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jst5150
11-26-2005, 09:27 PM
Fortunately, I brought my forklift, crane and back ho to do the heavy lifting and start the topic all over again.

Even more fortunately (if that's possible), I've also brought the diamonds, which were found in a faux wall after sponging Harry off the walls. Mary Margaret stashed the ice, dashed to her black market friend's home and trashed a bottle or two of Ronrico Rum celebrating her good fortune.

writerterri
11-27-2005, 03:53 AM
unfortunately the police showed up and called in a code 5150 and Mary Margaret ended up celebrating in an insane asylum.

Jaycinth
11-28-2005, 03:56 AM
Fortunately they gave Mary Margaret crayons, and she wrote the entire thing down on the walls of her cell, and, when the doctor read it, he released her, and she published the long and improbable story with much critical acclaim.

PrettySpecialGal
11-28-2005, 04:03 AM
Unfortunately, it was a non-paying publishing house.

jst5150
11-28-2005, 06:01 AM
Fortunately, the doctor's kept her vacant room open to visitors, who read the manuscript for three bucks a head.

writerterri
11-28-2005, 10:11 AM
Unfortunately the doctor was a fraud and kept most of the money claiming he needed editing, critiquing and illustration services for the writings.

September skies
11-28-2005, 11:18 AM
fortunately Publish America heard about him and offered him a job, so he left the asylum for what he thought was greener pastures.

Jaycinth
11-28-2005, 07:33 PM
Unfortunately the doctor wound up liquidating all of his assets, including the sale of both legs, several internal organs and a 2'x4' section of skin, to buy his way out of the contract.

( Huh, Like I'm gonna cry)

threedogpeople
11-28-2005, 11:05 PM
Fortunately the doctor's blood and tissue types were rare so he got a decent price for his assets.

jst5150
11-28-2005, 11:31 PM
Unfortunately, through a clause written in 4-point Arial Narrow lemon juice-based text on its PDF contract, PublishAmerica claimed it held the rights to those body parts, swept in and scooped any dividends from the doctor's palm. Legless, colonless and without the skin from his buttocks, he moved to Sandusky, Ohio, where he opened a small, grassroots practice, hoping to one day raise enough money to sue the pants off Publish America, get his money back and buy some legs from Wal-Mart online's prosthetics department.

Shiraz
11-29-2005, 12:03 AM
Fortunately, Wal-Mart was open 24 hours even though the prosthetics department closed early, so he was able to do his Christmas shopping while he waited.

threedogpeople
11-29-2005, 01:06 AM
Unfortunately the clerk that helped him, after the prosthetics department finally opened, thought that he said "heads" instead of "legs".

Jaycinth
11-29-2005, 01:26 AM
Fortunately Mary Margaret came back to town, and, having sold her soul, donated the proceeds to the Dr. so he could start his own "Theatre of the Bizarre" traveling medicine show.

threedogpeople
11-29-2005, 01:46 AM
Unfortunately all of the bizarre performers had moved to Hollywood.

Beyondian
11-29-2005, 11:02 PM
Fortunately, nobody could tell the difference between the bizzarre performers and the nonbizzarre.

September skies
11-29-2005, 11:10 PM
unfortunately Dr. Phil showed up (again!) and he COULD tell the difference between the two and demanded that everyone who had paid to see the show receive a full refund.

Jaycinth
11-30-2005, 12:48 AM
Fortunately(?) everybody whopaid to see the show was a confirmed cannibal, and they took their refunds in 'Dr. Phil Sushi'.

(hey, its not my fault. I have been possessed by the Easter Bunny)

threedogpeople
11-30-2005, 09:58 PM
Unfortunately each and every cannibal that ate portions of "Dr. Phil Sushi" assumed the characteristics of the corresponding body part, except on the opposite side of their body. The cannibals that ate Dr. Phil Sushi made from the "naughty bits and pieces" were the most shocked and became the most deformed.

jst5150
11-30-2005, 10:11 PM
Fortunately, each and every body part got its own talk show and began dispensing invaluable advice about hygiene, health and realtionships (with other body parts) that led to the creation of the Dr. Phil Sushi Network, a spinoff of the Oh! (Oxygen) network, which is the network where all of Oprah's body parts make billions of dollars and can be found monthly on the cover of her magazine. Meanwhile, the Dr. Phil Sushi mouth parts were making their most famous statement. "Hey, are yoo jus' stupid or did your mamma beat you into that worthless self-esteem heap of pulpy flesh that's sittin' on mah couch?"

threedogpeople
11-30-2005, 10:15 PM
Unfortunately talk shows soon oversaturated the TV market and were all canceled (except Oprah) due to lack of viewer interest resulting in the bankruptcy of the Talkshow Cable Netowrk.

Jaycinth
12-01-2005, 03:24 AM
Fortunately, this allowed us to cancel our cable service, saving us lots of money and in our spare time we illustrated a series of greeting cards about a sassy -yet-sweet roach named Paul, and we all made a lot of money, even after taxes.

threedogpeople
12-01-2005, 05:38 AM
Unfortunately, Paul turned out to be sterile and, since roaches only live one year his writers had to try and fool the card buying public and substitute Roach Paul II for Roach Paul the first.

writerterri
12-02-2005, 12:48 PM
Fortunately the gods of fertility are out to lunch with Paul and Paula his twin sister who is pregnant with 40 of his relitives just dropped her egg sack.

Jaycinth
12-02-2005, 07:01 PM
Unfortunately, the Hollywood studio was only interested in making a mini -series so they got neither book deal, sit com deal or soap opera deal out of it.

threedogpeople
12-05-2005, 12:19 AM
Fortunately the mini series turned into a cult classic that will be shown on TV during fright week (around Halloween) for all eternity.

jst5150
12-05-2005, 12:23 AM
Unfortunately, it wasn't shown during the more profitable -- and schedule-setting -- "Sweeps Week" that networks and advertisers covet. It received a smaller ratings share than the early 1980's Richard Benjiman series "Quark" and was chucked into the same bin with "Joey."

threedogpeople
12-05-2005, 03:12 AM
Fortunately, the sponsors didn't care and continued to buy commercial time after it was resurected on the newly launched FailureTVNetork.

writerterri
12-05-2005, 05:09 AM
Unfortunately the net work dropped the show due to a huge lack of fans and added "Your Dumb Neighbor' as the new show.

jst5150
12-05-2005, 05:14 AM
Everyone agreed that watching the show actually made you dumber than when you started. So, fortunately, almost everyone in Al Qaeda, at PublishAmerica and anyone who had anything to do with the film "The Island" was watching

writerterri
12-05-2005, 05:19 AM
Unfortunately word of a suicide bomber cleared the room except for the people at P.A. and they all died and no longer are taking writers for a long ride on a short river.

threedogpeople
12-05-2005, 02:15 PM
Fortunately they all went to limbo instead of he!!

