I'm really not doing well

I've been avoiding a lot of thinking today. Trying to do mindless things but the truth is, I'm a wreck and you guys are really the only family I can turn to.

On Saturday, I got a call from my youngest boy telling me he'd been injured. He's 18 and was hiking in the mountains with his gf and her mother to go to some hot springs. The morning last Saturday started out sunny and relatively warm for Utah this time of year. They went to some hot springs, which btw he found out is not to his liking (too many spiders and slimy alge).

Well of course they got hit by a snowstorm. It's Utah, he was up in the mountains and it's March. On his way down from the springs, he slipped and fell backwards over rocks and ice and caught himself just before going over the edge of the path to fall some 50 feet into an icy river.

The call was to tell me that his gf's mother wouldn't let him drive home, he couldn't really walk and breathing was difficult. On Sunday, he was diagnosed with a bruised tail bone and spine and signed out of work for a few days.

Crisis averted right? Not so fast.

So last night I'm sitting with my other son, age 22. He was unusually subdued. He starts off with, "Mom, I'm so glad to see you." I got a huge huge in which he wouldn't let me go. (Red flag)

Then he said,

"I should tell you, I had a near death experience on Monday." So he sits me down and begins to tell me how while hiking during spring break down in Southern Utah, he was 6000 feet about a canyon floor at Angel's Landing and hiking his way back down and trying to help one of the girls hiking with him. He couldn't get a hand hold or foot hold on anything because of the ice and snow they encountered so he decided to sit down and just gently slide down.

At first it was okay, then he began to pick up speed and the trail curved, he wasn't following it but heading straight for the cliff's edge without anything to stop him. He said he felt so calm and thought, "I'm going to die." He was prepared. And then he just stopped---between two to three feet of the cliffs edge where he would have plummeted 6000 feet to his death.

Now, I know, they are both with me. Okay one's at work and the other's at his dad's for a couple days and then back to college, but given that my financial situation is not improving in spite of good news and promises of future work, I'm frozen to my chair trying to grasp at anything and everything I can to calm my pounding heart and to stop the tears that just keep falling.

I'm in a bad way. What can I say. I know they are okay but it just doesn't feel okay some how.

I just got off the phone with my daughter and told her what's going on and was very supportive.

As I was telling Jongfan on yahoo messenger this has dredged up so much. I miss my mom. We didn't have a good relationship but I knew if I wasn't coping and needed to talk to her, she'd be there. It's just do dang hard to get blind sided. I was okay on Saturday and I was okay last night...and then today...bam. I miss my mom and I wish my kids still lived at home.

Well, kinda. I've been trying to get that 18 year old out on his own. Now, not so much.

alleycat said:

I suspect it's closer to the true to say you've been trying to avoid thinking about things, but you just can't help it. Your worst fears and worries probably keep running through your head.

Besides trying to relax, and getting busy with other things, remember that you don't have to accept your own thoughts. We tell ourselves stuff all the time; a lot of what we tell ourselves, especially during times of stress, is pure crap. When you start hearing that voice in your head telling you something bad is going to happen, just gently remind yourself that it's just a thought, nothing more--not necessarily the truth, or any kind of premonition. And that "this too shall pass".

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You're channeling for my mother, aren't you? Thank you so much. That's exactly what she would have said.

Silver King said:

No more hiking for those two! Tell them their mother's sanity depends upon it.

You'll be all right, Cass. The absolute worst has been averted, and when your mind has grasped that fact, the sense of relief and thankfulness won't be far behind and will nudge your current worries aside. You'll see.

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I'll tell them you said that, SK.

My youngest tried very hard to play his down when he stood listening to his older brother. He even went a bit pale. And his older brother didn't want to go home to his dad's house even when it was midnight.

Like I've said before, I'm a snuggly mom. We sat for hours talking and looking at his iphone he bought and I told him it was totally okay (I'm such an enabler) and I let him lay his head on my lap while he told me about the girl he's dating and what he's doing in school.

