Growing Thicker Skin

I had this same problem when I started out. I think the way that I learned to grow thicker skin was by reading the comments and using them to my advantage; fixing things that needed fixing. It took a while, and a lot of critiques, but I think that I've built up a thick enough skin for now, and it's getting thicker. You just have to learn to take the comments with a grain of salt and remember that they're trying to help you, not personally attack you.

Go into SYW without a flak jacket and let the squirrels surgically remove your ego with a bazooka. After that, you develop a nice, thick callous to replace it and the rest is a cake walk.

I've never had this problem. I think it's because I put my book out there expecting it to fail. (Not because I think I suck as a writer, but because the industry is so tough) So when I got requests, I would freak out with excitement and when I was rejected, I was expecting it so no harm done.

But that's just me.. and from what I've read on here, I'm in the minority.

So, although this is terribly bad advice, perhaps you should train yourself to expect failure and maybe you'll be surprised =)

First, congrats on getting to a point where you're ready to share your work. It's a big step, but a necessary one. You need objective critiques and guidance to grow as a writer. Now some advice.

You are not your book. Your book is not your baby. It is not an extension of yourself. It is not your soul. You may have put your blood, sweat and tears into writing it, but it is just a product. When people critique your writing, it is not a reflection on how much they like you. Critiques on writing are not indicative of your worth as a person. The more you are able to seperate your self from your writing, the easier the critiques will be to take.

Don't respond right away. It's natural to want to know immediately what people think. When you get feedback, you want to jump on it right away and start fixing issues. Don't. Digest it. Think on it. Absorb it. Also, don't argue or try to defend your work. If you have to explain something to the reader, then there is a problem with the writing. Simply thank the reviewer for taking the time and think on the critique. Vent to your close friends or pound your pillow, but don't ever argue.

Good luck and don't be afraid to take the plunge. If you're ever going to put it out there for agents and editors, you'll need to overcome the stage fright. This is how you do it. One critique at a time.

I have rock hard skin when it comes to my writing. You could read my stuff, tell me you hate my work and think I'm nothing more than an overblown hack, and I'd smile and say thank you for your time.

If you don't have armadillo skin, one thing to keep in mind is that a critique (harsh or not) is a crit of your work, not you personally. Even if a crit feels like a sucker punch to the gut, be gracious, say thank you, and when the sting wears off, take a good look at their comments and see if they have merit. Often they do. And remember, a critique is someone's opinion based on their own subjective tastes and likes/dislike. Listen to their comments, thank them for their time and feedback, but remember, at the end of the day, it's your book, and you don't have to make their suggested changes.

CheyElizabeth said:

I've never had this problem. I think it's because I put my book out there expecting it to fail. (Not because I think I suck as a writer, but because the industry is so tough) So when I got requests, I would freak out with excitement and when I was rejected, I was expecting it so no harm done.

But that's just me.. and from what I've read on here, I'm in the minority.

So, although this is terribly bad advice, perhaps you should train yourself to expect failure and maybe you'll be surprised =)

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same here

Think of this: Negative emotions like fear and anxiety can be overcome by physical actions. Physically, can you submit your stuff? You bet you can. Therefore, negative emotions can only make you feel uncomfortable at times; they can't stop you from submitting. I don't think you need a thicker skin, as long you insist on doing what is logical to advance your career regardless of anxiety. Write your checklist of important writing tasks and then follow it no matter how you feel.

M.Austin said:

Dgrin, I've read some of your work and absolutely admire your voice. There's a reason you don't care, and it's because you're damn good. =P

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Okay, you made me blush. Not fair. Thank you very much for the compliment, but I really do care what people think. I hope my post didn't come across as contrary to that. I value critiques just as much as the next writer. I just don't let someone's dislike or criticism of my work tear me to pieces inside, because I can't please everyone and not everyone will like my work--that's a universal truth. And again, my work isn't me.

Soccer Mom said:

Don't respond right away.

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I can't echo this enough.

When you're first getting crits back, don't respond. Wait -- at bare minimum -- 24 hours. If you feel you must write a snarky reply, do it on a sheet of paper, then set fire to it and flush the ashes.



