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brokenfingers
03-08-2010, 01:23 AM
Let's face it, sometimes the world sucks. We all have bad days sometimes and we can always use a good laugh.

So, if you run into a pic or a joke or a video that you find funny, post it here to help lighten up someone else's day.

It always feels good to smile.

[POTENTIAL FOUL LANGUAGE WARNING]


Here's one to get things started:

http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c142/samiamin/owM50.gif
(http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c142/samiamin/owM50.gif)

brainstorm77
03-08-2010, 02:27 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_uy2sDj5e0 It's from Mama's family skip to 2:28. I laughed till I cried to this. :)

Ken
03-08-2010, 02:41 AM
... had a riddle book back when I was a kid. One of my favorites was:

Q: Why did the silly boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

Still makes me smile :-)

brainstorm77
03-08-2010, 02:42 AM
... had a riddle book back when I was a kid. One of my favorites was:

Q: Why did the silly boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

Still makes me smile :-)

I like that one :) Good one to tell at work.

brokenfingers
03-08-2010, 03:17 AM
http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c142/samiamin/coward.jpg

Silver King
03-08-2010, 07:44 AM
So this very proper butler was told by his employer that she would be going into town for a few drinks, and he should take the night off.

When she returned early, she was quite tipsy and surprised to see him.

She said, "Take off my gown."

He was embarrassed but did as he was told. Then she demanded that he remove her shoes, stockings and all of her under garments.

She said, "Now if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you'll be fired."

brokenfingers
03-08-2010, 09:07 AM
http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c142/samiamin/21ot302.gif

writerterri
03-08-2010, 11:05 AM
There's two flies flying in the kitchen. How can you tell which one's the cowboy?


He's the one on the range.



:D

poetinahat
03-08-2010, 11:13 AM
From my four-year-old:

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Banana bump - ba-deee-ba-deedee.... (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Svd4ag_l6A)

aadams73
03-08-2010, 01:55 PM
http://i112.photobucket.com/albums/n200/aadams73/This-is-what-will-happen-when-Googl.jpg

Angie
03-08-2010, 02:30 PM
Only while you're looking at them. They all sit down and have a smoke when you turn your back or scroll past them. Scroll back fast enough and you can catch them at it.

Angie
03-08-2010, 02:32 PM
That's why I say shit like that. Wanna talk about refrigerators? :evil

Angie
03-08-2010, 02:33 PM
ooh. i just hit 20,000 posts. i guess i forgot to delete 3,000 this month. oops. i vowed never to hit 20,000 posts.

Congratulations. Is your head going to explode now?

Angie
03-08-2010, 02:35 PM
But...the damned light doesn't work when you close the door. It's defective, I tell you!

poetinahat
03-08-2010, 04:20 PM
ooh. i just hit 20,000 posts. i guess i forgot to delete 3,000 this month. oops. i vowed never to hit 20,000 posts.

Happy KTC2XK!

Gretad08
03-08-2010, 04:24 PM
Horse walks into a bar.
Bartender says "Hey bud, why the long face?"

quickWit
03-08-2010, 06:13 PM
Q: Why did the duck cross the road?

A: He was stapled to the f*cking chicken.

poetinahat
03-09-2010, 08:26 AM
A priest, a rabbi, a lawyer, and a jockey walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

Ken
03-09-2010, 08:41 AM
... man walks into a bar. What'll you have says the bartender? A liver transplant, says the man. All the alcohol I've drunk over the years has rotted it away. You and me both, chime in the other patrons at the bar. Hey now, none of that says the bartender. Or if you must drop dead in my bar, at least pay your tabs first.

Yeshanu
03-09-2010, 10:31 AM
Smile. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7rfGEtALHYs)

quickWit
03-09-2010, 05:36 PM
Still (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww) the greatest youtube clip ever.

Ev. Er.

kayleamay
03-09-2010, 08:18 PM
The bunny wins...for the children.

lucidzfl
03-09-2010, 08:32 PM
And the iraq.

kayleamay
03-10-2010, 04:29 AM
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

poetinahat
03-10-2010, 04:32 AM
I *will* be re-telling that one, kayleamay.

writerterri
03-10-2010, 04:58 AM
That one was funny!

