 03:30 AM
yes, I did miss you desperately.
I haven't had a good laugh all day.
thank you.

PA Sock Puppit
09-07-2005, 04:25 AM
Banned-Aide, I appreciate your support. Why just a few minutes ago, Mr. Weeners was checking a filing cabinet for form letters, and when he slid it shut, he caught his berries in the drawer. ( He's very well endowed.) So he yelled "NUTS!!!" and of course all the employees took note, and assumed it was time to send out the "Nuts!' form letter. It's always good to send out a little intimidation now and again, so no harm done, except to Mr. W's crotchal area.

I have to go to the bank now. As you probably know, it's royalty check time. We did pretty well. Our grand total for checks issued: $345.86. Total intake from author purchases of their books for the 6 month period: $ 1,789,945.78. Not bad, eh? And after the $11/hour we pay our editors and the $3.89 we pay our web designers and art department, my bosses still had enough to join a fancy schmancy country club in D.C.

To all who are trying to take down PA, I quote the late great President Richard M. Nixon who said, " I'll erase the tape myself."
Nuts to you!

William Haskins
09-07-2005, 04:43 AM
"i love legitimate theeeeahter."


09-07-2005, 04:45 AM
I'm still laughing and I can't stop. Being PUBLISHED has finally sent me over the edge. I am truly insane.

After 4 years with PunishAmerica, I got my royalty check today and it's for $29.00. Where oh where shall I spend it? Perhaps I should sign the back and send it back to Meiners. Someone on the PA board is suggesting everybody do that and Willie could show how classy he is. He could match all the authors donations and send it to the people in the gulf region. How much is two times 345.86? I can no longer think. I'm just so grateful that PA has given my book the chance it deserves. Does anybody think he is classy?

I must go now. There are two men in white coats that want to take me to a happier place.


PA Sock Puppit
09-07-2005, 05:26 AM
Oh dear, I'm afraid all this rukus has upset Mr. Weeners. He's in the corner, twitching, and his secretary told us in a hushed voice outside the copy room/art department that he lost one of his testicles in a freak hunting accident. Whenever he hears the word "nuts" he has to go in a corner and find his happy place. No, not that happy place. I mean the one in his mind, where he can escape the trauma. It didn't help that he found a pubic hair in his Coke. It's too much...too much I tell you. Too much for one humble genius of a man to take.

We here at PutrifyingArmpits feel that we are already doing our share in helping humanity by making their dreams come true, however, if anyone cares to send back their royalty checks or cash ( we prefer unmarked bills) to us, we'll make sure some type of charity gets it, to help the hurricane victims. Really, we will. I mean it. Trust us.

09-07-2005, 05:35 AM
Dear Miz. Pupit. It hasent been the same aruond here w/out you. Queen Jena told us you retired. Now I guess you fount out that Socalled Secuirty system aint what its cracked up to be & you was better off goin back too work huh.

I have an idea for Bannedaid what to do w/ that 2 times $345.86 dollers. Now 2 times that much is, I dont know but, its allot, like its $500 dollers or more. You no the cost of haelth care nowdays. Why dosent your Companey use it to get a turnickwet for Mister Weeners who enjured himself in the privats. That much $ ought to buy him a big enoughf 1.


09-07-2005, 05:38 AM
Absolutely thrilled to see you back here, Sock Puppit, bobbing and weaving and telling it like it is with the CEO's hand thrust firmly up your fundament.

Some people are just so ungrateful, whingeing about their so-called unpaid royalties when they should be thanking PunitiveAssertions for being generous enough to print their drivel in the first place. It's like the left cheek of a black guy's a*se - it ain't fair, and it ain't right.

I thought, with all the hassles you guys have got, that I should cheer you up with some good news. I've just, like, wrote this book thingy in the last 48 hours, which your highly qualified and selective colleagues at PositivelyArraigned have already agreed to publish. It's called - wait for it -

Shock and Awe

It's a kinda political thriller on a topical subject, wet and windy ole Katrina. The 'Shock' bit is about how three layers of American government was prepared to demonstrate to the whole world that they don't give a s*it about people, especially poor ones, because the country is hostage to politicians, doctors, lawyers and oil/armaments company executives. And the 'Awe' part is a sorta premonition of my reaction to the show we're gonna see as they try to spin their way out of it using crack assault teams of PR folks, who've been choppered in from all parts of the nation. (Seems it caused a bit of a chopper shortage down south).

You kindly offered to answer our questions, and I've got a really important one for you:

What should I wear when I'm accepting next year's Pulitzer Prize?

PA Sock Puppit
09-07-2005, 05:59 AM
I will have to answer your questions later because Mr. W needs Kool Aide and a foot massage.
As Mr. William Haskins has shown, we have the endorsement of the honorable Homer J. Simpson, but I want to tell you that our role model is none other than Michael Jackson herself. She has always been a visionary, and in yet another move that puts her ahead of her time, just like us here at PA, Michael has announced that she's building a landing strip for aliens. Michael also announced that she is, in fact, an alien herself, which explains a lot.