Jaycinth
12-06-2005, 12:39 AM
Unfortunately, with all of those people tossed into Perdition, that gave them enough staff to re-open Publish America...except they called it PA'S Basement.

jst5150
12-06-2005, 09:02 PM
Fortunately, PublishAmerica Basement's chief executive officer exploded into ribbons of white fatty flesh while gorging himself on those "Little Chunks of Chocolate Evil" that sustained his permanently cross nature while using a wingtipped shoe to kick puppies away from seniors on dialysis machines slumbering in cold homes with no visitors (because their families had long abandoned them and their heating oil costs shot through the roof).

The explosion took not only the new PA CEO's life, but caught three of his VP's in its wake -- who were swallowing their own forms of evil-producing food stuffs like cows chewing cud -- as they walked to a staff meeting where they'd happily hoped to use terms like "value levers," "Lean Six Sigma," and "stage-gate execution" to stagnate, halt and eventually reverse its publishing supply chain and, in the course of the stimulus/reaction phase of communication, make all attendees and PA Basement purchasers 25 minutes dumber.

threedogpeople
12-07-2005, 12:46 AM
Unfortunately the evil-producing food stuffs eventually entered the food chain and brought about epidemic stomach flu, in the non-evil non-immune, unsuspecting general population; flooding doctors' offices and hospitals.

Mass consumption resulted after the evil-producing food stuffs were given product placement in two high profile, sweeps week, series.

Paint
12-10-2005, 12:40 AM
Fortunately the food stuffs were identified as 'bird-flu' and sent out to the crew of "Survivor" who figured out a preventative pill from the rare red coconut and ground up croc teeth, thus winning immunity. "Steph" is credited as being the most willing to play guina pig for the pill.

Shiraz
12-11-2005, 11:28 PM
Unfortunately, Gary saw right through Stephanie’s strategy to play martyr and is keeping a mental note of her little plan of action for future use when the jury casts its votes for the million dollar winner tonight.

Jaycinth
12-12-2005, 11:29 PM
Fortunately, while we were waiting, a shipment of Santa suits arrived. They arrived with matching tap shoes, so we were able to amuse ourselves tap-dancing "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" and other favorites while eating cookies!

jst5150
12-12-2005, 11:56 PM
Unfortunately, the suits were made in sweat shops in Lesotho. As we started the dance, threads came unbound, boots tore asunder, white fur-lining fell apart like thistle in the breeze and the ho-ho-whole thing turned into some depressing Tom Waits song where cheap Santa suits explode on good people -- in Hell's Kitchen playing a lonely, solo acoustic guitar, smoking Kent cigarettes and wishing the ... damn. ... rain ... would ... stop.

Jaycinth
12-13-2005, 09:41 PM
Fortunately the rain stopped, the warm sun came out, the guitrist cheered up and started playing incredible licks and we were able to continue dancing in our 'Santa Scanties', and we had fun, fun, fun, and who wanted the stupid T-Bird ANYWAY!!!!

NickDangr
12-14-2005, 08:41 AM
Unfortunately it was so loud we could only enjoy it for 30 seconds before we were permanently deaf.

Jaycinth
12-16-2005, 07:01 PM
Fortunatley we can still dance.

DeniseK
12-16-2005, 11:01 PM
Unfortunately, dancing without being able to hear the music made us look pretty damn funny.

Paint
12-16-2005, 11:06 PM
Fortunately Steph's dancing knocked everybody out and she had to dance with the barking monkeys who appreciated her style.

September skies
12-16-2005, 11:25 PM
unfortunately the barking monkeys were faking their enthusiasm and what they were really after was the immunity idol around Steph's neck -- that and the bushel of bananas she won for dancing the longest.

Paint
12-17-2005, 08:05 PM
Fortunately Steph slipped on a banana peel from a banana she was eating while dancing and fell on her you know thus ending the marathon dance. While she was down on the ground the monkeys snatched the idol which they used to set up a shrine to the fertility goddess, thus ensuring their existance.

Jaycinth
12-20-2005, 12:27 AM
Unfortunately, the only thing that became fertile were their fleas.

awatkins
12-20-2005, 01:46 AM
Fortunately, a Flea Circus was passing through town and all the fleas were hired as acrobats.

writerterri
12-21-2005, 05:52 AM
Unfortunately the ring leader was a tic and attached himself to a passer-byer dog and was lost in the woods and the fleas packed up to go find another leader.

PrettySpecialGal
12-23-2005, 09:13 AM
Fortunately it was a cat and the ticks gave her lyme disease

writerterri
12-23-2005, 10:55 AM
Unfortunately the cat became a side show freak.

awatkins
12-24-2005, 12:30 AM
Fortunately, a Very Important Agent saw the cat, liked her act, and signed her on as a client.

PrettySpecialGal
12-27-2005, 09:46 AM
Unfortunately, the cat died.

Albedo of Zero
12-27-2005, 11:27 AM
Fortunately they found the agent's contract in the litter box.

Jaycinth
12-27-2005, 08:47 PM
Unfortunately, the cat from Shrek 2 was guarding the litter box, was in a snitty mood, and had upgraded from swords to semi-automatic particle laser displacement cannons.

Paint
12-28-2005, 01:53 AM
Fortunately, the cat's litter mate, 'Sturgeous' replaced her particles, and took over the contract, becoming the newest freak on a Harley.

Angela
12-28-2005, 09:05 AM
Unfortunately, she wrecked the Harley and wound up in the hospital for four months.

PattiTheWicked
12-28-2005, 09:15 AM
Fortunately, her recovery was so inspirational that Lifetime made a movie about her, starring Valerie Bertinelli.

DamaNegra
12-28-2005, 10:14 AM
Unfortunately, Valerie Bertinelli is allergic to animals

Jaycinth
12-28-2005, 11:44 PM
Fortunately, someone shaved all of the animals and covered Valerie Bertinelli in plastic.