Yeshanu
03-10-2010, 06:52 AM
An orchestra conductor was getting frustrated with the percussionist, who just couldn't seem to come in at the right time, or keep the beat, or do any of the things percussionists are supposed to do.

Finally, tested beyond endurance, he said to the orchestra, "You know what they do when a musician screws up all the time? They take away his instrument, give him two sticks, and turn him into a drummer."

Immediately after the conductor spoke, a stage whisper could be heard from the percussion section, "Yeah, and if he still screws up, they take away one of the sticks and make him a conductor!"

Susie
03-11-2010, 01:55 AM
Joe: "My teacher says I'm smart."
Moe: "Really?"
Joe: "Yes. She's been my 4th-grade teacher for 3 years!"

kayleamay
03-11-2010, 05:53 AM
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. "But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."

Silver King
03-11-2010, 06:22 AM
I was having lunch with a friend once when a woman nearby started choking. He jumped up, lifted her skirt and licked her backside. The woman spit out the obstruction and collapsed to the floor.

When my friend returned, I said, "What the hell was that?"

He seemed surprised and said, "Haven't you ever heard of the Hind Lick Maneuver before?"

poetinahat
03-11-2010, 04:56 PM
Still (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww) the greatest youtube clip ever.

Ev. Er.

I nominate this. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmtzQCSh6xk)

MoonWriter
03-12-2010, 01:08 AM
A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was excellent and there was a good wine selection.

10 years later, at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel-chair accessible, and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

brokenfingers
03-12-2010, 06:43 PM
http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c142/samiamin/29glv1z.jpg

Yeshanu
03-12-2010, 07:20 PM
For musicians, especially cellists. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdxkVQy7QLM)

JoeEkaitis
03-12-2010, 09:48 PM
Shortest joke in the English language:

An Irishman walks OUT of a bar.

kayleamay
03-15-2010, 08:27 PM
These are old, but still relevant. Sorry if some of the references are hard to follow. Nurses are...kinda warped.

You know you're a nurse if...


You believe not all patients are annoying ... some are unconscious.
You can only tell time with a 24 hour clock.
Almost everything can seem humorous ... eventually.
When asked, "What color is the patient's diarrhea?", you show them your shoes.
You've been telling stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw up.
Every time someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least three of them on you.
You can intubate your friends at parties.
You don't get excited about blood loss ... unless it's your own.
You've basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe.
You've told a confused patient your name was that of your coworker and to HOLLER if they need help.
Eating microwave popcorn out a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.
Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank.
When checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren't sure of the answer.
You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
You've sworn you're going to have "NO CODE" tattooed on your chest.


Another golden olden nurse joke:

A nurse walks into a bank after working a hectic 12 hour shift. She goes up to the teller and tries to write a check, only to realize that she is holding a rectal thermometer. She grimaces and says, "Oh great, some asshole has my pen."

Gretad08
03-15-2010, 08:37 PM
A few guys regulars are sitting around a bar. An unknown is being really obnoxious so one of the regulars says:

"Hey bud, I'll bet you $20 bucks I can jump off the roof and fly right back into the 4th story window."

They go to the top of the building and sure enough he jumps from the roof and is swept back in to the 4th story window to safety.

The bar patron makes him do it again and again b/c he just can't believe it. Finally he slurs "If you can do that I can too."

He goes to the roof jumps off and lands with a splat.

The regulars shake their heads. "Superman, you're such an a##hole."

aadams73
03-15-2010, 08:51 PM
http://i112.photobucket.com/albums/n200/aadams73/celebrity-pictures-chris-crocker-fr.jpg

kayleamay
03-15-2010, 08:56 PM
Sorry, adams. I didn't know that was you.

aadams73
03-15-2010, 09:05 PM
Sorry, adams. I didn't know that was you.

*Struggles to stop the uncontrollable sobbing*

MargoWest
03-15-2010, 10:21 PM
Two nuns are driving home in the dark one time when a vampire jumps out onto the hood of their car.

The first nun says, "Quick, show him your cross!"

