Thanks for all the responses. I didn't want to give more of a description of the scene so I could get some raw feedback. But below is the scene. It occurs at the entrance/exit of a Wal-Mart. Protagonist (George) is a retired admiral, age about 65, dressed in slacks, collared button shirt with white t-shirt showing, and shoes on. George's granddaughter, Amy, has just shown up after having disappeared five years ago, with her 5-year-old son, Johnnie.
George has taken them to Wal-Mart to deal with their lack of clothing. He sent her off to get her stuff, while taking Johnnie to the kid's section, where he enlists a clerk to help him buy some clothes. Five or six sets, including underwear, pajamas, sneakers. Johhnie, by the way, sucks his thumb, constantly. (Yes, I know Johnnie is immature, that's the point.)
I realized as I was writing this scene that his conduct was just a smidge suspicious. Therefore, as he's leaving, a police officer from the Lebanon, NH, Police Department approaches him, and starts asking questions. George quickly realizes what the issue is, realizes he has nothing on him to prove who Johnnie is, and doesn't want to drag Amy into this if he can avoid it because Amy might have some legal difficulties he doesn't know about. And Amy is looking like she's ready to run out in the parking lot. Lebanon PD has about thirty - forty officers. The police officer is about thirty-years-old and just looks like he'd been in the military at some point in his life.
This is still a very rough draft, but I wanted to make sure it worked. It may not even survive to the final draft (most of the book isn't even written yet), but I try to make sure things are right as I write them.
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(The police officer's) His forehead is furrowed, his eyes sort of squeezed into slits, as he holds my license and ID in my hand, wondering how he lost control of this interview. I don’t tell him I’ve done this many times. You don’t rise as far as I did in the military without knowing how to lead, even when other people aren’t looking for your leadership.
Scrolling down my phone’s contact list, I come to the Lebanon Police Chief’s cell number, and have the phone dial it. On the third ring, it’s answered.
“Hi, Bob. It’s George Hudson here. One of the fine young men who serve you is here and he needs to be reassured that there’s no problem, and I need to do it quickly.” I explain the situation, wasting no words, as the officer listens, my license still in his hands. Bob is on the board of directors for a youth group that I’ve helped with providing military contacts, like when they went down to Old Ironsides and got a special tour.
I watch Amy, trying to reassure her from a distance, and when I finish explaining, Bob tells me to hand the phone to his officer. A very short conversation follows, and the next thing I know the officer is handing me back my phone, license and ID, saying, “I’m sorry to bother you, sir.”
Johnnie is still holding onto me and his hippo. “I’m glad you checked. Checking things out is one of the best ways to avoid problems. Were you in the Army or Marines, son?”
He sort of snaps to attention. “Second Marines, Sir. Corporal. Four years.”
I look at him, trying to guess when he served. “Camp Lejeune? Let’s see. Under Colonel Wilson?”
“Yes, Sir. Under Colonel Polanski, Sir.”
“Semper fi. Oorah!” I hold out my hand to shake his.
“Semper fi, Sir. Sorry for the inconvience. Oorah, Sir!”
“Not a problem.” I start walking to my car, Johnnie in tow.
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Basically George is being a bit of an a-hole, calling the guy's chief, and wants to apologize without apologizing. George is used to working with enlisted as an officer and doesn't look down on them. But he also knows how and when to use power.
Thanks for all the help,
Jim Clark-Dawe