PattiTheWicked
12-28-2005, 11:51 PM
Unfortunately, she was allergic to plastic too, and so she had to be rushed to the emergency room, where she was operated on by Doogie Howser, MD.

Paint
12-29-2005, 12:58 AM
Fortunately, Doogie had read up on plastic and performed a flawless plastic surgery on her face, and her allergy inflamed sinuses, making her a twin sister to Joan Lunden. He threw in a tummy tuck for good measure.

Shiraz
12-31-2005, 12:03 AM
Unfortunately, Joan and Valerie had been adversaries for years and when Ms. Bertinelli woke from the anesthesia, she went berserk. She tore apart her private room and clawed the eyes out of Doogie, causing the production crew to re-think Neil Patrick's next sitcom.

Jaycinth
12-31-2005, 12:21 AM
Fortunately, they did think up a new sitcom. They call it "But* Buddies" and it is about a toilet manufacturering company. Along with Neil Patrick, they've cast Tom Arnold as a plumber and the owner of the company is being played by Matt Lauer.

Midnight_Dust
12-31-2005, 04:02 PM
Unfortunately, the rumour about alligators coming out of toliets turned out to be true and a few limbs were lost.

Paint
12-31-2005, 08:53 PM
Fortunately they had a good ad man who turned this into a prize winning campaign featuring a one armed Tom Arnold who could still flush the toilet.

threedogpeople
12-31-2005, 11:03 PM
Unfortunately, the producer scheduled guest appearances by Bill Clinton, Michael Jackson, Mike Tyson and Monica Lewinsky on the same show.

Paint
01-01-2006, 12:58 AM
Fortunately, the ratings went through the roof as Mike slapped Monica, who threw up all over the front of Bill's shirt and her new purse, as Bill was flushing Michael down the toilet.

threedogpeople
01-02-2006, 02:52 AM
Unfortuantely, Monica slapped Mike back and Michael started to cry; Bill took off his shirt and started cleaning off Monica's purse causing the entire studio audience to run from the building screaming "NO!!!"

Aero
01-02-2006, 04:22 AM
Fortunately Bill Murray was also there with his GhostBuster backpack on to fend off the sworm of mystical ghosts that have been causing all these bizarre turn of events up this point.

BlackCrowesChick
01-03-2006, 06:29 AM
Unfortunately, Hillary Clinton was hiding backstage, watching the horror show. "When was the last time you took off your shirt to clean puke off my purse?" she screamed at Bill.

PattiTheWicked
01-03-2006, 06:40 AM
Fortunately, the departing studio audience was picked up by a tour bus going to Disney Land.

PrettySpecialGal
01-03-2006, 06:41 AM
Unfortunately, when they got there, it was closed.

threedogpeople
01-03-2006, 01:22 PM
Fortunately the never-before-tested Magic People Mover was able to send all of the passengers, the bus driver and the bus to Disney World and Epcot in less than the blink of an eye.

Jaycinth
01-04-2006, 12:35 AM
Unfortunately, they were all on LSD and when it wore off they discovered that they had spent the last twelve hours splashing around around in the only jiffy john at a busy West Texas truckstop known for it's spicey chili with onions and bran muffins.

NickDangr
01-04-2006, 12:48 AM
Fortunately there were enough big blue breath mints to share after they ate some of the chili.

threedogpeople
01-05-2006, 08:51 AM
Unfortunately all the truck stop showers were reserved for the next 24 hours so the best they could do to get the smell off was to have a group hug in the "touchless" cycle of the truck wash.

Paint
01-06-2006, 11:30 PM
Fortunately, no one remembered to shut off the suds machine and they were able to have a really smashing suds party, followed by a hot wax and everyone got their eyebrows done.

Albedo of Zero
01-10-2006, 02:41 PM
Unfortunately, all of the hair was removed from everyone's brows and nobody could tell who was who.

Jaycinth
01-11-2006, 12:38 AM
Fortunately someone emptied all of the dust bunnies from all of the third class hotels in Los Angeles into the wax mix so no one WANTED to know who was who.

jst5150
01-11-2006, 08:07 AM
Unfortunately, when sculpters cast the wax mix, with all that hair, dust, dirt and filth collected as a result of those dust bunnies, the resulting product was an exact replica of Maury Povich.

DamaNegra
01-11-2006, 08:12 AM
Fortunately, critics called it a 'brilliant work of modern art' and it immediately became famous.

jst5150
01-11-2006, 08:16 AM
Unfortunately, it became so famous, MSNBC -- now "MS"-less -- decided to give the wax statue its own show. So desperate to compete for a ratings-point bump, the network created a Connie Chung statue from an amalgam of Jane Pauly's old reading glasses, Katie Couric's lip gloss, the remaining dust bunnies and a little bit of "what the heck were we thinking in the first place letting them marry anwway" salve. The show lasted only slightly longer than the promos that ran beforehand, and both were consigned to live in a small storage room next to Jeff Zucker's private bathroom (Once called "Keith Olbermann's dressing room").

Jaycinth
01-11-2006, 07:26 PM
Fortunately, that was as interesting as it was confusing so thay all got together and tattooed the post onto Connie Chung's buttocks and broadcast that on cable access, Anchorage, from midnight to three AM every Thursday.

threedogpeople
01-11-2006, 08:50 PM
Unfortunately, the networks were in sweeps week and picked up the story of the lab-created Connie Chung; the lab-created Connie began appearing on every news broadcast, crawl and teaser during prime time.

Paint
01-15-2006, 01:36 AM
Fortunately the creation was much more interesting than the real thing, and the ratings shot sky high causing NBC stock to raise the roof and everybody got rich and celebrated at Joe's Shrimp Shack with buckets of shrimp, curly fries and mimosas. The waitress was a dead ringer for Daisy Mae in "Beverly Hillbillies" and the producers booked her for the next show and butt tattoo.

writerterri
01-15-2006, 02:27 AM
Unfortunately the butt tattoo said "666-die NBC"....

kdnxdr
01-15-2006, 07:56 AM
Unfortunately, when that message aired, their was an intersteller wave convergence causing a cascading reallignment of the planetary orbits and as the earth was violently torn apart, a small motley band of AW's blasted away to a pre-prepared self contained, self supporting life modul on the moon and began what was to be the foundation of a new humanity.

Paint
01-15-2006, 08:17 PM
Fortunately the AWers remembered their underwear.