Kudos, Michael, for your far reaching vision, your ability to be oblivious to your own weirdness, and your business accumen. Bravo!

PA Sock Puppit
09-07-2005, 09:03 AM
pianoman, I suggest a velvet tux.:ROFL: Please do send your manuscript so we can give it the chance it deserves ( to die a slow death on the internet.)

Reef, I wasn't really retired. I was undercover, trying to bust errant authors who have figured out our scam, I mean, sending us spam. Yeah, lots of complaint spam. No good and ungrateful they are.

09-07-2005, 04:25 PM
sock puppit i am glad to hear u r back because i have saved up a lot of questions and the guys on the subway sprayed me with mace when i tried to ask them so i am really glad u r back. my first question is that since i sent my underwear to the pa office i have had a bad itch. i mean real bad. and i do not mean on my back even tho that spot on your back where u cannot reach is a bad place to itch no i mean real bad in a place people stare at u for scratching. things r getting pretty raw and i was wondering will pa send somebody around from the health office to where i work cause that is soooooooooooo embarrassing when the health office people show up where u work and tell u u have to b fumigated so if pa is going to send someone i will be out sick that day.

pa is great!

09-07-2005, 05:25 PM
Dear PA,
I am so happy that you are giving me a chance to become one of your shining legions of authors from sea to shining see! I enclose my amnsucrit of my autobiogarfy, I have a really intresting story and Iknow people everywher ewill be reafing it, it's the story of how since I was a child i have been seeing aliens and other Ets and gosts in bottles, me it was hoo was bidding for that bottle gost, its so intresting, and Im wondering if I shud get with micahel jackson to write a story about aliens, also I was tramatised by my hsbamnd who is a setrial kller, he locked me in a r0o,m for 12 years, and that's the truth. ANyway, I enclose the manuscript, please excusemy handwriting and the mistakes but I know you have good edotors there ot correct them and |I l;ook forward to saying I'ma REAL PUBLISHED AUTHOSR YIPEEE!

tresa Foot.

09-07-2005, 05:31 PM
PA Pipp Suckot,

Where did you go? Have you been busy filling out royalty checks and writing on-line reviews?

Rob :)

09-07-2005, 05:33 PM

09-07-2005, 05:34 PM
Hey, Mr. Weeners! I'm the CEO of GallMart, and do I have a deal for you. I think a joint venture between PubicAnnihilator and GallMart is necessary to keep up with all those other publishing/marketing geniuses around the country. Here's what I propose, and I know you can sell it to your hardworking authors. Tell them that we want to link one of their books to one of our Best Cellars here at GallMart. For, say $900, we will guarantee to give a 3% discount on your author's book when bought with one of our Best Cellars. And we can give them two other incentives. (1) We will guarantee that we will stock three covers of their books right on our shelves for a full month, right next to the enema bags and other essentials where customers will see them. (2) We will allow your author to serve a whole day as restroom attendant at the closest GallMart store so he/she can autograph copies of the book and pass them out with paper towels. Think of it--an honest-to-goodness partnership between two of the greatest testaments to free enterprise in the world. And your authors, dedicated as they are, will get the exposure they deserve. We might even make a buck or $899.

What do you say? I'm expecting a run on enema bags since the government has requisitioned a truck load for New Orleans. The shelf is available.

PA Sock Puppit
09-07-2005, 07:27 PM
Why does everyone email us? Why oh why oh why????

Aconite, I remember you. You sent that lacy thong to Mr. Crappers that he keeps in his top desk drawer. I'm sorry to hear you have an itch now, "down there" .... man, that's embarrassing! We don't have any health inspectors coming to the PA office because Mr. W paid off everyone at the beginning of the year. Where do you think a big chunk of our profits go? If we didn't pay off officials, we might not be here to give everyone's (and I do mean everyone!) book the chance it deserves. We are rapidly expanding and upping our daily quotas to meet the demand. Why, our editors eat Zantac like candy, we stress them so much. So if you have an itch in your crotchal area, just remember, it could be worse. You could be an overworked and underpaid PA editor.

Aruna, I related your query to the acquisitions editor, and she is literally drooling and biting at the bit to get her hands on your manuscript file. You have written the type of book that we love here at PublicAmputation. Please send it ( by email only) so we can give it the chance it deserves.*

Rob, we leave it up to our happy authors to give eachother lots and lots of glowing 5 star reviews. Like we'd bother doing anything once a book is published.:ROFL: As I said earlier, I was undercover, trying to bust errant PA authors who are troublemakers and scheming to take us down. You can't do it! We're invincible!
The royalty checks are made out by Mrs. Krabapple's second grade class. It's good practice for them as they are learning to write their numbers up to one hundred.

