- Joined
- Feb 20, 2010
- Messages
- 31
- Reaction score
- 6
I need a temporary mentor for a novel I'm working on. The story is finished, but in the 'cob' stage (as in 'rough as a...'). Chapter 2 has an info dump that needs to be hauled to the dump and will be.
I'm looking for someone willing to do a quick read and tell me what is working and what isn't. I've had four romance readers (not writers) read it so far. The one thing they all agree on is that it is a little different than the standard romance novel once I got past the "I like its." I need more than that. I'd really like to be able to send it out in a search for representation eventually.
It started out as a mystery novel but mutated to romance. I write mystery, but, ironically, the only short I've ever had place in a national competition was a science fiction love story, so I decided to take the romance plunge with this one.
Here are the opening lines:
Chase looked at him there on her bed. He’d drooled on the pillow, his spittle now adding to the other bodily fluids she’d throw in the washing machine. The hair plastering his forehead was dyed. She’d missed that. The hand swiping at his nose had an un-tanned line on the fourth finger. The s#n#fab#tch was married. She’d missed that too.
His eyes opened after the fourth nudge with the toilet plunger.
“You want some breakfast?”
“Sure,” he slurred through the smile she was sure was masking his attempts to recall her name.
“The restaurant opened five minutes ago. It’ll be full in fifteen, so you better hurry.”
I'd appreciate hearing from someone. I can only offer the same in return. I love to read and critique and offer suggestions.
I'm looking for someone willing to do a quick read and tell me what is working and what isn't. I've had four romance readers (not writers) read it so far. The one thing they all agree on is that it is a little different than the standard romance novel once I got past the "I like its." I need more than that. I'd really like to be able to send it out in a search for representation eventually.
It started out as a mystery novel but mutated to romance. I write mystery, but, ironically, the only short I've ever had place in a national competition was a science fiction love story, so I decided to take the romance plunge with this one.
Here are the opening lines:
Chase looked at him there on her bed. He’d drooled on the pillow, his spittle now adding to the other bodily fluids she’d throw in the washing machine. The hair plastering his forehead was dyed. She’d missed that. The hand swiping at his nose had an un-tanned line on the fourth finger. The s#n#fab#tch was married. She’d missed that too.
His eyes opened after the fourth nudge with the toilet plunger.
“You want some breakfast?”
“Sure,” he slurred through the smile she was sure was masking his attempts to recall her name.
“The restaurant opened five minutes ago. It’ll be full in fifteen, so you better hurry.”
I'd appreciate hearing from someone. I can only offer the same in return. I love to read and critique and offer suggestions.