Did you miss me?

Mr. C has asked me to take time from my very busy schedule of helping prepare them for their law suit trial and trying to figure out if we still have to pay royalties to our authors on the Gulf coast to address an increasing problem.

Put simply, you people are getting out of hand. Trying to break your contracts and complaining about everything wastes our times. You are making fools of yourselves and you make us sick. You make us sick all the time, but you make us especially sick when you engage in these infantile pursuits when you haven't a snowball's chance in h-e-double hockey sticks of getting anywhere with us.

Long before you were born, there was a man named Laurence of Arabia and he was riding a camel in the desert and doing Arabian things when he felt a pain in his nether regions.
"Oh, my nuts!", he exclaimed.

This reminds me of my Uncle Fred who hated having a prostate exam. When the doctor told him to turn his head and cough, old Uncle Fred would let out a big ole fart.

But back to Laurence of Arabia. We here at PillageAmerica feel that for too many years, transportation modes have not taken into account the delicacy of the family jewels. Camels, motorcycles, hang gliding harnesses, you name it, they squish it.

Now that you understand the gravity of the issue, you can plainly see why it's a fitting illustration for your annoying whining. We gave your book the chance it deserves, so now shut up! We don't give a rat's patoot what you think or want or need. Just buy your books from us and all will be well.

We are thinking of ammending our contract with this new clause:

SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE!

In conclusion, refrain from sending us emails whining about your contract or your book. As Laurence and many a fine general before him said when in similar circumstances : "Nuts!".

And that's all we have to say to you.

Quet trying to save me from PutridAmway!

Helo, I am a happy authir and I wuld like to say that you nede to stop teleen us that we made a mystake by using PuneshAmerica as owr publesher. They gived us the chance we duserv and we shuld make them prowd not complayn.

I goed in with both eyes opened and I know I is a publeshed authir and will have to work hard that's okay. It's is okay that no agint will take my PA book as a serius publeshing kredit and that magizieens will not revyou my book it's ok I jest have to work more harder that's all.

If you wanted to get rich kwik well then you was stupid to begen with you got to ekspect to work real hard.

That's all I got to say and I agree with PA support, Nuts to you!
Thank you, PA !!!!!!! ........I foget to say that 10 times today im sorry.

Banned-Aide, I appreciate your support. Why just a few minutes ago, Mr. Weeners was checking a filing cabinet for form letters, and when he slid it shut, he caught his berries in the drawer. ( He's very well endowed.) So he yelled "NUTS!!!" and of course all the employees took note, and assumed it was time to send out the "Nuts!' form letter. It's always good to send out a little intimidation now and again, so no harm done, except to Mr. W's crotchal area.

I have to go to the bank now. As you probably know, it's royalty check time. We did pretty well. Our grand total for checks issued: $345.86. Total intake from author purchases of their books for the 6 month period: $ 1,789,945.78. Not bad, eh? And after the $11/hour we pay our editors and the $3.89 we pay our web designers and art department, my bosses still had enough to join a fancy schmancy country club in D.C.

To all who are trying to take down PA, I quote the late great President Richard M. Nixon who said, " I'll erase the tape myself."
Nuts to you!

Oh dear, I'm afraid all this rukus has upset Mr. Weeners. He's in the corner, twitching, and his secretary told us in a hushed voice outside the copy room/art department that he lost one of his testicles in a freak hunting accident. Whenever he hears the word "nuts" he has to go in a corner and find his happy place. No, not that happy place. I mean the one in his mind, where he can escape the trauma. It didn't help that he found a pubic hair in his Coke. It's too much...too much I tell you. Too much for one humble genius of a man to take.

We here at PutrifyingArmpits feel that we are already doing our share in helping humanity by making their dreams come true, however, if anyone cares to send back their royalty checks or cash ( we prefer unmarked bills) to us, we'll make sure some type of charity gets it, to help the hurricane victims. Really, we will. I mean it. Trust us.

Michael Jackson - our hero

I will have to answer your questions later because Mr. W needs Kool Aide and a foot massage.
As Mr. William Haskins has shown, we have the endorsement of the honorable Homer J. Simpson, but I want to tell you that our role model is none other than Michael Jackson herself. She has always been a visionary, and in yet another move that puts her ahead of her time, just like us here at PA, Michael has announced that she's building a landing strip for aliens. Michael also announced that she is, in fact, an alien herself, which explains a lot.

http://channels.netscape.com/ns/atplay/package.jsp?name=atplay/pm/popkingparanormal

Kudos, Michael, for your far reaching vision, your ability to be oblivious to your own weirdness, and your business accumen. Bravo!

pianoman, I suggest a velvet tux. Please do send your manuscript so we can give it the chance it deserves ( to die a slow death on the internet.)


Reef, I wasn't really retired. I was undercover, trying to bust errant authors who have figured out our scam, I mean, sending us spam. Yeah, lots of complaint spam. No good and ungrateful they are.

Why does everyone email us? Why oh why oh why????