The second nun leans out the window and yells, "Get off the flippin bonnet!"

brokenfingers
03-16-2010, 06:39 PM
http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c142/samiamin/22731_261144467450_190963352450_316.jpg

brokenfingers
03-17-2010, 12:55 AM
http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c142/samiamin/61b426345a4e3f7df614252c1a9b7a01.jpg

aadams73
03-17-2010, 02:25 AM
http://i112.photobucket.com/albums/n200/aadams73/celebrity-pictures-samuel-l-jackson.jpg

aadams73
03-17-2010, 06:04 PM
http://i112.photobucket.com/albums/n200/aadams73/epic-fail-breakdance-fail.jpg

Owie. :D

brokenfingers
03-17-2010, 07:06 PM
Happy St. Paddy's Day!

http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c142/samiamin/guinness_Draught4.jpg

JoeEkaitis
03-18-2010, 05:06 AM
http://us-p.vclart.net/vcl/Artists/Joe-Ekaitis/Meanwhile/The_Answer.jpg

Yeshanu
03-18-2010, 09:36 AM
A struggling company hired a new CEO, whose job was to turn things around and make the company profitable again. The CEO came to the shop floor ready to make the fur fly, and the first thing he saw was a guy leaning against the wall, watching everyone else work.

Wanting to make an example of the guy, the CEO called for the lines to stop running for a moment, then called the wall propper over to him. "You there! How much do you make a week?"

"Four hundred bucks," the guy replied.

"Wait right here," said the CEO. He went into his office, got $1,600, and came back out.

"Here's $1,600!" he thundered. "Take it, get out, and never come back here!"

"Okay," said the guy.

"By the way, what did that guy do around here?" the CEO asked the workers after the guy had left.

"Oh, he was the Domino's delivery guy," one of the workers replied.

BardSkye
03-18-2010, 10:56 AM
Couple of barbershop (the singing kind) jokes for you:

Q. How many basses does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They can't get up that high.

Q. How can you tell when a lead section's at your door?
A. Nobody knows when to come in and they can't find the key.

Q. What's the difference between a lead and a Rottweiler?
A. Jewelry.

Q. How can you tell when a tenor's being unusually stupid?
A. The other tenors notice.

Q. What do you call a lead who can sight-read?
A. A baritone.

kayleamay
03-18-2010, 03:14 PM
Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?"
A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."
After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"

Yeshanu
03-18-2010, 05:19 PM
:ROFL: *can't breathe* (http://open.salon.com/blog/velina/2009/02/06/so_funny_i_did_not_change_a_word) :ROFL:

(Oh, the things you find when you stumble (http://www.stumbleupon.com/) around the net...)

poetinahat
03-18-2010, 05:33 PM
Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?"
A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."
After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"

I recall reading somewhere that research determined this to be the funniest joke of all time.

I think it may have been published by the Kayleamay Institute.

aadams73
03-19-2010, 01:41 AM
http://i112.photobucket.com/albums/n200/aadams73/zombies-TonyRo.jpg

JoeEkaitis
03-19-2010, 02:53 AM
"I discovered my wife in bed with another man. I was crushed.

I said 'Get off me, you two!'"







-- Emo Philips

poetinahat
03-19-2010, 03:49 AM
Q: What were James Brown's last words?

A: "I don't feel good."

aadams73
03-30-2010, 02:55 AM
http://i112.photobucket.com/albums/n200/aadams73/impressive_chair_stunt24.gif

roonil_wazlib
03-30-2010, 09:47 AM
http://i321.photobucket.com/albums/nn379/sweets_shoppe/2q0n3hu.jpg

ReallyRong
03-30-2010, 06:42 PM
Here's my favourite youtube clip - the singing sharks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fo_Q82lzGBg&feature=related

Ms Behaving
03-30-2010, 08:40 PM
<TABLE style="WHITE-SPACE: normal" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD height=10></TD></TR><TR><TD><TABLE style="WHITE-SPACE: normal" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD height=10></TD></TR><TR><TD>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjHJAvG9zB0

</TD></TR><TR><TD height=10></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

:e2point:


</TD></TR><TR><TD height=10></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Chris P
03-30-2010, 08:48 PM
What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants coming over the hill?
"Here come the elephants."

What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants in dark sunglasses coming over the hill?
"Here come the elephants."

