Query Letter Discussion...

KTC · Jun 2, 2010

I was going to post this in Query Letter Hell SYW, but I thought it might be more appropriate here.

I've been silently reading query letters in 'hell' for the past few months. I can't begin a query letter by jumping into the story---without smirking and feeling like a dork. From my recollection, every single query letter begins this way...just taking the agent right into the story. I can't stop myself from beginning mine with an introduction before going into the pitch.

I think this comes from my querying magazines and newspapers. Doing this seems---perhaps erroneously---more officious and professional. Which is why I think I stop myself from creating query letters for manuscripts that begin:

Dear Agent:

Although Florence Henderson is a brilliant ten-year old, she's not smart enough to hide the fact that she can fly from those who shouldn't know.

By the way, that was totally made up...I just wanted to use something for an example. I understand that the first line of your pitch should grab the agent...but is there anything wrong with a brief introduction prior to jumping in in this fashion? Does anybody here query in different ways than what seems to be the norm?

I just can't do it. I have to begin:

Dear Agent:

My name is _____________. I am seeking representation......blah, blah, blah.

Again, that was just an example too. I just feel fake and phony and dumb if I do it as in the first example.

I know that my way works, because I have received several requests...but should I bite the bullet and do it the other way? Are the ones not requesting anything reading that first line and tossing my query aside?

I thought this could be a productive discussion. Any little bit helps in the world of query letters, right.

Cyia · Jun 2, 2010

The "I am seeking..." line used to be the most common advice given. Now most agents who blog about it say at best it's overlooked as invisible and at worst, it's annoying. Get to the story ASAP, if for no other reason than many agents open their email in a small window and get a max of 12 lines to read at a time. Catch their attention by line 12, or they reject it.

KTC · Jun 2, 2010

Cyia said:
The "I am seeking..." line used to be the most common advice given. Now most agents who blog about it say at best it's overlooked as invisible and at worst, it's annoying. Get to the story ASAP, if for no other reason than many agents open their email in a small window and get a max of 12 lines to read at a time. Catch their attention by line 12, or they reject it.

hmmm. interesting. I just checked...and I actually don't use 'I am seeking'. It was just a quick example. But that might make sense to my addled mind...that lines they see repeatedly kind of fade into nothingness.

CACTUSWENDY · Jun 2, 2010

From my understanding.....(giggles...), you have about ten seconds to grab the agents attention. If that's the case....I guess you had better get right to the story line. It may not be the best business way of writing a letter, but for writing a sales pitch,.....which is really what a query is, you had best grab while the grabbing is good. IMHO Remember, they are buying your story, not you.

Smish · Jun 2, 2010

The thing is, they already know you're seeking representation. So, it's pointless to say so.

Make every word count, and cut the worthless ones.

dgrintalis · Jun 2, 2010

I know I'm just echoing everyone else, but definitely hit the ground running and start with your hook.

Devil Ledbetter · Jun 2, 2010

Kev, I'm going to validate your parking on this one. My query starts with a hook; I hate it, and agents apparently hate it too. Starting with a hook feels cheesy to me, yet I did it because that's what "everyone" says were "supposed" to do. The query has netted me nothing but rejection. I've put querying on hold until I can come up with something better

If you can pull off brief and polite query intro that results in agent interest, that's all that matters.

Anytime you want to help me revise my craptastic, rejectomatic, hook-first query, just let me know.

Linda Adams · Jun 2, 2010

Why put your name in the body of the letter? It's on the envelope, it's at the top of the letter, so it's just wasted real estate.

I also think one of the problems with "I am seeking representation" is that is about you, not the story. It may actually invite people to prattle on about themselves, which is actually pretty common. Sometimes people spend all their time talking about themselves and never get around to what their story is about. Putting the hook in first is a signal you are getting down to business.

Also remember that the agents are receiving 250 queries and up a day. From your perspective, you're sending one letter to this agent, but their perspective, it's one of 250 letters. They have to go through all those letters in addition to dealing with normal business and clients and networking. They're going to want the letters to get to the point fast so they can make a decision. If it helps, think of it as saving the agent a little time.