Then, triage the replies you get:

(1) Jesus Christ, they're totally right, and I hate how right they are, but they ARE.

(2) Ehhhh. I don't really feel like this works. It doesn't fit what I'm trying to do. Doesn't resonate with me.

(3) WTF is this person on? Did they even read my story?



And then your responses should be:

(1) Thank you. (Optional: You're totally right, thanks for spotting that.)

(2) Thank you. (Optional: I'll have to think about this while I'm editing.)

(3) Thank you. (Optional: I appreciate the time you took to read and respond to my story.)



Fastest way to develop a thick skin is act like you have one. Like my dad always said to me, fake it until you make it.

Two simple steps to a happy SYW experience:

First, the best response from you is a simple "Thank you." That's all you have to say. It doesn't mean that you agree with them or will take their advice, just that you appreciate that they took the time to look over your writing and comment. It'll keep you looking classy and won't discourage others from posting crits of your work.

Second, maintain a healthy emotional distance. This is the hard part, of course, but if you only respond with "thank you", then no one will ever know if you falter a bit at first. It helps to submit a piece of your work that, while finished and edited, is not your favorite. It also helps to crit other people's work and read other crits while you wait--then, when someone tells you the same thing you told someone else, it's easy to recognize the lack of malice and the actual desire to help that engendered the comment. Remember that ANY written work can be critiqued, no matter how "perfect". And finally, give it time. You might not agree with any of the responses right away, but when you come back in a month's time and re-read, you might be surprised how a comment that seemed almost nasty before now seems not only reasonable, but like a godsend!

Can you tell that I didn't start out with rhinohide?

You'll get there. Oh, and also, remember this: while SYW might seem scary, there's no actual success or failure there, and nothing's on the line. The harshest SYW crit gives you something to work with and somewhere to go, but a form rejection from an agent just sucks.

Best of luck!

M.Austin said:

How exactly to I grow thicker skin? Is there a particular way you look at it in order to make sure you don't get your feelings hurt?

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Just send the work out. Don't overthink it. And don't think a rejection letter is an attack on YOU. Editors and agents reject stories and novels all the time, for any number of reasons. What works for one market doesn't work for another.

As long as you have confidence in your work, you'll be fine.

I wouldn't suggest posting your writing or going to a crit group, though. All you'll end up with are tons of opinions. Send your work to people who might be able to buy it or represent it.

Good luck!

M.Austin said:

How exactly to I grow thicker skin? Is there a particular way you look at it in order to make sure you don't get your feelings hurt?

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You could also try the SYW exercise in reverse; go look at some drafts, either here or on other writers' forums, and critique them -- not necessarily on the site, but at least for yourself. Notice how you honestly expose flaws, respond to weaknesses, point out plot holes, feel what doesn't work in the style, etc. You might even cringe and complain. Then notice something else: you have nothing against the other writer. It's merely an objective, honest view of a peer's work. Has nothing to do with anyone's character or feelings; it's just this particular thing they've produced.

Now take a step back, and see that this is the same thing that's happening to you when you get reviewed. Someone is looking at your work and responding to the words on the page, not shooting flaming arrows at you.

My experience is a little different. Way back decades ago, I showed my first short story to two critique groups, one of which had professional writers as members. Every member found something seriously wrong with the story. All said it was completely unpublishable, and need a LOT of work.

This didn't hurt my feelings because it was my first short story. But I took the story home, read it, liked it a sit was, and decided to submit it. It sold, as was, to the first national glossy that read it.

I thinjk it's just basic human nature to find flaws when doing a critique, even if there are none.

Being a slow learner, I repeated the experience with my next two stories, again with similar results. According to the groups, the stories were seriously flawed and unpublishable. Again, both stories sold, as was, to the first magazines I sent them to. Just like that, I was making more money from writing than from my crappy day job, and with stories that critique groups thought were unpublishable.

As a teaching tool, I've repeated this process with workshops and writers groups over the years, and I've yet to submit a published story by any writer that didn't receive severe criticism, as long as the writers in the group or workshop thought the story had been written by a new, unpublished writer.

I learned my lessons. I have a tough skin, but I also have a better nose for what is and isn't publishable than do beta readers. If an editor spots a flaw, I tend to believe him, and it doesn't hurt my feelings a bit. Other than this, I can do my own writing, take the credit when something is right, and take the blame when it's wrong.

