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milly
03-15-2010, 11:27 PM
I have written three novels so far and am queryig my first one. It is a completed work of commercial women's fiction, has been edited thoroughly, and is borderline PG-13/R rated for subject matter and sexuality.

I have had six beta readers thus far but all were people who knew me. This is my first shot at having a complete stranger take a look at it and I desperately need the help and am willing to take the criticism as it comes to improve my writing.

If anyone is interested, please PM me and I will be more than happy to share. Below is an excerpt to show my writing style:

Dannon raised his eyebrows in curiosity and appeared to be evaluating my reaction though he did not seem surprised by it.

"You are so much like I was when I was your age," Dannon noted, shaking his head with a tender "don’t feel sorry for me" smile widening across his face. "I just hate how things change…I mean, until my mom died, all I ever thought abut was becoming a musician."

"You are a musician…an amazing one," I interrupted bashfully.

"I can play…even sing a little, but…I don’t consider myself a musician. I played on my own as a child…taught myself since we couldn’t afford a teacher, though I did take guitar and piano lessons for a year when I was 16 years old from my elementary school music teacher who did it for free as a favor to my mom," Dannon chuckled to himself, "Mrs. Pennington…she played fiddle and flute and fooled around with the harmonica and kazoo, but mostly, she loved country music…she was really somethin’ else…she had these old Conway Twitty album covers nailed to her kitchen wall that she’d sing to with an egg beater for a microphone while I played guitar along with her."

"Please tell me that you did not learn to play and sing to "Slow Hand," I interjected sarcastically, giggling at the thought of how much my sister Bobbie loved that song.

"You guessed it!" Dannon started imitating Twitty himself, furrowing his brow into mock seriousness, singing the chorus until he forgot the words halfway through the first verse. I nodded while he sang as if moved by his rendition and we both fell apart laughing when he finished. It was nice to laugh with him I thought.

"You know that was actually a Pointer Sisters song," I added while we readjusted ourselves in our seats, "but…I’ve always preferred Conway’s version myself," I giggled again, "My sister Bobbie...huge Conway Twitty Loretta Lynn junkie, swears that his version hit number one on the charts the day I was born."

Dannon looked at me like I was crazy. I’d been rambling.

"Umm…she was a little obsessive…yeah, I guess that’s the right word for it...she kept a pretty close track of his career and all its milestones," I clarified awkwardly.

"So…you were born in ’82?" Dannon asked randomly.

"1983 actually," I corrected.

"When that song came out…it was 1982…well, forget it…I’m glad you were born then…1983 was a good year!" Dannon held up his hand as if toasting with an imaginary champagne glass and laughed at my ignorance at where he was headed. I toasted him back.

KevaD
04-11-2010, 04:54 PM
Hi, Milly

I'm open to critique it if you're interested.
I also have a finished manuscript that I have been calling 'romance' but it has been suggested it is more 'women's fiction' if you're looking to do a swap.

I'm blunt, but honest and never try to offend or hurt.

Let me say this about your post:

The manuscript is written through the protagonist's eyes, but we hear Dannon chuckling to himself. POV issue.

PM me if you're interested.