Carole, one of our phone lines went dead after Mr. Crappers over-flowed the toilet, and I was wondering, since your husband is such a good samaritan, if he'd come and fix it for free, since we here at PathosAmerica like to save a buck any way we can.

NeuroFizz, I told Mr. Weeners your idea about GallMart and he says you are a GENIUS. He wants to know if you'd like to become a partner. He says you'd get 1.004% of PA's profits, a nice HMO health plan, and free coupons for McDonald's! What do you say? Your idea is good because then those suckers, I mean authors, will brag that they are stocked in an actual store and all their friends and relations will go to Gallmart to buy their books along with enema bags and Cheetos. Mr. W asks that you send a crate of enema bags. Ever since he lost his testicle in a freak hunting accident, he has had a problem with constipation. And don't even get me started on his hemorrhoids! If those whiny, infantile complainers only knew the suffering he endures, they would understand why he sends out the "Nuts!" form letter.

That reminds me, Mr. C asked me to compose a few more form letters. These blasted authors are asking more complex questions and it's giving author suppository a headache trying to figure out what form letter to send. Why can't these nutjobs be content with the chance we gave them to be published authors? Ungrateful lemmings!

*Buy your books from us to make up for our expenses and to send Nervanda to the spa for waxing.

09-07-2005, 07:42 PM
Carole, one of our phone lines went dead after Mr. Crappers over-flowed the toilet, and I was wondering, since your husband is such a good samaritan, if he'd come and fix it for free, since we here at PathosAmerica like to save a buck any way we can.

Why,sure! I just called him and he says that he'll be there just as soon as my dear friends receive their royalty checks! They promised to help him pay for the gas in the truck, so that's kind of a priority! They're all packed and ready to help you, so if it isn't too much of a bother, could you overnight the checks? Thanks a bunch! You're a peach!

PA Sock Puppit
09-07-2005, 07:53 PM
What the #$@% ! We thought we were going to get out of paying royalties in the gulf coast region thanks to the hurricane. Uh, let me check with Mr. Crapola. I don't know if he would ask Mrs. Krabapple's class to make out any more checks because she's kind of mad that he only bought 3 candy bars for their fundraiser as payment.

PA Sock Puppit
09-07-2005, 08:08 PM

To all PA authors,
It has come to our attention that some of you are posting negative topics on our message board. Let me remind you that it is a priviledge to have posting rights on our board. We have to pay InfoMonkey overtime to monitor the board because of all your underhanded, ungrateful behavior. Info is so stressed that he's going through bags and bags of peanuts, and flinging the shells all over the floor. Yesterday, a brand new editor slipped and fell on the peanut shells, and Mr. Craponastick had to run over to the 99 cent store to buy her a new pair of shoes. This is all your fault! You ought to be ashamed of yourselves! have you nothing better to do than engage in such infantile behavior?
I particularly want to address our authors from the UK who have been especially irksome as of late. Stop asking us about PublishBritannica! And don't worry about whether or not we have an office in the UK - we don't want to see you in person!
To all - stop posting about your royalties unless it's to say "Thank you, PA!".
It's highly important to keep in mind that the public board is a means we use to rope in more suckers, I mean authors. Therefore, posting any question that puts us in a bad light or making complaints is NOT GOOD and if you think I'm kidding, just see what will happen to your future windfall of royalties if we go out of business due to your insolent bahavior! Must I threaten you like this? Why do you force us to continue to have to emotionally manipulate you to get you to stick with the program?
We here at PlaceboAmerica will continue to delete posts and ban your a$$es if you post anything - and I do mean anything - that we don't like. Remember - if it doesn't make lurkers want to sign with PA, then don't post it. Your success depends on our success, and don't you forget it!

09-07-2005, 08:32 PM
Hey Mr. W.

GallMart Honcho here again. My lawyer will contact yours as soon as he passes that tricky ethics part of the Bar Exam. I guess they ask some really misleading questions. In the meantime, can I add one perk to the deal? Any chance you can get one of your PubicAnnihilator authors to give up part of his liver? Mine is shot from too much Crown Royal. And we don't have to worry about screening. I'm already on immunosuppressants.

Enema bags on the way. I stashed some of the deluxe models with anti-backflow valves. The government only wanted the $.50 model we sell for $9.97. Of course, full federal contract price is $39, and that's a bargain. In non-disaster times, we could get $200 apiece from Uncle Sam. All this could go up, though. The demand in Iraq is about to boom. President Cheney has proposed an enema bag-for-oil deal. And, don't tell anyone, but I hear the insurgents are interested--a better way to conceal the explosives. My lawyer says it would be a patriotic thing to sell to them. After all, they blow themselves up, right?

