View Full Version : Obituary: Five Icons of Etiquette Slain on California Roads

03-01-2010, 06:56 PM
Multiple vehicles struck a sedan carrying Common Courtesy and The Golden Rule, causing the vehicle to fly over a freeway embankment and burst into flames, killing all on board. The couples' children were killed by California drivers on city streets.

Famous just for being famous starlet Bambi Lohan Hilton Spears was talking on her iPhone and sending text messages on her BlackBerry when her champagne-pearl Cadillac Escalade luxury SUV drifted across the lanes of the Hollywood Freeway. The driver of the sedan carrying Common Courtesy and The Golden Rule was forced to swerve in order to avoid colliding with Lohan Hilton Spears’s champagne-pearl Escalade. Questioned about the incident, Lohan Hilton Spears commented, “I don’t know why THAT should have made a difference. I mean, you know, I don’t even know what a turn signal IS. And, hey, it’s an Escalade. Doesn’t that mean everyone else has to watch out for ME and my safety, not the other way around?”

The sedan carrying Common Courtesy and The Golden Rule was then struck from behind by a pickup truck and flew off the freeway. Middle manager Dick Littlewurst who was driving the jacked-up Ford F-350 4X4 pickup with the off-road sport package said, “Hey, when a hawt babe wearing a bikini shoots past in a top-down Porsche Carrera, it’s my duty as a red-blooded American male to keep up with her.” After being informed of the victims’ identities, Littlewurst remarked, “Well, people like them don’t really belong on the freeway. In fact, I think California is going to be a much better place without ‘em.” Littlewurst later admitted to law enforcement authorities that he’s never actually driven his jacked-up Ford F-350 4X4 pickup with the off-road sport package as an off-road vehicle. “Heck, I won’t even let my wife put a bag of groceries in the bed. I mean, can you imagine what a broken jar of mayo would do to that paint job?”

Two of the couple’s children, Please and Thank You, were struck and killed in a clearly marked school zone crosswalk by a BMW and a Mercedes Benz. The drivers of the luxury sport coupes were travelling at speeds in excess of 85 miles an hour and later defended their behavior as justified because “the other driver started it.” The couple’s third child, You’re Welcome, was killed when soccer mom Heather H. Heatherfields failed to bring her Chrysler Town & Country minivan to a full four-wheel stop before making a right turn on a red light. Typical of California drivers, Heatherfields was looking left as she approached the intersection at 30 miles an hour and neglected to check for pedestrians entering the clearly marked crosswalk from the right. Her only remark: “Oh, crap, now I’m gonna be late and I won’t be able to get the kids’ Frequent FunTime card punched at Gymboree®.”

Plans for a memorial service were quickly scrapped as all of Hollywood, civil libertarians and most politicians suggested that the day should become a national holiday celebrating a new era in individual freedom.

The home once occupied by Common Courtesy and the Golden Rule was sold to another family who were welcomed to California by several state politicians. They are Rude and Inconsiderate, and their children Screw You, Hell No and Get the F*** Outta My Way.