My other boy kept coming to me for hugs. I think we will feel this ripple for a while to come and maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it will help us reconnect as two of my three kids are barely around.

Life happens.

Snowstorm said:

I think you're in shock, Cassiopeia. I think you can well imagine what they went through in those seconds as they were so close to falling to their deaths. That's hard, even if you weren't the one about to go over the ledges. They're your boys, your babies. And in a short amount of time you came close to losing both of them.

Heck, my throat is tight and I have tears in my eyes just typing this!

Frankly, let yourself feel what you're feeling. In time, it'll pass.

When it does, yell at your boys: "Do that again and I'll kill you!"

As always, you came to right place.

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I told my boys when they both wanted motorcycles..."Just try it, I'll break both your legs"

alleycat said:

My mother favorite line when I was a teen was: "Hardhead! You never listen. Just go ahead and kill yourself, you'll be sorry then."


Just trying to add a little humor for Cass's benefit.

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I just want to know one thing. Where's the booze!

Adam said:

Yeesh, Kim! I'm so glad that neither was badly hurt.

Try not to dwell on what could have happened, and focus on the fact that they're safe and sound.

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:Hugs2:

TheIT said:

You're a mom, and you just found out something threatened your children. Seems perfectly natural to me that you're shaken. Hang in there, remember that they're safe, and take care of yourself.

Here's another hug:

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EFCollins said:

Ah, girl. It's so hard when it's our kids, huh? If it was you, you'd probably be fine right now. But just the thought of the possible loss, one that no mother or father should ever have to endure... I'd say you are all to pieces. Try to breathe. Hug them extra tight. Bean them over the head with an iron skillet for being so darned dare-devilish and scaring you like that. Smother their faces with kisses. They're safe now. I know it's hard when you're the mom. But let yourself cry it out. Fear, relief that it did turn out fine, love. What an overwhelming mix! You need to release it and let it go somewhere outside of you.



I'm glad they're okay.

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Rowan said:

First, I'm so relieved to hear that both are okay. And on that note: it sounds like you've got two wonderful, respectful, well-turned-out boys there!!! You should be proud.

Second, take a deep breath and keep telling yourself that they're okay. And everything is going to be okay. They're young and they think they're invincible but if nothing else, these close calls will remind them that they're not. And maybe---just maybe---they'll be more careful. At least for a while! Boys!

Cheers

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I'm so relieved and yet terrified. man, you are so glad when they grow up and stop falling out of trees...but now cliffs? both of them within two days of each other? Is this a sign? God help me, I thought them being little was hard but at least I had some measure of keeping them safe.

Bartholomew said:

Cyberhugs!

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You are an angel, I miss our IRC chats. Thanks for the PM.

aadams73 said:

I solved this problem by telling my parents nothing.

That said, I'm glad they're okay, Cass. They're safe and sound which means something's watching out for them.

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That's what I figured too. My older son told me, there was no logical reason he stopped from going over. He just did. I say it's time to thank the powers that be, who were watching over both my sons on those two days.

Mandy-Jane said:

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Hey sweetie. it's good to see you.

alleycat said:

I thought I was channeling Cher in Moonstruck. "Get over it!"

Would work better if I could slap you upside the head while saying it.


Just teasing. ;-)

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That could work.

Yeshanu said:

More hugs for you, Kim. And I'll echo SK, though my initial thought was, "Stay away from Utah!"

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Heh. We have beautiful canyons throughout the state. It's the hiker's paradise in Southern Utah. Ironically my son stopped along the way, after almost falling 6000 feet to note that the photo background on my business site is from the area he was hiking.

Wayne K said:

Uh, you'd be a bad mom if this didn't drive you to distraction. Have you kicked their butts and forbid them to go hiking lately? Cause that's what I would do.

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Yes, I told them both, no more hiking until the summer weather is here and next time they take equipment. Has no one heard of rope climbing and safety gear?

Skyrish said:

cassiopeia said:

I'm in a bad way. What can I say. I know they are okay but it just doesn't feel okay some how.

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This was the Week of Scares!!!

Sky

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yes it has..for both of us.