Jaycinth
01-16-2006, 07:40 PM
Unfortunately, the underwear they remembered was not the underwear they should have remembered.

jst5150
01-16-2006, 07:54 PM
Fortunately, the underwear they remembered that was not the underwear they should have remembered turned out to be the underwear the might have remembered if they'd remembered what their mothers had said about always having a clean pair of underwear --if they'd remembered.

Jaycinth
01-16-2006, 08:37 PM
Unfortunately their memories were fried and they couldn't remember why, so when they remembered the underwear they shouldn't have remembered and forgot the underwear they remembered that they should have remembered but didn't remember, what they really remembered was that they forgot many things their mothers told them to remember, and when they remembered that they forgot to remember the underwear they were supposed to remember, they got all confused and grabbed the wrong underwear, remembering in the process that one important thing ALL their mothers told them, but when they picked up the underwear they remembered to look at it and they all said "EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW skid marks!"

Rulato
01-18-2006, 04:59 AM
Fortunately they had spares in one one of the storage bays so that's where they went. Luckily the spares had not been harmed and they discovered they were no longer alone.

Jaycinth
01-19-2006, 01:00 AM
Unfortunately when they discovered that they were no longer alone, they realized they were at a RAVE with 3,972 mangy werewolves and one weridly wired weasel.

Paint
01-19-2006, 02:50 AM
Fortunately the wired weasel was totally able to take care of the werewolves, pulling all their teeth and teaching everybody how to disco dance (shaka shaka shake you boody) for the disco hour, which occurred just as the full moon set and the wolves all turned into quite decent looking John Travoltas.

Albedo of Zero
01-20-2006, 07:52 PM
Unfortunately, John Travolta heard of this travesty over the radio, threw his lawyer into a space shuttle, piloted to the moon and sued the morphed w-wolves, the wired weasel and all the AW-ers for some bloated trademark transgression.

Jaycinth
01-20-2006, 09:25 PM
Fortunately Travolta’s trickey travesty trademark trangression trauma, tripped Teds traditions, throwing the tort topsy turvy, terminating the terrible transgression, then tempting two tiny transvestites to tumble.

Albedo of Zero
01-20-2006, 09:50 PM
Fortunately Travolta’s trickey travesty trademark trangression trauma, tripped Teds traditions, throwing the tort topsy turvy, terminating the terrible transgression, then tempting two tiny transvestites to tumble.


terrific that there

kdnxdr
01-21-2006, 10:15 PM
Unfortunately, for everyone but the AW'ers, the tumbling transvestites fell against a lever that released a false floor they were all standing on, releasing them all into deep space never to be seen again.

Paint
01-22-2006, 01:03 AM
Fortunately the AWers got a grip on the lever, stopping the slide into deep space. They then decided to co-author a book about it all and got together at Chili's for some fish tacos, natchos and cold lemonade. A discussion ensued about the possibility of putting some recipies in the book and making it a cook book as well as an adventure book.

Rulato
01-22-2006, 04:27 AM
Unfortunately, no one could agree on the recipes to be put in the book and time began to pass without a word being written down.

Albedo of Zero
01-22-2006, 08:07 AM
Fortunately, everyone's watches weren't working so they didn't even notice the time passing.

Rulato
01-22-2006, 07:02 PM
Unfortunately, the entire thing ended up becoming a news serial and cause everyone to lose interest in any possible books.

kdnxdr
01-22-2006, 11:51 PM
Fortuanetly, a publishing agent was roaming the universe, high and low, looking for new stuff and became so excited about the news serials that the AWers were writing, he offered lucractive contracts to all and enticed them to come to a new planet and write about anything that they so desired and he began a new publishing house for all the new baby AWers that were being raised up to be the new society of readers writers and thinkers.

jst5150
01-23-2006, 03:55 AM
Unfortunately, the publishing agent carried only Monopoly money and believed that part of the "payment" was ensuring his new hires "were go'ers. Knowhatimean? Knowwhatimean? Are you uh go'er? Knowhatimean? Do you ... like to ... you know?"

Rulato
01-23-2006, 04:26 AM
Unfortunately for the agent, it turned out that none of his new hires were go'ers. The AWers ended up suing him for misrepresentation. Fortunately they won their case and were awarded five million dollars each in compensation.

kdnxdr
01-23-2006, 06:15 AM
Fortunately, they made it to the new planet, money in pocket, excited with the prospects of what awaited them with a new planet, new relationships, new world system where the only thing that mattered was to express yourself and be the most creative you could be.

Jaycinth
01-23-2006, 07:23 PM
Unfortunately, on the new planet, all letters except Z and Q were considered work of the devil, satan, lucifer and Regis, so each and every manuscript was edited to remove letters other than Z and Q, and only the square pigs could grok it.

Albedo of Zero
01-23-2006, 07:45 PM
Fortunately, zqq qzqzzzq zqz; qqqqz zq qzz qzzqzzqqz.

kdnxdr
01-24-2006, 07:18 AM
Unfortunately, qqqqz qqzqqqz zq Jaycinth qqqqzzq qqzzzzz zqqzq zqq.

kdnxdr
01-25-2006, 06:39 PM
qqqzzz zqq qqzz hey zq I found zzzzqq a tranzzzzzlaqqtor proqqgrazzm.....qqgot it! Okay, whew! I didn't think that was gonna work. And now, what was that story line you had?

Jaycinth
01-25-2006, 08:26 PM
Unfortunately, after the revolution, They were allowed to use all letters except #17 and #26 and the supporters of those letters, and the government officials who supported the supporters of those letters were all pushed into a remote quantum singularity, without Alf.

Paint
01-26-2006, 02:32 AM
Fortunately Alf understood quantum leaps and convinced them all that it really was not important in the big picture. He than sat them down on purple yoga pads and taught them how to meditate using only #26.

Albedo of Zero
01-26-2006, 02:43 AM
Unfortunately, meditating using #26 put them all (and I do mean everyone) to sleep...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

kdnxdr
01-26-2006, 06:23 PM
Fortunately, they all slept for 400 years and while they were sleeping, algae had begun to grow in the new world, converting the atmosphere to a perfect habitation for all the AWers and the lost fairy princess who had been roaming the heavens found them all, waved her wand, woke them all up and taught them how to build the cutest little houses out of the natural materials of the new planet where they set up small printing industries and began producing some of the most incredible written work that had ever been written in the universe.

