View Full Version : Letters to inanimate objects

06-24-2010, 06:45 PM
Dear alarm clock,

Relationships are based on trust. You trust I'll set you for the correct time every night and ensure you're plugged in without fear of Quinn-kitty chewing through your cord. In return, I trust you to wake me with your most obnoxious buzzing at the designated time each morning, which currently is between 4:00 and 4:30 AM.

So you can imagine my disdain when I woke this morning on my own thought something felt wrong, and checked the time on my phone only to see it was five minutes prior to the time I should've been at work.

Even moreso when I stumbled blindly through the dark to get to you, and the second I picked you up, your alarm went off. The alarm time was set correctly. So obviously, for some reason, you took it upon yourself to let me sleep in an hour and a half. Not appreciated.

I feel it's best if we see other people. I'm already admiring other alarm clocks and you? Well, you'll be admiring the inside of the trashcan. If Quinn doesn't get to you first.

No love, douchebag,


06-24-2010, 07:04 PM
Dear telephone receiver,

I'm tired of you being so wishy washy. Sometimes, you are full of good news, gilggles, I love yous and thank yous. Other times, you crush me, shout at me, make me cry. I've tried to not let you close to me. I've tried to get over the rush that accompanies your touch, cool against my cheek. But I can't do it. Good or bad, I keep pulling you close and I let you whisper or scream at me but I can't let you go.

just please, please stop calling me...it's the only way I can get your voices out of my head



06-24-2010, 08:09 PM
Hey Vacuum Cleaner,

You suck!


06-24-2010, 08:15 PM
Dear Toothbrush,

You have one function: to clean my tooth. But can you do that? No. You screw it up every time. I don't get it. I have one tooth. Right in the middle. How can you possibly miss it?

That's it, I'm going to find a piece of string and an open door. Then...slam. No more tooth. And you're going in the trash.

See ya!

06-24-2010, 08:20 PM
Hey Vacuum Cleaner,

You suck!


Dear fan,

You blow!


06-24-2010, 08:29 PM

minced heart, mangled lungs, diced liver
sheep or calf, it makes no difference.

mix with onions, oats, suet and such
season and boil in a living sac.

serve with neeps and tatties
and maybe a nice whisky.



06-24-2010, 08:49 PM
Dear telephone:


(I prefer to just yell at something I don't understand.)

Chris P
06-24-2010, 09:01 PM
Hey there, oven. Let me turn you on and get you hot.

Dawn Hebein
06-24-2010, 09:11 PM
Dear Dressing Room Mirror,

You really need to meet my bedroom mirror and learn how to do your frickin' job. Disullioning me on how this new outfit truly fits? I'm afraid I'll be doing the rest of my shopping online and you'll never see the likes of me again.

06-24-2010, 09:17 PM
Dear Yahoo e-mail account,

We've had a long run, you and I. I remember when we were first introduced. It was 1996. I was wild and young. You still had usernames available that didn't include numbers. Times were simpler then.

We've been through a lot together. You sent out that resume that landed me my very first big girl job. You sent the letter to the creepy guy in the cubicle next to me who kept "accidentally" brushing against my ass and convinced him to cease and desist. You protected me from all of those unwanted chain letters from cousin Bob with your spam filter.

Lately, however, you've been acting strangely. I worry that you may have developed a drug problem. I saw what you did to the formatting on my query letter and, well, I'm ashamed. You make me look illiterate, and that is one area in which I really don't require assistance. I thought you were better than that.

Bottom line, I've outgrown you. I'm looking to the future, but you're still living in the past. I want more out of life. That's right. I'm upgrading.

Please, don't feel too bad. I'm sure there is a 13-year-old out there who has been jonesing for my username. It's okay. Go with her. I'll make myself a new one. I'm resilient like that.

For what it's worth, I will always remember you as my very first window to the internet and not the decrepit, worthless sloth that you are today.

Peace out,

Chris P
06-24-2010, 09:18 PM
Dear Bathroom Scale:

You filthy liar! How can I trust anything you say after what you told me this morning? Just so you know I've been using another scale at the gym. She's no better than you! Are you two teaming up on me? Go to hell, both of you.

06-24-2010, 10:33 PM
Oh my beloved ice cream bar,

How I love to lick your creamy center, and your oh so nutty chocolate covering! You’re not like the others. You like the same things I do. Wax paper. Boiled football leather. Dog breath!

We’re not hitchhiking anymore, we’re riding!

06-24-2010, 11:20 PM
Dear Car Keys,

Where are you? I fear that I lost you forever.


Storm Dream
06-24-2010, 11:25 PM
Dear Mapquest,
Thank you for giving me completely wrong directions. I'm sure you chuckled as I wandered the Inland Empire/edge of Orange County for an hour, nearly ran out of gas, ran a red light, and almost wept in relief at FINALLY locating a freeway. It must have been fun for you.

You and the Blackjack POS I call a phone must have just loved watching me try to figure out where I was. You knew the Blackjack had no GPS on it.

Screw you both, I'm getting an iPhone.


06-24-2010, 11:35 PM
Dear Ceiling Fan,

Do you think it is fun to blow hot air at me all the time?


06-25-2010, 05:41 PM
Dear Sacramento, California,

You and I have been friends from the day I was born, so I feel I know you pretty well. So after this morning, I think I have a good idea of what's going on with you.

You're having a mid-life crisis.

No, no. Don't get upset, it's okay! It happens to the best of us. Well, not me, but you know. It makes sense, doesn't it? All this strange weather... And I've been ignoring it the last few years, figuring, "You'll grow out of it."

And yet this morning it all became so clear as I'm driving to work, hearing the morning radio show announcing a high of 90F today (and 100F over the weekend) and... it begins to rain.

I have only a simple request: can you start raining more often and give us less of this icky heat? In fact, I would be most obliged if you could hop back into winter mode, stat.


06-25-2010, 05:45 PM
Dearest Vuvuzela,


It sounds like a wookie having a seizure.


06-25-2010, 08:12 PM
Dear Nissan Altima,

I fear I am losing you to another. We spend less and less time together now. You used to be so dependable but now you prefer to spend your time at the auto shop. I understand that you get more attention from them than from me ... checking under your hood, gazing intently into your deepest engine parts, feeding you with fluids and lubricants that I don't understand ... but I miss our time together. Remember all the new CD's we've listened to together, the road trips we've taken, the times I've lovingly washed your exterior with a soft rag ... well, ok, the times I've taken you through a car wash? I miss you ... come home soon!

Your Owner - who still pays your bills by the way!