What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants in dark sunglasses and pink bowler hats coming over the hill?
Nothing. He didn't recognize them.

aadams73
03-30-2010, 11:41 PM
http://i112.photobucket.com/albums/n200/aadams73/omgcatdrunkwater24.gif

brokenfingers
03-31-2010, 05:29 AM
<object width="480" height="400" classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" id="ordie_player_7ffbe6aaba"><param name="movie" value="http://player.ordienetworks.com/flash/fodplayer.swf" /><param name="flashvars" value="key=7ffbe6aaba" /><param name="allowfullscreen" value="true" /><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed width="480" height="400" flashvars="key=7ffbe6aaba" allowfullscreen="true" allowscriptaccess="always" quality="high" src="http://player.ordienetworks.com/flash/fodplayer.swf" name="ordie_player_7ffbe6aaba" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed></object><div style="text-align:left;font-size:x-small;margin-top:0;width:480px;"><a href="http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/7ffbe6aaba/claw-game-win" title="from failblog">Claw Game WIN</a> - watch more <a href="http://www.funnyordie.com/" title="on Funny or Die">funny videos</a></div>

roonil_wazlib
03-31-2010, 10:40 AM
http://img23.imageshack.us/img23/8342/2iu7srr.gif

What? Well, it made me laugh.

brokenfingers
04-01-2010, 01:15 PM
http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c142/samiamin/Beach_surprise.gif

aadams73
04-02-2010, 02:04 AM
http://i112.photobucket.com/albums/n200/aadams73/129142739334683534.jpg

semilargeintestine
04-02-2010, 02:12 AM
http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i159/drmg01/I-really-like-House.png

aadams73
04-08-2010, 01:31 AM
http://i112.photobucket.com/albums/n200/aadams73/129146858907853395.jpg

writerterri
04-08-2010, 04:55 AM
i was sitting here with my earphones on and clicking the videos and I couldn't hear anything. So I adjusted sound levels, tried to see if the mute button was on. Clicking this and that, going to other videos to see what was wrong. Finally after everything I tried, I just gave up. Then I saw the ear phones weren't plugged in.


Duh.

BardSkye
04-08-2010, 06:58 AM
A cop approaches a ditzy blonde standing on a street corner. The blonde looks lost. The cop asks where she needs to go and she says she's headed for the museum.

"Not a problem," says the cop. "You just stay right here and wait for the 57 bus. It'll take you right to the door."

The blonde thanks him and the cop goes about his business.

Three hours later, he comes by the same corner again and finds the blonde still sitting at the bus stop.

"Why are you still here?" he wants to know. "I told you to catch the 57 bus."

"Oh, it won't be long now, officer," the blonde says. "The forty-fifth bus has just gone by."

brokenfingers
04-08-2010, 01:57 PM
http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c142/samiamin/burger20king20kills20rojc5.gif

brokenfingers
04-16-2010, 04:27 AM
How Novels Are Really Made (http://catandgirl.com/?p=2427)

roonil_wazlib
04-17-2010, 09:18 PM
http://i39.tinypic.com/35b9fg1.jpg

aadams73
04-17-2010, 11:56 PM
http://i112.photobucket.com/albums/n200/aadams73/129158144980139872.jpg

kayleamay
05-06-2010, 08:24 PM
This one was contributed by my almost-eleven-year-old son this morning.

What word starts with F and ends with UCK?

















FIRETRUCK

Paper & Pencil
05-06-2010, 10:25 PM
A friend sent me an email of ones like this:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'

crazynance
05-07-2010, 07:46 AM
What did the Teddy say when he was offered another mince pie?
No thanks, I'm already stuffed !
_ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

What happens if Teddy cuts himself ?
He runs and runs until he gets a stitch.
_ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Why do Teddies have fur coats ?
They’d feel silly in plastic macs.
_ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

How do you start a Teddy Bear race?
Ready, Teddy, Go!
_ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

A teddy bear who worked on a building site arrived for work one morning to discover that his pick was missing. He went to see the foreman, who told him, “It’s because today’s the day the Teddy Bears have their picks nicked!”

crazynance
05-07-2010, 05:51 PM
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was --
--Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, --
--but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, --
--but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class --
--because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder --
--and got a little behind in his work..

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, --
--it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road --
--and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France --
--would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. --
--They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. --
--Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. --
--The police are looking into it..

12. Atheism --
--is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. --
--One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.--
-- Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said, --
--'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.--
-- His grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road --
--is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison --
--was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray --
--is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet --
--writes inverse.

21. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. --
--In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, --
--they got a taste of religion.