09-07-2005, 08:46 PM
dear sock puppit, i waxed like u said but i still itch and now i hurt in differrent ways 2. my friend who is into voodoo and wicca and kabbalah and tantra and skateboarding says i gotta burn the thong or i will itch 4ever but i dont have the thong u do. so could u make mr crappers give me back my thong especially since he didnt sell movie rights to that star wars guy like he said he could? he can get another just like it at gallmart and i can stop itching before i get arrested for scratching again once the burning stops and i can touch myself without screaming.

PA Sock Puppit
09-07-2005, 09:30 PM
NeuroFiz, Ixnay on the agbay to agdadBay. Besides, we don't have authors in Iraq so we really don't care what happens there. In view of impending lawsuits, Mr. Weeners feels an alliance with GallMart is in our best interest. It's only fitting, as PA is to publishing what any store with "Mart" in it's name is to retail sales. By the way, you don't have any impending lawsuits, do you? And you're not aligned with Martha Stewart?

Aconite, because I am a deeply compassionate soul, I swapped out your thong for another that I purchased myself, but jeez louise, why did you have to send him a LaPerla thong? That sucker cost me 2 week's wages. Please take a hint from my post to NeuroFiz and stick with stores that have "Mart" in their name.
I hope that your pubic issues will now be resolved, because scratching your south pole in public is not only uncouth, it's unhealthy. Who knows what's been on anything you touch before you scratch? It could have been a terrorist with a packet of Anthrax, and some of it could have been on his hands and transferred to whatever you touched, and then you'd be admitted to the hospital and all the student doctors and nurses and the cleaning guy would be crammed into the doorway of your room staring in disgust and fear at your inflamed crotch. Is that what you want?

09-07-2005, 09:54 PM
sock puppit i didnt know u were there with the student doctors! u should have said hi. i would have said hi back.

09-07-2005, 11:07 PM
Aconite - it's probably a bad case of the Martha Stewart. I had it once myself. Same insatiable itch in the nether regions. I hear if you let it get hold of you it quickly spreads to the brain with 300-thread count dementia. Several good doses of Prairie Fires* wiped it out for good for me. And, no, the Martha Stewart is not why I'm on the immunosuppressants. On one of my GallMart scouting expeditions, I came across a home schoolers' band camp. And then the cheerleaders showed up. But, that's another story.

Weeners, as I've mentioned above, I managed to kick the Martha Stewart. Lawsuits? Don't have to worry. None of the opposing lawyers seem to survive them. I just kick them off the chat site and send a large man with a cool tin badge out to get in their faces. If that doesn't work, well, let's just say I'm told I'm doing a public service.

*Prairie Fire - shot of tequila with two dashes of tabasco.

09-08-2005, 12:23 AM
Rubs up against monitor, bats mouse, rolls over on keyboard k.sjdfkhwjkn m,sbdyfgbjfkwenm,.s;wppp;wls,,s,wkkw;.

Prrrrrr, miowf wff wff whank whank, wheet wheet hack hack.

More grate literet shure from da kat.

09-08-2005, 03:09 AM
Dear Miz. Pupit;

Im so sorry to here about Mster Weener losing 1 of the family jewls in a freak hunting acsident. That must of hurt. But I do have a ?. Was the trip worthwile otherwise, I mean did he bag any big freaks. I here some of them can run fast.


09-08-2005, 03:27 AM
[QUOTE=PA Sock Puppit]
Mr Craponastick?

09-08-2005, 05:42 AM
We're invincible!
You're a loony...

(Monty Python--Black Knight scene)

Rob :)

PA Sock Puppit
09-08-2005, 08:18 PM
Dear PillageAmerica,
Thank you for your kind words. Unlike the media, who are liars, you are giving me the chance I deserve. The media like to spread lies about me. They're ignorant! They want to bring me down because they are jealous, and they're ignorant.
I'm glad you appreciate my vision with regard to my landing strip for aliens. The Supreme Master of my own planet outside our solar system, Obe-Whon Weirdoni, commended me for my efforts. We have international airports, why not an intergalactic one? Aliens have made their presence known for decades and what have we done to welcome them? Nothing! It's ignorant!
My alien landing strip will be state of the art. We're going to have a strip mall and replicas of all the rides at Disneyland. Contact my attorney for more details.
Since you give people the chance they deserve with your own far reaching vision, PA, I want to make you an offer. I would like to have a PA office on site at the landing strip. Not an imaginary one like in Milton Keynes, but a real office with real people working in it. You see, those aliens will be traveling a long way and will have many stories to share. Stories of their jounrney, their culture, their hopes and dreams, and what they were thinking when they made all those crop circles. You, PA, would be the first and only publisher to sign alien authors.
I welcome you to my vision for the future. When the aliens float off their space ships, the PA office will be one of the first things they see. I look forward to working with you.

The KING of Pop