Mine does start with a hook, and I've gotten a request for pages and a request for a partial off it. Ten rejections, too.

KTC · Jun 2, 2010

Devil Ledbetter said:
Kev, I'm going to validate your parking on this one. My query starts with a hook; I hate it, and agents apparently hate it too. Starting with a hook feels cheesy to me, yet I did it because that's what "everyone" says were "supposed" to do. The query has netted me nothing but rejection. I've put querying on hold until I can come up with something better

If you can pull off brief and polite query intro that results in agent interest, that's all that matters.

Anytime you want to help me revise my craptastic, rejectomatic, hook-first query, just let me know.

Thank you! Especially for your first paragraph. I'm glad that somebody understands the 'cheesy' feeling I get when I try to do this. It's like portraying something I'm not to me. My way query has given me 2 partial requests and 2 full requests in the past month or so. I just felt I had to be true to myself.

KTC · Jun 2, 2010

Again...if you go to post 3 you will see that I do not say 'I am seeking representation'...and post 1 says that I was only using a made up example. Yet that's the part everybody is commenting on.

Lucy · Jun 2, 2010

Just jump in. Those housekeeping details might seem like a better intro to you, but they aren't what the agent cares most about.

By "wasting" time talking about yourself up front, the agent might think that translates to fat writing.

litdirt · Jun 2, 2010

I read an online article with agent Dan Lazar, and he says to start letters to him by saying why you're approaching him in particular, not with the hook.

Smish · Jun 2, 2010

KTC said:
Again...if you go to post 3 you will see that I do not say 'I am seeking representation'...and post 1 says that I was only using a made up example. Yet that's the part everybody is commenting on.

Sigh. Do what you want; it's your query. I doubt anyone really gets rejected for including an introduction before jumping into the relevant part of the query.

However, whether you specifically say "I am seeking representation", or you say something equally meaningless, the point remains that the introduction is unnecessary. At best, the agent will simply skip over it to get to the meat of the query. At worst, the agent will be annoyed by the wasted words.

I agree that having an introduction seems more professional, but a query is different from a standard business letter (especially if it's an emailed query).

ETA: I do agree with the person above me that information specific to the agent is worth mentioning. It's the vague, obvious sorts of things that are a waste of time, imo.

amergina · Jun 2, 2010

I don't start with the hook. I start with why I am querying them. My query looks something like:

I read your interview on THIS BLOG and noticed you like BLAH BLAH, and I think my GENRE novel might interest you. NOVEL is complete at XXX,XXX words.

Hook & mini Synopsis.

Two sentences about who I am.

Name, Address, phone.

Of the 10 responses I've received back (so far... I just started querying), 3 have been partial requests. So they can't hate it *that* much...

KTC · Jun 2, 2010

amergina said:
I don't start with the hook. I start with why I am querying them. My query looks something like:

I read your interview on THIS BLOG and noticed you like BLAH BLAH, and I think my GENRE novel might interest you. NOVEL is complete at XXX,XXX words.

Hook & mini Synopsis.

Two sentences about who I am.

Name, Address, phone.

Of the 10 responses I've received back (so far... I just started querying), 3 have been partial requests. So they can't hate it *that* much...

I've done this too. I feel anything is better than,

"Gillian Batface is a hell of a girl, but why is she on fire".

jclarkdawe · Jun 2, 2010

You might want to look at I am seeking representation ...(

1 2), where we discussed this a while back.

Three years ago, I was firmly of the view it was a good opening. These days, I'm more inclined to want to see the story first. Ignoring those queries where it does make a difference (and there are definitely queries where it does matter), I'd go with starting with the story, but do I think it makes much difference?

Probably not. The reader tends to skim something like "I am seeking representation ..." and heads right for the meat. I can understand the comfort factor for you in starting your query that way. People have been starting queries with this line for at least a couple of decades.