Aconite, I remember you. You sent that lacy thong to Mr. Crappers that he keeps in his top desk drawer. I'm sorry to hear you have an itch now, "down there" .... man, that's embarrassing! We don't have any health inspectors coming to the PA office because Mr. W paid off everyone at the beginning of the year. Where do you think a big chunk of our profits go? If we didn't pay off officials, we might not be here to give everyone's (and I do mean everyone!) book the chance it deserves. We are rapidly expanding and upping our daily quotas to meet the demand. Why, our editors eat Zantac like candy, we stress them so much. So if you have an itch in your crotchal area, just remember, it could be worse. You could be an overworked and underpaid PA editor.

Aruna, I related your query to the acquisitions editor, and she is literally drooling and biting at the bit to get her hands on your manuscript file. You have written the type of book that we love here at PublicAmputation. Please send it ( by email only) so we can give it the chance it deserves.*

Rob, we leave it up to our happy authors to give eachother lots and lots of glowing 5 star reviews. Like we'd bother doing anything once a book is published. As I said earlier, I was undercover, trying to bust errant PA authors who are troublemakers and scheming to take us down. You can't do it! We're invincible!
The royalty checks are made out by Mrs. Krabapple's second grade class. It's good practice for them as they are learning to write their numbers up to one hundred.

Carole, one of our phone lines went dead after Mr. Crappers over-flowed the toilet, and I was wondering, since your husband is such a good samaritan, if he'd come and fix it for free, since we here at PathosAmerica like to save a buck any way we can.

NeuroFizz, I told Mr. Weeners your idea about GallMart and he says you are a GENIUS. He wants to know if you'd like to become a partner. He says you'd get 1.004% of PA's profits, a nice HMO health plan, and free coupons for McDonald's! What do you say? Your idea is good because then those suckers, I mean authors, will brag that they are stocked in an actual store and all their friends and relations will go to Gallmart to buy their books along with enema bags and Cheetos. Mr. W asks that you send a crate of enema bags. Ever since he lost his testicle in a freak hunting accident, he has had a problem with constipation. And don't even get me started on his hemorrhoids! If those whiny, infantile complainers only knew the suffering he endures, they would understand why he sends out the "Nuts!" form letter.

That reminds me, Mr. C asked me to compose a few more form letters. These blasted authors are asking more complex questions and it's giving author suppository a headache trying to figure out what form letter to send. Why can't these nutjobs be content with the chance we gave them to be published authors? Ungrateful lemmings!

*Buy your books from us to make up for our expenses and to send Nervanda to the spa for waxing.

What the #$@% ! We thought we were going to get out of paying royalties in the gulf coast region thanks to the hurricane. Uh, let me check with Mr. Crapola. I don't know if he would ask Mrs. Krabapple's class to make out any more checks because she's kind of mad that he only bought 3 candy bars for their fundraiser as payment.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!

PLEASE CAREFULLY READ THIS EMAIL!

To all PA authors,
It has come to our attention that some of you are posting negative topics on our message board. Let me remind you that it is a priviledge to have posting rights on our board. We have to pay InfoMonkey overtime to monitor the board because of all your underhanded, ungrateful behavior. Info is so stressed that he's going through bags and bags of peanuts, and flinging the shells all over the floor. Yesterday, a brand new editor slipped and fell on the peanut shells, and Mr. Craponastick had to run over to the 99 cent store to buy her a new pair of shoes. This is all your fault! You ought to be ashamed of yourselves! have you nothing better to do than engage in such infantile behavior?
I particularly want to address our authors from the UK who have been especially irksome as of late. Stop asking us about PublishBritannica! And don't worry about whether or not we have an office in the UK - we don't want to see you in person!
To all - stop posting about your royalties unless it's to say "Thank you, PA!".
It's highly important to keep in mind that the public board is a means we use to rope in more suckers, I mean authors. Therefore, posting any question that puts us in a bad light or making complaints is NOT GOOD and if you think I'm kidding, just see what will happen to your future windfall of royalties if we go out of business due to your insolent bahavior! Must I threaten you like this? Why do you force us to continue to have to emotionally manipulate you to get you to stick with the program?
We here at PlaceboAmerica will continue to delete posts and ban your a$$es if you post anything - and I do mean anything - that we don't like. Remember - if it doesn't make lurkers want to sign with PA, then don't post it. Your success depends on our success, and don't you forget it!

NeuroFiz, Ixnay on the agbay to agdadBay. Besides, we don't have authors in Iraq so we really don't care what happens there. In view of impending lawsuits, Mr. Weeners feels an alliance with GallMart is in our best interest. It's only fitting, as PA is to publishing what any store with "Mart" in it's name is to retail sales. By the way, you don't have any impending lawsuits, do you? And you're not aligned with Martha Stewart?


Aconite, because I am a deeply compassionate soul, I swapped out your thong for another that I purchased myself, but jeez louise, why did you have to send him a LaPerla thong? That sucker cost me 2 week's wages. Please take a hint from my post to NeuroFiz and stick with stores that have "Mart" in their name.
I hope that your pubic issues will now be resolved, because scratching your south pole in public is not only uncouth, it's unhealthy. Who knows what's been on anything you touch before you scratch? It could have been a terrorist with a packet of Anthrax, and some of it could have been on his hands and transferred to whatever you touched, and then you'd be admitted to the hospital and all the student doctors and nurses and the cleaning guy would be crammed into the doorway of your room staring in disgust and fear at your inflamed crotch. Is that what you want?