Jaycinth
01-27-2006, 12:04 AM
Unfortunately, nothing is certain except death and taxes and the lack of #26, so the grim reaper showed up with his CPA and began to systematicaly audit them all, applying surcharge tax to the frivilous use of A, E, I, &O, said use being the use of them more than once in a sentence, causing txrrxblx trxublx xn thx publxshxng xndustry.

Paint
01-27-2006, 01:36 AM
Fortunately the AWers were into kissing, xoxoxo, and kissed the taxman. This created such an emotional reaction the taxman left the planet and was never heard of again. Their books continued to flourish and since there were no consumer commodities, everything being made of natural products, the group donated all the profits to third-world planets. The CPA, being very bored with high finance set up a series of vine highways allowing traffic to begin to move and sparing the community the necessity of gasoline.

Albedo of Zero
01-27-2006, 08:11 AM
Unfortunately, because of some bureaucrat's blunders, the vine used was in fact the endangered cushenbury buckwheat, which isn't even a vine but is categorized in the vineum group, which is Latin for small (so, I ask...how can one travel on something so small?).

PattiTheWicked
01-27-2006, 08:30 AM
Fortunately, a number of celebrities got together and sang a song to raise cushenbury buckwheat awareness, entitled "It's Small and Green So Don't Step On It."

Paint
01-27-2006, 09:09 PM
Unfortunately the music company got the CD wrong and it came out "It's small and bean, so let's make soup!" The celebreties felt like suing them and called James Frey's attorney which went against the AWers mission of the new world system.

Albedo of Zero
01-28-2006, 04:05 AM
Fortunately, the plot takes a turn, thickens then surprises every reader of fiction, non-fiction, poetry and technical manuals.

Tricksie-ish
01-29-2006, 06:44 AM
Unfortunately. Oprah is embarassed. Someone is going to have to go on her show.

PattiTheWicked
01-29-2006, 08:24 AM
Fortunately, it ain't me.

kdnxdr
01-29-2006, 06:30 PM
Unfortunately, she couldn't resist capturing every possible angle of the camera as she very dramatically exploited her probably only one moment of what was suppose to be humility and sincerety.

(I'm confused, is she running for office or is she just backing someone who is running for office with her megaempireofbucks? At least, I know she will only look for someone who is humbly and sincerely wanting to simply represent the United States of America with only the purest motives. That takes a load off.)

Tricksie-ish
01-29-2006, 10:49 PM
Fortunately, we can always change the channel to Ellen Degeneres.

Paint
01-30-2006, 12:14 AM
Unfortunately, Ellen's shows are all reruns. She was working as a stand-up commediane with Cher on a cruise ship headed for Alaska, when the ship was detained for a fuel repair and became locked in the winter ice freeze up.

Jaycinth
01-31-2006, 04:45 AM
Fortunately, Frankenstein's monster (Percy) was traveling along the ice with severalteams of sled dogs,so they all got on sleds and raced the Iditarod, winding up in Nome, where they hired trained moose handlers and a team of moose to carry them through the mountains and down to the green Hollywood valleys far to the south.

Albedo of Zero
01-31-2006, 06:57 AM
Unfortunately, what they thought was the green Hollywood valleys far to the south on the map was actually a big glob of quacamole from someone's taco, so they ended up in Zap Montana.

WerenCole
01-31-2006, 07:07 AM
Fortunately Zap Montana is near the birthplace of Weren Cole, so he took them in, fed them a gourmet meal and sent them on their way east with a can full or mice and three citronella candles.

Paint
02-03-2006, 02:34 AM
Unfortunately the citronella candles were no match for the humongo mosquitoes in Montana, and Ellen got in a snit after breaking out with bug bites. She mistakenly threw the candles in with the mice, who ate them and died from the chemicals. Luckily Cher and Ellen fared much better on the gourmet meal-only complaining because it was not on Adkins.

travNastee
02-03-2006, 09:05 AM
Fortunately the ghost of Dr. Adkins appeared in a haze of red and black and gave the gourmet meal his dead thumbs up. They all breathed a sigh of relief and ate as much as they could stuff into their stomachs.

Paint
02-04-2006, 07:55 PM
Unfortunately the haze was only pollution from a nearby wildfire. Cher and Ellen were distraught upon awakening the next morning and seeing that they looked six months pregnant with swollen bellies. They immediately rushed off to Curves for a workout and took a laxative purge.

Albedo of Zero
02-05-2006, 04:35 AM
Fortunately, in an indirect sort of way, Cher became delirious from lack of electrolytes and hallucinated. No, really...this is fortunate because she thought Ellen was Sonny come back from the grave and they recorded a new version of 'The Beat Goes On'........and.......she credited all of those AWers who(m?) have had such a rough time in this thread with the songwriting. Right at this moment all the AWers are searching for something to wear to next years Grammy-s.

How the heck do you add an s to Grammy? ies? I mean its not really plural is it?

travNastee
02-05-2006, 11:04 PM
Unfortunately Rosie O'Donnell, who had been the subject of a government drug test that made her the size of Godzilla, complete with fire breath, had escaped from the test lab and got hopped up on crystal meth. After swallowing James Frey whole, Rosie trampled Hollywood, destroying the location of the Grammys.

WerenCole
02-08-2006, 02:32 AM
Fortunately Rosie has decided that all hollywood should die because of her inability to get a paying job anymore and has gone on a rampage. Peter Jackson is reportedly on his way with King Kong to help in the destruction.

Jaycinth
02-09-2006, 01:17 AM
Unfortunately they ate all of the Ex-lax in the world, followed by all the Senekot and drank all of the prune juice; the Methane has already leveled Las Vegas.

jst5150
02-09-2006, 05:28 AM
Fortunately, five acres of land beneath them had been safeguarded with plastic wrap and duct tape. In the end, while it looked like nothing more than a earthen-toned Jackson Pollack canvas, what was expended made for easy clean-up by the Department of Homeland Security team detailed there following a false alarm at a local cartoonist's house.

Cheryll
02-09-2006, 11:57 PM
Unfortunately, the five acres is owned by Donald Trump, and he has decided to sell it to Martha Steward so that she can raise sheep and goats for a TV episode on how to make your own goat cheese and cable-knit sweaters.

