PDA

View Full Version : Open Door



alanna
08-25-2005, 07:13 PM
So, just for the heck of it I'm posting some lyrics to a song I just wrote. Let me know what you think! :)

Open Door

Shadows abound

And you have found

That you donít know the world any more

You look around,

And hear a sound,

But all that you find is an open door,

Wasnít it locked before?



Do you walk through into the light,

Or do you stay here trapped in night,

They try to tell you that itís all in your head,

But you canít see why they want you to stay in bed,

Shouldnít you be out there living life,

Instead of trapped in unending strife?



Shadows abound,

And you have found,

The door is closer then ever before,

You look around,

And hear a sound,

And see a world begin to unfold,

Wasnít it just light before?



Can you see the possibilities,

Can you see the flowering trees,

They try to tell that the sky isnít true,

Itís all a lie, created by you,

But you canít see why they want you to stay in bed,

Shouldnít you be out there,

laughing with friends instead?



Shadows are gone,

The light carries on,

And you have walked through an open door,

You look around

And you have found,

That youíre not in this world any more,

Wasnít there pain before?

alanna
08-30-2005, 11:36 PM
Does anyone, anyone at all, have anything to say? Please? Oh pretty pretty please? I really am curious to see what you guys think, good or bad. I can take criticism pretty well, so don't be afraid to let loose.

triceretops
08-30-2005, 11:45 PM
I like it Alanna, it has a good flow to it. I'm not a songwriter but it gave me a good feeling. I hope some poets or songwriters come along and comment.

Triceratops

Susie
09-03-2005, 11:16 PM
I really like your song, Alanna. I was singing it to myself, too. I noticed any more s/b one word, but that's the only typo. Keep writing.

sunshinefaith83
09-05-2005, 07:03 AM
Dear Alanna I liked it very much. It's beautiful, it's rhythm is smooth, it flows very well. The only thing is it sounds more like poem, and a terrific one at that. I'm a poetry writer,I'm not familiar with the whole Songwriting bit. I'd love to write one someday. Is songwritin any different then writing poetry?

sunshinefaith

rtilryarms
09-12-2005, 01:59 AM
I like the message of escaping from torment and or depression and starting over. It is a good message for various ailments, either physical or mental. I wonder what you were defeating as you wrote this?

Just a couple of things in my humble opinion:

"They try to tell you that itís all in your head,

But you canít see why they want you to stay in bed,"

If at all possible, keep they out of it. "They" is a trap which many professionals in poetry, song and other writing avoid. It makes a message become a rebellion theme. Itís me or us against them and detracts from the original idea.

Try something like:

Youíve been told that itís all in your head

But you canít see why you should stay in bed.

Of course it might change the cadence of your song and therefore it makes my comment wrong.

"And see a world begin to unfold,"

Interesting that you broke rhyme here. You were consistent up to this point. Try to make it flow with the past verses. Again no big deal when you sing it as opposed to reading it. Singing it changes a lot of things and makes for a lot of forgiving. Look at Rod Stewartís early songs. He got famous on melody and theme, certainly not poetry.


Please donít take the critique to mean I didnít like it. Just pointing out possible improvements.

alanna
09-12-2005, 06:14 PM
Thank you all so much for responding. Your comments are very much appreciated. rtilryarms- your comments are very interesting. I will definitely keep them in mind. :)

-Alanna

threedogpeople
09-12-2005, 06:42 PM
:Clap: Great imagery!! I've added my 2 cents worth (in red). Beautiful song, wish I could hear the music too.:Clap:

=======

Shadows abound
And you have found
That you donít know the world any more
You look around,
And hear a sound,
But all that you find is an open door,
Wasnít it locked before?


Do you walk through into the light,
Or do you stay here trapped in night,
They try to tell you that itís all in your head,
But you canít see why they want you to stay in bed,
"to keep it locked inside instead"
Shouldnít you be out there living life,
Instead of trapped in unending pointless strife?


Shadows abound,
And you have found,
The door is closer then ever before,
You look around,
And hear a sound,
And see a world begin to unfold,
You changed from "hear" back to "see". I would suggest "hearing the uproar begin to unfold"
Wasnít it just light (silence, prayer, quiet) before?

Can you see the possibilities,
Can you see the flowering trees,
They try to tell that the sky isnít true, (blue?)
Itís all a lie, created by you,
But you canít see why they want you to stay in bed,
Shouldnít you be out there,
laughing with friends instead?


Shadows are gone,
The light carries on,
And you have walked through an open door,
You look around
And you have found,
That youíre not in this world any more,
Wasnít there pain (nothing) before?

DeathsLove
09-27-2005, 06:44 AM
Idk i like it. Its a beautiful piece. I would love to hear it sung!