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Enigma
08-23-2005, 03:34 PM
I need some help checking terms I've used in a script. When the rewrite is finished it'll be sent to a muck-muck in Nashville and I don't want it to read like I don't know beans about music (which I don't, but that's another issue).

If you see something wrong in the following, let me know. It's the final scene and the total running time is about 5 to 6.5 minutes. The genre of music, country or rock, isn't identified in the script; it will depend on who plays the role.

Would appreciate your comments on the (bolded) terms, if they're used correctly or not.

Beginning page 94:

She looks at him and around the theater, a little nervous.

Paul watches her and waits. The house lights fade.

MUSIC MONTAGE # 9

Judy is alone, a tiny figure on the big stage. Alone, in a pin spot.

She sings a phrase, slowly, quietly, nervously. She hesitates. A little confused.

A keyboard sets the next CHORD, swelling under her and she begins again, this time solidly. The pin spot widens to reveal Judy in full costume and she moves into the mood of the big, building, show-stopping finale.

Paul smiles, pleased at what is before him.

On stage, a complete arrangement comes in behind Judy and the main curtains part to reveal a full band on stage backing her performance. And what a performance it is, a performance of a lifetime, the one Judy was always capable of delivering, exciting and energetic, and unbelievably great.

As the arrangement builds, so does the staging, to a full production number.

The house builds, too. As Paul is now in a house full of people who are thoroughly enjoying Judy's performance.

As the various shots of the production number begin to build, others begin to be intercut, scenes that seem to be foreign, mysterious and abstract, such as, but not confined to:

A point of view shot moving down a deserted street where all of the angles are oddly distorted.

Other scenes crowd in, vignettes of the past, quick reminders of Paul's knowledge of Judy from the beginning, all over the passing images of the street, all inserted music video style over Judy singing, the stage performance and Paul's enjoyment.

As the number builds to its ending, a cut of the lonely street emerges again, this time with fog rolling in and weird images of black cats crossing, kites flying upside down, haggard faces looking out from doorways and alleys.

Paul, winces and squints his eyes to erase the images and refocus on Judy's performance.

On stage Judy builds to the climax.

On the street a lonely, tired woman is standing under a street lamp, fog swirling around her.

Paul stares at the stage in disbelief.

Judy gets to that final HOLD NOTE and the orchestra builds it's big ending under her.

The woman under the lamp turns and it is Judy.

Paul squints again to block out the image, his lips form a "no".

With a tear in her eye Judy moves past, and up the street, into the fog.

Paul's face emerges from the fog. He's watching her.

On stage, Judy finishes under the swell of the final chords, the pin spot on her slowly fades and the music ends.

EXT. - THEATER - NIGHT

VERY CLOSE on Paul, still leaning against the boxoffice, head back, eyes closed. He's distracted by movement in front of him and a tear runs down his cheek.

The view WIDENS as two AMBULANCE ATTENDANTS gently move Judy's body from its resting place against Paul.

There is an undertone of the finale surfacing under the scene as Stan steps forward gently. He picks up the Teddy Bear from the ground in front of Paul and hands it to him. Stan is as broken up as Paul.

STAN

I'm, I'm sorry, Paul...

Paul holds the Teddy Bear close and stares after Judy.

STAN (CONT'D)

... but, all dreams gotta end sometime ...

The music builds a bit and Judy's voice reprises the final MEASURES of the song.

Paul and Stan slowly wander toward the ambulance as the Attendants strap Judy's body to the stretcher. The Attendants give Paul a moment.

Paul, clutching the Teddy Bear tightly, allows Stan to lead him over to the limo. The end composition is on the limo, the marquee and the police working the crime scene in front of the theater.

The ambulance Attendants move back into the scene with an- other stretcher to recover Brayn's body.

On the last words of the SONG Judy's voice goes into deep ECHO and dissolves into the final swell of the orchestra.

EXT. - LONELY STREET - NIGHT

The fog settles on the empty street as the finale music reprises again to the end.

astonwest
08-24-2005, 04:25 AM
Just a general suggestion, but I would think you'd get more feedback up in the script writing area, from script writers who have handled music within a script. I venture finding those would be easier than finding song writers who have written scripts with music included...but then, I tend to be wrong a lot.

Enigma
08-24-2005, 05:06 AM
Just a general suggestion, but I would think you'd get more feedback up in the script writing area, from script writers who have handled music within a script. I venture finding those would be easier than finding song writers who have written scripts with music included...but then, I tend to be wrong a lot.

Er, script writing is where I kind of came from, and they suggested I come here. The request was to ask you to check my use of terms, in context, like NEXT CORD, SINGS A PHRASE, the stuff I bolded. I don't want to use terms that would be wrong or laughed at because the people it'll be going to along the way west do know music, and I don't.

e.g. - Just check the terms usage, if you would be so kind. I need for the reader to think, "... this guy did his homework," not, "... what is(!) he talking about here, and here, and here?" They're expecting the script, and they expect it to be right; a smooth read. It's like an audition - rarely do you get a second chance to make a good impression.