:)

Jaycinth
02-10-2006, 07:34 PM
Fortunately, Martha Stewart makes the most excellent goat cheese, and the improvement made in her knitting skill while in jail enabled her to knit the absolute BEST cable knit sweaters. So when she put one on today and sat at her computer she felt comfortable surfing and wound up here at AW, and was so thrilled about what we said about her goat cheese and sweaters, she took all of the AW-ers on a ten day cruise of the Greek islands as a special segment of her show that she called "Aspiring Writers Deserve the Best", and everybody was happy!

Paint
02-11-2006, 12:46 AM
Unfortunately the AWers had other plans and ditched Martha to look up the Onassis heirs for an interview and an exploration of the islands by sail boat with them. A storm blew up and some of the AWers, who had quite a bit of Ouzo, were never heard from again.

Albedo of Zero
02-11-2006, 12:45 PM
Fortunately Gilligan messed up again so the crew and guests of the Minnow were still on the island when the AWers washed ashore.

Colonist
02-12-2006, 02:13 PM
Unfortunately Gilligan and his friends were really mutant sea creatures in disguise, looking for slaves to take to their huge underwater city.

Beyondian
02-12-2006, 02:20 PM
Fortunattely, their disguises slipped, and the AWers had a nice hot Mutated monster stew before continuing around the island.

Paint
02-12-2006, 11:53 PM
Unfortunately, the mothers of the Mutated Monsters found them washing the dishes on the beach after the stew of their children. The MOMs (Mothers of Monsters) took the AWers to the huge underwater city and threw them in jail to be tortured slowly. After the law against torturing was repealed: Special Circumstances. Some of the AWers had broken bones which were ignored.

Jaycinth
02-13-2006, 08:35 PM
Fortunately the AWers were all talented writes and after they wrote their detailed explanations of what had happened they were all released amid cheers and fanfare and hailed as wonderous liberators and the Mothers of Monsters went after their true arch nemisis...Dick Cheney!

Paint
02-15-2006, 10:47 PM
Unfortunately Dick showered all the MOMs with buckshot and they ran away.

Albedo of Zero
02-16-2006, 02:37 AM
Fortunately (for the MOMS) they were all given parts in Bambi 3 -BAMBI MEETS RAMBO- coming out soon in a theatre near you.

Jaycinth
02-16-2006, 10:23 PM
Unfortunately, Dick Cheyney was dressed as a mom and, well, Rambo freaking LOST!!!!!!!!!

travNastee
02-22-2006, 12:52 AM
Fortunately Rambo recovered from his shooting injuries at the hospital but then had a mild heart attack. He turned out okay and then went on to apologize to Dick Cheney for jumping in front of his gun.

Prosthetic Foreheads
02-22-2006, 03:30 AM
Unfortunately, Rambo also said he was for stem cell research, and President Bush immediately ordered Cheney to shoot him again.

travNastee
02-22-2006, 03:37 AM
Fortuately Cheney didn't miss this time.* Rambo's body was quickly burned at the stake for heresy.








*I say fortunately because really...c'mon...do we want to see another Rambo movie.

Serenity
02-23-2006, 07:34 AM
Unfortunately Rambo turned back into his alter-ego, Sylvester Stalone. And due to the fact that his career survived even after 'Stop, Or My Mom Will Shoot', he is now impervious to petty things such as 'flames'.

travNastee
02-23-2006, 09:23 AM
Fortunately all of the Golden Girls dropped in at just the right time and collectively ninja kicked him into the upper atmoshpere, where his body was reduced to ashes.

Jaycinth
02-23-2006, 09:01 PM
Unfortunately, as they all looked up, mouths open in amazement, it rained.

Paint
02-23-2006, 09:08 PM
Fortunately, the Rambo flavored rain worked as a fountain of youth and the Golden Girls were instantly transformed to twenty year old women with good memories.

Jaycinth
02-23-2006, 09:09 PM
Unfortunately, they each wound up with an IQ of 77.

Paint
02-23-2006, 09:14 PM
Fortunately it was enough to get their own TV show.

Prosthetic Foreheads
02-24-2006, 12:47 AM
Unfortunately, this new Golden Girls show waiting to be aired is what caused FOX to cancel Arrested Development.


(Why the eff would a network cancel their best show?)

travNastee
02-24-2006, 08:51 AM
Fortunately, the new Golden Girls show will be featuring Jason Bateman.


(the show really should get picked up on FX...it would work better there, they could get away with more.)

Prosthetic Foreheads
02-24-2006, 11:12 PM
Unfortunately, it won't include the incredibly foxy Portia de Rossi. Perhaps Betty and the other gals were uncomfortable with Portia and her 'pal' Ellen.



(Seriously, Ellen DeGeneres is one lucky lesbian. Oh, and the latest rumor has AD moving to Showtime.)

Jaycinth
02-25-2006, 12:44 AM
Fortunately they had enough nailpolish, and the acetone fumes made them forget that they... were...doing...something.:e2thud:

Paint
02-27-2006, 12:55 AM
Unfortunately one of the golden girls spilled the nail polish remover on the script, prompting them to ad lib the whole program. The results were not so good when the youngest of the golden girls, now twelve, had a melt down and threw boston creme pies at the others, so a huge cat fight ensued.

Prosthetic Foreheads
02-27-2006, 01:14 AM
Fortunately, I was there to watch.

Jaycinth
02-27-2006, 07:27 PM
Unfortunately they had so many of the thick gooey Boston Creame Pies that they became so covered inthe sticky mess, they were unrecognizable as human and none of the men watching could get off on it.

sacredmime
02-27-2006, 10:16 PM
Fortunately, there were starving bears nearby, and Boston Creme just happened to be their favorite.

Shiraz
02-27-2006, 10:18 PM
Unfortunately, Rose was, too.

September skies
02-27-2006, 10:52 PM
Fortunately, just as the bears were about to eat the young-again golden girls, a sudden thunderstorm ensued and scared the bears away and the girls ran - leaving a trail of boston creme all the way to the river.

Jaycinth
02-27-2006, 11:33 PM
Unfortunately a cruise ship from Cairo was beached on the river bank and it's crew had abandoned the 1,000 crocodiles that had booked the cruise and as there was no food left, when the golden girls and the bears came running they thought it was the buffet and especially liked the creame covered ones with the squishy filling, and discovered bear fur was perfect for polishing their teeth into big happy crocodile smiles!