My feelings on it:

#1 I liked it. That doesn't have to mean anything to anyone else, but it means a lot to me.

#2 I'll happily change it if parts can be made better for other people. The reader is king.

#3 You'll help me find those parts? Cool!!

If a critter thinks I'm a bad writer, I say 'meh'. It's not finished yet, and I already liked it

M.Austin said:

How exactly to I grow thicker skin? Is there a particular way you look at it in order to make sure you don't get your feelings hurt?

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I did ballet, so I developed an artistically thick skin early on.

But with regards, specifically, to writing, you just have to remember that they're criticizing your work, not you. Anyone who offers an opinion brings their own skills (or lack thereof) to the table, as well as their own prejudices and--in some cases--agendas. Criticism is subjective by nature.

So sift through their words and pull out the pieces that ring true and appear consistently. When several people make a similar comment, it's time to consider that their opinion may have merit.

But, also, never forget that some people's criticisms are downright ridiculous.

Use what you can, throw away the rest, and remember: it's not personal.

Jamesaritchie said:

My experience is a little different. Way back decades ago, I showed my first short story to two critique groups, one of which had professional writers as members. Every member found something seriously wrong with the story. All said it was completely unpublishable, and need a LOT of work.

This didn't hurt my feelings because it was my first short story. But I took the story home, read it, liked it a sit was, and decided to submit it. It sold, as was, to the first national glossy that read it.

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One of the surest ways to grow a thick skin as a writer is to have the first bullet out of the muzzle kill the big bear.

caw

It took me years to be able to share anything and so far I've still only managed to do so over the Internet - because the people on the Internet aren't really quite real you know.

It was just a case of time, getting use to it. Discovering that nobody was going to go "Oh my god, this is total trash!" helped and I just grew in confidence. I can take much more blunt critique now than I could five years ago.

One thing you could do it try going over one of your own stories with your more harsh critical hat on and really picking out anything you think could be a problem and you've been hoping nobody else would notice. I've just finished editing a novel, and had added lots of comment bubbles in Word during my first read of it. General points to fix when editing etc. Later it struck me how snarky and downright mean some of the comments were! I'd never be that nasty when doing a beta on someone else's work. So if you maybe go through and give your own work a good drubbing then anything anyone else says is probably going to be flattering by comparison!

Good luck!

Midnight Star said:

I had this same problem when I started out. I think the way that I learned to grow thicker skin was by reading the comments and using them to my advantage; fixing things that needed fixing. It took a while, and a lot of critiques, but I think that I've built up a thick enough skin for now, and it's getting thicker. You just have to learn to take the comments with a grain of salt and remember that they're trying to help you, not personally attack you.

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This. And I still cry when I get a particularly bad crit. The thing is, even when I'm crying and feeling like I'm just completely incapable of writing anything worthwhile, I also know that in a couple of hours I'm going to sit down and fix it, and that my work will be better for it. I don't mind rejection letters nearly so much as getting feedback on my work. Those I still get nervous about. I've got someone helping me out with my story now, and each time I get something back, I still have that moment of "eep, what on earth did she say?" Of course, it's never as bad as I expected.

The thing is, even when I get a crit back just marked up with tons of things I've done wrong, I always know that I can improve. It's really not so bad, and you do get used to it. Even if I still get nervous, I'm much better than I once was. The great thing about writing is that you get to rewrite as many times as you like. That's an amazing, great thing. I mean, think about it. It's not like taking a test where if you fail that's it. You get to redo it over and over until you've got that 100% you're looking for. That's a pretty awesome thing, isn't it?

dgrintalis said:

I have rock hard skin when it comes to my writing. You could read my stuff, tell me you hate my work and think I'm nothing more than an overblown hack, and I'd smile and say thank you for your time.

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I'd take this as a compliment.



I mean, it worked for Dan Brown, right?

My two suggestions:

1) Low expectations - Don't submit a book expecting it to be universally loved, because no book has ever been.

2) Find and read rejections other people have gotten - Get used to the language of rejection, and see that even the writers you love had to suffer through it.