No one that I know of has done a statistically valid study of this. I've done a query with both approaches, and the result didn't change between them.

Go with whatever makes you happy and find something better to worry about.

Best of luck,

Jim Clark-Dawe

Miss Plum · Jun 2, 2010

Linda Adams said:
Why put your name in the body of the letter? It's on the envelope, it's at the top of the letter

This -- at a minimum. From the time I was a kid, I was taught not to write "My name is," because that was the point of the closing.

Miss Plum · Jun 2, 2010

litdirt said:
I read an online article with agent Dan Lazar, and he says to start letters to him by saying why you're approaching him in particular, not with the hook.

Then definitely do so when you're querying Dan Lazar!

Janet Reid says don't do it; "You're here now, and that's what's important."

I've seen agent websites where the Submission Guidelines say to include a line on why you're choosing them.

So I guess the moral is, KNOW THY TARGET.

Wayne K · Jun 2, 2010

I found your agency using Querytracker and have read the submission guidelines on your website. You represent __% new writers and __% {genre here}. I am seeking representation for {title} a completed manuscript of ___words, which I believe it id a good fit for your agency

I start all query letters with something like this. I have about a 50-50 request to reject . I got beat up in query SYW for suggesting it, so I don't.

Tell ya what, it works. Agents like to know you took the time to do the work, read the website, stuff like that.

kaitie · Jun 2, 2010

Yeah, some agents say specifically that they prefer word count and genre listed up front. Others say to put it at the end because it takes away from the interest.

The way Janet Reid explains it is that with an email query, you have only a limited amount of space on the screen. It's best to go straight into what's interesting first. Like everyone else says, you have a limited amount of time to catch someone's interest.

What's going to mark you as a professional isn't having an introduction, and as others said, if the info is obvious (name, for instance, you're signing with that and it shows when they open the email who it's from) that could annoy people. What marks you as a professional is having a well-written query letter including all of the necessary information and not saying things like, "It's a guaranteed bestseller" or calling your work a "fiction novel."

Trust me, as long as you know what you're doing it will come off as professional, and I have no doubt that you do.

ArcticFox · Jun 2, 2010

I agree with those who said know the agent. Look and see who likes the info up front and those who don't and send them an appropriate version.

KTC · Jun 3, 2010

Thanks for all the feedback, all. And thank you, Jim, for the link. It seems this has been discussed before. I find that everybody feels pretty strongly about their preference, too. I'll keep reading query letter resources and keep reading query letters and keep reading about the agents receiving them. I do try to fit a query to the agent I'm sending it to. That's my first must when preparing one. I'm not convinced that I will go right into story in the future...though it seems most are passionate about this being the way to go. I just feel too stupid doing so. It just doesn't feel like me. But all of your points are duly noted and I'm considering things. I mean, something making sense to you is different than feeling okay about doing something. I always have to be difficult. You should see how I manage to get my pants on both legs at a time.

kaitie · Jun 3, 2010

You might feel differently once you do it and get used to seeing it that way, though. I had huge problems with the phrase "My novel is complete at 100,000 words." I don't know why, it just sounds really weird to me, but I kept seeing that as the example in various places and was told in QLH that it sounds better, so I finally changed it. Now it doesn't even make me flinch.

KTC · Jun 3, 2010

kaitie said:
You might feel differently once you do it and get used to seeing it that way, though. I had huge problems with the phrase "My novel is complete at 100,000 words." I don't know why, it just sounds really weird to me, but I kept seeing that as the example in various places and was told in QLH that it sounds better, so I finally changed it. Now it doesn't even make me flinch.

Yeah...but this is after trying it 'that' way over and over again. I just couldn't hit 'send'. BUT...after reading through...I'm practicing that way right now again...just to see how it feels again. I'm rewriting just for fun and feel...

kaitie · Jun 3, 2010

In the end it's your choice. If it's well written and the premise sounds good, they'll request pages. No one's going to be rejecting you just because you put an introduction. And we all know you can write.

I think honestly, it's not worth stressing over.

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