Albedo of Zero
02-28-2006, 02:33 AM
Fortunately, Steve Irwin was nearby and wrassled all the crocs into un-agented submission. Crikey! Look at the size of that one!

Jaycinth
03-01-2006, 01:40 AM
Unfortunately an agent from Desert Rose saw them and signed them to write a book about it 5 seconds before the agents from Pubic Anemia did.

Cheryll
03-01-2006, 01:41 AM
Unfortunately, it wasn't croc-wrestling season yet and Steve is now sitting in a Cairo prison cell with a bunch of tomb thieves.

Sentia
03-02-2006, 01:28 AM
Fortunately, due to Steve's celebrity status, the Bangles were imported for entertainment of the prisoners, receiving a standing ovation for "Walk Like An Egyptian," motivating the guards to release all the prisoners in a moment of euphoric insanity.

Paint
03-02-2006, 02:18 AM
Unfortunately, just as the prisoners, musicians and Steve stepped out of the prison they were whipped up into a huge tornado that tore everybody's clothes off. Steve was heard to repeat again..."Crickey! Look at the size of that one!" as he spun through the air.

Cheryll
03-02-2006, 04:15 AM
Fortunately, they landed in Oz and now Steve, the prisoners, and the musicians are headed down the yellow brick road to see the wizard.

Paint
03-02-2006, 09:27 PM
Unfortunately the musicians dropped out because the wanted the song "We're Off to See the Wizard!" sang in rap style.

Jaycinth
03-02-2006, 10:09 PM
Fortunately(??????) the crocodiles knew how to whistle it.

Spirit_Fire
03-04-2006, 06:29 PM
Unfortunately, crocodiles don't have lips, and find it extremely difficult to whistle.

Paint
03-04-2006, 08:33 PM
Fortunately the crocodiles were able to clack their teeth to the beat of the song.

September skies
03-04-2006, 08:50 PM
Unfortunately, as they clacked their teeth - scraps of previously-eaten flesh started to come out of their mouth - reminding them again of the real reason they were there - and they set out to find the wizard and Dorothy and munchkins to well, munch on.

Paint
03-05-2006, 01:59 AM
Fortunately the munchkins had set out live traps and dressed the captive crocks in the latest fashion just in time for the Acadamy Awards show.

September skies
03-05-2006, 02:05 AM
unfortunately, the crocodiles were still crocodiles - even in their best Dior outfits - and when they got to the red carpet, they snapped at the people who were trying to snap their pictures.

Jaycinth
03-06-2006, 09:28 PM
Fortunately that made all of the celebrities happy unto laughter and they cheered and celebrated as the papparazzi got waht many of them deserved...in spades!

Bob Dole
03-07-2006, 02:35 AM
unfortunately- one of the crocodiles bit off a celebrities arm

Jaycinth
03-07-2006, 10:08 PM
Fortunately the celebrity needed crocodile skin boots, had a knife and was quick and clever with her hands.

Bob Dole
03-08-2006, 12:58 AM
unfortunatetly-the celebrity only had one arm

ProsperitySue
03-10-2006, 08:42 AM
Fortunately the celebrity was a Siamese twin so losing an arm wasn't that much of a problem.

Jaycinth
03-10-2006, 07:33 PM
Unfortunately manipulating toilet paper was.

ProsperitySue
03-11-2006, 07:17 AM
Fortunately the Siamese twin celebrities decided to live in the woods where it wouldn't matter.

Jaycinth
03-13-2006, 08:16 PM
Unfortunately, the bears thought it did.

ProsperitySue
03-13-2006, 08:57 PM
Fortunately the siamese twin celebrities' highest spiritual priority was a love of nature so they didn't mind being recycled into bear poop.

sacredmime
03-14-2006, 08:59 AM
Unfortunately, each twin had written her will & testament separately and none of the beneficiaries matched.

ProsperitySue
03-17-2006, 01:25 AM
Fortunately, I'm the lawyer for Velma, the female twin, and litigation is expected to last 20 years (evil chuckle)

Tricksie-ish
03-17-2006, 05:34 AM
Unfortunately, I am Johnnie Cochran, and you will never win the case.

ProsperitySue
03-17-2006, 06:39 AM
Fortunately, I have a white Bronco and I know how to use it. :hat:

Jaycinth
03-17-2006, 07:48 PM
Unfortunately I had your wheels and I know where I sold them.

sacredmime
03-17-2006, 09:59 PM
Fortunately, I know where you sold them, too.

ProsperitySue
03-17-2006, 10:44 PM
Unfortunately, I don't know diddly about cars and drove the white Bronco without wheels to your office anyway. (it was very noisy and there were lots of sparks)

Paint
03-17-2006, 10:56 PM
Fortunately you ran over the managing director who has always been troublesome.

ProsperitySue
03-18-2006, 07:27 PM
Unfortunately, I didn't kill him, but only made him even more irritable than he usually is and I'm under arrest.

sacredmime
03-19-2006, 11:17 AM
Fortunately, I take secret delight in being handcuffed.

Paint
03-20-2006, 03:45 AM
Unfortunately, these were not fur-lined handcuffs.

poetinahat
03-20-2006, 03:54 AM
Fortunately, I'm covered with fur anyway.

Danger Jane
03-20-2006, 08:04 AM
Unfortunately, my hairy state is due to extreme poverty: I cannot afford a razor.

Jaycinth
03-20-2006, 07:07 PM
Fortunately, Occam has several sharpened.

Godfather
03-21-2006, 12:09 AM
Unfortunately I only pretend to know what OCCAM is

Paint
03-21-2006, 04:49 AM
Unfortunately while the AWers were trying to figure out what OCCAM was, Nancy shaved all the hair off her arms with a dull blade.

Annabella
03-21-2006, 05:02 AM
Fortunately, I know what Occam's Razor (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Occam's_Razor) means so Nancy was spared the agony of a dull blade.

Danger Jane
03-21-2006, 05:12 AM
Fortunately I don't have to bleed to death...or get tetanus...because my mommy got me a Venus Divine. Haha.

Unfortunately this ruins your torturous fun :O two for one!

Bob Dole
03-21-2006, 05:50 AM
fortunantely-I found your spoiling of fun hilarious
unfortunantely-I like torturous humor

Paint
03-23-2006, 12:01 AM
Fortunately Nancy did not end up with this hairdo...http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d101/scoker3/Occam.jpg

Bob Dole
03-23-2006, 12:54 AM
unfortunately-you did

Danger Jane
03-23-2006, 04:26 AM
Unfortunately, I did not have to view that image because unfortunately, Photobucket says it is no longer there, and since that would have tortured me to look at it is also fortunate.

Bob Dole
03-23-2006, 08:57 AM
fortunantely- that made sense
unfortuantely you didnt have to suffer

Jaycinth
03-28-2006, 01:10 AM
Fortunately we forgot what was going on.

DamaNegra
03-28-2006, 01:56 AM
Unfortunately that was because you got amnesia.

Bob Dole
03-28-2006, 03:23 AM
fortunately- I have finally got a sandwitch.

Jaycinth
03-28-2006, 07:31 PM
Unfortunately the Sand Witch is having a bad day and turns you into a horseshoe crab...in drag.

jst5150
05-03-2006, 05:42 AM
Fortunately, "drag" suits you and you become the new RuPaul, sauntering across all 41 VH1 networks during 15 minutes of fame that garners you wealth, rumor and threats from the Super Adventure Club that you're medications are too strong and you've slipped into a "dark, scowling cloak of psychiatric, manic behavior" coupled with an E-meter reading that looks like the San Francisco Earthquake of 1906.

unfabulousxox
07-30-2006, 04:11 AM
Unfortunately, you become well known for dressing in drag and no one ever knows your true Identity

persiphone_hellecat
07-30-2006, 05:00 AM
Fortunately you are much more interesting as a drag queen than you ever were as a bookkeeper for JC Penney's

Tre
07-30-2006, 06:09 AM
Unfortunately, that was the only paying gig you have ever had.

persiphone_hellecat
07-30-2006, 06:13 AM
Fortunately, you saved up enough money to have a really nice drag queen wardrobe.

unfabulousxox
07-30-2006, 06:16 AM
Unfortuntely, It is way to big for you and you cannot exhange them for a smaller size so you go bankrupt.

Tre
07-30-2006, 06:17 AM
Unfortunately you are are now too fat to fit into any of it.

persiphone_hellecat
07-30-2006, 06:18 AM
Fortunately, you audition for The Apprentice and win

unfabulousxox
07-30-2006, 06:20 AM
Unfortunately, You end up being hated like former Apprentice contestant, Omarosa.

persiphone_hellecat
07-30-2006, 06:22 AM
Fortunately, being the hated contestant on game shows leads to guest appearances on many TV shows ... You appear on Regis and Kelly and fall in love with Kelly ...

unfabulousxox
07-30-2006, 06:25 AM
Unfortunately, Kelly leaves her Husband and family for you, her husband then, goes on a mission to hunt you

persiphone_hellecat
07-30-2006, 06:27 AM
Fortunately, Kelly's husband gets a call to revise his role on All My Children and gives up the hunt

unfabulousxox
07-30-2006, 06:29 AM
Unfortunately, Kelly leaves you and goes running back to her husband only to bash you live on Regis & Kelly

Tre
07-30-2006, 06:29 AM
Unfortunately, the role was supposed to be yours.

persiphone_hellecat
07-30-2006, 06:31 AM
Fortunately, I am able to answer two posts at once LOL ...

Fortunately, in Kelly's absence, Regis passes away and her husband takes over, leaving his role on All My Children open for you

unfabulousxox
07-30-2006, 06:32 AM
Unfortunately since you are hated, your character is instantly killed off with a sappy hospital scene.

persiphone_hellecat
07-30-2006, 06:36 AM
Fortunately due to your drag queen experience you play both the part of the victim and the part of the nurse ... Grey's Anatomy calls - and you move to Hollywood and join the cast

Tre
07-30-2006, 07:06 AM
Unfortunately, being unfamiliar with the city you move into a studio apartment on Cahuanga with no parking and junkies for neighbors.

persiphone_hellecat
07-30-2006, 07:09 AM
Fortunately you don't have a car anyway

Tre
07-30-2006, 10:38 AM
Unfortunately, not having a car in L.A. means you can't go anywhere.

persiphone_hellecat
07-30-2006, 10:43 AM
fortunately your character gets killed on Grey's Anatomy - however your penchant for playing nurse parts doesnt go unnoticed ... Harry Reems invites you to Vegas to begin work on Deep Throat- The Sequel

MizzVyxen
07-30-2006, 09:56 PM
Unfortunately, over-exposure to the meth fumes from your apartment in Cahuanga caused an allergic reaction that's left your body covered with open sores.

persiphone_hellecat
07-31-2006, 12:11 AM
Fortunately, you heal just in time for your first close up in Deep Throat the Sequel ...

hjwilde
07-31-2006, 12:38 AM
Unfortunately Deep Throat the Sequel is a snuff movie - bye bye!

Tre
07-31-2006, 12:51 AM
Fortunately, after being seriously wounded during rehearsal, you realize it's a snuff film. Deciding that you would rather be cut out of the film than have your throat cut, you hitchhike to Reno.

NightWynde
07-31-2006, 01:06 AM
Unfortunately your old drag queen cronies find you in Reno and beat the crap out of you for bailing out on them.

Tre
07-31-2006, 01:14 AM
Fortunately, Reno is in dire need of entertainment, so you and your cronies stage a revival of La Cage Aux Folles.

MizzVyxen
07-31-2006, 01:16 AM
Unfortunately, your cat got ahold of your good boa and your favorite sequined dress...

persiphone_hellecat
07-31-2006, 01:27 AM
Fortunately in Reno you run into Britney Spears holding a garage sale for a lot of her old stuff she cant fit into anymore since she is perpetually preggo and pick up a few things for the show ..

MizzVyxen
07-31-2006, 01:30 AM
Unfortunately, all her old stuff smells like Kevin Federline.

persiphone_hellecat
07-31-2006, 01:34 AM
Fortunately a good night's soaking in Chanel No 5 fixes that problem

Tre
07-31-2006, 01:39 AM
Unfortunately, you still have to use your old boa, so now you smell of Chanel No 5, Kevin Federline, and cat piss.

MizzVyxen
07-31-2006, 01:51 AM
Fortunately, you look like the rest of the hookers in Reno and have made enough money to buy a new boa, a new sequined dress and you've been chosen for an Extreme Makeover!

persiphone_hellecat
07-31-2006, 01:54 AM
Unfortunately, it's an extreme makeover on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy ... watch out for Carson - he gooses